November 18, 2012

• Celebrity Round Up 11/16/12

  Greetings, cult members, your benevolent leader has returned with the latest and probably not the greatest in celebrity gossip.  I was going to be here for you last night however a late night Christmas shopping trip quashed those plans.  I did happen to watch the most amazing thing ever.  I watched an Amish father and his son put on 3D glasses and watch the new Spiderman movie inside Walmart last night.  I think I need to go tell the bishop they were up to no good.  You know, have a cult leader to cult leader talk.  I also had a pretty amazing phone call last night.  Now it’s time to laugh at my jokes.  Leave me eprops.

  NSFW and NSFL

  
  This week Shia LaBeouf was in London, possibly drinking away the pain of being fired from the Transformers movies.  He was drinking at a pub when another patron went up to Shia and removed Shia’s hat and began to play keep away.  Shia wasn’t having any of it so he started throwing punches. I think the reason Shia was so protective of his hat is because they are so rare and you can’t get them anywhere.  He’s like 152lbs.  A basket of kittens is more intimidating than him.  I wrote about this a couple of weeks ago but to refresh, Shia was replaced with Mark Wahlberg for the next Transformers movie.  I have a feeling that Shia got confused and thought he was Tom Cruise because people are saying Shia demanded to be paid at least $18million to appear in Transformers 4.  Steven Spielberg, who is producing this mess, saw how well Spiderman did without Tobey MacGuire so he figured he could get another actor to take up the role and he doesn’t have to cut back on the CGI budget because we all know CGI is the star of those movies.  Shia is a dumbass.  Why would he bad mouth this toy movie when Megan Fox bad-mouthed the toy movie and was replaced by another actress?  He did the same thing.  Megan got herself fired for not appreciating the job that put her on the map, and now so did Shia.  What’s funny is that he’s replaced by Marky Mark.  Sure Shia can act his way out of a paper bag but he can’t have the disconnection from an audience like Marky Mark.  Don’t believe me about the disconnection?  Try watching The Happening.  No matter what actors they trot out the true stars are the cars that transform into robots that transform into toys that only children with attention deficit disorder can appreciate.
  
  Remember when Andrea Zuckerman totally doubted Brenda Walsh’s commitment to the teen crisis hotline and then Brenda proved her wrong by helping a girl who had been raped and got the rapist arrested?  Well Andrea is going to have to eat it again because real life imitated Beverly Hills 90210.  Last weekend a despondent fan started tweeting Shannen Doherty that she was going to end her life if Shannen didn’t call.  Shannen used her skills learned at the teen crisis center and found that this person lived in New Jersey and contacted the local police.  The police paid a visit to the 27 year old woman and her family and found out that the woman wasn’t suicidal and wasn’t a threat to herself or others.  I guess Brenda Walsh is still saving lives.  I bet Shannen used her detective skills gained from classes on the Education Connection.  Maybe she can make the Dean’s List for her heroics and not just her brain.
  
  Warren G turned 42 this week.  This guy seemed to be everywhere when I was a younger and now he seems to have disappeared.  I still have that song Regulate memorized.  It was a clear black night…yeah.  How can you forget a song that is about fighting and fucking?
  
  Tyra Banks posted this photo of herself without make-up.  Holy crap!  It’s proof that aliens are among us.  Maybe she is the spawn of Kit and Alma Walker…I had to throw that out there for my fellow American Horror Story: Asylum fans.
  
  Well I guess it’s official.  Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have broken up.  People say it’s because Selena had trust issues and they were always apart.  Now don’t get excited so fast Beliebers, rumor has it that Justin has already moved on to a new girl, Barbara Palvin.  Another source claims that one of the reasons why Selena broke up with Justin is because she hates Miley Cyrus.  Selena didn’t want Justin to do an episode of Punk’d with Miley but he did it anyway.  However other people are saying that Justin is trying to get back together with Selena.  I still think this kid is going to use his wealth to make David Copperfield’s island of ill repute look like a romantic evening.  Quick ladies over the age of 18, get under my blankets, I’ll protect you.  God I feel so childish writing about two children who’ve broken up.  Excuse me while I go do something more adult-like and brush my cat’s fur or playing with my G.I. Joes.
  
  Now that Selena’s single and ready to mingle, she’s putting her goods out on display.  Normally, I’d say, “Get over here,” but now I don’t think so.  I’m very happy.  To move on from Bieber, Selena has reportedly blocked him from texting, calling, iChatting, or whatever the hell it’s called that kids use for communicating.  The only good that can come from this is maybe Justin will release a diss track and talk about how he’s a man and won’t let any girl sit on his face anymore.  I really don’t care if they get back together or not, but something has to happen soon because this whole story is pretty boring. One of them needs to get pregnant if they want us to keep talking about it.  And even though Selena is telling everyone she blocked him, she was spotted with Bieber later in the week.  Maybe he asked her to play his Quinceañera. 
  
  If it wasn’t for the People logo you might think this was a pic from Playgirl.  This is actually from People magazine’s sexiest people alive issue.  His dog is looking at him and appears to be saying, “My good man, what is the meaning of this nonsense?”  Ryan told the magazine that his medals don’t attract as many girls as his dog: “He is a good wingman because he’s a beautiful dog. Girls come up to me and go, ‘Oh my god, where’s Carter? He’s so good looking!’ He’s my best friend and I love him. I just need to take him wherever I go and I’ll be set.”  I guess his dog Carter is used to this nonsense after all.  He probably sleeps and lounges like this all the time because you never know when a Playgirl photographer will jump out and snap photos…that’s why I sleep the same way.
  
  I think every cellphone manual has a warning on the front page that says, “If Robert DeNiro calls you then you return his call or you’ll wind up floating face first in a body of water.”  Apparently Jay-Z isn’t returning Mr. DeNiro’s phone calls.  Jay-Z agreed to do a song for DeNiro’s movie festival, Tribeca, so he tried calling Jay-Z several times to discuss it but Jay-Z never answered or returned his calls.  Well the other night at Leonardo DiCaprio’s birthday party Robert DeNiro let Jay-Z know how he felt.  A source says DeNiro approached Jay-Z and said that if someone calls you 6 times, you call them back and it doesn’t matter who you are and that Jay-Z’s behavior is rude.  DeNiro then went on to say that he thinks Jay-Z is the man but he’s being disrespectful.  Jay-Z thinks he’s the star of New York.  There’s only one star that’s bigger and that’s Robert DeNiro.  Maybe this will fire up DeNiro and he’ll make some good movies instead of that Focker shit.  It’s a good thing Leonardo DiCaprio was gorging himself on the Victoria’s Secret buffet otherwise this may have ruined his birthday party. 
  
  I really hate when celebrities turn their backs on their biggest fans and that is just what Miley Cyrus did this week.  Miley Cyrus is terrified of the guy who was arrested on her property wielding a pair of scissors back in September.  Even though he is locked up behind bars she just got a restraining order against him.  She had a temporary restraining order against him that said he had to stay 1000 yards away from her but now she’s trying to make it permanent.  That’s nearly a mile.  Miley is a wet blanket.  Sorry for being vulgar but what else can a person say about this hillbilly.  Maybe her stalker was a psychic and was warning her about cutting her hair.  Maybe he just wanted to have her carve her signature into his stomach.  That sounds totally legit.  If you get rid of all the lonely, scissor wielding maniacs from her fan base then she’s Destiny Cyrus and is the night time cashier at the local Piggly Wiggly. 
  
  Alright alright alright, it looks like Matthew McConaughey is really trying to win an Oscar this year.  A couple of months ago he admitted to breaking up with his one true love, marijuana, so that he could lose weight for a movie role.  This is the result of his work.  He’s starring in a movie called The Dallas Buyer’s Club.  He plays a real-life man named Ron Woodruff who was a womanizing homophobic junkie that got HIV from sharing dirty needles  and then became an AIDS activist.  Matthew said that his goal is to not look healthy and he definitely achieved that.  Maybe he can keep the weight off and play the lead in Head in the Clouds, a movie about a giraffe that smokes weed.  He looks like a giraffe.  I want to drive up next to him and feed him leaves.  I bet he’ll gain all the weight back at the next Texas state fair.  All he’ll have to do is breathe in all the deep fried nastiness.
  
  Mary Kate Olsen, 26 years old, was spotted with her boyfriend Olivier Sarkozy, 42 years old, at a basketball game this week.  She doesn’t look too cozy.  Where’s Chris Hansen when you need him?  Can you believe that the Olsen twins are 26?  I feel so old now.
  
  Kristen Stewart wore this dress to one of the Twilight premiers.  Huh…I thought she didn’t like all the attention she gets.  I’m giving her quite a bit of attention right now in the form of a standing salute. I may have to like her one of these days.
  
  I’m just going to leave this here.
  
  Remember when Mitt Romney wanted to destroy Sesame Street?  Well this story may help even though he didn’t get elected.  The voice of Elmo, Kevin Clash, has taken a leave of absence after a now 23 year old man accused him of having sex with him seven years ago.  The accuser claims that when Clash was 45 and when he was 16 they had a regular sexual relationship.  The accuser first met with the heads of Sesame Street and when he felt they were trying to shut him up he hired the lawyers that represented one of Jerry Sandusky’s accusers.  The accuser has an email in which Clash admits to screwing him but people believe it’s a work of fraud.  Kevin Clash has said that the accuser is trying to smear his name for whatever reason.  God, now whenever I hear someone play with a Tickle Me Elmo doll and it does that creepy laugh I’m going to think of Kevin Clash getting nasty.  Well he’s off the hook because the accuser recanted and released a statement: “He wants it to be known that his sexual relationship with Mr. Clash was an adult consensual relationship. He will have no further comment on the matter.”  Kevin never denied having sex but he did say all along that the accuser was legal at the time they played night crawlers.  No before you start thinking the Sesame Street mafia consisting of Snuffleupagus, Telly, Rosita, and Count, showed up at the accuser’s doorstep, people are claiming he was paid off. TMZ says multiple sources are making that claim and I bet those sources are the asshole puppets of Fraggle Rock.  They say that Kevin Clash offered a settlement worth 6 figures.  The Smoking Gun is claiming that the accuser’s lawyers dumped him and they issued a statement saying they don’t represent him so maybe he was just looking to get paid.  Either way, isn’t it amazing how sniffing a briefcase full of cash delivered by Big Bird will erase all your memories? 
  
  At this year’s Victoria’s Secret show, Karlie Kloss wore this outfit of a feather headdress, suede vest, shirt, and turquoise jewelery.  This is what white girls call “sexy Indian” during Halloween because no matter how culturally insensitive it is, people are just having a good time.  Of course it caused a controversy and Native American groups were upset but there were more white people angered because some white people have to be offended on behalf of others.  Victoria’s Secret announced that they will remove the model from the television broadcast.  Karlie also apologized.  I don’t like people thinking they can just wear this stuff.  It’s really stupid that people think dressing as another race is all in good fun.  Try walking around in black face.  Try wearing a sexy Nazi costume.  But then I ask, did she slaughter Native Americans?  Did she steal their land?  Did she give them blankets infested with small pox?  Did she revoke their food and told them to eat grass in the month of December?  Do Native Americans still wear this stuff?  Yes, go to a powwow sometime.  What would be another depiction she could’ve worn?  Maybe she should’ve dressed in a bolo tie and green poker dealer’s visor.
  
  It’s good to be Jon Bon Jovi’s daughter.  A few days ago, Stephanie Bon Jovi was discovered in her dorm room by police after a friend called 911 claiming she had overdosed on heroin.  Since having heroin is illegal, she was charged with criminal possession of a controlled substance, criminal possession of marijuana and criminal use of drug paraphernalia. Then those charges were immediately dropped. Why? Let the District Attorney explain: “By law, we cannot prosecute either of these two individuals.  Back in September 2011, New York State Penal Law added an exemption clause to drug possession charges for anyone experiencing a “drug or alcohol overdose or other life-threatening medical emergency” — the law also exempts anyone making the call about such an emergency.”  The DA went on to say, “If you want to possess and use heroin and get away with it, make sure you have a celebrity parent.”
  
  Janeane Garofalo was married for 20 years and didn’t even know it.  And everyone born after 1990 is saying, “Who is Janeane Garofalo?”  She just recently found out about her secret husband last week for a reunion of The Ben Stiller Show, yeah he had a TV show…you should find it because it’s funny.  Janeane told the audience that she just found out she was married to Rob Cohen, a writer who has written for many TV shows and also produces The Big Bang Theory.  She said they got drunk in Las Vegas and got married at a drive-thru wedding chapel and figured they needed to sign papers at a courthouse to be legally married.  Rob is getting married for real and his lawyer found out that Rob was already married so he had to file for divorce.  After they broke-up but didn’t get divorced Rob went on to do his work on The Big Bang Theory.  I wonder if this means Janeane will cash in on alimony.  I guess this teaches us the secret to a healthy marriage, get married, move to separate cities, live in different houses, see other people, never talk to each other, forget each other, and then 20 years later get back together.
  
  This is a still shot from the new movie OZ: The Great and Powerful.  It’s the prequel to The Wizard of OZ that stars James Franco.  The budget for this movie is well over $200million and many people are worried that it will be a flop at the box office.  Do we really need yet another re-imagining of a classic movie?  There’s no Tin Man, Scarecrow, or Cowardly Lion.  There was the mini-series a few years ago that modernized The Wizard of OZ but it was some SyFy schlock.  This new movie revolves around the likes of James Franco, who plays the titular Oz, a struggling musician who ends up being transported from Kansas to the land of Oz and gets mistaken for the king of Emerald City. On the way, he must defend against two evil witches (Mila Kunis and Rachel Weisz), and then he finds an ally in a good witch (Michelle Williams).  It will also revolve more around the books.  James Franco was also nominated for a blogging award for his work on entertainment blogs at Huffington Post.  I was linked to Huffington Post so where’s my award.  Anyway, here’s a trailer for the movie.
  
  Because of restaurants like Applebee’s, Dave and Buster’s, Chevys, Red Lobster, and Olive Garden, Times Square has become the culinary capital of New York City and now thanks to Guy Fieri it may just be the culinary capital of the world.  Guy Ferry opened a new restaurant there this week.  Why would he want to change his name from Guy Ferry?  The restaurant has 500 seats and is called Guy’s American Kitchen and Bar.  The New York Times gave it such a bad review.  But first we have to look at some of Guy’s offerings.  First we have Guy’s Pat LaFrieda custom blend, all-natural Creekstone Farm Black Angus beef patty, LTOP (lettuce, tomato, onion + pickle), SMC (super-melty-cheese) and a slathering of Donkey Sauce on garlic-buttered brioche.  Then we’ll have Awesome Pretzel Chicken Tenders and Ain’t No Thing Butta Chicken Wing and Guy-talian Nachos.  Peter Wells’ article is pure gold.  He basically hates the food because he considers it gross and will give you nothing but diarrhea.  Here’s some noteworthy quotes: “Hey, did you try that blue drink, the one that glows like nuclear waste? The watermelon margarita? Any idea why it tastes like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?”  “When you hung that sign by the entrance that says, WELCOME TO FLAVOR TOWN!, were you just messing with our heads?”  “What accounts for the vast difference between the Donkey Sauce recipe you’ve published and the Donkey Sauce in your restaurant? Why has the hearty, rustic appeal of roasted-garlic mayonnaise been replaced by something that tastes like Miracle Whip with minced raw garlic? And when we hear the words Donkey Sauce, which part of the donkey are we supposed to think about?”  “Is the entire restaurant a very expensive piece of conceptual art? Is the shapeless, structureless baked alaska that droops and slumps and collapses while you eat it, or don’t eat it, supposed to be a representation in sugar and eggs of the experience of going insane?”  “Why did the toasted marshmallow taste like fish?”  “ATMOSPHERE 500 seats, three levels, three bars, one chaotic mess.  SERVICE The well-meaning staff seems to realize that this is not a real restaurant.  SOUND LEVEL Rawk and roll, but at moderate volumes.”  Guy’s restaurant sounds like the type of place where you’d find a bleach blonde hair in your food and you’d wonder if it came from his head, neck, or crotch.  Donkey Sauce?  Something that goes on food shouldn’t remind me of a stunt on Fear Factor where contestants had to drink donkey semen.  His restaurant should be shut down and he should be prosecuted for making marshmallows taste like fish.  In the time it took you to read this, Guy Fieri styled one of his blonde spikes.
  
  Demi Moore turned 50 this week and in her mind she turned 25 so if she’s delusional I can’t blame her for trying to lure Leonardo DiCaprio, who turned 38 this week.  He shot her down like a North Vietnamese MiG over the Gulf of Tonkin.  USA!  According to the National Enquirer, Demi has romanticized a fling she had with Leo back in 1997.  She has been hanging out in New York where Leo is filming a movie but he keeps blowing her off.  Oh Demi, don’t do this. There’s no need to degrade yourself. You were a decent actress for many years. I’m sure there are plenty of sassy grandma rolls in Tyler Perry movies you can take to keep you in the public eye.  You will not reunite with Leo because he’s too busy plowing his way through the Victoria’s Secret catalog. 
  
  And because I posted something about Demi Moore I have to take a shot at her exhusband or whatever the hell he was, Ashton Kutcher.  Do you think he got paid to look that bad in that sweater? 
  
  Last week I wrote about Ariel Winters being removed from her mother’s custody because of verbal and physical abuse.  Crystal Workman denies the allegations and continues to say that she had CPS called on her because she tried to end her 14 year old daughter’s relationship with an 18 year old boy after she caught them in bed together.  He continued sleeping with Ariel so Crystal filed statutory rape charges against him.  I don’t know what to think of this mess so god bless former child bride Courtney Stodden for weighing in on the situation.  Courtney isn’t a licensed therapist but she offered this advice: “I think it’s awesome! As long as they’re in love, it’s okay. They should get married!”  I know whenever I need relationship advice I go to a drugged up 18 year old who is married to a 51 year old closet case and calls him daddy.
  
  Springfield, Missouri will never be the same.  Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie unleashed their army of children upon the city and they terrorized a pizza place called Arris’ Pizza.  And that is why I don’t go to Chuck E. Cheese.  I suffer panic attacks whenever I’m within a mile of one of those places.  Brad and Angelina supposedly rented out the entire restaurant so their children could run free and run free they did.  Sources say that they ran around the restaurant, jumped on chairs and tables, and threw pizza at each other.  The whole time Brad and Angelina sat there staring at each other.  I guess when they are supposedly so beautiful it’s difficult to keep their eyes off each other.  I sort of would’ve enjoyed watching the chaos because instead of Lord of the Flies it would’ve been Lord of the Pizza Pies…thank you thank you, I plan on being here all week.
  
  This week can’t get any worse.  First we have the death of Hostess and now we have the alleged death of Britney Spears’ engagement.  People close to the couple are saying that her fiance Jason Trawick is regretting asking her to marry him.  Maybe he’s regretting it because Britney can no longer have her 4 tier Hostess snack cake wedding cake.  They had planned on getting married at the end of December but now the marriage is on hiatus.  Jason has grown weary of constantly having to check-in with Britney.  He also has grown tired of her constant nagging.  He has even put his phone on speaker phone so all his friends can hear Britney nagging him.  What makes this even sadder is that Jason is one of Britney’s co-conservators.  Imagine how awkward that will be when going to meet with Britney and her father to discuss Britney’s life and career path.  Piggly Wiggly was really saddened by this news but then they were reminded they’re still catering Miley Cyrus’ wedding.
  
  I was going to use a different photo for this story but I think my female readers wouldn’t have appreciated it.  This week was the halfway point of the current season of American Horror Story and FOX is so pleased with it that they’ve ordered another season of 13 episodes.  Supposedly Jessica Lange is attached to yet another season.  There’s no word on what the story will be about in the third season but no doubt it will be interesting.  I didn’t think the first season was scary.  It was more of a mindfuck.  This current season gives me chills and sometimes makes my hair stand on end.  The bad news is that after this season is finished we have to wait until the fall for the third season.  Oh well, January 23rd is a long time away.  So what would you like to see for the third season?  I have been thinking it should be a shot for shot remake of Keeping Up with the Kardashians but mix in some creepy music and Jessica Lange as Bruce Jenner and it will be a hit.  Another thing I’ve been thinking of is a summer camp where kids go but don’t come home and if they do they aren’t the same.

  I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

  • 8:24 PM
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