December 22, 2012

• Celebrity Round Up 12/21/12

  No apocalypse...sort of bummed.  Now I'll have to go Christmas shopping.  Maybe the Mayans weren't talking about an end of a world but a new line of thinking and I'm thinking this new line of thinking should be more people reading this post.  Nah...that's pretty far-fetched.  Time for the round-up.

  NSFW and NSFL

  
  There's nothing more special than separated parents trying to buy their children's love during the holiday season.  Katie Holmes has spent more than $48,000 on presents for Suri.  Suri's biggest present is a Victorian playhouse costing almost $24,000. The small building, which will be set up in the family garden, includes running water and electricity. It's a step up from a homemade treehouse, but probably not as fun. Suri's pressie haul also includes an iPad mini, a $9,600 kids' version of a Mercedes, a Ralph Lauren dress and a Chloe fur coat.  Tom Cruise recently bought Suri a pony but since Katie lives in New York City she can't keep so Tom has bought Suri a mansion.  Yes, he bought her a mansion where she can house her horse.  On Christmas morning, Suri Cruise will open a box holding the key to her new $13.5 million mansion in Upstate NY.  I guess when Suri is naughty and Katie tries to discipline her instead of yelling at her to go to her room she'll say go to your Victorian playhouse or your Upstate NY mansion.  I get the idea that Suri is the girl version of Richie Rich.  But for the love of Pete, can I get on their secret Santa list?  That money sure goes a long way when it's Lord Tom Cruise who earns it, doesn't it?  I bet he earned a lot of money for Jack Reach-around.  Hell, forget about Suri, you can buy my love for a lot less than $48k. $35k and a handjob every now and again is more than enough to get an "I love you, mommy" out of me this Christmas.
  
  Tim Tebow is still a virgin and will be one for quite some time because he broke up with Camilla Belle this week.  They started dating a couple of months ago and they were seen holding hands and doing kissing stuff at a bowling alley in Florida.  Tebow had this to say: "I've been blessed to have an amazing mom and two amazing sisters — so they set a very high standard. Obviously looks play a big part. Being attracted to someone plays a big part, but there's also so much more than that for me. It's about finding someone sweet and kind — and that has a servant's heart."  So he wants to date his mom and sisters...hmmm I'm trying to think of where he could play in the NFL where dating your mom and sister is appealing to the fan base.
  
  Taylor Swift calls that mic "John Mayer".  When Taylor Swift turned 23 this month, her boyfriend Harry Styles spent $1500 on her for 23 cupcakes, a Jimmy Choo bag, and earrings. And since Taylor Swift has no fucking idea how to take shit slow, because she's a codependent love fool who falls in love with anyone famous who says hi to her, she just dropped $80K on Beatles memorabilia, because Styles is a fan.  She's been phoning Beatles stores in Liverpool hoping to find pieces of rare autographed memorabilia she knows Harry will love.  Conor Kennedy reportedly broke things off because apparently Taylor Swift was already talking about babies and getting married and this was less than a month ago. Note to self: 1. Tell Taylor Swift she's pretty 2. Tell her I'm a fan of cyborg dragons with laser eyes and strippers.  That's really nice of Taylor to give JC Chasez v 2.0 such a nice birthday present. Considering that they're in year one of the one-year boy band lifespan, that's gonna be one hell of a retirement package assuming he doesn't trade it all for money so he can buy nose candy.  Now before the One Direction lawyers start sharpening their knives, let me say that I am NOT accusing him of abusing drugs, but let's be honest, Justin Timberlake aside, there isn't an ex-boy bander alive who hasn't sucked a dude's dick for coke at some point in their life.  If you live long enough, you'll probably end up dating Taylor Swift because her vagina is basically Ellis Island and your chances just got better because after she left England, Harry Styles allegedly banged a bunch of college girls.  He was photographed at a party with a group of girls who sent out numerous tweets: "He told her she was very attractive and to take off her Minnie Mouse suit lol."  "Best day of my life! Chilled with him for like 3 hours!!! I was literally in shock the whole time, trying to play it cool haha, but inside i was freaking out!!!!!"  Having sex with Taylor Swift is fun and all but I think it's better having sex with Taylor Swift and other girls.  I think this Harry Styles fella is really onto something here. I may have to study his methods a little closer.  But then I probably could achieve orgasm faster if I was having sex with a pizza box.
  
  Snooki gave birth in August and she's back to her partying ways.  It's alright because she left her child at home with a trusted nanny.  Locked closets aren't just for hanging clothes.  Now that Snooki is back drinking the liquor industry is rejoicing.
  
  Rihanna was spotted in Barbados for her vacation from...what is it that she does again...partying and apologizing for her abusive boyfriend.  I guess it is hard work because her partying and apologizing is done here in the States so she had to leave the country.  She's renting some sort of beach house that is going for $9000 a night and has 10 bedrooms and 10 bathrooms.  Good.  She has plenty of hiding places when she "disrespects" her boyfriend.  I'm not making light of spousal abuse.  I just can't believe someone who was beaten as bad as she was is back with her abuser and apologizes for him and says she was to blame.  I really don't understand women which is probably why I'm single.  They say they care about you and they ignore you.  I must be really awful.  I guess I should upgrade from Dollar Tree cologne to Dollar General cologne.
  
  President Obama was named Time's person of the year.  Damn!  4chan went to all that trouble to get the votes for Kim Jong-un and they won't recognize it.  What did Obama do?  Kim Jong-un has launched missiles and has beaten Kobe Bryant in a game of one on one.  He is the Supreme Commander that will take North Korea onwards toward victory.  Kim Jong-un's birthday is a national holiday.  Kim Jong-un cuts his own hair because he's afraid of barbers but that's not irrational because barbers have straight razors and could slice your throat.  Obama relies on barbers to cut his hair and that's not self-sufficient.  Kim Jong-un has also declared that William Shakespeare did in fact write all his plays and sonnets and he also invented the GIF.  What has Obama done?  I bet Malia and Sasha stuffed the ballot box to get their dad elected.  I bet he got nominated because it turns out he's Spidreman's biggest rival and comic book nerds like that sort of thing.  I don't know, I'm sort of still liking Kim Jong-un.
  
  Pamela Anderson will be appearing on a reality show in the U.K.  She will be a contestant on Dancing on Ice, a ridiculous ice skating competition.  I thought Dancing with the Washed Up Stars was bad enough.  Oh well, anything for a paycheck, right?
  
  TMZ somehow got a hold of photos from Miley Cyrus' birthday party celebrating her 20th birthday last month.  I bet one of Miley's friends is driving a new car right now.  Miley sent this Tweet out before her birthday: "if I don't get atleast one big booty hoe my friends are officially not my friends anymore".  She had a party at a house and her friends ordered strippers.  Miley also supposedly received a lap dance from this nice lady.  Now that her true self is being revealed, I'm surprised that Billy Ray kept her in reign while she was on Hannah Montana.  If he wasn't around we'd be talking about the abortion and birth center part of a hospital called "The Miley Cyrus Center for Girls Who Fell for the 'I'm Just Putting in the Tip' Line".  I'm also looking at Miley and then looking at Justin Bieber.  Wow, they look alike.  I don't think they've ever been in the same room at the same time so they could be the same person much like Miley was Hannah Montana.  This is also what I expect it will look like once VH1 starts celebreality dating shows again and gives Justin Bieber a Flava of Love style show.
  
  This is Micaele Schäfer.  She is a German attention whore who thinks she is a model and is just popular and in the scene to get invited to red carpet events where she is always half-naked.  I guess she's the German equivalent of the Kardashians or Paris Hilton.  She wore this for a Christmas event.  I think she totally captured the essence of Christmas because whenever I think of Christmas that's what I see.  If she's Santa I'd sort of like to see Krampus or Belschnikel.  Also whenever I think of the Brandenburg Gate, I see her.
  
  This Margot Robbie.  She is an actress and is supposedly dating Leonardo DiCaprio.  They are also co-stars in DiCaprio's upcoming movie The Wolf of Wall Street.  This week Leonardo was spotted leaving her house early in the morning.  That's easy to explain, they were studying lines...nakedly of course.  This guy has banged his way through all the Victoria's Secret models and now he's banging his way through co-stars.  I just hope that Margot doesn't take her future dumping personally. Once you've accepted DiCaprio's DNA all over your face and chest, you've instantly become an elite member of whatever it is that you do. Case in point: Bar Refaeli. Before Leo discovered her vagina, she was selling falafel outside a Tel Aviv McDonald's.  I think when DiCaprio dies he should have his penis encased in gold and mounted on a plaque with a plate that says "Vagina Master Key".
  
  A week before the tragic shootings in Newton, CT, all was right in the world for Ke$ha.  She had the #3 song on the charts with her song titled "Die Young".  According to radio airplay trackers, her song was reaching 167 million listeners nationwide the day before the shooting.  A day after the shooting, the song only reached 164 million listeners and by Monday it was down to 149million which is a sign that radio stations are pulling her song.  A drop this significant in a short time is rare and the last time it happened was when The Dixie Chicks were banned from country radio after their comments about then President Bush.  So it seems like Ke$ha’s catchy tune was pretty unlucky, as the song’s popularity has been cut short for a very good reason.  I think the song will drop to someplace next to the dumpster where Ke$ha sleeps.  She took to Twitter to apologize for the song and say that some mysterious being made her sing those lyrics even though she's credited with co-writing the song.  She tweeted: "I'm so so so sorry for anyone who has been effected by this tragedy and I understand why my song is now inappropriate.  Words cannot express."  "I understand.  I had my very own issue with "die young" for this reason. I did NOT want to sing those lyrics and I was FORCED to."  I wish whoever forced her to sing those lyrics would've forced her to take a bath.  I bet it was the Illuminati or Kimmy Gibbler but more than likely the Jews will be blamed.
  
  Deadmau5 proposed to Kat Von D in the douchiest manner ever and of course she said yes so they are now engaged.  He asked Kat Von D to be his future ex-wife on Twitter.  Maybe they can send "I Love You" notes over New Myspace.  He sent this out via Twitter.  And she said "yes" and then he posted on Twitter: "holy fucking shit. im engaged and stuff!"  I really can't wait for them to get married on Skype, spend their honeymoon by posting stock pictures of tropical places on Instagram and give birth to a Tumblr before getting divorced on Facebook. A true modern day romance. Yes, Kat Von D just got engaged (for like the ten millionth time) to a DJ who regularly wears a mouse head and proposed to her ass on Twitter, but he's still a major upgrade from Jesse James. So there's that.
  
  Justin Bieber pissed off the entire Philippines after taking to Instagram to mock Manny Pacquiao's recent loss to Juan Manuel Marquez, and now they're threatening to ban him from the country.  He posted a few images on Instagram from the recent fight.  One is here and another is here.  I can't find the third but it was of Floyd Mayweather standing over what looked like Manny Pacquiao.  Filipino congressmen are filing a resolution that demands an apology lest Bieber be named a person non grata and be banned from the country.  I think the only reason they are doing that is because Manny Pacquiao is a congressman as well and they don't want to be beaten by him.  The congressmen said that Bieber not only insulted Pacquiao but also the entire population.  I don't get how that's offensive to the entire population of the Philippines.  Talk about sensitive.  When asked about Justin Bieber, all Manny Pacquiao could say after he recovered from having his bell rung was that he'd pray for Bieber.  Ooops...I made light of Manny Pacquiao's defeat.  I guess I insulted all of the Philippines.  But seriously, am I to believe that Justin Bieber is some sort of tough guy?  Obviously neither I nor anyone else believes that Justin is a man's man who can handle his business with his fists, and that includes Justin herself. Good God, if Justin was any less intimidating he'd be a member of Fall Out Boy.  I know, I know, Justin has those big Twitter muscles that give him a loud mouth, but Manny Paquiao is a real man. Calling out someone's shitty music is just a matter of opinion -- calling a man a pussy for losing a fight with a legitimate fighter is what little bitches do.  As much as I dislike Pacquiao I'd like to see what Justin would've sent out on Twitter or Instagram following a fight with Pacquiao.  He'd probably be asking for a nurse to empty his colostomy bag and bed pan.
  
  In case you didn't know, Holly Madison is pregnant.  I know, I know, I could hardly believe it because it's not like she doesn't talk about that shit ad nauseum and takes every opportunity she can to announce she's pregnant.  I bet she believes her child will grow up to be president or invent time travel or cure cancer.  The truth is the kid will grow up in Las Vegas and be exposed to all the drugs out there and will hang out with Criss Angel and eventually do street magic and give handjobs so he can eat at buffets.
  
  Heidi Klum posted this photo of her sunbathing topless on Twitter this week.  Some media sources claimed this photo was racy.  Those media sources then took their girlfriend out for milkshakes and after a goodnight kiss the media outlets returned home to masturbate because their girlfriend wore a skirt that showed off her ankle.
  
  Claire Danes isn't pregnant anymore.  She gave birth to a so called baby boy this week.  Her and her husband Hugh Dancy welcomed so called Cyrus Michael Christopher Dancy into the world.  Cyrus-ly though?  That kid is a name hoarder.  I wonder if they'll get him on A&E's "Hoarders".  I was sort of hoping they'd name him Chase or Jordan or Graham or Rickie.  I wonder if she named him in honor of the Cyrus family...dear lord no.
  
  Good news, everyone, Lindsay Lohan finally thanked Charlie Sheen for giving her money to pay off the IRS.  When I was in college and thought of a potential writing career I never imagined myself writing that sentence.  After Charlie called out Lindsay for not thanking him she sent him a bouquet of flowers and a thank you card.  People close to Lindsay say the reason she didn't give thanks for the gift was because she broke her cellphone and lost all of her contacts.  She should've just stuck a rolled thank you note inside a hooker and it would've reached Charlie in under 12 hours.  I guess it's the thought that counts but who gives Charlie Sheen flowers?  That's like giving Jessica Simpson vegetables or Tom Cruise a rubber vagina.  But if I know Lindsay and Charlie, she probably gave him a bouquet of morning glory seed packets.  Another reason Charlie is probably so upset with Lindsay about not thanking him is because in the movie Scary Movie 5 they were supposed to kiss three times but Lindsay refused to touch his lips with her lips.  That's saying A LOT.  She basically called Charlie a nasty bitch in front of everyone and he still gave her $100,000. Lindsay is delusional, but you can't hate her hustle. Besides, Charlie should know that most smart whores never kiss on the mouth.  And speaking of whoring that is basically what Lindsay has reduced herself to doing now.  A talent company claiming to represent the troubled actress wants us to know their client is available for weddings and Bat Mitzvahs.  The company, 123Talent, also claims that "Not only is Lindsay an Actress but she is also a Fashion Designer, Model and Recording Artist."  I can't believe how entertaining (and long-lasting) Lindsay's meltdown has been. Her death spiral is changing the definition of what we used to call "rock bottom", which is really putting a hurting on my celebrity dead pool team.  Most celebs try to save face and disappear into obscurity as penance to their career suicides (see Winona Ryder, Mel Gibson, Michael Richards) but not my Lindsay.  And when I say "my" I totally can own her now and book her for my bar mitzvah.  Lindsay's a fighter.  Reports are also surfacing that while on the set of Scary Movie 5 Lindsay clogged all the toilets on location.  She clogged the toilet in her trailer and since all the toilets run on the same system she clogged all the others as well.  This forced the other "stars" of the movie, Ashley Tisdale, Charlie Sheen, Simon Rex, and Heather Locklear, and the rest of the cast to use empty coffee cans for toilets.  Lindsay of course believes she was sabotaged by producers who snuck into her trailer and clogged the toilet because they were mad that she didn't show up the first day of filming because she had pneumonia.  Lindsay also says that when she did show up for work the toilet and shower didn't work.  She also claims that they took thousands of dollars out of her paycheck to pay for repairs.  Lindsay Lohan can't even take a simple dump without it turning into a huge dramatic mess involving lawyers.  I blame the toilet because it's the perfect place to get rid of coke when the producers and insurance men try to find your hidden stash by bringing drug-sniffing dogs into your trailer. Blame the toilet.  True story: one of my ex-girlfriends always clogged the toilet whenever she used it because she used like 11 rolls of toilet paper.  She was like 5'4" and 110lbs.  She would stay in the bathroom until her legs were numb regardless of what she was doing so basically I believe this story to be true.  I liked that girl too.  She'd climb on me like I was a mountain and I was compared to her...sigh...alone for Christmas.  Lindsay may be more popular than me but I don't owe the IRS any money and I don't have to resort to begging Charlie Sheen to pay off my fines.
  
  Since I tend to post a lot of T&A, here's Brad Pitt.  He turned 49 this week.  I have to admit that as jealous as I am that women love him and throw themselves at me and throw themselves in front of traffic when they see me, I do enjoy some of his movies especially the one this photo was taken from.
  
  Ashton Kutcher gave Demi Moore the Christmas gift that keeps on taking this year.  He filed for divorce and served her the papers this week.  He waited a year because of something about dignity and something about honor.  I bet the real reason is because Demi's been too busy devouring 20 year old penis and devoting her life to her Red Bull addiction.  Ashton cited "irreconcilable differences" as the reason for divorce and he doesn't want spousal support and will not give spousal support to Demi.  They will split up their estate at a later date.  Ashton will spend his Christmas with his face buried in Mila Kunis' crotch while Demi is worried about her daughters hating her so she has to go to a dive bar where she winks at all the guys under 23.  It will be her best Christmas ever and if she's still wearing her red string then...HAPPY KABBALAHKUH!
  
  Amy Winehouse died in July of 201l and according to her death certificate it said that her official cause of death was "death by misadventure".  That almost makes it sound like she died in a hovercraft accident being chased by James Bond instead of dying of alcohol poisoning.  Well, this week British officials are opening an investigation into her death and it's not why you may think.  According to the Camden New Journal, Suzanne Greenway, the assistant deputy coroner who ran the inquiry into Amy's death, doesn't really have the qualifications needed to fill the position.  So I guess that means any of us could beat her in a game of Operation.  The only reason she got the job is because her husband is named Andrew Reid and is a fellow coroner.  They have both resigned from their positions.  Suzanne Greenway didn't have the experience needed to officially declare a cause of death, London officials are launching a new inquest to make sure nothing was missed. Amy Winehouse's family says that they have nothing to do with the new inquest. The new inquest will be heard on January 8, 2013.  I hope they can finally let her rest in peace.
  
  Coco is in Las Vegas now where she has taken over for Holly Madison, who is pregnant by the way in case you didn't already know, in the show Peep Show.  She dances around half-naked so I suppose I'd like tickets for Christmas if any of you got me for a secret Santa.  The only bad thing about this show is that the tourists mistook her ass for the carved meat section on the buffet.

  I hope everyone has a great weekend.

  • 9:21 PM
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