December 5, 2012

• Motivation

  I’m all for the freedom of speech but someone ought to do something about the word “nom”.  Get on that shit, Obama!  If you don’t ban it by the end of your second term it will be all for naught.

  I bought some extra sensitive tooth paste because I’ve been having some painful reactions to cold things. It started crying when I put it in my medicine cabinet and it saw that I had other toothpastes.
  

  I really hate Christmas music because most of the time it’s just the same song sung by 50 different people. Every once in a while you get an original song but it sucks.  I also hate Christmas movies because 99% of the time it’s always about a single guy and a single girl who meet under odd circumstances and then they are happy and everything’s going good and then trouble arises and their relationship comes to a halt and then something brings them together and they’re happy and then end up living happily ever after.  Wait a second, I just described almost every Lifetime movie.  The only difference is a Christmas movie is set at Christmas. I’ve seen Christmas movies and Thanksgiving movies and Halloween movies with that same formula.  I suppose we could also make one for Flag Day.

  I got a strange email from a celebrity who appreciated my sense of humor.  David Copperfield loves my celebrity round up.  He loved it so much he invited me to his new mansion for a housewarming party last weekend.  He took me on a tour and it got pretty sad because with every room he showed me he said, “This is where the magic happens.”

  Everyone asks that existential question, “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around, does it make a noise?”  Forget that. If there weren’t such things as wildcats or tigers, would high school football exist?
  

  One of my neighbors is an aspiring cartoonist.  He recently presented me with an opportunity to invest in his cartooning business.  I don’t know if I should because this guy is sort of sketchy.

  Pick-up lines guaranteed to fail: “Those leggings sure do accentuate the contours of your vagina.” “You’re dirtier than my browser’s history.”  “You’re just like a snowflake: beautiful,unique, and with one touch from me you’ll be wet.”  “Do you play Pokemon because I want to throw my balls at you?”  “Your boobs would look good in my hands.”

  You know all those internet and text sayings kids use?  Well they’re Satanic.  LOL = Lucifer our Lord, YOLO = Youth Obeying Lucifer’s Orders, SWAG = Satan’s Wishes are Guaranteed, ROFL = Rise, Our Father Lucifer, BRB = Beelzebub Rules Below, WTF= Worship the Fallen.

  Do vegans scold animals for eating other animals and lecture them on the dangers of eating meat?

  I wish I had Willy Wonka’s whistle so I could have a group of orange little people with green hair come fix all my problems.  I wonder if there are female Oompa Loompas.

  Christmas is so close I can smell the mistletoe I’m not going to be kissed underneath.

  I’m surprised that Mountain Dew and Pepsi hasn’t given Lana Del Rey a sponsorship contract but then maybe Pepsi doesn’t want to be associated with the taste of her vagina.

  I was going to make some Mayan apocalypse jokes but it seems like everyone out there is making them like there’s no tomorrow so I’ll abstain.

  And if you look closely, you’ll notice that everyone who has predicted the end of the world has been wrong so far.

  But if the Mayans are right, I’ll meet the love of my life on December 20^th.

  The best way to describe teaching kindergarten is by comparing it to being the only sober person in a group of stoners and drunks.

  I wish it was hot outside so I could force people to love me.

  I was reading about food fetishes and how in some first world countries “sploshing” is very popular. I’m hoping there is a sub-fetish involving food that pasta and I hope it’s called fetshini alfredo.

  If a guy masturbates while smoking marijuana do they call it “weed whacking”?

  I find it ironic that tonight I’m watching TV and one the History Channel I see American Pickers and they are glorifying hoarding and then I flip to the next channel and A&E is airing Hoarders and they are demonizing hoarding.  I wish my TV would make up it’s mind.

  I am the Picasso of loneliness.
  

  One of my ex-girlfriends referred to her nipples as the eyes of her boobs.  I didn’t have the heart to tell her she was cross-eyed.

  Do you know where I can return ten lords-a-leaping without a gift receipt?

  Dear Santa, all I wanted for Christmas last year was a girl with low self-esteem and questionable tattoos that I can mock on my blog.  You didn’t deliver.  Screw you. I hope you contracted salmonella from the raw chicken in the sushi I left out for you.

  A recent study revealed that the best example of American greed can be found on the day after Christmas when people are out looking for more stuff after spending the previous day receiving free stuff.

  Have you ever spent your Christmas in a bathroom drinking because everyone is “concerned” with your drinking habits?  Why is it that whenever someone is monitoring your drinking habits, you want to get shit-faced even more?

  When I was in high school my school spirit was vodka.

  Did you enjoy the new air guitar I got you for Christmas?

  And now for your weekly dose of motivation or some lame shit I say weekly:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Friends are like snowflakes, if you piss on them, they’ll disappear.

  There is one day every year that “Christmas” is searched more than “porn” on Google.  Oddly, that day is August 7^th.

  Guys, if you find a girl drinking whiskey with no mixer, put a ring on her finger or take her to the nearest IHOP, you know which ever is easier for you.

  I always feel low when I’m in the drivethru at McDonald’s.  The only time I feel more depressed is when I’m singing to my CD player that’s playing Alanis Morrissette while I’m sitting in the parking lot of Kmart eating food bought at a drivethru.

  I think I’m responsible for HBO canceling “Hung”.  I went to pitch my own TV show and I don’t know why it happened but during my presentation I dropped my pants.

  I went out Christmas shopping and mistook a strip club for a strip mall.  Long story short, I blew all my money and my family received coasters, swizzle sticks, and napkins for presents.

  I had good news and bad news when I woke up this morning.  The bad news was there was gum stuck in my chest hair.  The good news was it wasn’t my gum.

  I let my cats try some Greek yogurt.  They no longer run around the house saying“meow”.  They’re running around screaming “Opa!”

  I had to return some tools to the Home Depot.  The manager gave me my cash back as well as a lovely plaid skirt.

  I’d rather kiss girls underneath the cameltoe.

  People often use the expression “hung like a horse”.  I have always wondered if that applies tome.  Do My Little Ponies count?

  Try explaining you believe in free love to an angry pimp.

  Every time I see a car with a Packer flag, reindeer antlers,or Christmas wreath, I believe that the economy has gotten that much better.

  I don’t think MTV will be satisfied until they have a show about babies having babies.

  I always thought I’d do pretty good in the event of a zombie apocalypse but then I remembered how close I had to sit to the TV in order to play Duck Hunt.

  PRINCESS KATE IS PREGNANT! OMG!  OMG!  OMG! This is going to have such a huge effect on my life!

  I tried watching Glee again and I learned something.  No matter your gender, race, sexual orientation, or creed, anyone can get together and make a steaming pile of shit.  Glee fucking sucks!

  My Secret Santa recipient is going to be delighted to find out that I coated their desk with Axe Body Spray.

  If I ever have kids and they ask how I met their mother it sure as hell won’t take me ten years to tell them.  “She was stripping at Cruisin’ Chubby's and I paid for a lap dance and I was only wearing sweatpants and you went through my pants.”  And by the way I include the hyperlink in my speech because it's the future and you can do shit like that.

  I’m amazed how young Cindy Crawford’s mole has remained over the years.

  My parents called me a douche.  My sunglasses fell off the back of my head but thankfully they landed on my popped collar.

  Choosy moms choose Jif. Unchoosy moms choose me.

  Don’t let anyone tell you that you’ll never amount to anything in life.  Look at me, I’m a fatass slacker who writes jokes on Xanga. LIVING THE DREAM!

  I’m getting to the age where if I see a cute profile pic on Xanga I dream about what she’ll cook me for supper one day.

  A new study found that Xanga doesn’t ruin relationships; people do.  Xanga’s just an accelerant.

  My Xanga crush is adorable. They finally admitted that I’m mentally unstable and have issues with the number structure of my pronouns.

  What if spammers and bots on Xanga were actually aliens from another planet and they haven’t mastered the English language yet?

  One of the reasons Twitter is better than Xanga is because you can’t spell “Twitter” without “wit” or “tit”.  If you can’t appeal to my mind you should aim for appealing to my eyes.

  Sometimes you need to step back, take a deep breath, log off Xanga, and realize there’s more to life than arguing about racism, foreskins,politics, telling your kids about Santa, and oral sex.

  The longer I’m on Xanga, the more hypocritical it becomes when I’ll have to teach my children not to talk to strangers.

  New Xanga team welcome message on first posts: Welcome toXanga.  Feel free to attack and judge.  Don’t forget to keep it catty and ignorant.

  If only eprops could pay the bills but then I’d probably still not have enough to cover everything.

  If I ever went to a Xanga meet-up it would become obvious within seconds that I’m more awkward than Augie Farks.

  I still can’t believe there is a certain group of people that hate on a few people who haven’t been active here in months and steal their photos off other websites.  You have no lives…wait, it’s one guy operating multiple accounts…you have no life.

  In the future it won’t matter which clothes you wear or what car you drive.  There will be no social stigmata with material goods.  Your social standing will be based on how many friends or followers you have online and how much drama you cause on Xanga.

  • 7:07 PM
  • 29 Comments