November 22, 2012
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How to Ruin Thanksgiving
So I thought I would share multiple ways you can ruin your Thanksgiving because I did some experimenting this year. Of course, you will have to try these and let me know how things went.
Something may be labeled NSFW
-Call your father a "butt plug" during the pre-meal prayer
-When saying the prayer, throw your arms in the air raising them to heave and begin to sway like one of those wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men and then start screaming in tongues.
-Tell the cook that Chef Gordon Ramsay would kick them out of Hell's Kitchen for their culinary abortion and that Guy Fieri would enjoy the food because he is a dullard.
-Drink 10 beers in 10 minutes and let the fun begin and of course the beer has to be Schell's Lake Maid and with every bottle say "Normally I wouldn't eat (insert type of fish here) but for Miss (insert type of fish here) I'd make the exception. You really need to go to the website to understand my lame attempt at humor. Also you have to remember that I started that company's myspace site and refused to sell. I am a moron.
-Be extra thankful for the wine you made this year by drinking a bottle in the appetizer round of the meal and another with the entree.
-Be a Lions fan so the meal will be more depressing.
-Hit your brother-in-law in the face while playing a pick-up game of basketball...that happened a year or two ago when Barack Obama's brother-in-law elbowed him in the face during a game. Surprisingly, he's still alive and Obama didn't use one of his free kills on him.
-Discuss how your daughter will be starting college and your granddaughter will be graduating from kindergarten this school year and you are only 30 years old.
-Demand that everyone watches the news and when it's not turned to FOX News go into a tirade saying how FOX News is the only fair and balanced news source and when asked about certain issues facing our country and you have no clue say that FOX News hasn't told you how to think about these issues.
-Become a militant NASCAR fan and demand that NASCAR be deemed a legitimate competitive sport
-Go shopping
-Tell everyone that you got a new job with TSA and grope yourself at the table and say that you are just practicing
-In most states marrying your cousins is legal...wink wink nudge nudge say no more
-When you see a family member drinking Starbucks declare your hatred for the chain and say they are responsible for the collapse of the economy but laud their use of this song in their new commercials because Matt Pond PA really rocks.
-Two words: pro-wrestling reenactments
-Tell everyone that you are a "master baster"
-Talk about how awesome Tumblr is especially when your URL is AnalGoatFister69
-Show how much you appreciate the meal by belching and farting at the table.
-Set all the clocks in the house back or ahead an hour.
-Silly string makes meals memorable
-Explore your new found love of nudism.
-Take nude pics at the dinner table to send them to your significant other if you can't be together at Thanksgiving.
-If you don't have a significant other and want to avoid family asking if you're out of the closet yet, hire a hooker to be your date and when asked how you met her tell your family you bought her on the street corner.
-Serve Kool Aid at your family's meal. Spike the drink with methylene blue. When methylene blue is ingested it will change the color of urine to blue.
-Unscrew the filters to every water faucet in the house. Fill the cap with potassium permanganate. When people use the water, there will be a reaction between the water and potassium permanganate and the water will turn purple. Hopefully you come from a family of dullards and they love the novelty of purple water and put it on their hands and face. When the water and potassium permanganate combine and come in contact with human skin it stains the skin brown. Then when you see family members with stained hands ask if they haven't been potty trained and don't know how to wipe their asses. If it's on their face, start singing the country song, "Looking for love in all the wrong places".
-Secret ingredient...silver nitrate. When silver nitrate comes in contact with skin, it stains skin black.
-Let this be your family meal:
"Give us this day, our daily white bread."
-This is your meal:
Don't worry, I'm not a cannibal. I'm just a deviant. I hope that didn't trigger any recovering cannibals out there in Xanga land.Time for coloring for grown-ups!
Best coloring book ever.
Pretty much.
Well that might not be something to be thankful for.
Why, yes, I am very thankful for that.
I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving.
Comments (35)
go shopping would definitely piss off my family. we despise those money greedy businesses.
A happy thanksgiving to you. Hope you have a good one.
Urinate on the Turkey before baking. It gives it a salty flavor.
did you color that yourself?
Tell your fiscally conservative anti-education uncle "Pilgrims" is old English for "Pellgrants". Then stick it to him. Tell him under Obama deficit spending has declined at a faster rate than it has since the demobilization following WWII. (Which is true)
Turn to your homophobic uncle and ask if he really believes a bunch of heterosexual men would have named their ship "The Mayflower".
Finally, turn to your racist McCarthy loving birther uncle, tell him now that Obama doesn't need to run for another term you're happy to admit Rush Limbaugh was right all along and you voted for Obama because he's a black panther communist born in Kenya because what could be worse than Bush. Then point your finger at your uncle and laugh like Nelson from The Simpsons.
Link
lmao!!! loved the pilgrims.
The Pilgrims were funny
Marrying your cousin would ruin all future Thanksgivings, too.
Happy Thanksgiving!
lol at the original hipsters ... ok, gotta go, need to get some silly string!
have a happy thanksgiving!
Where did you learn all that fun stuff with chemicals? I'm almost scared of you now. LOL!
The hipster stuff is awesome.
ahhh a deviant... them and variables are fine things... have a great tday gogb!
Recovering cannibals, that's interesting. I wouldn't want to go to one of their meetings. My thanksgiving will be extraordinarily boring, I predict. There is nothing scandalous in my family. I need to start dating a tattooed biker woman with a Mohawk, that would liven things up a lot. I am not nagged about being single but after that I might be.
Too funny. I've tried not to say a whole lot about FOX news. Some people are still not speaking after the election and their faces are still red. I've really enjoyed the quiteness!
the original hipster hahaha and also I think that becoming a militant nascar fan would ruin ANY day
Although I am very thankful for my penis, I'm still trying to find a woman who is.
@BookographyReviews - mine was ok, I ended up going out early Thanksgiving morning because my mom had forgotten to buy something for the meal so I had to get it for her and while there I picked up an mp3 player.
@Rob_of_the_Sky - hmmm I am sure there are those out there that do that.
@TheSutraDude - Those are great. I can't believe there are anti-education people but then Rick Santorum accused Obama of being an elitist because he wanted every child to go to college.
Oh man, I'd love to hear a reaction to someone saying that about how Limbaugh was right.
@under_the_carpet - glad you enjoyed
@Marica0701 - those come from a site called Coloring for Grown Ups. They have such funny stuff.
@distractedbyzombies - but then it would save on travel and calories because you'd only have to go to one Thanksgiving
Hope you had a good one
@Peridot21 - I hope you had a good Thanksgiving. Mine was ok. Instead of silly string I had the wine I made.
@Unstoppable_Inner_Strength - Oh I had a friend who was a science major in college and he always talked about that stuff. He had so many other pranks that could be done with legally obtained chemicals that wouldn't hurt people. I almost bought some of the methylene blue at a pool supply store. It's used to test pool water for ammonia and that's sort of why it changes the color of urine.
@xplorrn - hope you had a great Thanksgiving.
@leaflesstree - I think I wrote this when there was all these posts about people being recovering self-harmers so that was my little snark because some were complaining that posts were trigger inducing and made them want to cut.
I was being nagged for having a girlfriend because I was texting someone. It turns out at the time I was nagged I was talking to a friend's wife. Yikes.
@maniacsicko - I'm a big boy!
@hesacontradiction - yes, it is so nice. If anyone brings up how they're pissed about the election I tell them then they shouldn't have nominated Romney and used someone like Ron Paul.
@raspberryjade - I remember saying jokingly a few years back when gas prices started rising that NASCAR should be eliminated so that we could save on oil. They took me seriously and started in this long rant about the differences in oil and it wasn't NASCAR's fault. I try not to say much about NASCAR in real life because there are a lot of fans around here.
@curiousdwk - yeah I have that same problem
@godfatherofgreenbay - I actually liked Ron Paul except for the healthcare opinions he had. He was my second choice.
@godfatherofgreenbay - good point. thanks!
Thanks for this post to break up my mundane routine while making dinner! It made me laugh out loud, especially the pictures.
hahahha I love the i'm thankful for my penis
@TiRocKiinPiinK - glad to help break the mundane spell Thanksgiving casts
@lov3_iris - I like that one too. I wonder what that kid was actually trying to write.
@godfatherofgreenbay - I remember when Santorum said "What a snob" about Obama. The thing is Obama said every child should have the opportunity to go to get a higher education. It doesn't mean every child has to choose to go to college. It doesn't even mean college as Obama has often pointed out. Could be a trade school.
Ha ha re telling your uncle Limbaugh being right and that's why you voted for Obama. The uncle's blood pressure would shoot up off the chart.
Comments are closed.