January 6, 2013

• Celebrity Round Up 1/4/13

  The year of living recklessly has commenced.  I decided that I should load up on carbs and horrible pizza so I went to the Christian pizza chain in a nearby town and ate until I felt like I was going to explode.  Reckless?  Maybe not but I'm sure feeling it now.  Then while there one of the rooms was crowded with Amish.  Who would've ever thought the Amish would frequent a pizza place?  Well me because every time I go there there's at least one Amish family.  They love the fried chicken.  I saw this one guy dump out half a serving tray of chicken on two plates.  Hopefully he was feeding his children.  After the Christian pizza place I went to the casino.  I went to the roulette table and did fairly well.  I tripled my starting money in 15 minutes.  I figured it was time to leave before I spent another dime and then end up losing all my money.  They didn't even get my car to the valet lot.  It was still in the queue to be parked.  Then I came home on backroads that are infested with deer.  This weekend I have money riding on all the games.  If I win I probably won't have to worry about any bills for the year but if I lose, well if you don't hear from me come Monday then I'm dead.  Now it's time for the round up.

  NSFW and NSFL

  
  Might as well start with the NSFL first.  This is Japanese porn star Uta Kohaku.  This is a promotional shot for her upcoming movie titled Semen Collection 2.  She went onto her Twitter and asked gentlemen to send her samples of their jizz.  100+ guys sent her donations and here she is with all the collection she received in a 10 day period.  She promised to care for the outpouring of sperm she received and also promised to treat them as if they were her own children.  Oh that's so nice she's so maternal.  She has not said what she plans on doing with the collection during the film or after filming wraps up.  Do we really want to know?  Well some of us pervs do and I'm sure there are a few celebrities over here in America that would love to help her with recycling cough Tom Cruise cough John Travolta cough Kevin Spacey cough.  Anyway I don't think this will end well and I doubt shell want to put mayonnaise on anything for the foreseeable future.
  
  Stan Lee turned 90 this week.  He so wants to show you why they call him the Incredible Hulk and where he got the inspiration for Thor's Hammer but it won't happen because the ladies have nicknamed him The Flash.
  
  People often say that there is too much social media and too much social networking but before they say anything bad about WhoSay they need to take a deep breath and look at this photo Sofia Vergara posted this week.  LOOK AT IT!  LOOK AT IT!  Social networking is awesome.  We just need to get Sofia on Xanga.
  
  Rihanna showed us that she celebrated the holidays in style.  You know, it takes a lot to upstage my sluttiness but I bow to her. 
  
  This week Psy announced that he was retiring that dreadful Gangam Style.  Hmmm 2013 is not looking bad after all.  That Gangam Style dance is off to the land of the Electric Slide, the Macarena, and the Chicken Dance.  It will be performed in drunken fashion at white people weddings.
  
  This is Nick Stahl.  He's probably best known for his roles in Carnivale, Terminator 3, Sin City, Bully, and The Man without a Face.  2012 was a bad year for Stahl.  In May he was reported missing by his friends and it turned out he was in a rehab center.  Then later in June the same thing happened.  Well this time he wasn't reported missing.  He was reported coming.  He was arrested inside a porn store for masturbating in one of the video stalls.  Seriously, an actor gets busted for jerking it at an adult video store in the days of internet porn.  Well Fred Willard got arrested for the same thing earlier this year so I guess there's some sort of thrill behind it or maybe something more sinister.  Actually the same cop who arrested Fred Willard arrested Stahl.  He is some sort of anti-masturbating crusader.  He should just stand outside the store and hand anyone who enters a bowl of Corn Flakes.  Look up the history of Corn Flakes.  I give Fred Willard a pass because he's elderly, he's like the male equivalent of Betty White.  But Stahl is 33 and should know better than to go into a confined space where 1000s of other guys have been and that should also serve as a warning to anyone wanting to sleep with Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian.  He should probably watch this youtube commercial for Streamate and learn to stay at home. 
  
  Victoria Silverstedt was spotted reading on the beach this week because obviously she has nothing better to do than go to the beach and read 50 Shades of Grey.  Sometimes I wish I was famous but then being a guy I wouldn't be able to read porn at the beach because I'd be embarrassed because my Speedos wouldn't cast a shadow.
  
  Ashlee Simpson was also spotted at the beach.  There is a reason I used to call her Asslee...sigh
  
  Miley Cyrus tweeted this photo of herself and a "passenger" in her car.  I have no clue what she's doing but she's trying to be "edgy" and use the carpool lane.  The sad thing is that blowup doll probably has more in its head than Miley.  She thinks she's this amazing rock star instead of being the daughter of a guy who was a one hit wonder and used his connections to get her a TV show because he wanted to stay rich.  She's trying to shed her Disney image but is trying way too hard.  Hey, Miley, remember that time you were 11 and wanted to ride your pet horse but your nanny said you had to go for tennis lessons instead?  PARTY!  Speaking of party, Miley and her fiance Liam Hemsworth may have had a party last weekend celebrating their marriage.  They posted a photo together on Twitter showing off wedding bands but took it down when place started reporting their marriage.  Poor Billy Ray, he's slowly losing Meal Ticket Miley.
  
  Matthew McConaughey and his wife Camila Alves welcome their third child into the world this week.  She gave birth to a boy.  They have a 4 year old son named Levi and a 3 year old daughter named Vida.  Early reports said they did the right thing and named their newborn son Loca.  OK that's a long way to go for a Ricky Martin joke.  They actually named him Livingston.  Poor kid.  Everyone will go up to him for the rest of his life and say, "Livingston, I presume?"  I'm also afraid that Matthew won't be able to lift the baby given his recent photos of what he looks like playing Ron Woodruff.
  
  Fast Talker, Lil' Wayne, got a tattoo this week.  It is on his forehead and it says "Baked".  According to Fuse TV, the tattoo "Baked" isn't a reference to the constant state his brain is in but to tribute a skateboard company called "Baker".  I guess going through life with a tattoo whoring himself for a skateboard company isn't one of his worst decisions.  If the company ever folds he can always say it's a tribute to Scrabble or Lay's chips or the Waffle House because that is the same font.  Since he has a larger forehead, he should probably get a warning tattooed on his head for all the women that want to sleep with him: "Warning: if you plan on letting me play a game of 'just the tip' be cautious and make me wear ten condoms and overdose on the morning after pill because if you don't you'll give birth to a litter of hobgoblins in 9 months and there's only so much child support to go around."
  
  This is Krysten Ritter.  She's probably best known for her roles in Breaking Bad and Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23.  She hinted this week that she is interested in and will be playing Anastasia Steele in the 50 Shades of Grey movie.  I really don't know what to think of this because I haven't seen enough of her work to make a judgment nor have I completely read 50 Shades.  All I know is that women love that book and it's somewhat pornographic and this has given me an idea for an invention...vibrators with reading lights.
  
  Katy Perry has a skeevy Santa fetish so she posted this photo of her current boyfriend John Mayer dressed as Santa on Twitter.  Why?  Because he came down her chimney.
  
  My New Year's Eve was pretty boring but then I turned on CNN and saw Kathy Griffin attempting to give Anderson Cooper a kiss at midnight.  I bet she had it in her contract with CNN to do that.  It probably read: "I, the undersigned, hereby vow to make my co-host, Anderson Cooper, giggle uncontrollably by doing anything within my power that can be broadcast on cable tv and I will attempt to devour his genitals with my ravenous mouth at some point during the night."  He giggled a lot especially when Kathy ripped on Kim Kardashian's vagina, Honey Boo Boo, Taylor Swift, and Ryan Seacrest.  Somehow when she mentioned Ryan Seacrest I thought Anderson loved it because she was making fun of his ex.  Well here's the video of the attempted bj or attempt to make Anderson giggle uncontrollably.
  
  Kate Winslet got married last weekend.  She has been dating the guy for a year and he happens to be Richard Branson's nephew.  The couple was married in a romantic and private ceremony inside of a barn.  Kate's "Titanic" co-star, Leonardo DiCaprio, gave her away.  Oh I failed to mention her husband's name.  It was Abel Smith but he changed it to Ned Rocknroll.  She is now Kate Winslet-Mendes-Rocknroll.  If I were her I would definitely go by Kate Rocknroll now.  So Kate got married and Leo probably woke under a pile of bridesmaids.  Congrats to both of them!
  
  Sources close to Justin Bieber are saying he's driving his record label batty because he's smoking a lot of marijuana.  He supposedly likes to take hits from the bong when he wakes up and before he goes onstage.  He was also spotted making out with Selena Gomez at an airport in Salt Lake City which angered Beliebers.  Here's a sampling of what was said on Twitter: "Go back to your own friends and family. let justin breath and get your tongue from down his throat @selenagomez."  "Oh wow. that's obviously how he thanks her for humiliating him in public. do you have a bit of dignity left?"  "Your relationship is faker than joan rivers face @justinbieber @selenagomez"  People are also worried about the group of hangers-on that have surrounded him and do anything he asks of them.  What do you mean, a celebrity toddler who wears diapers made out of $100 dollar bills and has 30 million followers on Twitter has become an arrogant asshole?  My heavens!  Also this week a bit of sadness surrounded Justin.  A paparazzo was trying to get a photo of Justin in his white Ferrari after he was pulled over by LAPD.  He was struck and killed by another motorist.  The sad thing is Justin wasn't in the car and it was being driven by one of his friends.  I don't see the point.  Just go to Google Images and there's plenty of shots with him in the car.  Use one of them.  Miley Cyrus took to Twitter to weigh in on the accident: "Hope this paparazzi/JB accident brings on some changes in '13 Paparazzi are dangerous! Wasn't Princess Di enough of a wake up call?!"  She compared Bieber to Princess Di.  I have a royal disdain for the royal family but this is outrageous.  What has Justin ever done that's comparable?  Oh yeah, he gave his pet hamster to a screaming girl outside a concert in Atlanta.  This photographer was an idiot, but can we please cut out the rhetoric that compares a Canadian kid who spends most of his time learning choreography and smoking weed to one of the most beloved women who ever walked the earth? Over a million people stood OUTSIDE her funeral and the suicide rate went up 17% immediately following her death. If Justin Bieber died we'd have to hear Miley Cyrus sing and Usher give a speech. Let's not get carried away here.
  
  Jodie Marsh, England's finest rose, turned 34 this week.  She celebrated by spending some time at the beach dressed as slutty Santa.  Well, you can't spell "Santa" without "T" and "A".  That Angel of Death tattoo in her no no region reminds dicks that if they enter they may never be heard from again.
  
  Here we go again.  Jessica Simpson showed off that she's pregnant once again.  she's of the Weight Watchers for now.  Weight Watchers wished her luck with her new family while holding their middle fingers up under the table: "It's wonderful news and we couldn't be happier for Jessica, Eric and big sister-to-be Maxwell.  Your WW family is so thrilled for you. What an amazing year you've had!"  Translation: "Thanks, here's the receipt, can we get our money back?"  I guess if you can afford to turn down $3million than more power to you. 
  
  Actor Jack Klugman passed away since the last time I wrote one of these.  He was 90 years old.  He died from complications to prostate cancer.  He was diagnosed with throat cancer in 1974 after years of heavy smoking.  IN 1989 he lost a vocal chord to cancer but continued to act.  He was married to Bret Somers.  They separated in 1974 but never divorced.  Klugman is probably best known for his roles on TV shows "The Odd Couple" and "Quincy M.E." and his roles in the movies "12 Angry Men" and "Cry Terror".  Klugman will be greatly missed.
  
  Another legendary actor passed away recently.  Charles Durning passed away at the age of 89.  He had quite the career.  He served in the military and was among the first soldiers to land on Omaha Beach on D-Day during World War II.  He also served at the Battle of the Bulge.  He was quite a decorated soldier.  He received three Purple Hearts, the Bronze Star, and the Silver Star.  He had quite an acting career and was in too many movies to mention but some include "The Sting", "Dog Day Afternoon", "Tootsie", and "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas".  He also won a Tony Award for his work on a production of "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof".  One of his last roles was on the TV show "Rescue Me" for which he was nominated for a Primetime Emmy.  Durning will be greatly missed.
  
  Florida is quite a different place.  There are zombie attacks and Christian Slater isn't allowed to vote.  Now Hulk Hogan is opening a new restaurant.  I guess Brooke needs a job.  The thing is this restaurant won't be like others.  It's being called a "breastaurant" by Huffington Post.  I guess this means that the waitresses will wear little clothing to distract you from how awful the food is.  Side note...the only redeeming thing about Hooters are the chicken wings but no matter how good they are you always get distracted by the waitresses to give them your power of attorney as a tip.  The breastaurant is called "Hogan's Beach" and supposedly opened on New Year's Eve.  Hulk Hogan told the Tampa Beach Times that it was "going to be Jimmy Buffett's [Margaritaville] times 10; Hooters times 10".  Basically it will be T.G.I.Friday's with Hulk Hogan memorabilia on the walls.  It's also said to feature "a mechanical shark ride, volleyball courts, fire pits, cabanas and tiki huts."  I sort of would like to go just to see drunken tourists fall off the shark.  I'll stick to the overpriced drinks because I'm assuming the food will be just as bad as what they serve at Guy Fieri's restaurant.  It better be a better place than Pastamania.
  
  From a bald bleach blonde douchbag to a spikey haired bleach blonde douchebag.  My high school English teacher said I was severely poor at transitions in my writing.  The jokes on you Mr. K.  I WRITE ON XANGA!  Guy Fieri is certified gutter trash and it's no wonder that he is now selling pizzas at Sam's Club.  The only good thing he's produced are the negative reviews for his restaurant.  Well his restaurant got negative reviews and now his frozen pizzas are getting negative reviews.  Here they are: "I love chocolate, graham crackers, and marshmallows - in short, I love s'mores... but this was the worst - and I MEAN the WORST dessert ever. Everyone was right - it was soooo spicy. I WILL be bringing this back to Sam's Club for a full refund. It makes me so mad that Guy Fieri would ever allow people to eat something like this - I was sick from it. Did I mention it was spicy?"  "I love chocolate, graham crackers, and marshmallows - in short, I love s'mores... but this was the worst - and I MEAN the WORST dessert ever. Everyone was right - it was soooo spicy. I WILL be bringing this back to Sam's Club for a full refund. It makes me so mad that Guy Fieri would ever allow people to eat something like this - I was sick from it. Did I mention it was spicy?"  "This is the worst thing I have ever bought. There was something very hot in it that burned our tongue and throat. We had to throw it away and I don't know what to do with the other one as they come 2 in a pack. Would never buy this again and would never recommend it to anyone!"  "My son thought this would be a great substitute for his birthday cake because he loves smores and pizza. Well, no where on the box does it say the smores pizza is loaded with Cayenne and chili peppers. We like spicy, but not on smores! This is disgusting! What a disappointment! Thank God for Sam's product guarantee... This is definitely going back for a refund!" "We purchased this product because it looked delicious on the box and had Guy Fieri's name on it. I can't believe he would put his name on this awful stuff!"  Spicy, vomit-inducing, life-ruining and makes you want to stick your tongue on a block of dry ice to stop the grossness from burning into your tongue?  Yeah that pretty much sums up Guy Fieri.  Cayenne pepper on S'mores?  I'm getting sick.  I wonder what it will take to make him and Food Network stop.
  
  Crystal Harris and Hugh Hefner tied the knot.  He's 86 and she's 26.  That sort of gives me hope that one day I'd be able to find someone but I doubt I'll live to be that old.  I probably should start my porn empire.  It is the year of living recklessly.  OFF TO TUMBLR!
  
  Hayley Williams of the band Paramore turned 24 this week.  Remember when "she" was on Xanga?  Yeah, that was pretty awesome. 
  
  Even though Demi Moore is richer than Ashton Kutcher, she is delaying the divorce process because she wants a large sum of money.  In our Ramen, store brand bread, and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer world, Ashton Kutcher is wealthy but when you look at Demi Moore's networth you really can't say "get that cash".  It's like Donald Trump rolling the valets at his casino for their $75 in tips every day.  She wants a fat one (I hope some girls out there want a fat guy) like the one she got from Bruce Willis and even though she's loaded in more ways than one she will not walk away without getting that cash.  She needs to buy Red Bull and whippets.  I'm tired of feeling embarrassed for Demi.  Just slash his tires and move on.
  
  Danica McKellar turned 38 this week.  Oh Winnie Cooper, I still love you and I've always had a special place for you in my stone cold heart after you dumped that jerk in the Jets coat.  Bonus points if you get that.
  
  Christina Hendricks was interviewed by The Daily Mail and she claims that when she started modeling she was a blonde and when she was asked to dye her hair red they said she was ugly: "When I first started modelling I was blonde. Then I got a job and they wanted to do my hair bright red. I'd always wanted to, but the head of my agency was like, 'You look terrible, it's so ugly, you cannot have red hair.'  I came back as a redhead and couldn't get my hair back to blonde for two days - in the meantime I had to audition.  I booked two or three jobs, because were a lot fewer redheads than blondes, and I was like, this is working for me, I'm keeping this!"  I have to say the red suits her but, Christina, let's be honest here, no one, and I repeat NO ONE, is looking at your hair.
  
  Just when I started to think Charlie Sheen had turned over a new leaf by bailing out down on their luck actresses/prostitutes and donating money to kids with cancer and staying sober for his new TV show which just did the insane thing and asked the company to produce 90 more episodes so they can rush it into syndication, Charlie Sheen shit on all of that.  He has opened a bar in Cabo and it's called Sheenz.  That's not even the worst.  At the grand opening, he was onstage in the bar and yells at the crowd, "How we doing? Lying bunch of faggot asssholes, how we doing?"  He immediately apologized for the slur and said he was not trying to offend and that he meant to say "maggots" but he has a lisp.  I think he had a lisp of the brain.  He should stop making appearances that aren't pre-taped. 
  
  Britney Spears is probably going to be fired from The X Factor because she wasn't crazy enough for TV.  What a grand country in which we live!  An insider with the show says that she, along with other judge Demi Lovato, will be fired.  The insider said, "Producers wanted her for the long haul, but it isn't working.  They paid all that for her to say 'amazing' and offer half-claps.  He (Simon Cowell) wanted crazy Britney, but he got boring Britney."  Much like The Voice and American Idol, The X Factor isn't about the people on the stage.  It's just an excuse for networks to parade America's great reservoir of idiots and narcissists on stage so the hosts can pick on the low hanging fruit. But as it turns out, the majority of the hosts are fruit already rotting on the ground. Britney Spears judging a singing competition? That's like me judging a competition that tells you which bra or tampon is the most comfortable
  
  Courtney Love and Frances Bean Cobain...no comment necessary
  
  Well Merry Christmas to you Courtney Stodden.  I guess you put the "ho" in "Ho, Ho, Ho".  You can use that one at home in the home version GodfatherofGreenBay Celebrity Round Up boardgame.  In an article on Huffington Post, Courtney's mom waxes about how Courtney is here for the long haul: "Courtney is the new Anna Nicole Smith, without the drugs. Everyone wants to be like Marilyn Monroe, but with Courtney the beauty comes from within -- like Pam Anderson and Farrah Fawcett."  Marilyn Monroe?  No.  Jenna Jameson...maybe.  And if she's like Pam Anderson she better start looking for a good camera to capture that homemade sextape.  She goes on: "It won't be 15 minutes of fame because it's an evergreen story. Courtney is so intriguing; she’s almost an addiction for people. Her light shines. When she walks into an event, it's incredible, as her mom and manager, to watch the reaction from people. There are so many horrible things we read, but when people meet her in person is so rewarding."  It is kind of hard to ignore a girl who always looks spaced on on pain medicine and is married to a guy 30+ years older than her with her breasts practically falling out of everything she wears.  Courtney's mom continues: "She’s a victim of her own beauty. We need to understand all kinds of discrimination. It’s very sad."  This is a classic example of marketing at it's finest.  I can't comment any more because my brain hurts and my eyes are spinning like slot machines.
  
  This was taken from Nickelodeon Magazine many years ago.  Sometimes the jokes write themselves.  So what is Lindsay up to these days besides being sober for New Year's?  She is complaining that the producers of Scary Movie 5 tricked her.  Lindsay claims that they filmed a scene showing her screaming in horror at a scene from Herbie: Fully Loaded but in the preview that came out recently it showed her screaming in terror watching a video of her sashaying out of a courtroom after her probation was revoked.  She claims the producers are getting even with her because of her allegedly trashing her trailer and backing up all the toilets on the set.  I wasn't planning on seeing this movie but now I sort of want to because I'm hoping for more jokes like that.  Lindsay also been quite mad at the IRS but now she should be singing their praises because she got a discount.  They knocked down her bill to $93,000 from the $100,000.  This means that the money Charlie Sheen gave her was enough and she has money leftover to buy scratch-off lottery tickets.  OH wait a second, that was just for her 2009 taxes.  She still owes $133,000 for 2010 and 2011.  I wonder how she'll be able to make that sort of money.  Maybe making "personal appearances" with Asian princes.  Lindsay was in London over New Year's and was spotted at a posh hotel wearing a fancy fur.  This is odd because her bank accounts have been frozen.  How did she afford that and how did she get there?  Well the Sultan of Brunei's son, Prince Haji Abdul Azim, paid Lindsay along with her mother Dina to come to London to celebrate New Year's Eve with him.  This is the same guy who paid Lionel Ritchie $250,000 to sing for him and Pamela Anderson $75,000 to appear for him.  So Lionel Ritchie is worth 2.5 Lindsay Lohans, but Pamela Anderson is worth $25,000 less. Poor Pam. Nothing says "past your prime" like not being considered as attractive or interesting as a drunk, pathologically lying ex-con.  You may laugh at this act of desperation but I applaud it.  Lindsay actually got paid to be Lindsay Lohan, a pathologically lying ex-con.  This should be her new career.  Forget hiring clowns, magicians, and mariachi bands for your birthdays, hire Lindsay.  A coked out court jester is a step up from a clown for sure.
  
  Amanda Bynes posted this photo on Instagram this week.  If Amanda Bynes could drive as well as she uses Instagram then she wouldn't have to worry about any jail time or fines.

  I hope everyone has a great weekend.

  • 12:37 AM
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