December 1, 2012

• Celebrity Round Up 11/30/12

  Pain, it seems like that is all I know.  I did get my hair cut this evening.  I think I took off about two inches.  I feel so much lighter.  I guess that's it.  Time of the round up.

  NSFW and NSFL
  

  
  Sources close to Snooki say she may call off her wedding at any time.  Great!  Now what am I supposed to do with the EdgeCraft 610 Chef's Choice Premium Electric Food Slicer that I got her for her wedding present?  People are saying that Snooki is desperate to remain famous and rich and worries that if she won't marry her fiance then she won't get her million dollar payday.  People say the reason she has grown so angry with Jionni is because he won't lift a finger with their baby but he's only doing that because Snooki won't do anything.  So I guess their child is being raised by wolves or nannies.  This is disgusting.  Using babies and weddings in a reality show as props is shameless and I can't believe the Kardashians haven't filed a copyright infringement lawsuit by now.
  
  Richard Simmons was on his way to breakfast when he posed for photographers.  I guess that's normal breakfast attire.  I usually wear shorts that are a little longer.  Oh and all the butterflies, now you know what Mariah Carey sees when she orgasms.
  
  Speaking of Mariah Carey, she looks pretty good.  It's also Mariah's favorite time of the year because it's about the only time that her music gets played on the radio.
  
  After all the accusations of child molestation and child pornography, R Kelly admitted to something very heavy this week but not to any of those charges.  He announced that he was illiterate. He claims the only reason he made it through school was because he was good at basketball.  I find that so hard to believe but then I remember Kevin Garnett and one of the main factors why he went to the NBA right after high school was because he scored so low on his SATs.  I have been watching his Trapped in the Closet shows on IFC and it's amazing to know a guy who can't read came up with all of that.  I was going to openly mock R Kelly but I won't, he's had a rough life and even if I did I shouldn't feel bad since he wouldn't be able to read it.
  
  Miley Cyrus turned 20 this week.  I find that hard to believe.  It seems like all she's done in the past years she should be like 50.  A report also surfaced this week that Miley has been working on a pre-nup with her future husband Liam Hemsworth.  She wants to protect her $130million fortune but more importantly she wants to protect all her dogs.  Yes, the main purpose of the pre-nup is for Miley to keep custody of all her dogs if the marriage breaks down.  I guess the hillbilly needs her coon hounds for when she heads back to hills so she can tree herself some coons or another husband.
  
  Apparently 3.5million people watched Lindsay Lohan's movie Liz & Dick and one of those people didn't watch it for a drinking game.  I would've rather watched a Youtube video of my own leg being amputated than watching that mess.  However her dad, Michael Lohan, had this to say on Twitter: "They know nothing about @lindsaylohan talent! She has more talent in her pinky then all of them together.  You proved the critics wrong @LindsayLohan you are one of the best, so gifted, so amazing! Now apply it ALL! God bless you! And our family!"  Immediately after this tweet, Michael Lohan texted Lindsay to see if he could borrow $50. He also said he hated to ask, but the check cashing place in his laundromat isn't open on Sundays.  Lindsay Lohan was arrested Thursday morning for a punching a woman in the face inside Avenue nightclub in New York.  Here's the arrest video.  early reports were circulating that Lindsay was at a Justin Bieber concert to see a boy band called The Wanted because she was trying to sink her hooks into a guy named Max.  Lindsay met up with Max at a bar and she got drunk and he wasn't impressed with Lindsay so he talked to another woman which enraged Lindsay so she beat that ho.  Jesus, this bitch is exhausting. Here's an idea: Stay your ass at home. Every time Lindsay comes within 100 yards of a club, nothing good happens. I don't know the science or tech behind it, but somebody should put an invisible fence around every club in NYC and LA then design a collar that looks like a diamond necklace so Lindsay can steal it.  As of now the story has changed.  The woman who Lindsay punched is named Tiffany Mitchell.  She is supposedly a prominent palm reader and aura analyst who owns a few psychic salons in Florida.  I should've known that Florida and psychics were bound to be in this story.  Tiffany said she spotted Lindsay at the club and had a premonition.  I bet the premonition was that Tiffany was going to get a lot of free advertising and media coverage.  Tiffany asked Lindsay if she could give her a free reading but Lindsay asked to give her her space.  As they walked away Tiffany's friend heard Lindsay call them "fucking gypsies".  Tiffany's friend called Lindsay a whore and said Liz&Dick sucked.  They can't arrest her for stating the truth.  Lindsay went crazy and started punching Tiffany.  Tiffany's husband who wasn't there claims that "Gypsy" is a racist slur.  He went on to say: "We are not Gypsies. That has nothing to do with our religion...it was a racist comment. Just because your career went down the drain and your new movie sucks, you can't go around beating people up."  This is normally the part of the story where I post the statement from Lindsay Lohan's publicist, except Lindsay traded her last week for an 8-ball of coke and a fifth of Jack. I swear, she has the worst timing.  So why is Lindsay acting so rough and tough?  It's vodka's fault.  People close to her say that she is so stressed by all her financial difficulties that she's taken to drinking and is consuming two liters of vodka a day.  I know I was somewhat of a heavy drinker back in college and by that I mean I had a high alcohol tolerance.  I wasn't drinking to drunkenness like Lindsay does every day.  I figure if I drank two liters of vodka I'd be puking.  Does vodka contain vitamins?  I don't see how that can be beneficial to anyone.  It won't be long before most of her internal organs raise a white flag and/or the entire vodka industry tells us that there's a vodka shortage.
  
  While shooting up together in his trailer on the set of Scary Movie 5, Charlie Sheen bonded with Lindsay Lohan and I hope by "bonded" that's all it means.  TMZ says she told Charlie all of her problems including her problems with the IRS, which is that she owes $234,000 for not paying taxes in 2009 and 2010.  Since Charlie considers himself Captain Fix-a-Ho he offered to pay off her debt but Lindsay refused.  I think Lindsay Lohan refusing money is a sign that the world will end in December.  However this week, Charlie sent a check to Lindsay's business manager for $100,000 and Lindsay used it to pay off half her tax debt.  You'd think that with all crack smoke in his brain, Charlie would've forgotten Lindsay's problems.  Lindsay is supposedly set to earn $2million this year and I doubt she'll send a single cent of that to the IRS when she has Charlie Sheen paying her debts for her.  I bet there were strings attached and now every time Charlie comes a calling Lindsay has to dust off her knee pads.  It's not the worse thing she's done for money.  See I Know Who Killed Me.
  
  Larry Hagman, best known for his role as J.R. Ewing, passed away this week at the age of 81 due to complications from cancer.  He was surrounded by family and friend when he died and two of the people that were near him sort of surprised me, Patrick Duffy and Linday Grey, his brother and wife on the show Dallas.  He was also on I Dream of Jeanie but I think most will remember him as J.R. Ewing.  That character is iconic and the "Who Shot J.R." episode may be one of the best shows in TV history or at least it kept people guessing the most.  This Sunday, the Southfork Ranch in Dallas will open it's doors to the public for mourning and tours of the ranch where they shot Dallas.  I actually enjoyed the reboot TNT did but now I wonder how they will close out the character.  He had somewhat of an important part in the show.
  
  Things aren't looking sunny for Sesame Street.  More accusers are stepping forward with lawsuits against the voice and puppeteer of Elmo, Kevin Clash.  His first accuser was Sheldon Stephens and he settled out of court for an estimated $125,000.  The second accuser, Cecil Singleton(his myspace), has sued for $5million.  He claims that he met Clash on a gay phone chat line in 2003 when he was 15 and Clash was 32.  He claims that Kevin took him out to fancy dinners, gave him money, and had sex.  Cecil also claims he wasn't the only boy Kevin was stringing along from these chat lines and that he had a group of boys he regularly saw.  A third accuser has filed an anonymous lawsuit and in it claims he met Clash when he was 16 in the year 2000.  They carried on a relationship for 3 years.  He didn't realize who Clash was until he saw photos of Elmo and Elmo dolls and Clash with celebrities all over his apartment.  This accuser is also writing a book detailing their relationship and in what his lawyer released at a press conference said that Clash would get the accuser drunk and then take advantage of him.  It's really creepy that this guy worked on a kids show.  Just imagine in a few months all the special episodes they'll have on Sesame Street.
  
  Kelly Monaco has a sex tape.  It was taped 20 years ago.  You'll never get to see it because her boyfriend at the time won't release it because he's some sort of gentleman or something weak like that.  She was 19 at the time and it was right before she launched her career through the pages of Playboy.  The guy, Mike Gonzalez, told Star Magazine: "Making the video was a mutual decision, and we filmed it at my house. She's never mentioned it, and I still have it ... If I was a bad person, it would have already been released in the last couple of years, and I would have made a mint. But I'd never do that to her."  Translation: Mike Gonzalez is in need of money and will release a sex tape unless he gets paid off.  He should've released this during the Clinton administration but then it might not have sold because it would've been just another Baywatch babe sex tape and those are like a dime a dozen.  I was at a flea market/antique store and I found the Pam Anderson sex tape in a bin and the guy said it was only 50 cents. 
  
  Speaking of sex tapes, Emma Stone has a sex tape but her boyfriend at the time is trying to release it.  The tape was filmed when she was younger and when she didn't think she'd become famous.  If this sex tape is on an actual bed with white sheets, we probably won't be able to see anything, but I'd probably watch this.  When was the last time a decent looking celebrity's sex tape has seen the light of day? Whatever happened to the Leighton Meester tape? Would love to see Emma Stone, but instead I get to beat off to Hulk Hog...ugh...nevermind.
  
  Kaley Cuoco turned 27 this week.  Yep, that's it.  OH OK, I have a theory for her in which I'd give her the big bang.  God I am so lame.  It's no wonder I'm alone.
  
  Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake have been married for a month now so I guess it's high time the divorce rumors start that will plague their marriage for the next ten years.  People say they are having tension in the marriage because she wants him to dump his party lifestyle and ditch all his friends and their exotic golf outings and clubbing.  She can't stand his friends and now that they are married his friends seem to be crashing their house even more.  Justin also added tension by saying he's not ready to have children for another 2 years.  He better watch out because Jessica Biel was on Conan O'Brien this week and had this to say about Barbie dolls: "They didn't really stick around very long.  I ended up mutilating them by pulling their heads off, cutting off all their hair, dyeing them with markers and sticking them on the Christmas tree lights. They'd light up like these demonic heads. My parents were very open!  Back then I don't think people reported that kind of stuff. Now I would definitely be in trouble.  I still have the heads. They still go on my Christmas tree every year at home."  So basically she is crazy and when chicks are that crazy that translates into one thing: they're cool with butt stuff.  Look it up.  It's on WebMD.  But as for the kids, partying, golfing, and friends, you'd think they'd hammer that out BEFORE they got married.  But then I'm an old-fashioned guy.  Justin is a tool for having his tool friends be more important to him than his wife.  I'd never do that to you, Jessica.  If my friends would come over I'd put them on a party bus in downtown Tel Aviv bought at Al Qaeda used cars and let the magic happen. 
  
  A shot from a movie starring Sofia Vergara called Fading Gigolo was released this week.  It's a movie written and directed by John Turturro.  In the movie Sofia is a bisexual and has a relationship with Sharon Stone.  Sharon Stone would've been nice a few years ago but not now.  It's sort of like going to a restaurant and ordering the most delicious meal on the menu but when it comes to your table instead of letting you eat the meal they punch you in the face.
  
  I've seen this photo floating around the internet and thought it was a joke but someone explained to me that it was Justin Bieber meeting the Canadian prime minister Stephen Harper.  I didn't realize the significance either.  Justin was there to receive the Diamond Jubilee Medal which is given to Canadians who "who have made a significant contribution to a particular province, territory, region or community within Canada, or an achievement abroad that brings credit to Canada."  I guess Chad Kroger, Avril Lavigne, Carly Rae Jespen, and Rich Little were busy.  That is what he wore to receive that major recognition.  He looks like Spanky from Little Rascals mixed in with a little bit of The Boondocks.  There is nothing worse than a cocky toddler in overalls and a backward baseball hat.  Justin's mom must've been washing his diapers.  I know this kid is trying to wear the fashion from the 90s but why is he wearing the WORST of the 90s?  Poor Prime Minister Harper!  He looks so confused at Justin's SWAG.  It's like he's trying to figure out who this female farmer is.
  
  SPOILER ALERT!  STOP READING IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE DARK KNIGHT RISES!  OK, don't say I didn't warn you.  At the end of The Dark Knight Rises we learn that Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character John Blake's real name is Robin and we see him enter the Bat Cave.  So does that make him Robin or the new Batman?  I was confused and this week I got confuseder when it was announced that Gordon-Levitt would be playing Batman in a Justice League movie.  The film will be released in 2015 and supposedly the next relaunch of the Superman movie Man of Steel will be tied in to the Justice League movie.  Drew McWeeny over at Hitfix says that Gordon-Levitt will be a lock for the Justice League movie and will take up the mantle of Batman in more Christopher Nolan directed Batman movies.  I'm somewhat OK with this but my big question is about who will play Wonder Woman.  *puts on nerd hat* Wonder Woman is an Amazonian warrior princess *takes off nerd hat* so if they cast Zooey Deschanel or Kristin Stewart I might burn this country down.  So who would you cast as Wonder Woman?
  
  Joe Jackson, father of The Jackson Family, suffered a stroke early this morning.  There is no word on his condition other than that he's still alive and still being treated.  From all the TV movies I've seen about the Jacksons, this guy was a major asshole who beat his children and had an afro for most of his life.  I guess they won't have me write his obituary if he dies.
  
  According to inside sources, Jessica Simpson is pregnant once again and they weren't planning it.  How does a married couple not plan on having a child?  Do they stop having sex?  Do they quit using birth control and hope for the best?  Was she forcibly impregnated?  Did she slip and fall unfertilized egg first into some semen? Last time I checked, there was only one way to get pregnant. Unless cookie dough has a dick, I'm gonna take a wild stab and say this was planned. Unlike her meals for the week.  I just don't get it....hahaha...like sex.  And because portion control and diet are lame, Jessica found a way out of her Weight Watchers contract and all she had to do was lie with her legs open.  It's also good news for Eric Johnson because he just won another 18 years of not working and we also win because we get to hear Jessica talk about how awesome pregnancy sex is.
  
  Jenny McCarthy staged this photoshoot of her working out this week.  I got confused and thought that maybe this was an anti-vaccination press conference or Jenny showing how she has sex with trees.
  
  Even though she's basically a C-Lister now, Jennifer Lopez still acts like she's an A+ star.  You'd think after being on American Idol it would've knocked her down a peg but according to a flight attendant, JLO is still an insufferable cunt.  A flight attendant had this to say about her asking for a drink on a flight: "I just said, 'What can I get you to drink?' But Jennifer refused to even acknowledge me. She turned her head away and told her personal assistant, 'Please tell him I'd like a Diet Coke and lime.  She wouldn't even look at me. It was sad, she seems so sweet in her movies."  An inside source added: "She doesn't speak to salespeople, restaurant or hotel staff – or flight attendants.  She only talks through her assistants."  "Jennifer Lopez was a huge bitch to me and everyone in the room" stories have been around since Jennifer Lopez. So if you read a story about Lopez rescuing a homeless man from a burning a building or asking a doorman about his grandchildren, just expect the next story to be about her exorcism because she's obviously possessed by some sort of demon.
  
  This week so many photos from the set of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire were released.  I've seen so many of those photos that I'm convinced I've seen the entire movie.  Anyway here's some photos of Jennifer Lawrence doing her own stuntwork on the set of this movie.
  
  The Amish are coming!  The Amish are coming!  Wait a second.  She's showing off too much skin to be Amish.  I guess Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale were just celebrating Thanksgiving by dressing up as rich Pilgrim hipsters.
  
  NBC is going to do a live broadcast of a remake of The Sound of Music.  This week it was announced that Carrie Underwood would play Maria von Trapp.  The NBC version will be based on the Broadway play and not the movie.  I hope they countrify the whole thing and cast Billy Ray Cyrus as Count von Trapp, Dolly Parton as Mother Superior, the Duggar children as the von Trapp children or the Nazi army, Kenny Chesney as Rolf, and Clay Aiken as Elsa.
  
  In case you were wondering about the new Star Wars movie, Carrie Fisher told someone at a book signing that she was already cast.  A website called TheForce.net had this story from a guy named Curt: "I was at Carrie Fishers booksigning in Cherry Hill, NJ on November 15, and the interview she did started with the question 'Are you really going to be in a new star wars movie?' and Carrie answered quietly 'Yes....I thought it was already common knowledge.' She did not elaborate, as she probably doesn't want to crow too loudly at this point in the project development. But this is the first confirmation from one of the main OT Cast. LFL has not said the cast would return yet."  There's also no word from Disney so who knows if she was having a hallucination or she was just fucking with Star Wars nerds.  If she is telling the truth it makes sense since the movie will probably take place 45 years in the future and maybe by that time Tattooine will have an Applebee's that Princess Leia can manage since her home planet was blown up.
  
  Comedy writer Bruce Vilanch turned 64 this week.  God...it's like looking in a mirror...well not since I got my haircut.  Still interested, ladies?  That's right, I knew you never were to begin with.
  
  Bill Nye the Science Guy turned 57 this week but he's still an awkward teenage boy at heart.
  
  Chad Kroger of Nickelback said he is really impressed with Avril Lavigne's talent and that working with her is "like taking a bazooka to a knife fight!"  He told BANG Showbiz: "It's easier to write for somebody who has got a vocal range like she's got. It's ridiculous how high she can go. She just opens up her throat and it goes higher and higher - and it's amazing, it's like taking a bazooka to a knife fight!"  Working with Avril is like bringing a bazooka to a knife fight, assuming of course that the bazooka shoots poser douchebaggery and calls it music. Good God, even using the phrase "bazooka to a knife fight" makes me cringe with embarrassment. Chad and Avril's soft rock horseshit are so similarly bland that they really are meant for each other. If we all got together and crowned them "Super Rock Couple of the Century," can we go ahead and deport them back to Canada or Afghanistan or wherever the hell we won't hear from them again? Anywhere except America is fine with me.  And if Chad Kroger is amazed by her ability, how much does he suck?
  
  Will we one day call Ashley Judd, "Senator Judd"?  Probably not but let's play along with her to make her think she's more important than she actually is.  Members of the Democratic party of Kentucky are toying with the idea of having Ashley run for Senate against Mitch McConnell in 2014.  This will be considered quite an undertaking since Kentucky is a reliable red state.  Ashley was helpful for Democratic parties especially in neighboring Tennessee.  Ashley said this at a women's political forum: "I do receive a lot of encouragement to run ... and my sincere desire is to be useful. I want to serve ... and I may be doing that to the best of my capacity ... in the space I'm already operating in. Or, it may be time to look at possibly running for office."  Great, just what the Senate needs, another uniformed dope.  Nothing against her but isn't there anything better to do in her Hollywood retirement than to sink this country into further depression? Her views fall in line with every other Hollywood douchebag wannabe politician which means higher gas prices and less freedom.  I just want to drive an old school Hummer out into the forest and hunt endangered species.
  
  A month after dumping Connor Kennedy, Taylor Swift is now dating 18 year old Harry Styles of the boy band One Direction. And now The Sun says that not only is she dating him, but she wants to buy a house near him in the Primrose Hill section of London so she can be closer to him.  Talk about clingy...sheesh.   Of course, while dating Conor Kennedy, Taylor bought a house right next to the Kennedy Compound in Hyannis Port for $5 million, so this isn't the first time she bought a house to be near someone she was infatuated with. I just hope she doesn't start dating some guy from Compton or Detroit, or super-white girl is so screwed.  I wonder if Harry Styles even knows they're dating because Taylor seems like the type of girl that would tell you that you're in a relationship with her or would tell all her friends that she's dating you and you have no clue.  The house she buys will double in value just because her name is attached to it so as clingy as she is she's also a real estate genius.  She's also receiving death threats from One Direction fans out there and to send death threats over a guy you're not dating you have to be really out there.  She has received multiple tweets along the lines of "I'll murder Taylor Swift. She will not date my Harry."  How many proms does this girl want to go to?  Why does she have a thing for guys who are not legally able to drink?  I'm not Dr. Phil or anything but shouldn't a girl be going after a guy who knows what to do with a vagina?  If nothing else, it'll keep her from making anymore albums about sleepovers and wine coolers or whatever the hell.
  
  For the past 10 seasons, Angus T. Jones has played the half in Two and a Half Men and he's the highest paid child actor in America and regularly and happily cashes his $350,000 pay check for each episode of his work.  But back in October Angus made a video for a Christian church in which he urged people to not watch the show that made him a millionaire.  He said this in the video: "Jake from Two and a Half Men means nothing. He is a non-existent character. If you watch Two and a Half Men, please stop watching Two and a Half Men. I'm on Two and a Half Men and I don't want to be on it. Please stop watching it and filling your head with filth. Please. People say it’s just entertainment. The fact that it's entertainment, it's... Do some research on the effects of television and your brain, and I promise you you’ll have a decision to make when it comes to television, especially with what you watch. It's bad news. I don't know if it means anymore coming from me, but you might not have heard it otherwise. Just watch it. A lot of people don't want to think about how deceptive the enemy is."  He went on to talk about a lot of other things regarding God and Christianity and basically says how God has a plan for him being on Two and a Half Men.  Maybe it will lead to a Trinity Broadcasting Network show called Two and a Half Christians starring him, Kirk Cameron, and Stephen Baldwin.  Even though God hates Two and a Half Men he apparently loves money and honoring contracts more.  Even though Angus hates the show and the $8million he earns per season, he apologized for his comments: "I have been the subject of much discussion, speculation and commentary over the past 24 hours. While I cannot address everything that has been said or right every misstatement or misunderstanding, there is one thing I want to make clear. Without qualification, I am grateful to and have the highest regard and respect for all of the wonderful people on Two and Half Men with whom I have worked over the past ten years and who have become an extension of my family. Chuck Lorre, Peter Roth and many others at Warner Bros. and CBS are responsible for what has been one of the most significant experiences in my life to date. I thank them for the opportunity they have given and continue to give me and the help and guidance I have and expect to continue to receive from them. I also want all of the crew and cast on our show to know how much I personally care for them and appreciate their support, guidance and love over the years. I grew up around them and know that the time they spent with me was in many instances more than with their own families. I learned life lessons from so many of them and will never forget how much positive impact they have had on my life.  I apologize if my remarks reflect me showing indifference to and disrespect of my colleagues and a lack of appreciation of the extraordinary opportunity of which I have been blessed. I never intended that."  Translation: "Being on Two and a Half Men has eaten away at my Christian beliefs and I'll have to do a lot of penance and give a lot of money to my church to be made right but God wants me to be a semi-famous millionaire right now."  In all my years of being Christian I've always struggled with people who say "God talks to me".  I've never heard anyone talking to me.  Maybe I'm not a true Christian.  Guess all those years studying the Bible were for naught but if I'm not a true Christian who hears God talking then I can be on a show like Two and a Half Men but if I was on the cast they might have to call it Four and a Half Men.  I anticipate Angus will be removed and Patton Oswalt will be cast and will become the half and the show will be all short jokes.
  
  Courtney Stodden celebrated Thanksgiving by getting naked and covering herself with a cardboard turkey.  I can tell you one thing I'm not thankful for and that's cardboard turkeys.

  I hope everyone has a pain-free weekend.

  • 8:09 PM
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