Mexican restaurant...72 to 80 ounce margarita...24 ounce margarita...could it have been my birthday?...no...buzz...Walmart...sweating...sleeping on bench...poked by employee...if I was a dinosaur my dinosaur name would be Cunnilingus Rex...go home...XANGA!  Round up!

This is Walton Goggins.  He's new to these posts.  I've enjoyed his work in shows like The Shield and Justified.  He also had a bizarre guest role on Sons of Anarchy this season.  He was recently interviewed in connection with the season premier of Justified.  For some reason the interview turned to pubic hair.  Here's what he had to say: "Can I tell you how much I miss pubic hair? My mom was a bit of a hippie, and I grew up seeing it on her and her sisters. It’s so beautiful, so feminine. To me, if the size of a penis dictates virility, the length of a woman’s pubic hair dictates her femininity. Men don’t even want hair on their bodies anymore. What’s going on? We’re animals, man! It’s really fuckking weird."  You know, I understand what he's talking about.  It's weird seeing everyone so bare.  I can't remember what show it was on, The Sopranos I think, where a character was in prison for some time.  He was shocked to watch a porn upon release and to see no pubic hair and he said it made him feel like a pedophile.  Other celebrities have voiced their concern.  Janneane Garafalo considers it to be an epidemic and Daniel Radcliffe has also said no hair is really weird.  To each their own I guess but his mom and aunts?  That's weird to me.  Maybe I should do a homework assignment asking people their opinion on pubic hair.  And no one would answer.

The Hollywood Reporter got their hands on a book about Scientology and in it there is a section about Tom Cruise's relationship with the head of the church, David Miscavige.  All I learned from reading the snippet is that Tom and David are in the most awkward of 69s.  Tom has his head up David's ass and David has his head up Tom's ass and they are also very delusional.  I also learned that David has staff polish all the lightbulbs in his mansion once a month, spends $20,000 a week on food, and thinks that he and Tom are the two biggest beings on the planet.  David also brags that Tom modeled his character in A Few Good Men after him.  David also encouraged Tom to divorce Nicole Kidman because he thought she was causing Tom to drift away from Scientology.  David also played along with Tom's desires to make the marriage last so David asked Tom what he could do for them.  Tom said he and Nicole always wanted to run through a field of wildflowers.  David made lower tier members of Scientology plant a field of flowers at the church's desert compound.  The field wasn't to David's liking so he ordered them to pick every flower, plow the field, and then sod it with grass.  This is a church.  The funniest parts deal with politics.  Tom Cruise was trying to get Prime Minister Tony Blair to declare Scientology a tax-deductible organization in Great Britain and he went to then President Clinton to help him but Clinton brushed him off.  I bet he would've listened if Tom was a chubby girl with big boobs.  I'd listen.  Then when President Bush was touting his No Child Left Behind policy, Tom Cruise was trying to get the president to add some of Scientology's teaching methods into the plan.  Well he didn't, thank Xenu, but an insider said that on the plane ride home David and Tom had a funny conversation.  David said, "Bush may be an idiot, but I wouldn't mind his being our Constantine."  Tom replied, "If fucking Arnold can be governor, I could be president."  David replied, "Well, absolutely, Tom."  You know all those people who said in this last election "if _____ wins, I'm moving to Canada"?  Well if Tom Cruise ever becomes president, I'm moving to another planet.  The only good thing about a Cruise presidency would be more action movies, more space exploration, and no sales taxes on lifts for men's shoes and lube.

And so it begins!  The Daily Mail is claiming that Taylor Swift and Harry Styles broke up after a fight during their New year's vacation.  Taylor ended their vacation early and flew back to the States while Harry stayed in the British Virgin Isles partying it up.  Taylor, have a seat. Let's rap for a minute. You have some serious boy problems. Namely, you are a grown woman who dates boys. We have a name for that. Also a felony charge. Then there are the rumors you have bearded for some gay celebrities in the past. This is just getting sad. You make about a bazillion dollars a year; maybe think of using some of that to see a really good shrink.  Apparently she has been tweeting lyrics to a song she's written about Harry.  This will not end well but then I'm sure by the time I hit the save changes button, Taylor will have scheduled a photo-op in an apple orchard with her newest underage piece of man.  Maybe she should date Justin Bieber so the Bieliebers can stop cutting themselves and stick pins in a Taylor Swift voodoo doll.  Radar Online is reporting that the reason they broke up is that Harry Styles was upset with her asexual ways.  Sources say that Taylor is concerned that the public will think she's a whore if she puts out.  Come on, I can't believe that.  She's dated so many guys and only dates them for a month or two at a time.  That's so weird.  She's not understanding that guys are dumping her because of her prudish demeanor.  If she's so concerned then maybe she shouldn't date guys for five minutes.  Maybe she should just be single instead of having to have a guy with her at all times.  Maybe she should stick with one guy that she feels comfortable doing the hibbity-dibbity with.  We usually exchange wedding rings for occasions like that.  If I was an 18 year old heartthrob I'd be looking for more in a relationship than spooning and watching chick flicks.  Another source claimed that Harry would want to go out to nightclubs and have fun outside the house but all Taylor wanted to do was sit at home and watch chick flicks or talk about antiques.  Is she secretly an old lady?  Oh, to have Taylor's problems. Taylor picks up a young piece, moves in next door to him, gets dumped for not putting out, writes a #1 song about it and then picks up another young piece to start the cycle all over again.  I get dumped and rejected all the time and I have no #1 song to show for it.  Jack Osbourne's wife, Lisa, chimed in on the break-up via Twitter: "I usually find out when Taylor Swift breaks up with someone before I even knew they were dating.  That's how fast these things happen"  "Either Taylor Swift is bat shit crazy & causes every guy to dump her, or she has too high standards for these poor guys!  droppin' like flies"  She later removed the tweets and said she loved Taylor.  I don't know which is worse, reading Lisa Osbourne's tweets or paying attention to Taylor Swift's dating career.

Is anyone shocked that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson didn't get nominated for any Academy Awards?  No?  OK.  Well this couple has had quite the year and Kristen is doing anything to please Robert after she cheated on him multiple times.  Sources have spotted them at a store in Hollywood called The Pleasure Chest where they routinely buy props and costumes.  Other sources claim that they also use blindfolds, handcuffs, and feathers.  Hey do you know what the difference between kinky and perverted is?  Kinky uses feathers, perverted uses the whole chicken.  Then someone else is claiming that the couple is having sex seven times a day.  Seven times?  Well that explains why they always look so pale and never smile.  They're in pain from all the hibbity-dibbity.  I once had a friend who bragged about having sex 10 times in one day.  His girlfriend said that it was awful.  So here we have to say, quantity isn't always quality.  Oh I'm just saying that because I'm alone.

Canada's freshest tulip, Pamela Anderson, was voted off the British reality show Dancing on Ice this week.  She was the first contestant voted off the show.  Apparently one of the reasons why she was voted off was because her breasts fell out of her costume during her routine.  This is a show where Heather Mills' leg fell off and she was subsequently voted off.  So let's recap...in 1998 Pamela Anderson is in a sex tape and it becomes the highest selling pornographic movie of all time because people can't get enough of her breasts also in the 90s people are tuning in to Baywatch to see her breasts bounce around in a swimsuit.  Now it's 2013 and her breasts fall out of her costume and she's voted out of a contest.  It sure is funny how time changes things.  Speaking of Baywatch, Pamela was approached to be in a new Baywatch movie but she expressed she wasn't interested.  She said she doesn't like how they turn classic TV shows into movies and she isn't interested in playing someone's mother.  Classic is bit of a stretch, is it not?  She owes millions of dollars to the IRS and she's worried about the artistic integrity of a Baywatch movie?  Am I on LSD?  I wouldn't be surprised if Pam had a complete psychotic breakdown and thought she was in a meeting with studio execs, but was actually just screaming jibberish into the drive thru mic at a Burger King. Pam hasn't had a good time of it ever since she came out against KFC.  Anyone who bashes the Colonel and his secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices is not alright in my book.

Nick Nolte attended the premier of Gangster Squad wearing this ensemble.  I think that's just a bathrobe.  I don't think he's trying any more.

Lindsay Lohan was evicted from her $8000 a month Beverly Hills house this week.  The news was slipped by a real estate agent who is now trying to sell the house.  OK, just so I have my facts straight, a chronically-unemployed narcissist who's hopelessly addicted to coke, or booze, or crystal meth -- or whatever the hell else keeps her from getting the shakes -- got herself kicked out of a house because of non payment of rent? Yeah, not really a surprise.  Lindsay is also now being accused of stealing a bracelet that once belonged to Elizabeth Taylor.  Liz's longtime nurse befriended Lindsay on the set of the movie and invited her over to her apartment to show Lindsay a bracelet that Elizabeth once owned.  Right after Lindsay left the nurse realized the bracelet had been stolen.  The nurse called Lindsay who claimed she had no clue what she was talking about and didn't have the bracelet.  Once the nurse brought up calling the police, Lindsay said she might know where it is.  One of Lindsay's crew eventually returned the bracelet.  The nurse made two mistakes.  First, she befriended Lindsay and, second, she invited Lindsay to her home.  That's just begging for something to be stolen.  Lindsay also supposedly took the bracelet to the jeweler to him produce a fake replica.  She bragged to friends that she was going to give the fake back to the nurse and keep the real one but when the nurse mentioned the cops that plan was thwarted.   Lindsay's a kleptomaniac, pure and simple. It all started in 1998 when she stole our hearts with her performance in The Parent Trap, and that eventually progressed to her stealing meth off a junkie she found passed out in a truck stop bathroom right outside Bakersfield.  Another story has surfaced that Lindsay was filmed for a Bravo show called Million Dollar Decorators.  They were going to decorate her house for free but then she kept the furniture but refused to allow them to film the reveal.  They gave her $250,000 worth of furniture.  Bravo couldn't get any of the furniture back because she moved it to an unknown storage unit.  Seriously, we need to start referring to Lindsay not as an actress but as a criminal mastermind.  I was going to write about an article about Lindsay's behavior that got her fired from the movie The Canyons but I'll save that for next week.

Liam Neeson was interviewed by The Catholic Herald this week.  In the article he talks about how difficult it is raising teenage boys in this society because society is filled with a bunch of sex crazed people and the media keeps rubbing sex in our faces and all this has taken away the mystery and specialness of sex.  Here's a quote: "I’d hate to be a kid now, because we’re all inundated with so much information about sexuality coming at us from everywhere – the media, the advertising billboards, just everywhere – and it must be so confusing for them. There’s a problem that, if you become over-familiar with something, it moves from the sacred to almost the profane. The act is very, very special, you know. It’s full of mystery and wonder, and I’d hate us all to get to the stage where we just treat it lightly, because it deserves more than that … but times have changed since I was young, no doubt about it."  Yes, society is filled with a bunch of sex hungry fiends and the media is rubbing genitals in our faces.  I can't even watch a football game without the announcers talking about how beautiful a dame is or them catching the cheerleaders jumping up and down and I don't need to mention beer and boner pill commercials.  But for Liam to be complaining is something else since he is a notorious poon hound.  In fact Janice Dickinson once quipped that Liam is packing a dick the size of an Evian bottle.  I have always maintained that the people who want to censor sex and complain about how evil it is portrayed in the media are some of the biggest pervs in private.  The thing with all that the media does portray in my mind is fake and a society inundated with all that fakery is just boring.

I think I'm going to have to start referring to Kate Winslet by her new married name...RocknRoll.  Kate RocknRoll and her husband Ned got the best wedding gift anyone could get.  Ned's uncle is billionaire Richard Branson.  He gave them each tickets to fly on the Virgin Galactic flight, a flight that leaves Earth's atmosphere.  Each ticket costs $200,000.  Ned works for Virgin Galactic and the flights will begin sometime this year.  Over 500 people have bought the tickets for flights.  Some of those people include Russell Brand, Stephen Hawking, and Ashton Kutcher.  The flights last about 2 hours and go 60 miles above Earth.  This is such a cool wedding present.  The only thing that would be cooler is getting a lap dance from Olivia Munn at my wedding. 

Jennifer Love Hewitt has dated like 90% of the men on this planet so now she's turning to space exploration to find more males on another planet for dating purposes.  Either that or she's trying to win the heart of recently divorced Buzz Aldrin.

As a fat guy, I don't know shit about fitness but I do know that what Hilary Duff is doing here is fantastic.  That's like the most difficult way to do a 69.

David Bowie turned 66 this week.  He did something that I've never quite understood.  When I was in grade school, whenever it was someone's birthday, the birthday person always passed out treats.  Shouldn't the birthday person be the one getting treats from everyone?  Well David gave us all a treat.  He released a new single titled "Where are We Now".  His new album titled "The Next Day" will be released on March 12.  I am thrilled.

Crystal Harris, 26 years old, wed pornographer Hugh Hefner, 86 years old, a few weeks ago.  Well Crystal announced that they want to have children.  Do you realize Hugh Hefner was born two years BEFORE bubble gum was invented in 1928?  Hef is insisting he's still man enough for the job, telling family and friends at the wedding he's still up for it. He wants to show the world that age shouldn't stop you doing anything.  Hey do you feel that on the back of your neck?  Those aren't ants, that's your skin crawling to the image of Hugh Hefner whipping out his withered beef jerky for his gold digging future baby momma.  Do you really think all the Viagra in the world could help him get it up and then how would he deliver a load?  She'd probably have better luck sitting on a toilet seat at a Playboy mansion orgy.  In unrelated news, Viagra stock rose 800% this week.

Cindy Crawford was recently photographed.  She still has it all these years later.  I remember when I was a freshman in high school having a contraband Playboy in my dorm and it had Cindy Crawford.  That would be 20 years ago this fall.  Holy shit I'm old.

Christina Hendricks is now modeling jewelery.  I don't get why she displays so much cleavage for a necklace but hey, that's swell...just like something is starting to do on my body.

This is Georgia Jones.  She is Charlie Sheen's new girlfriend.  She is a nominated actress.  Her last nomination was for Best All Girl Three Way in 2011.  Oh did I mention she was a porn star?  She is a porn star...go figure.  Is this really news anymore?  Of course Charlie Sheen dates porn stars.  He's Charlie Sheen and not Jonathon Lipnicki or Ryan Gosling or @GodfatherofGreenBay or whoever it is you girls find to be a handsome and wholesome male.  I think he has a death wish since he insists on sticking his dick into anything that winks at him.  Let's just do what we've been doing for the last couple of years and continue to take bets on when and how Charlie will be dead.  I still think he'll die in a skiing accident right after he finishes filming all 90 new episodes of Anger Management.  Did I mention he'd be skiing on a mountain of cocaine?  Sadly, the only real bet where you can still lay down good odds is whether Charlie will be found in a pool of his own waste before or after Lindsay Lohan is found in a pool of her own waste.

This is an ad CBS has been using to advertise the Super Bowl.  Apparently some Christian groups say this is an attack on Christianity and it's mocking them.  Conservative web publication World Net Daily is accusing CBS of "pushing a gay agenda" and "mocking Christians" with its new Super Bowl ad, which features the openly gay Neil Patrick Harris wearing eyeblack in which is written the dates of the game.  And it all deals with Tim Tebow.  I hate Tim Tebow so does that mean I'm mocking Christianity.  Apparently Tim Tebow would write Bible passages on his eyeblack and apparently this is a mockery to their religion.  Come on, I'm Christian and I don't see what this has to do with the gay agenda.  There are so many other players who wear eyeblack and they post messages on them  Why does the world have to revolve around Tim Tebow?  Reggie Bush routinely put his zip code and area code on his eyeblack.  Maybe CBS is mocking the notion of zip codes and they're calling them obsolete.  I think Christians like to complain just for the sake of complaining.  Nut up and shut up.  Remember when Jesus said, "They're going to hate you because of me"?  Well if this is part of that hatred then so be it.  He also said something about turning the other cheek.  Quit being whiny little runts and go about your lives.  According to Christ this is SUPPOSED to happen.  Where was this World Net Daily when the player for the Toronto Blue Jays wrote homosexual slurs on his eyeblack?  They should've voiced their concern since Jesus also taught us to love our neighbors and our enemies and I think homosexuals would fall into one of those categories depending on your outlook in Christianity.

TMZ is reporting that after one season of saying the same 15 words over and over again, and I think I'm being generous with 15, Britney Spears has QUIT The X-Factor.  There was a rumor last week that said FOX was going to fire her because she added nothing to the show and they were paying her beaucoup bucks.  They gave her $15million to judge people who were better singers.  Apparently Britney's camp is saying that she's working on a new album and wants to focus on her music.  FOX hoped that hiring Britney would make people care.  It didn't and ratings were actually lower this year.  They should probably hire Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer, or me.  I'd work for much less than $15million and I probably could judge music better since I took classes on how to teach music.  Yeah I have nothing.

Oh sweet lordie...Beyonce is hot.  I never really understood the fascination with her but then I saw them thighs.  Wowza.  Did I just type "wowza"?  Anyway Beyonce is set to perform at President Obama's inauguration.  She's set to sing the national anthem which I'm surprised isn't "Single Ladies".  She sang at the Inauguration Ball in 2009 so now she is going to be in the big time.  Kelly Clarkson is set to sing "My Country tis of Thee" and James Taylor will sing "America the Beautiful".  The line-up should feature the current flavors of the month.  Rebecca Black should sing the autotuned national anthem.  Taylor Swift and her exes(Harry Styles,   Joe Jonas, Chord Overstreet, John Mayer, Conor Kennedy, Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Lautner) should sing "My Country tis of Thee" since it seems like she's dated every guy in America at some point and now she's trying English boys.  And finally Honey Boo Boo should sing " 'Murica the Beautimounus Pageant".  Obama can have his biggest fan girl Beyonce sing jsut as long as I don't have to pay for it and if I do I better get some nude pics.  That should be a caveat of all tax hikes.  We get nude pics of whomever we want.  This photo was from a spread in GQ.  As always, Beyonce kept it humble during the interview and said that as far as she knows she's the hardest-working human in the music industry and she's earned her place as the queen of everything. Beyonce ended the interview by saying this: "I now know that, yes, I am powerful. I'm more powerful than my mind can even digest and understand."  HAHAHA that quote is so powerful that my mind can't even digest it.

we should be thankful that Al Roker has absolutely no filter when it comes to talking about gross details of his life.  I think he gave us the story of 2013.  About a month after he had his gastric bypass surgery, Al was working at an event at the White House.  He said he felt the urge to fart so he decided to let it flow and that the evidence would be destroyed by simply walking away.  Well his little fart turned out to be a big wet shart.  He then went to the bathroom, discarded his panties, and went commando for the rest of the night.  Here's the video.  I think Dateline NBC deserves the Pulitzer Prize and the Peabody Award.  Oh well, shit happens. 

I hope everyone has a good weekend and that you don't poop your pants.