I'm going to share some of these if you don't mind but be warned, for the most part they are of an adult nature.  Also the haikus make no sense for the most part or are copied comments I gave people that happened to be haikus.

I refuse to have turkey or stuffing.
I will boycott this meal; I’m not bluffing.
For my Thanksgiving treat,
There’s just one thing I’ll eat:
I will savor your sweet muffin.

Those words mean a lot
Coming from a poetic
genius like you

I only just try
Suppose I could do better
What would be the point

Baby offered her beautiful bum,
Yelped with joy when I stuck in my thumb.
My big dick deep inside her,
Ecstasy I’d provide her
So intense she cannot help but come.

Don't get minesweeper
Click and click and click some more
Photo makes me laugh

I should establish
From where I can sit and write
Haikus all day long

Christina’s date was a banker named Paul.
When they fuck, he can’t last long at all.
One time he started to pulled out,
And so she started to shout,
Christina penalized him for early withdrawal.

Smiley Face Killer
Steals the smiles of young men
All over the state

Every day it gets
So much harder to write them
Sex is on my mind

Wish I was with you now - right this minute.
An excuse to leave work: how to spin it?
My objective of this is,
To give your pussy wet kisses.
Then to slide my ecstatic cock in it.

Xanga is better
Even with drama, no one
is that moronic

Sitting down to eat
This is why I need a wife
Cunnilingus...YES!

This guy loved hisgirlfriend, named Helen.
He spoke fondly as his dick was swellin’.
But Jenny knelt at his feet…
Found his penis quite sweet.
Turns out Helen’s a ripe watermelon!

Brats, beer, and some cheese
Make me so happy and so
Sleepy...nap nap nap

Supple bouncy breasts
Female jumping jack contest
Godfather sponsored

I took my girlfriend to see Valparaiso.
For the trip she had just one proviso:
Every day we’re in Chile,
She got to play with my willie.
Being with her makes my spirits rise so.

Trust me on that one
I walked in on so many
Masturbating guys

Oatmeal for breakfast
Chili and grilled cheese for lunch
No sense is made here

Every time that my zipper unzips,
I can’t help but think of your luscious and lustful lips
Then I can’t zip it closed
My dick is hard and exposed
Which causes multiple rude men’s room quips

Hitler and Stalin
Could've been quite the tag team
Schizophrenia

Thank you very much
Comment earns you a haiku
It's now your haiku

You sat on my face by the fire
Licking you is my favorite desire
As my tongue probes inside
First you gasped and then you cried
Your joy sounds like an angel choir

Thanks very much, sir
I don't make much sense at all
Rustle my jimmies

I rock your world, eh?
Shouldn't we get married first?
The Sixth Commandment

It kicked ass.

Best restaurant ever!

Wow, that is one big girl to be using the Eiffel Tower as her love aid.

After he was fired by Santa, Biltzen did a lot of interesting things to make money.


Oh Bill, you so crazy!

Most brides throw out the bouquet when they get married.  Guess what Kim Kardashian made Kris Humphries throw out when they got married.

I wonder why no one proofreads any more.

You know it's time to shave when the bush sits up, smiles, and waves at the camera.

I'm trying to figure out which is a girl's best friend.

I have no comment.

I am so tired lately.  I'm totally dragging ass.

The Packers defense was as anemic as my blood.  I love using that analogy because it's so true.  My blood sucks.  You know what doesn't suck...#caturday

I hope everyone is having a great weekend.  My afternoon and evening stunk because I lost both games but winning at roulette at the casino made up for all the loses I incurred in the football games.  Hopefully tomorrow goes my way.  Also if you haven't read it yet, here's this week's Celebrity Round Up.

Mexican restaurant...72 to 80 ounce margarita...24 ounce margarita...could it have been my birthday?...no...buzz...Walmart...sweating...sleeping on bench...poked by employee...if I was a dinosaur my dinosaur name would be Cunnilingus Rex...go home...XANGA!  Round up!

This is Walton Goggins.  He's new to these posts.  I've enjoyed his work in shows like The Shield and Justified.  He also had a bizarre guest role on Sons of Anarchy this season.  He was recently interviewed in connection with the season premier of Justified.  For some reason the interview turned to pubic hair.  Here's what he had to say: "Can I tell you how much I miss pubic hair? My mom was a bit of a hippie, and I grew up seeing it on her and her sisters. It’s so beautiful, so feminine. To me, if the size of a penis dictates virility, the length of a woman’s pubic hair dictates her femininity. Men don’t even want hair on their bodies anymore. What’s going on? We’re animals, man! It’s really fuckking weird."  You know, I understand what he's talking about.  It's weird seeing everyone so bare.  I can't remember what show it was on, The Sopranos I think, where a character was in prison for some time.  He was shocked to watch a porn upon release and to see no pubic hair and he said it made him feel like a pedophile.  Other celebrities have voiced their concern.  Janneane Garafalo considers it to be an epidemic and Daniel Radcliffe has also said no hair is really weird.  To each their own I guess but his mom and aunts?  That's weird to me.  Maybe I should do a homework assignment asking people their opinion on pubic hair.  And no one would answer.

The Hollywood Reporter got their hands on a book about Scientology and in it there is a section about Tom Cruise's relationship with the head of the church, David Miscavige.  All I learned from reading the snippet is that Tom and David are in the most awkward of 69s.  Tom has his head up David's ass and David has his head up Tom's ass and they are also very delusional.  I also learned that David has staff polish all the lightbulbs in his mansion once a month, spends $20,000 a week on food, and thinks that he and Tom are the two biggest beings on the planet.  David also brags that Tom modeled his character in A Few Good Men after him.  David also encouraged Tom to divorce Nicole Kidman because he thought she was causing Tom to drift away from Scientology.  David also played along with Tom's desires to make the marriage last so David asked Tom what he could do for them.  Tom said he and Nicole always wanted to run through a field of wildflowers.  David made lower tier members of Scientology plant a field of flowers at the church's desert compound.  The field wasn't to David's liking so he ordered them to pick every flower, plow the field, and then sod it with grass.  This is a church.  The funniest parts deal with politics.  Tom Cruise was trying to get Prime Minister Tony Blair to declare Scientology a tax-deductible organization in Great Britain and he went to then President Clinton to help him but Clinton brushed him off.  I bet he would've listened if Tom was a chubby girl with big boobs.  I'd listen.  Then when President Bush was touting his No Child Left Behind policy, Tom Cruise was trying to get the president to add some of Scientology's teaching methods into the plan.  Well he didn't, thank Xenu, but an insider said that on the plane ride home David and Tom had a funny conversation.  David said, "Bush may be an idiot, but I wouldn't mind his being our Constantine."  Tom replied, "If fucking Arnold can be governor, I could be president."  David replied, "Well, absolutely, Tom."  You know all those people who said in this last election "if _____ wins, I'm moving to Canada"?  Well if Tom Cruise ever becomes president, I'm moving to another planet.  The only good thing about a Cruise presidency would be more action movies, more space exploration, and no sales taxes on lifts for men's shoes and lube.

And so it begins!  The Daily Mail is claiming that Taylor Swift and Harry Styles broke up after a fight during their New year's vacation.  Taylor ended their vacation early and flew back to the States while Harry stayed in the British Virgin Isles partying it up.  Taylor, have a seat. Let's rap for a minute. You have some serious boy problems. Namely, you are a grown woman who dates boys. We have a name for that. Also a felony charge. Then there are the rumors you have bearded for some gay celebrities in the past. This is just getting sad. You make about a bazillion dollars a year; maybe think of using some of that to see a really good shrink.  Apparently she has been tweeting lyrics to a song she's written about Harry.  This will not end well but then I'm sure by the time I hit the save changes button, Taylor will have scheduled a photo-op in an apple orchard with her newest underage piece of man.  Maybe she should date Justin Bieber so the Bieliebers can stop cutting themselves and stick pins in a Taylor Swift voodoo doll.  Radar Online is reporting that the reason they broke up is that Harry Styles was upset with her asexual ways.  Sources say that Taylor is concerned that the public will think she's a whore if she puts out.  Come on, I can't believe that.  She's dated so many guys and only dates them for a month or two at a time.  That's so weird.  She's not understanding that guys are dumping her because of her prudish demeanor.  If she's so concerned then maybe she shouldn't date guys for five minutes.  Maybe she should just be single instead of having to have a guy with her at all times.  Maybe she should stick with one guy that she feels comfortable doing the hibbity-dibbity with.  We usually exchange wedding rings for occasions like that.  If I was an 18 year old heartthrob I'd be looking for more in a relationship than spooning and watching chick flicks.  Another source claimed that Harry would want to go out to nightclubs and have fun outside the house but all Taylor wanted to do was sit at home and watch chick flicks or talk about antiques.  Is she secretly an old lady?  Oh, to have Taylor's problems. Taylor picks up a young piece, moves in next door to him, gets dumped for not putting out, writes a #1 song about it and then picks up another young piece to start the cycle all over again.  I get dumped and rejected all the time and I have no #1 song to show for it.  Jack Osbourne's wife, Lisa, chimed in on the break-up via Twitter: "I usually find out when Taylor Swift breaks up with someone before I even knew they were dating.  That's how fast these things happen"  "Either Taylor Swift is bat shit crazy & causes every guy to dump her, or she has too high standards for these poor guys!  droppin' like flies"  She later removed the tweets and said she loved Taylor.  I don't know which is worse, reading Lisa Osbourne's tweets or paying attention to Taylor Swift's dating career.

Is anyone shocked that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson didn't get nominated for any Academy Awards?  No?  OK.  Well this couple has had quite the year and Kristen is doing anything to please Robert after she cheated on him multiple times.  Sources have spotted them at a store in Hollywood called The Pleasure Chest where they routinely buy props and costumes.  Other sources claim that they also use blindfolds, handcuffs, and feathers.  Hey do you know what the difference between kinky and perverted is?  Kinky uses feathers, perverted uses the whole chicken.  Then someone else is claiming that the couple is having sex seven times a day.  Seven times?  Well that explains why they always look so pale and never smile.  They're in pain from all the hibbity-dibbity.  I once had a friend who bragged about having sex 10 times in one day.  His girlfriend said that it was awful.  So here we have to say, quantity isn't always quality.  Oh I'm just saying that because I'm alone.

Canada's freshest tulip, Pamela Anderson, was voted off the British reality show Dancing on Ice this week.  She was the first contestant voted off the show.  Apparently one of the reasons why she was voted off was because her breasts fell out of her costume during her routine.  This is a show where Heather Mills' leg fell off and she was subsequently voted off.  So let's recap...in 1998 Pamela Anderson is in a sex tape and it becomes the highest selling pornographic movie of all time because people can't get enough of her breasts also in the 90s people are tuning in to Baywatch to see her breasts bounce around in a swimsuit.  Now it's 2013 and her breasts fall out of her costume and she's voted out of a contest.  It sure is funny how time changes things.  Speaking of Baywatch, Pamela was approached to be in a new Baywatch movie but she expressed she wasn't interested.  She said she doesn't like how they turn classic TV shows into movies and she isn't interested in playing someone's mother.  Classic is bit of a stretch, is it not?  She owes millions of dollars to the IRS and she's worried about the artistic integrity of a Baywatch movie?  Am I on LSD?  I wouldn't be surprised if Pam had a complete psychotic breakdown and thought she was in a meeting with studio execs, but was actually just screaming jibberish into the drive thru mic at a Burger King. Pam hasn't had a good time of it ever since she came out against KFC.  Anyone who bashes the Colonel and his secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices is not alright in my book.

Nick Nolte attended the premier of Gangster Squad wearing this ensemble.  I think that's just a bathrobe.  I don't think he's trying any more.

Lindsay Lohan was evicted from her $8000 a month Beverly Hills house this week.  The news was slipped by a real estate agent who is now trying to sell the house.  OK, just so I have my facts straight, a chronically-unemployed narcissist who's hopelessly addicted to coke, or booze, or crystal meth -- or whatever the hell else keeps her from getting the shakes -- got herself kicked out of a house because of non payment of rent? Yeah, not really a surprise.  Lindsay is also now being accused of stealing a bracelet that once belonged to Elizabeth Taylor.  Liz's longtime nurse befriended Lindsay on the set of the movie and invited her over to her apartment to show Lindsay a bracelet that Elizabeth once owned.  Right after Lindsay left the nurse realized the bracelet had been stolen.  The nurse called Lindsay who claimed she had no clue what she was talking about and didn't have the bracelet.  Once the nurse brought up calling the police, Lindsay said she might know where it is.  One of Lindsay's crew eventually returned the bracelet.  The nurse made two mistakes.  First, she befriended Lindsay and, second, she invited Lindsay to her home.  That's just begging for something to be stolen.  Lindsay also supposedly took the bracelet to the jeweler to him produce a fake replica.  She bragged to friends that she was going to give the fake back to the nurse and keep the real one but when the nurse mentioned the cops that plan was thwarted.   Lindsay's a kleptomaniac, pure and simple. It all started in 1998 when she stole our hearts with her performance in The Parent Trap, and that eventually progressed to her stealing meth off a junkie she found passed out in a truck stop bathroom right outside Bakersfield.  Another story has surfaced that Lindsay was filmed for a Bravo show called Million Dollar Decorators.  They were going to decorate her house for free but then she kept the furniture but refused to allow them to film the reveal.  They gave her $250,000 worth of furniture.  Bravo couldn't get any of the furniture back because she moved it to an unknown storage unit.  Seriously, we need to start referring to Lindsay not as an actress but as a criminal mastermind.  I was going to write about an article about Lindsay's behavior that got her fired from the movie The Canyons but I'll save that for next week.

Liam Neeson was interviewed by The Catholic Herald this week.  In the article he talks about how difficult it is raising teenage boys in this society because society is filled with a bunch of sex crazed people and the media keeps rubbing sex in our faces and all this has taken away the mystery and specialness of sex.  Here's a quote: "I’d hate to be a kid now, because we’re all inundated with so much information about sexuality coming at us from everywhere – the media, the advertising billboards, just everywhere – and it must be so confusing for them. There’s a problem that, if you become over-familiar with something, it moves from the sacred to almost the profane. The act is very, very special, you know. It’s full of mystery and wonder, and I’d hate us all to get to the stage where we just treat it lightly, because it deserves more than that … but times have changed since I was young, no doubt about it."  Yes, society is filled with a bunch of sex hungry fiends and the media is rubbing genitals in our faces.  I can't even watch a football game without the announcers talking about how beautiful a dame is or them catching the cheerleaders jumping up and down and I don't need to mention beer and boner pill commercials.  But for Liam to be complaining is something else since he is a notorious poon hound.  In fact Janice Dickinson once quipped that Liam is packing a dick the size of an Evian bottle.  I have always maintained that the people who want to censor sex and complain about how evil it is portrayed in the media are some of the biggest pervs in private.  The thing with all that the media does portray in my mind is fake and a society inundated with all that fakery is just boring.

I think I'm going to have to start referring to Kate Winslet by her new married name...RocknRoll.  Kate RocknRoll and her husband Ned got the best wedding gift anyone could get.  Ned's uncle is billionaire Richard Branson.  He gave them each tickets to fly on the Virgin Galactic flight, a flight that leaves Earth's atmosphere.  Each ticket costs $200,000.  Ned works for Virgin Galactic and the flights will begin sometime this year.  Over 500 people have bought the tickets for flights.  Some of those people include Russell Brand, Stephen Hawking, and Ashton Kutcher.  The flights last about 2 hours and go 60 miles above Earth.  This is such a cool wedding present.  The only thing that would be cooler is getting a lap dance from Olivia Munn at my wedding. 

Jennifer Love Hewitt has dated like 90% of the men on this planet so now she's turning to space exploration to find more males on another planet for dating purposes.  Either that or she's trying to win the heart of recently divorced Buzz Aldrin.

As a fat guy, I don't know shit about fitness but I do know that what Hilary Duff is doing here is fantastic.  That's like the most difficult way to do a 69.

David Bowie turned 66 this week.  He did something that I've never quite understood.  When I was in grade school, whenever it was someone's birthday, the birthday person always passed out treats.  Shouldn't the birthday person be the one getting treats from everyone?  Well David gave us all a treat.  He released a new single titled "Where are We Now".  His new album titled "The Next Day" will be released on March 12.  I am thrilled.

Crystal Harris, 26 years old, wed pornographer Hugh Hefner, 86 years old, a few weeks ago.  Well Crystal announced that they want to have children.  Do you realize Hugh Hefner was born two years BEFORE bubble gum was invented in 1928?  Hef is insisting he's still man enough for the job, telling family and friends at the wedding he's still up for it. He wants to show the world that age shouldn't stop you doing anything.  Hey do you feel that on the back of your neck?  Those aren't ants, that's your skin crawling to the image of Hugh Hefner whipping out his withered beef jerky for his gold digging future baby momma.  Do you really think all the Viagra in the world could help him get it up and then how would he deliver a load?  She'd probably have better luck sitting on a toilet seat at a Playboy mansion orgy.  In unrelated news, Viagra stock rose 800% this week.

Cindy Crawford was recently photographed.  She still has it all these years later.  I remember when I was a freshman in high school having a contraband Playboy in my dorm and it had Cindy Crawford.  That would be 20 years ago this fall.  Holy shit I'm old.

Christina Hendricks is now modeling jewelery.  I don't get why she displays so much cleavage for a necklace but hey, that's swell...just like something is starting to do on my body.

This is Georgia Jones.  She is Charlie Sheen's new girlfriend.  She is a nominated actress.  Her last nomination was for Best All Girl Three Way in 2011.  Oh did I mention she was a porn star?  She is a porn star...go figure.  Is this really news anymore?  Of course Charlie Sheen dates porn stars.  He's Charlie Sheen and not Jonathon Lipnicki or Ryan Gosling or @GodfatherofGreenBay or whoever it is you girls find to be a handsome and wholesome male.  I think he has a death wish since he insists on sticking his dick into anything that winks at him.  Let's just do what we've been doing for the last couple of years and continue to take bets on when and how Charlie will be dead.  I still think he'll die in a skiing accident right after he finishes filming all 90 new episodes of Anger Management.  Did I mention he'd be skiing on a mountain of cocaine?  Sadly, the only real bet where you can still lay down good odds is whether Charlie will be found in a pool of his own waste before or after Lindsay Lohan is found in a pool of her own waste.

This is an ad CBS has been using to advertise the Super Bowl.  Apparently some Christian groups say this is an attack on Christianity and it's mocking them.  Conservative web publication World Net Daily is accusing CBS of "pushing a gay agenda" and "mocking Christians" with its new Super Bowl ad, which features the openly gay Neil Patrick Harris wearing eyeblack in which is written the dates of the game.  And it all deals with Tim Tebow.  I hate Tim Tebow so does that mean I'm mocking Christianity.  Apparently Tim Tebow would write Bible passages on his eyeblack and apparently this is a mockery to their religion.  Come on, I'm Christian and I don't see what this has to do with the gay agenda.  There are so many other players who wear eyeblack and they post messages on them  Why does the world have to revolve around Tim Tebow?  Reggie Bush routinely put his zip code and area code on his eyeblack.  Maybe CBS is mocking the notion of zip codes and they're calling them obsolete.  I think Christians like to complain just for the sake of complaining.  Nut up and shut up.  Remember when Jesus said, "They're going to hate you because of me"?  Well if this is part of that hatred then so be it.  He also said something about turning the other cheek.  Quit being whiny little runts and go about your lives.  According to Christ this is SUPPOSED to happen.  Where was this World Net Daily when the player for the Toronto Blue Jays wrote homosexual slurs on his eyeblack?  They should've voiced their concern since Jesus also taught us to love our neighbors and our enemies and I think homosexuals would fall into one of those categories depending on your outlook in Christianity.

TMZ is reporting that after one season of saying the same 15 words over and over again, and I think I'm being generous with 15, Britney Spears has QUIT The X-Factor.  There was a rumor last week that said FOX was going to fire her because she added nothing to the show and they were paying her beaucoup bucks.  They gave her $15million to judge people who were better singers.  Apparently Britney's camp is saying that she's working on a new album and wants to focus on her music.  FOX hoped that hiring Britney would make people care.  It didn't and ratings were actually lower this year.  They should probably hire Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer, or me.  I'd work for much less than $15million and I probably could judge music better since I took classes on how to teach music.  Yeah I have nothing.

Oh sweet lordie...Beyonce is hot.  I never really understood the fascination with her but then I saw them thighs.  Wowza.  Did I just type "wowza"?  Anyway Beyonce is set to perform at President Obama's inauguration.  She's set to sing the national anthem which I'm surprised isn't "Single Ladies".  She sang at the Inauguration Ball in 2009 so now she is going to be in the big time.  Kelly Clarkson is set to sing "My Country tis of Thee" and James Taylor will sing "America the Beautiful".  The line-up should feature the current flavors of the month.  Rebecca Black should sing the autotuned national anthem.  Taylor Swift and her exes(Harry Styles,   Joe Jonas, Chord Overstreet, John Mayer, Conor Kennedy, Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Lautner) should sing "My Country tis of Thee" since it seems like she's dated every guy in America at some point and now she's trying English boys.  And finally Honey Boo Boo should sing " 'Murica the Beautimounus Pageant".  Obama can have his biggest fan girl Beyonce sing jsut as long as I don't have to pay for it and if I do I better get some nude pics.  That should be a caveat of all tax hikes.  We get nude pics of whomever we want.  This photo was from a spread in GQ.  As always, Beyonce kept it humble during the interview and said that as far as she knows she's the hardest-working human in the music industry and she's earned her place as the queen of everything. Beyonce ended the interview by saying this: "I now know that, yes, I am powerful. I'm more powerful than my mind can even digest and understand."  HAHAHA that quote is so powerful that my mind can't even digest it.

we should be thankful that Al Roker has absolutely no filter when it comes to talking about gross details of his life.  I think he gave us the story of 2013.  About a month after he had his gastric bypass surgery, Al was working at an event at the White House.  He said he felt the urge to fart so he decided to let it flow and that the evidence would be destroyed by simply walking away.  Well his little fart turned out to be a big wet shart.  He then went to the bathroom, discarded his panties, and went commando for the rest of the night.  Here's the video.  I think Dateline NBC deserves the Pulitzer Prize and the Peabody Award.  Oh well, shit happens. 

I hope everyone has a good weekend and that you don't poop your pants.

Hi.

1.  I found this Tumblr today and thought I'd pass it along.  It's called Animals Having Parties.

2.  Remember when I was all over The AV Club's ass last time?  Well nothing much has changed.  Here's the results of their best TV of 2012.  I'm so glad Comedy Bang Bang made the list.  Now if only they put Bunk on that list.  And here's their ballots.

3.  Here is a list of TV shows that The AV Club says we should resolve to watch in 2013.

4.  And finally we have The AV Club's year in SWAG.

5.  Have you ever wanted to write a TV show but never had any ideas what the premise should be?  Well here is the hit TV show generator.  I hope to see you at the Emmy awards one day but I won't be cheering for you to win because all the shows I've written from that generator are bound to be nominated.

6.  The people at RiffTrax(what MST3K became after it went off the air) have compiled a list of the 25 worst movies of all time.  I'm surprised how many I've seen (15) and how many I own.

7.  I hate salmon.  There I said it.  I despise it.  When I was a kid, my parents ate that crap all the time.  I can barely write the word "salmon" without having my stomach turn.  Well I was visiting Food & Wine seeing if they had any reviews of my wine (they don't).  I happened upon this recipe for salmon and my stomach didn't turn and I found myself becoming aroused. 

8.  A few weeks ago I was watching a show about Nazi Germany on the Military Channel and they were playing the German anthem.  I know the modern version and was taken back by some of the lyrics in the version they used then.  Anyway, here are 6 national anthems that will having you shaking in your boots.

9.  Are you a juggalo or juggalette and looking for a place to share your faith with other juggalos and juggalettes?  Well here's Juggalo Faith, a site where fans of the Insane Clown Posse can talk about their faith.

10.  Gosh I feel like I'm turning into Datingish by posting this but here's 50 great date ideas.  Watch, I bet they'll take it.  I think a fun date these days would be to take a girl out to the family farm and shoot some assault rifles.  And you wonder why I'm single.

11.  Have you ever wondered how your favorite classic video game got it's name?  I've always wondered how Pacman, Metroid, and Donkey Kong got their names.  Well this list explains the origins of those and ten others.

12.  I don't science much but I found this list of funny molecule names to be quite funny.

One of these weeks I'm just going to do a NSFW tattoo only edition so stay tuned but here are some other tattoos.

I bet they don't carry that shoe in my size.

Four fried chickens and a Coke. 
And some dry white toast please.

They're not going to catch them because they're on a mission from God.

What do you, the viewers at home, think?  Personally I think that's the best tattoo ever.

Smile, you have a camera tattoo that makes it look like you have really dirty hands.

You may have to save me because my neck is hurting from bending it to try to read your tattoo.

You know the Monkees don't even write their own songs or play their own instruments.  I also hear that Michael Nesmith's hat isn't even his.  The Monkees weren't about music, Marge. They were about rebellion, about political and social upheaval.

Well, shucks, you could've just said so instead of getting a tattoo.

The world's first analrapist tattoo.

Jah bless this tattoo.  I wonder if that guy gets profiled by the police as being a stoner.

Oh poor Kurt...he looks so oddly happy.

Kieffer Sutherland is scary enough.  You don't need to make him a vampire on top of it.

It sort of looks like Dimebag Darrell is looking up at the person and asking, "Why would you get me tattooed on your body?"

You know that joke I had about Rex Ryan...well Rex Ryan having a tattoo of his wife wearing a Mark Sanchez jersey is like Bill Clinton getting a tattoo of Hillary wearing a semen stained blue dress.

So I was watching Amish Mafia tonight and now it's time to go play ps3.

And we're back to the rankings and points system that mean absolutely nothing unless you want them to mean something.

25.  The Baseball Hall of Fame  75pts
The sports writers didn't elect anyone to the hall of fame today.  I somewhat agree with that stance because of all the clouds surround the players that were up for induction.  I think Pete Rose will make the Hall before Barry Bonds.  I just hope they finally elect Jack Morris.

24.  It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia  80pts
It's currently on my TV.  I love this show.  Rock Flag Eagle!  Did you know they are launching a beer?

23.  Working Body Parts  100pts
I always took fully functioning knees for granted.  I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to be better to my limbs.

22.  Starship and Foghat 103pts
they are playing at the nearby casino the weekend of my birthday.  I'm totally going to go mosh with people in their 50s but only if my knees allow me the pleasure

21.  Gifs 112pts
Without them how would Tumblr exist?

20.  Porno Parodies 169pts
Pulp Friction...Lord of the G-Strings...Bi-Tanic...Breast Side Story...Buffy the Vampire Layer...Clockwork Orgy...Edward Penishands...Jurassic Pork...The Poonies...The Penetrator...these are all real titles.  I should really do another porno parodies post for your enjoyment.

19.  Masturbating 222pts
It's really confusing.

18.  Dan Patrick 225pts
I really love listening to his show.  It's just so awesome and so much better than anything ESPN offers.

17.  Django Unchained/Quentin Tarantino 237pts
I haven't seen this movie but with all I've seen of it on Tumblr I'm fairly certain I've seen everything.  I might go see it this weekend.  I'm fairly anxious to view it just because Tarantino is a master of dialogue.  I'm in the theater watching Death Proof and my jaw is hanging open because here's a movie about a guy that kills women with his car and it has some of the best dialogue in any movie I had seen that year.  Now I'm imagining that dialogue coupled with Leonardo DiCaprio...yeah I hope it's good.

16.  Phish 250pts
You don't have to be a stoner to enjoy their music...but it helps.

15.  Posture  275pts
I remember how my teachers always warned us to sit straight up in our desks otherwise we'd be slumped over as adults.  I ran into one of my classmates whom the teachers always nagged about sitting up straight.  She's all slumped over these days.  My gawd...my teachers were telling the truth.

14.  Teachers' Lies 276pts
I attended a Lutheran grade school and part of the curriculum was Bible history.  I don't know how many times from kindergarten through 8th grade I heard the story of Phillip preaching to the Ethiopian eunuch.  Every single time someone asked, "what is a eunuch" and every single time a teacher said, "a high ranking government official".  If having your junk cut off is what it takes to make it in government then I'll be happy being a nobody.  This may explain things in D.C. though.

13.  Magnets 295pts
How the fuck do they work?

12.  Money 750pts
I like money too.  We should totally hang out.  The first person to give the answer to this reference will make next week's power rankings.

11.  American Horror Story: Asylum 969pts
Amirite?  That show is amazing.  I won't give away any spoilers here because I know some of you may watch it but haven't seen recent episodes.  But the last episode, the creator Ryan Murphy, sent a Tweet about there being a clue as to what the next season would be.  My guess is a circus, a funeral home, or a darker version of Glee.  Pepper Pepper bo-bepper, Banana-nana-fo-fepper, Fee-fi-mo-mepper, PEPPER!

10.  The Number 9 999pts
Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9

9.  Assault Rifles 1250pts
I was thinking of buying one but the price tags are a little out of my range.  I mean I don't think I want to shell out $1400 for a gun.  It's amazing how people are buying into the paranoia of banning the weapons.  I was told that recently a large sporting good store featured some sort of sale and there were people lined up for a mile just for the chance to order a gun.

8.  Milk Duds 1300pts
Two of the best things in candy...chocolate and caramel...in one candy, a candy that when eaten outside in a Wisconsin winter will shatter your teeth. 

7.  The lead singer of Smashmouth, Violent J of the Insane Clown Posse, and Guy Fieri 1500pts
Have you ever seen them together in one place?  No.  It's because they are the same person.

6.  Cats 1685pts
I don't know where mine are right now and that is scaring me because I'm afraid that once I leave this room they are going to attack me.

5.  Alex Jones 1776pts
The dude is insane.  Sometimes I don't think he could tell rat shit from Rice Krispies.  He believes that the government is flying planes over us and spraying us with chemicals to keep us in line.  He feeds on paranoia.  Oh and is it any surprise that he and Charlie Sheen are good friends? 

4.  The Green Bay Packers 6000pts
They are America's team.  They are the best team to ever take the football field.  You can't argue these facts and if you try well I won't respond because you're obviously a lummox.

3.  Xanga 6502pts
Thanks for getting rid of chat.  Thank you so much.  Now if you could just bring back the ability to leave blank comments and still get eprops.

2.  Cunnilingus 6969pts
Come on, it's the closet thing to heaven on earth...worshiping at the altar of Venus...spreading the Gospel of St. Likalotapus.  Yeah, I'm a freakshow.

1.  Xanga Erotica Contest  1,000,000pts
Do you have a hankering to write some naughty stuff?  You have one month to submit so get to writing.  Oh and here are the contest details.  Check out that awesome judge.

These aren't my glasses

I'd watch a musical if it involved chips.

I don't know which is funnier, the bear or the box.  Either way, I know what some lucky lady is getting for Valentine's Day.

I doubt there is a photo that is more iconic than this.  The King of Rock and Roll and the most corrupt president in American history...both had their birthdays this week.

Once TLC is done with her, MTV 2 plans on airing episodes of Honey Boo Boo Pimp My Ride

Zero Dark Smurfy

Without gifs and Tumblr how else would I have discovered this gem and then spend the next 10 minutes laughing my head off?

Crazy Uncle Joe...your hand is getting a little high there.  Is it me or does that cop look like W.C. Fields?  Am I expecting too much that Xanga might know W.C. Fields?

Have a great time period.  I'm watching to make sure you leave eprops.

I’ve heard of hate-sex but is there such a thing as hate-masturbation?  Screw it, I’ll just go down this pint of Ben & Jerry’s then go find out.

It’s funny how everyone is making lists of things they accomplished in 2012 and here I am proud that I actually showered before sundown.

I don’t know but this fifth bottle of champagne is turning the slippery slope of sadness into the slip and slide of indifference.

I’m really indecisive…I think.

A kid was sick today at school and his mother came in to pick up homework assignments.  After I handed her what the teacher left, she said, “God there’s a lot of ugly people in this school.  Teachers and students alike.”  That made my 2013.

I wonder what horrible and annoying song will be forced upon us 24/7 in 2013.

I think the reason why I’m single is because I’ve never spent the weekend at a ski resort and sung karaoke with a complete stranger and while we are singing the duet we fall madly in lust and then she gets pregnant after 15 seconds of passion and we then spend the rest of our lives together miserably.

Anyone who is short on cash and in the United Kingdom just take photos of your money because they say the camera adds ten pounds.  God…a currency joke.

I am hoping that I turn ridiculously handsome in 2013.  So far it hasn’t happened but I have a few more days.

I was hearing these kids talk about being bilingual.  One said you can’t be bilingual and that you’re either homolingual or heterolingual and if you call yourself bilingual you’re just confused and going through a phase and that one day you’ll meet one language and settle down so you have to stop being an attention whore now.

I don't get it, everyone is talking about it but "Django And Change" isn't playing anywhere in this town.

I’ve had the idea to start writing erotic sports fiction under the pen name Joe Thighsman or Arnuts Palmher or Dick Buttkiss.

This year I resolve to make everyone happy by wearing pants more often.

This year I also resolve to suck the life out of everything I touch because who needs to be good at things?

I feel the best about myself when I’m composing operas.

Does anyone else find it weird that pirates went from island to island looking for buried treasure when the true treasure was right in front of them in all the wonderful friendships they made aboard the boats?

Good news for Washington D.C. tanning salons, John Boehner was re-elected as speaker of the House.

I think I’m human dubstep. At first everyone loves me and then over time they realize how annoying I am and then they leave me for the human equivalent of rap music.  But it really does freak me out when people realize I’m nothing special.

I wish I could be a rapper because then I could get paid to talk about sex and whine about minor inconveniences and then diss people I don’t like.

As I’m watching the Packers game I realize there are far too many commercials for erectile dysfunction. If this keeps up we’re only a year or two away from a salute to boner pills Super Bowl halftime show.

Congress officially tallied the electoral votes this week.  Karl Rove was seen banging a calculator on a table in the back of the House floor.

If I ever have to poop in public and someone enters the stall next to me, I like to yell out “spoiler alert” to let them know that I would appreciate them warning me about anything that may happen.

I would never smoke marinara.

I always wanted to be a tattoo artist just so I could tattoo random Chinese characters on unsuspecting people.

How come we have Doritos tacos but we don’t have Cheetos macaroni and cheese?

Old joke is old: What do Pablo Picasso and Smurfette have in common?  They both had blue periods.

Pick-up lines destined for failure: “You better have a driver’s license because you’re driving me crazy.”  “There may be plenty of fish in the sea but you’re the only one I’d like to catch and mount back at my place.”  “I’m a trisexual in that I’ll try to have sex with you.”  “How about I slip into something more comfortable like you?”

There was a guy in my high school class named Matt.  Actually there were five of us named Matt and it was hard to keep us apart.  We had one guy we called Laundry Matt.  He really enjoyed washing his clothes at home because both of his parents were killed at a Laundromat.

If pigs taste like bacon then imagine how good attractive people will taste.

They say Latin is a dead language which is probably why no one wants to have sex with it except a few weirdos.

I was arrested pleasuring myself at a theater much like Pee Wee Herman except mine was at a screening of Lincoln.

My girlfriend always has a fresh vagina because I am such a douche.

If mixing up common homonyms is wrong, eye don’t want two bee write.

Just once before I die I would like to see someone trip on a banana peel, or have sex with a woman without having to pay her. Either one is good.

Old habits die hard and so do people who overdose on Cialis.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

If I could afford a pacemaker, I would buy one in a heartbeat, which unfortunately for me, isn’t nearly as fast as it should be.

When I told her that I was DTF, I meant that I was Down To Father her children. However, I will not be having sex with anyone. Test tube babies only!

I have a severe peanut allergy. I am so allergic to peanuts,that if I so much as even catch a glimpse of Charlie Brown, my entire throat swells up.

We live in a world of instant gratification, so why do ladies act so surprised when I prematurely ejaculate?

“It’s a dog eat dog world out there.”  Dog trying to justify cannibalism.

Fact of the week: the sound effects used in porn are taped.  They use recordings of old men eating oatmeal.

Some people say I come off as arrogant but I say they are lucky to hear the sound of my voice and read everything I write.

My dad asked, “Were you cripplingly depressed over the holiday season?”  I told him I was and he answered, “Well just think, Valentine’s and Presidents’ Day is next month and you’re still alone.”

If evolution was real shouldn’t we have evolved to make our tears chocolate syrup by now?

What does it mean if you don’t have a fortune in your fortune cookie?  I think I’m going to die before I get hungry again so in a half hour.

Going to a diner and eating a whole pie is a lot cheaper than therapy.

Kids find it annoying when I hold milk cartons up to their faces to compare.

They don’t call me “Black Mamba” for nothing.  In fact, they don’t call me “Black Mamba” at all.

“I’m going bananas.” -What I tell my bananas when I leave the house.  I always forget to pronounce the comma.

I feel odd when I bring my Never Kink brand hose into the bedroom.

Why does my grocery store call all their banana sales “Ladies Night”?

I don’t ask for much but I wouldn’t mind having everything.

Do people in third world countries understand the phrase, “Bite off more than you can chew”?

They say ketchup makes everything better.  It’s a lie because I dumped a bottle on a Vikings jersey and they still suck.

I don’t remember much of last night but I know it must have been good because I woke up wearing a lobster bib.

Rex Ryan has a tattoo of his wife in a Mark Sanchez jersey which is like Bill Clinton having a tattoo of Hillary in a semen stained blue dress

Most relationships end in break up. Moral: Stay inside.  Alone. Online. Talking to people thousands of miles away that you'll never meet.

I had a hot piece of ass last night.  I’m thankful my meat market sells donkey.

People trolling on Xanga should do something productive with their lives like walking off the side of a bridge.

When I was a kid I used to think that I was a human and everyone else was a robot.  That’s what I think of Xanga sometimes.

Someone said Xanga is a waste of time.  Yes, because meeting awesome people, making new friends, and laughing are horrible things.

Xanga makes me sexually attracted to other people’s brains.

Never ask why you’re on Xanga.  Only communists ask questions, you understand, comrade?

Some people see my Xanga as a collection of awkward jokes.  Others say my Xanga is an extension of my awkward personality.  In other words, I’m all awkward, baby.

8 words will win any argument on Xanga: “I know you are, but what am I?”

I enjoy Xanga because I can post something about being in a relationship with a shoebox and no one will judge me because you already think I’m insane.

Xanga is pretty cool because no matter what you choose to blog about there is going to be someone out there that hates you with a mad intensity.

I think I’m about to go HAM as everyone seems to be saying these days.  That means Home and Masturbate.

Packers won.  I was worried because of how they played last week and then I felt more pangs of worry when I hear that Joe Webb was starting for the Vikings and he's quite the running quarterback.  Well the Packers won and made me very happy.  Now the Texans on the other hand...not so happy.  anyway it's #caturday so maybe this will cheer me up.

OK, it worked.  I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

The year of living recklessly has commenced.  I decided that I should load up on carbs and horrible pizza so I went to the Christian pizza chain in a nearby town and ate until I felt like I was going to explode.  Reckless?  Maybe not but I'm sure feeling it now.  Then while there one of the rooms was crowded with Amish.  Who would've ever thought the Amish would frequent a pizza place?  Well me because every time I go there there's at least one Amish family.  They love the fried chicken.  I saw this one guy dump out half a serving tray of chicken on two plates.  Hopefully he was feeding his children.  After the Christian pizza place I went to the casino.  I went to the roulette table and did fairly well.  I tripled my starting money in 15 minutes.  I figured it was time to leave before I spent another dime and then end up losing all my money.  They didn't even get my car to the valet lot.  It was still in the queue to be parked.  Then I came home on backroads that are infested with deer.  This weekend I have money riding on all the games.  If I win I probably won't have to worry about any bills for the year but if I lose, well if you don't hear from me come Monday then I'm dead.  Now it's time for the round up.

Might as well start with the NSFL first.  This is Japanese porn star Uta Kohaku.  This is a promotional shot for her upcoming movie titled Semen Collection 2.  She went onto her Twitter and asked gentlemen to send her samples of their jizz.  100+ guys sent her donations and here she is with all the collection she received in a 10 day period.  She promised to care for the outpouring of sperm she received and also promised to treat them as if they were her own children.  Oh that's so nice she's so maternal.  She has not said what she plans on doing with the collection during the film or after filming wraps up.  Do we really want to know?  Well some of us pervs do and I'm sure there are a few celebrities over here in America that would love to help her with recycling cough Tom Cruise cough John Travolta cough Kevin Spacey cough.  Anyway I don't think this will end well and I doubt shell want to put mayonnaise on anything for the foreseeable future.

Stan Lee turned 90 this week.  He so wants to show you why they call him the Incredible Hulk and where he got the inspiration for Thor's Hammer but it won't happen because the ladies have nicknamed him The Flash.

People often say that there is too much social media and too much social networking but before they say anything bad about WhoSay they need to take a deep breath and look at this photo Sofia Vergara posted this week.  LOOK AT IT!  LOOK AT IT!  Social networking is awesome.  We just need to get Sofia on Xanga.

Rihanna showed us that she celebrated the holidays in style.  You know, it takes a lot to upstage my sluttiness but I bow to her. 

This week Psy announced that he was retiring that dreadful Gangam Style.  Hmmm 2013 is not looking bad after all.  That Gangam Style dance is off to the land of the Electric Slide, the Macarena, and the Chicken Dance.  It will be performed in drunken fashion at white people weddings.

This is Nick Stahl.  He's probably best known for his roles in Carnivale, Terminator 3, Sin City, Bully, and The Man without a Face.  2012 was a bad year for Stahl.  In May he was reported missing by his friends and it turned out he was in a rehab center.  Then later in June the same thing happened.  Well this time he wasn't reported missing.  He was reported coming.  He was arrested inside a porn store for masturbating in one of the video stalls.  Seriously, an actor gets busted for jerking it at an adult video store in the days of internet porn.  Well Fred Willard got arrested for the same thing earlier this year so I guess there's some sort of thrill behind it or maybe something more sinister.  Actually the same cop who arrested Fred Willard arrested Stahl.  He is some sort of anti-masturbating crusader.  He should just stand outside the store and hand anyone who enters a bowl of Corn Flakes.  Look up the history of Corn Flakes.  I give Fred Willard a pass because he's elderly, he's like the male equivalent of Betty White.  But Stahl is 33 and should know better than to go into a confined space where 1000s of other guys have been and that should also serve as a warning to anyone wanting to sleep with Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian.  He should probably watch this youtube commercial for Streamate and learn to stay at home. 

Victoria Silverstedt was spotted reading on the beach this week because obviously she has nothing better to do than go to the beach and read 50 Shades of Grey.  Sometimes I wish I was famous but then being a guy I wouldn't be able to read porn at the beach because I'd be embarrassed because my Speedos wouldn't cast a shadow.

Ashlee Simpson was also spotted at the beach.  There is a reason I used to call her Asslee...sigh

Miley Cyrus tweeted this photo of herself and a "passenger" in her car.  I have no clue what she's doing but she's trying to be "edgy" and use the carpool lane.  The sad thing is that blowup doll probably has more in its head than Miley.  She thinks she's this amazing rock star instead of being the daughter of a guy who was a one hit wonder and used his connections to get her a TV show because he wanted to stay rich.  She's trying to shed her Disney image but is trying way too hard.  Hey, Miley, remember that time you were 11 and wanted to ride your pet horse but your nanny said you had to go for tennis lessons instead?  PARTY!  Speaking of party, Miley and her fiance Liam Hemsworth may have had a party last weekend celebrating their marriage.  They posted a photo together on Twitter showing off wedding bands but took it down when place started reporting their marriage.  Poor Billy Ray, he's slowly losing Meal Ticket Miley.

Matthew McConaughey and his wife Camila Alves welcome their third child into the world this week.  She gave birth to a boy.  They have a 4 year old son named Levi and a 3 year old daughter named Vida.  Early reports said they did the right thing and named their newborn son Loca.  OK that's a long way to go for a Ricky Martin joke.  They actually named him Livingston.  Poor kid.  Everyone will go up to him for the rest of his life and say, "Livingston, I presume?"  I'm also afraid that Matthew won't be able to lift the baby given his recent photos of what he looks like playing Ron Woodruff.

Fast Talker, Lil' Wayne, got a tattoo this week.  It is on his forehead and it says "Baked".  According to Fuse TV, the tattoo "Baked" isn't a reference to the constant state his brain is in but to tribute a skateboard company called "Baker".  I guess going through life with a tattoo whoring himself for a skateboard company isn't one of his worst decisions.  If the company ever folds he can always say it's a tribute to Scrabble or Lay's chips or the Waffle House because that is the same font.  Since he has a larger forehead, he should probably get a warning tattooed on his head for all the women that want to sleep with him: "Warning: if you plan on letting me play a game of 'just the tip' be cautious and make me wear ten condoms and overdose on the morning after pill because if you don't you'll give birth to a litter of hobgoblins in 9 months and there's only so much child support to go around."

This is Krysten Ritter.  She's probably best known for her roles in Breaking Bad and Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23.  She hinted this week that she is interested in and will be playing Anastasia Steele in the 50 Shades of Grey movie.  I really don't know what to think of this because I haven't seen enough of her work to make a judgment nor have I completely read 50 Shades.  All I know is that women love that book and it's somewhat pornographic and this has given me an idea for an invention...vibrators with reading lights.

Katy Perry has a skeevy Santa fetish so she posted this photo of her current boyfriend John Mayer dressed as Santa on Twitter.  Why?  Because he came down her chimney.

My New Year's Eve was pretty boring but then I turned on CNN and saw Kathy Griffin attempting to give Anderson Cooper a kiss at midnight.  I bet she had it in her contract with CNN to do that.  It probably read: "I, the undersigned, hereby vow to make my co-host, Anderson Cooper, giggle uncontrollably by doing anything within my power that can be broadcast on cable tv and I will attempt to devour his genitals with my ravenous mouth at some point during the night."  He giggled a lot especially when Kathy ripped on Kim Kardashian's vagina, Honey Boo Boo, Taylor Swift, and Ryan Seacrest.  Somehow when she mentioned Ryan Seacrest I thought Anderson loved it because she was making fun of his ex.  Well here's the video of the attempted bj or attempt to make Anderson giggle uncontrollably.

Kate Winslet got married last weekend.  She has been dating the guy for a year and he happens to be Richard Branson's nephew.  The couple was married in a romantic and private ceremony inside of a barn.  Kate's "Titanic" co-star, Leonardo DiCaprio, gave her away.  Oh I failed to mention her husband's name.  It was Abel Smith but he changed it to Ned Rocknroll.  She is now Kate Winslet-Mendes-Rocknroll.  If I were her I would definitely go by Kate Rocknroll now.  So Kate got married and Leo probably woke under a pile of bridesmaids.  Congrats to both of them!

Sources close to Justin Bieber are saying he's driving his record label batty because he's smoking a lot of marijuana.  He supposedly likes to take hits from the bong when he wakes up and before he goes onstage.  He was also spotted making out with Selena Gomez at an airport in Salt Lake City which angered Beliebers.  Here's a sampling of what was said on Twitter: "Go back to your own friends and family. let justin breath and get your tongue from down his throat @selenagomez."  "Oh wow. that's obviously how he thanks her for humiliating him in public. do you have a bit of dignity left?"  "Your relationship is faker than joan rivers face @justinbieber @selenagomez"  People are also worried about the group of hangers-on that have surrounded him and do anything he asks of them.  What do you mean, a celebrity toddler who wears diapers made out of $100 dollar bills and has 30 million followers on Twitter has become an arrogant asshole?  My heavens!  Also this week a bit of sadness surrounded Justin.  A paparazzo was trying to get a photo of Justin in his white Ferrari after he was pulled over by LAPD.  He was struck and killed by another motorist.  The sad thing is Justin wasn't in the car and it was being driven by one of his friends.  I don't see the point.  Just go to Google Images and there's plenty of shots with him in the car.  Use one of them.  Miley Cyrus took to Twitter to weigh in on the accident: "Hope this paparazzi/JB accident brings on some changes in '13 Paparazzi are dangerous! Wasn't Princess Di enough of a wake up call?!"  She compared Bieber to Princess Di.  I have a royal disdain for the royal family but this is outrageous.  What has Justin ever done that's comparable?  Oh yeah, he gave his pet hamster to a screaming girl outside a concert in Atlanta.  This photographer was an idiot, but can we please cut out the rhetoric that compares a Canadian kid who spends most of his time learning choreography and smoking weed to one of the most beloved women who ever walked the earth? Over a million people stood OUTSIDE her funeral and the suicide rate went up 17% immediately following her death. If Justin Bieber died we'd have to hear Miley Cyrus sing and Usher give a speech. Let's not get carried away here.

Jodie Marsh, England's finest rose, turned 34 this week.  She celebrated by spending some time at the beach dressed as slutty Santa.  Well, you can't spell "Santa" without "T" and "A".  That Angel of Death tattoo in her no no region reminds dicks that if they enter they may never be heard from again.

Here we go again.  Jessica Simpson showed off that she's pregnant once again.  she's of the Weight Watchers for now.  Weight Watchers wished her luck with her new family while holding their middle fingers up under the table: "It's wonderful news and we couldn't be happier for Jessica, Eric and big sister-to-be Maxwell.  Your WW family is so thrilled for you. What an amazing year you've had!"  Translation: "Thanks, here's the receipt, can we get our money back?"  I guess if you can afford to turn down $3million than more power to you. 

Actor Jack Klugman passed away since the last time I wrote one of these.  He was 90 years old.  He died from complications to prostate cancer.  He was diagnosed with throat cancer in 1974 after years of heavy smoking.  IN 1989 he lost a vocal chord to cancer but continued to act.  He was married to Bret Somers.  They separated in 1974 but never divorced.  Klugman is probably best known for his roles on TV shows "The Odd Couple" and "Quincy M.E." and his roles in the movies "12 Angry Men" and "Cry Terror".  Klugman will be greatly missed.

Another legendary actor passed away recently.  Charles Durning passed away at the age of 89.  He had quite the career.  He served in the military and was among the first soldiers to land on Omaha Beach on D-Day during World War II.  He also served at the Battle of the Bulge.  He was quite a decorated soldier.  He received three Purple Hearts, the Bronze Star, and the Silver Star.  He had quite an acting career and was in too many movies to mention but some include "The Sting", "Dog Day Afternoon", "Tootsie", and "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas".  He also won a Tony Award for his work on a production of "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof".  One of his last roles was on the TV show "Rescue Me" for which he was nominated for a Primetime Emmy.  Durning will be greatly missed.

Florida is quite a different place.  There are zombie attacks and Christian Slater isn't allowed to vote.  Now Hulk Hogan is opening a new restaurant.  I guess Brooke needs a job.  The thing is this restaurant won't be like others.  It's being called a "breastaurant" by Huffington Post.  I guess this means that the waitresses will wear little clothing to distract you from how awful the food is.  Side note...the only redeeming thing about Hooters are the chicken wings but no matter how good they are you always get distracted by the waitresses to give them your power of attorney as a tip.  The breastaurant is called "Hogan's Beach" and supposedly opened on New Year's Eve.  Hulk Hogan told the Tampa Beach Times that it was "going to be Jimmy Buffett's [Margaritaville] times 10; Hooters times 10".  Basically it will be T.G.I.Friday's with Hulk Hogan memorabilia on the walls.  It's also said to feature "a mechanical shark ride, volleyball courts, fire pits, cabanas and tiki huts."  I sort of would like to go just to see drunken tourists fall off the shark.  I'll stick to the overpriced drinks because I'm assuming the food will be just as bad as what they serve at Guy Fieri's restaurant.  It better be a better place than Pastamania.

From a bald bleach blonde douchbag to a spikey haired bleach blonde douchebag.  My high school English teacher said I was severely poor at transitions in my writing.  The jokes on you Mr. K.  I WRITE ON XANGA!  Guy Fieri is certified gutter trash and it's no wonder that he is now selling pizzas at Sam's Club.  The only good thing he's produced are the negative reviews for his restaurant.  Well his restaurant got negative reviews and now his frozen pizzas are getting negative reviews.  Here they are: "I love chocolate, graham crackers, and marshmallows - in short, I love s'mores... but this was the worst - and I MEAN the WORST dessert ever. Everyone was right - it was soooo spicy. I WILL be bringing this back to Sam's Club for a full refund. It makes me so mad that Guy Fieri would ever allow people to eat something like this - I was sick from it. Did I mention it was spicy?"  "I love chocolate, graham crackers, and marshmallows - in short, I love s'mores... but this was the worst - and I MEAN the WORST dessert ever. Everyone was right - it was soooo spicy. I WILL be bringing this back to Sam's Club for a full refund. It makes me so mad that Guy Fieri would ever allow people to eat something like this - I was sick from it. Did I mention it was spicy?"  "This is the worst thing I have ever bought. There was something very hot in it that burned our tongue and throat. We had to throw it away and I don't know what to do with the other one as they come 2 in a pack. Would never buy this again and would never recommend it to anyone!"  "My son thought this would be a great substitute for his birthday cake because he loves smores and pizza. Well, no where on the box does it say the smores pizza is loaded with Cayenne and chili peppers. We like spicy, but not on smores! This is disgusting! What a disappointment! Thank God for Sam's product guarantee... This is definitely going back for a refund!" "We purchased this product because it looked delicious on the box and had Guy Fieri's name on it. I can't believe he would put his name on this awful stuff!"  Spicy, vomit-inducing, life-ruining and makes you want to stick your tongue on a block of dry ice to stop the grossness from burning into your tongue?  Yeah that pretty much sums up Guy Fieri.  Cayenne pepper on S'mores?  I'm getting sick.  I wonder what it will take to make him and Food Network stop.

Crystal Harris and Hugh Hefner tied the knot.  He's 86 and she's 26.  That sort of gives me hope that one day I'd be able to find someone but I doubt I'll live to be that old.  I probably should start my porn empire.  It is the year of living recklessly.  OFF TO TUMBLR!

Hayley Williams of the band Paramore turned 24 this week.  Remember when "she" was on Xanga?  Yeah, that was pretty awesome. 

Even though Demi Moore is richer than Ashton Kutcher, she is delaying the divorce process because she wants a large sum of money.  In our Ramen, store brand bread, and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer world, Ashton Kutcher is wealthy but when you look at Demi Moore's networth you really can't say "get that cash".  It's like Donald Trump rolling the valets at his casino for their $75 in tips every day.  She wants a fat one (I hope some girls out there want a fat guy) like the one she got from Bruce Willis and even though she's loaded in more ways than one she will not walk away without getting that cash.  She needs to buy Red Bull and whippets.  I'm tired of feeling embarrassed for Demi.  Just slash his tires and move on.

Danica McKellar turned 38 this week.  Oh Winnie Cooper, I still love you and I've always had a special place for you in my stone cold heart after you dumped that jerk in the Jets coat.  Bonus points if you get that.

Christina Hendricks was interviewed by The Daily Mail and she claims that when she started modeling she was a blonde and when she was asked to dye her hair red they said she was ugly: "When I first started modelling I was blonde. Then I got a job and they wanted to do my hair bright red. I'd always wanted to, but the head of my agency was like, 'You look terrible, it's so ugly, you cannot have red hair.'  I came back as a redhead and couldn't get my hair back to blonde for two days - in the meantime I had to audition.  I booked two or three jobs, because were a lot fewer redheads than blondes, and I was like, this is working for me, I'm keeping this!"  I have to say the red suits her but, Christina, let's be honest here, no one, and I repeat NO ONE, is looking at your hair.

Just when I started to think Charlie Sheen had turned over a new leaf by bailing out down on their luck actresses/prostitutes and donating money to kids with cancer and staying sober for his new TV show which just did the insane thing and asked the company to produce 90 more episodes so they can rush it into syndication, Charlie Sheen shit on all of that.  He has opened a bar in Cabo and it's called Sheenz.  That's not even the worst.  At the grand opening, he was onstage in the bar and yells at the crowd, "How we doing? Lying bunch of faggot asssholes, how we doing?"  He immediately apologized for the slur and said he was not trying to offend and that he meant to say "maggots" but he has a lisp.  I think he had a lisp of the brain.  He should stop making appearances that aren't pre-taped. 

Britney Spears is probably going to be fired from The X Factor because she wasn't crazy enough for TV.  What a grand country in which we live!  An insider with the show says that she, along with other judge Demi Lovato, will be fired.  The insider said, "Producers wanted her for the long haul, but it isn't working.  They paid all that for her to say 'amazing' and offer half-claps.  He (Simon Cowell) wanted crazy Britney, but he got boring Britney."  Much like The Voice and American Idol, The X Factor isn't about the people on the stage.  It's just an excuse for networks to parade America's great reservoir of idiots and narcissists on stage so the hosts can pick on the low hanging fruit. But as it turns out, the majority of the hosts are fruit already rotting on the ground. Britney Spears judging a singing competition? That's like me judging a competition that tells you which bra or tampon is the most comfortable

Courtney Love and Frances Bean Cobain...no comment necessary

Well Merry Christmas to you Courtney Stodden.  I guess you put the "ho" in "Ho, Ho, Ho".  You can use that one at home in the home version GodfatherofGreenBay Celebrity Round Up boardgame.  In an article on Huffington Post, Courtney's mom waxes about how Courtney is here for the long haul: "Courtney is the new Anna Nicole Smith, without the drugs. Everyone wants to be like Marilyn Monroe, but with Courtney the beauty comes from within -- like Pam Anderson and Farrah Fawcett."  Marilyn Monroe?  No.  Jenna Jameson...maybe.  And if she's like Pam Anderson she better start looking for a good camera to capture that homemade sextape.  She goes on: "It won't be 15 minutes of fame because it's an evergreen story. Courtney is so intriguing; she’s almost an addiction for people. Her light shines. When she walks into an event, it's incredible, as her mom and manager, to watch the reaction from people. There are so many horrible things we read, but when people meet her in person is so rewarding."  It is kind of hard to ignore a girl who always looks spaced on on pain medicine and is married to a guy 30+ years older than her with her breasts practically falling out of everything she wears.  Courtney's mom continues: "She’s a victim of her own beauty. We need to understand all kinds of discrimination. It’s very sad."  This is a classic example of marketing at it's finest.  I can't comment any more because my brain hurts and my eyes are spinning like slot machines.

This was taken from Nickelodeon Magazine many years ago.  Sometimes the jokes write themselves.  So what is Lindsay up to these days besides being sober for New Year's?  She is complaining that the producers of Scary Movie 5 tricked her.  Lindsay claims that they filmed a scene showing her screaming in horror at a scene from Herbie: Fully Loaded but in the preview that came out recently it showed her screaming in terror watching a video of her sashaying out of a courtroom after her probation was revoked.  She claims the producers are getting even with her because of her allegedly trashing her trailer and backing up all the toilets on the set.  I wasn't planning on seeing this movie but now I sort of want to because I'm hoping for more jokes like that.  Lindsay also been quite mad at the IRS but now she should be singing their praises because she got a discount.  They knocked down her bill to $93,000 from the $100,000.  This means that the money Charlie Sheen gave her was enough and she has money leftover to buy scratch-off lottery tickets.  OH wait a second, that was just for her 2009 taxes.  She still owes $133,000 for 2010 and 2011.  I wonder how she'll be able to make that sort of money.  Maybe making "personal appearances" with Asian princes.  Lindsay was in London over New Year's and was spotted at a posh hotel wearing a fancy fur.  This is odd because her bank accounts have been frozen.  How did she afford that and how did she get there?  Well the Sultan of Brunei's son, Prince Haji Abdul Azim, paid Lindsay along with her mother Dina to come to London to celebrate New Year's Eve with him.  This is the same guy who paid Lionel Ritchie $250,000 to sing for him and Pamela Anderson $75,000 to appear for him.  So Lionel Ritchie is worth 2.5 Lindsay Lohans, but Pamela Anderson is worth $25,000 less. Poor Pam. Nothing says "past your prime" like not being considered as attractive or interesting as a drunk, pathologically lying ex-con.  You may laugh at this act of desperation but I applaud it.  Lindsay actually got paid to be Lindsay Lohan, a pathologically lying ex-con.  This should be her new career.  Forget hiring clowns, magicians, and mariachi bands for your birthdays, hire Lindsay.  A coked out court jester is a step up from a clown for sure.

Amanda Bynes posted this photo on Instagram this week.  If Amanda Bynes could drive as well as she uses Instagram then she wouldn't have to worry about any jail time or fines.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

I started doing this a few years back.  I never made New Year's resolutions before because I realized that I would eventually break them and that I should just save my breath and energy.  Lately as I have matured I think they are nice to make.  I also like to make predictions because I figure that I can do just as well as some of the major psychics.  Years back, I remember visiting my parents for the holidays and they were infatuated with this medium named Sylvia Brown.  The only thing that I found remarkable about her was her voice which had turned awful manly after years of smoking.  She also made appearances at the local casino to "talk with the dead".  Well on a year-end Montel Williams show special she made her predictions.  She said the Pope John Paul would die and would be succeed by a black man from Africa.  The funny thing was I think the pope lived another 5 years after her prediction failed to come true.  She also predicted that there would be a cure for diabetes and that John Travolta would die in a plane crash.  Man, I wish those would have come true.  Yes, I don't like John Travolta and had his plane crashed we would not have been subjected to Wild Hogs and Battlefield Earth.  Later on I found a website that said of all her predictions, that her best year she was accurate 10% of the time.  Well my gambling instinct took over and I figured that I could make predictions and be just as accurate.

Let's begin by reviewing what I said about 2012.  My current thoughts are in parentheses.
My Resolutions for 2012
1.  1280 X 960 (Yeah, that was awesome)
2.  I will be a better person (I didn't always think this one worked but two of the last three months I thought it was so much better)
3.  Tell people how I feel (I struggled with this one)
4.  Jump on the “let’s kill all dictators and terrorists” bandwagon. I plan on killing at least one dictator even if it’s just a mid-level oppressive despot.  (I was saddened that this one was one I didn't do)
5.  I think I’ll lose some weight…by sawing off my conjoined twin (I lost a lot of water weight by being incredibly dehydrated and anemic)
6.  I’m going to take up a new hobby.  Last year I did more fishing so this year I may take up fly fishing, ice fishing, knitting, or sexual mind-control. (I didn't get in a lot of fishing this summer but I did some ice fishing and I took up the hobby of wine making)
7.  Fight off a gang of three attackers but they don’t necessarily have to attack all at once.  Like I could attack them all throughout the entire year at different times. (This may have happened but I can't say for sure because the authorities may be reading)
8.  Tell everyone about a food item or movie that is really awesome but I secretly hate and then laugh at their angry emails and texts. (I sang the praises of Cloverfield)
9.  Set something big on fire. (Bonfire count?)
10.  Donate to the needy guy invading my home.  (No one invaded my house other than workers to fix my furnace)
11.  Not judge a woman by how big her breasts are but just how she reacts when she catches me sniffing her hair. (Half of that was true)
12.  I am going to be a better person in my mind.  (I think I said it before but I think I accomplished this but it may have been to my detriment)
13.  I am going to do volunteer work (I do so much for my church)
14.  I am going to brew my own beer, wine, or cider (I made a lot of grape wine and am currently in the process of bottling my own hard lemonade)
15.  I am going to enjoy life (This one was off and on)

My Predictions for 2012...my current thoughts in parentheses
2012 Predictions
1.  A major earthquake will hit somewhere within the U.S. and it will be so massive that new land from the ocean will be reclaimed and many people will consider this to be Atlantis. (Strike)
2.  A murder investigation about Kurt Cobain will be opened (Swing and a miss)
3.  Fidel Castro will die (He probably did but they hid it)
4.  Kim Jong Un will be assassinated and this will set off a new war and it will lead to a united Korea. (Swing and a miss)
5.  Due to droughts in the west and south, water will become scarce and there will be fights over water (I'm claiming this one because we had severe droughts)
6.  A major breakthrough will be made in the Zodiac killings and the case may be solved (Zodiac is still out there)
7.  There will be a showdown between the U.S. and China much like the Cuban Missile Crisis and we will enter a new Cold War and this will boost the American economy. (I wish the economy boosted)
8.  O.J. Simpson will admit he killed his wife and Ron Goldman in exchange for release from prison. (O.J. is still in prison)
9.  Joe Biden will not be Obama’s vice presidential candidate (Obama best be thankful this one didn't come true because if it wasn't for Crazy Uncle Joe winning the VP debate he would've never fired up Obama to do better in the last debates)
10.  Penn State will have a horrible football season and they will consider disbanding the program and this will cause Joe Paterno to die. (Joe Paterno died and there was a brief discussion of disbanding...2)
11.  President Obama will be re-elected due to a split in the Republican party.  Mitt Romney will win the nomination however the evangelical Christian portion of the GOP will not tolerate this due to Romney’s Mormon belief so they will run a third party candidate. (I'm claiming this one because Obama won and there was a poor Republican turnout in some states.)
12.  The 2012 election results will be significantly delayed because it will be too close to call. (Not quite but Florida took forever to declare the results)
13.  Romney will choose David Petraeus or some other former military man as his running mate. (Nope)
14.  The Book of Mormon will become a widely read book. (I've actually asked about this and the libraries in my area can't keep it on their shelves)
15.  Viruses will bring down every Apple device in the world. (Apple still sucks)
16.  The world will not end in December of 2012 but people will go mad as the predicted day looms because of rising unemployment, lower wages,and lower standards of living. (I claim this one because the world didn't end and a lot of crazy shit took place)
17.  Microsoft will be company of the year after they buy Nokia and introduce a new smartphone that will make the iPhone look like a Speak and Spell. (Sadly no)
18.  Iran will continue to do crazy shit. (Of course this one came true)
19.  Oil prices will drop significantly. (Well they have dropped quite a bit so yes)
20.  Arab Spring will return and this one will be worse and of course the U.S.will become involved and it will lead to a Palestinian state. (This one is always on the verge of happening but no)
21.  Iraq will become the U.S. of the Middle East when they intervene in Syria. (Nope)
22.  Marijuana will be legalized (I didn't say nationwide so this one came true)
23.  The European Union will fall apart and the U.S. will intervene (No and somewhere I'm sure people are upset that it didn't happen)
24.  The economy will not improve. (Depends on who you're talking to...I'm claiming it)
25.  People at FOX News will complain about NPR (Of course)
26.  Oprah and Gayle will come out of the closet and announce they were married in Iowa (This one didn't come true but it should've because it may save Oprah's tv network)
27.  Donald Trump will divorce his wife and Rosey O’Donnell will break up with her girlfriend so they can be together. (This didn't happen...thank god)
28.  Xanga will finally drop chat and introduce games (Even though there are no games this one sort of scared me because I forgot I predicted it)
29.  Xanga will offer more social sharing and become a clone of Pinterest, Tumblr, and Instagram (I'm glad this one didn't happen)
30.  Xanga will see high numbers of posts leading up to the election and then the numbers will drop significantly after November (Bingo)
31.  Because people want to legislate bullying and acceptance, Xanga will become a test ground for a new social emotional learning curriculum (I'm claiming it even though Xanga wasn't used so many places, my county for one, have started online patrolling for bullying and the first offense is like a $5 fine)
32.  The U.S. Supreme Court will begin hearings on Prop 8. (They started looking at it)
33.  Tammy Baldwin of Wisconsin will become the first openly gay U.S. Senator. (Bingo)
34.  Greece and Italy will be taken over by fascist leaders and they will implement big changes and the new scapegoats will be the Muslims but they’ll also blame the Jews. (Even though the Jews are the scapegoats for everything this didn't happen)
35.  Despite spending a record amount of money in free agency,the Florida Miami Marlins won’t make the playoffs. (They were the worst in their league and basically dropped all their acquisitions including manager)
36.  A celebrity will lose their life in a tragic way. (Whitney Houston?  Jenni Rivera?  Michael Clarke Duncan?  Bob Welch?  Robin Gibb?  Donna Summer?  MCA?  2 from the cast of Welcome Back Kotter?)
37.  A major sports pro-athlete will come out of the closet and will lead to unrest in the sports world. (One of the stars of the U.S. soccer team came out right before the Olympics)
38.  There will be numerous natural disasters and in most instances the Mayan calendar will be discussed (Well it somewhat is true because when stuff happened History Channel would bring out all their Mayan programming)
39.  I will become disinterested in a human interest story. (I can't watch the news without becoming disinterested)
40.  Contact will be made with another planet. (Does Mars count?  Yes?  OK)

22 out of 40 so basically 50%...I beat Sylvia Browne.

My Resolutions for 2013
1.  I will be a better Xangan
2.  I am going to make some drastic moves with the stock market
3.  I am going to get credits in a movie, tv series, or in a book.
4.  I am going to win the battle of the bulge and by bulge...wink wink nudge nudge
5.  I am going to be able to tell someone I love them
6.  I am going to resume regularly playing piano and guitar
7.  I will use my foreign language knowledge for good.
8.  I will be part of an inside joke.
9.  I am going to be a better person in my mind.
10.  I am going to do volunteer work
11.  I am going to enjoy life
12.  I will tell people how I feel and will try being more considerate
13.  I’m going to take up a new hobby.
14.  I will lose weight
15.  I won't die.

My Predictions for 2013
1.  I will become apathetic to a major news/human interest story.
2.  Iran will do crazy shit
3.  Iran will start a war in April after a solar eclipse occurs
4.  There will be martial law declared in America.
5.  A former U.S. president will die.
6.  There will be a breakthrough in the discovery of a treatment for AIDS.
7.  A celebrity will lose their life in a tragic way.
8.  A sports figure in a major sports league will come out of the closet.
9.  A major and active professional athlete will commit suicide
10.  Bees will be declared an endangered species.
11.  Disney will buy the rights to license Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Cupid, and the Tooth Fairy.
12.  We will be paying more for gas than this year and prices will likely hit $8 to $10
13.  Puerto Rico...51st State
14.  The U.S. auto industry will become the strongest it has ever been when GM unveils a muscle car that gets 100 mpg and costs under $10,000.
15.  The movie Independence Day will come true however instead of battling aliens, America will battle terrorists with President Obama leading the charge.  Instead of fighting from a jet, he'll fight from a tank and will mow down terrorists with a machine gun.
16.  Old Faithful will cease to be faithful and will erupt causing much of Yellowstone National Park to burn and be rendered void.
17.  That Progressive Insurance girl, Flo, I am so attracted to her.  I will bang her in a booze-fueled wild rumpus of a weekend.
18.  Relations with Cuba will be normalized and President Obama will have a photo session with Fidel Castro.
19.  That Vatican will move back to France after a molestation scandal in Italy forces them to flee in the middle of the night or because of volcanic activity.
20.  There will be numerous natural disasters.
21.  A major news station will quit broadcasting to focus primarily on bringing news to mobile devices
22.  Bill Murray will win an Oscar because he's Bill Fucking Murray
23.  Google will do something that grossly violates privacy yet no one will care
24.  A law banning guns will be passed but people immediately rebel and stock up on weapons thus causing the law to be repealed for fear of massive rebellion.  They will try to pass the law over and over because each time it boosts the economy.
25.  The NRA will continue to be hounded.
26.  A sliding glass door will kill someone so people will clamor for sliding glass door control
27.  A NASCAR driver will win a race while drunk causing people to call for a repeal of all DWI laws.
28.  A celebrity sextape you don't want to see will be released.
29.  Lindsay Lohan will die.
30.  Pope Benedict will absolve Lindsay of all her sins and make her the patron saint of lost causes.
31.  Medical breakthroughs will see a cure for hangnails and ingrown toenails.
32.  There will be a massive AMTRAK derailment and people will call for AMTRAK to end.
33.  The Fiscal Cliff will keep coming back every two months because Congress won't do anything and compromise will be considered a dirty word.
34.  A comet will pass earth and will be very visible and will cause mass hysteria.
35.  The NHL will fold permanently as labor talks break down.  A new league will spring up in its place.
36.  The Grand Canyon will collapse.
37.  Syria's president will try to use chemical weapons on his people but a miraculous being will intervene.
38.  The Caribbean will be hit hard by hurricanes and earthquakes and tsunami.
39.  The earth has begun shifting on December 21st and over the course of the year the poles will reverse and we will see rings form around our planet much like Saturn.
40.  More misdeeds will be revealed about the banking industry and people will be dis-empowered to do anything about it.
41.  Xanga will continue to kick ass.
42.  I will get married.

So those are my predictions.  I know they might be vague but look at Nostradamus.  He was vague as hell and people consider him to be the best.  I saw a guy last night explain how the name Mabus could have been Nostradamus predicting Osama, Sadam, W. Bush, and Obama.   I also predicted in 2009 that Osama Bin Laden would be captured and killed.  SO IN YOUR FACE!

Scumbags, the lot of them

I like Fiscal Norm better

I remember making guns with pens in grade school.

How will this work with #42?  Stay tuned.

Best use of call sign letters ever

SWEET!  All my shoes are Nikes.

This needs to be real.

You know you live in a bad neighborhood when Santa is stripped of everything including his beard.

This is what happens when you mix delusion, despair, and Etsy.

Vikings fans at Lambeau...be prepared.

The Jerk Store called, they want their dress back.  @Peridot21 isn't that a perfect dress?

Don't you hate it when that happens?

Such a devout fan to go and handicap themselves just to get those plates.

Revenge is a dish best served cold and covered in parsley.

Have a great year

Guess what!  I have an erection but you’ll never guess where.

Calling me a confirmed bachelor is just a polite way of saying that I’m a “fat loser who couldn’t get a woman if he had hundred dollar bills hanging out of his zipper”.

My autocorrect changed “tomorrow” to “the end”.  Maybe the Mayans were right.

I like to call my penis “Rick Moranis” because it’s short and hasn’t been in anything for quite a long time.

The teacher naming all the hobbits in the lunchroom line wasn’t as impressive as how fast it took me to steal his lunch money and give him a swirly.  Speaking of The Hobbit, it doesn’t take a showing of The Hobbit for me to show up at a movie theater in suspenders with hairy feet.  I should really quit drinking.

I can count on one hand how many hands I have.

Pokemon is the Michael Vick scandal dumbed down for kids.

I think if I ever graded an essay that had the first sentence “Listen here, you little shit,” I’d give it an A just because.

This afternoon I saw a bird eating a worm in my backyard.  Old sayings are stupid.

I can’t believe people still make jokes about the Titanic.  They are sinking to new depths for humor.

If I go to Denny’s and the waitress asks “How do you like your eggs,” I wonder what would happen if I said “Nogged”.  And to let you know, I’ve never had eggnog.

I have such a hard time watching Everybody Loves Raymond.  Who am I supposed to sympathize?  They were all shitty people.

Have you ever been so horny it made you nervous?

Life is just like a game show where the asshole next to wins because he always bids $1 more than you do.

I don’t understand why people think the Mona Lisa is Leonardo DaVinci’s best work.  His roles in Titanic and Inception were very good.

I get irrationally mad when I’m watching a movie with a budget of $100million+ and they have fake family photos in the background that look like they were drawn by a 6 year old on MS Paint.

Do you ever think that people who post porn on Tumblr orXanga get hate mail? “Hey that photo of a dick you just posted, well that dickis so tiny.”  “Dude, that vagina is way too hairy.”

I always thought Shania Twain was stupid for not naming her son Choo Choo.

Why isn’t the element of surprise on the periodic table?  Maybe one day a scientist will sneak it in and we’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Making out with a girl for the first time is the coolest thing and the second coolest thing is driving home and becoming aware of all the parts of your face where she was kissing and tasting her lip balm on your lips. The third coolest thing is nachos.

I find it interesting that since the vote to legalize marijuana, the Denver Broncos and Seattle Seahawks have a combined record of 15-1.

I want to grab your attention and by “attention” I mean boobs and butt.

Girls who are afraid that their thighs touch: you won’t have any more fears if you let me keep my head between your thighs.

A New Year’s kiss?  I plan on staying at home and watching everyone have fun in Time Square while I drink champagne straight from the bottle.

Pacman reminds me of “Human Centipede” and Centipede does not.  In other news I should probably upgrade my video game console.

Pick-up lines destined for failure: “I was blinded by your beauty so I’m going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.”  “Are you a 90 degree angle because you’re looking right?”  “You’re as hot as the bottom of my laptop.”  “You can call me‘Rain’ because I’ll be getting you wet tonight.”  “Are you a Pokemon trainer because you’ve captured my heart?”

According to sources, it costs about $20,000 to hire an assassin so if you ever think you’re worthless, just remember you’re worth $20,000 to someone out there. Happy holidays, everyone!

With all the strife in the world and unrest about the future, I wonder how Christmas was for Tila Tequila.

I’m thinking my insomnia is payback for all those naps I refused to take when I was a kid.

It’s so funny to see people base their relationships off cheesy photos they see on the internet and then get upset when their own relationship doesn’t live up to the standards of Tumblr photos and acted miffed when the person dating them doesn’t build them a house or write them 365letters.  “Oh you want to do cute relationship stuff?  OK let’s have rough sex in public.”

I’m not feeling that well so I went to WebMD.  Apparently I’m either high on meth or having a stroke.

I keep relapsing in my caffeine addiction so basically I’m Charlie Sheen without the whores.

I take the “L” and “R” on my headphones way too seriously.

I don’t understand sexting. Call me old fashion, but if I want to have sex with someone, I’ll write them a hand written letter politely requesting a photo of their boobs.

When I’m really depressed, I like to skip to the front of a line, because I’m a cutter.

Can pregnant women drive in the carpool lane? Trick question, women can’t drive.

When my girlfriend and I met on the internet, it was love at first site. Thanks www.mormonfuckfest.org!

My girlfriend’s tone of voice is so annoying when she’s nagging at me, it probably doesn’t help that she’s deaf.

I want to watch a Wes Anderson movie.  You know the one with quirky characters and an all "British Invasion" rock soundtrack.

I am spending New Year’s Day staying at home, watching football, and getting drunk with my cats. My life is awesome.

Unless you are Dr. Emmett Brown or Dr. Who, saying “See you next year” is not acceptable.

If Disney and Nintendo taught me anything it’s that princesses are morons.  I’m half expecting Princess Kate to be abducted by a gang of mushrooms and turtles one of these days.

Who wants to make a bet that I’ll be single all of next year?

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

On New Year’s Day I almost vomited from the smell of my ownbreath.  Don’t worry, ladies, I’m still single.

I think one of my 2012 resolutions should be that I start wearing my pants below my ass and constantly grab my crotch while screaming,“Fuck bitches, get money.”  If I do that then people will definitely respect me.

Today, I put on a Forever Lazy and then I put on a Snuggie on top of it.  I just guaranteed that I will never have sex ever again but then my New Year’s resolution was to be celibate despite women not caring.

My dad informed me that he didn’t get what he wanted for Christmas.  He said he wanted a time machine so he could go back in time to tell himself to buy condoms.

Contrary to popular belief, laughter isn’t the best medicine.  It’s oral sex.

Ladies, you don’t have to look like (insert name of current“hot” flavor of the week) to satisfy a man. All you need to know is how to make delicious banana bread and I will hold your purse wherever you want to go. (Hint…the godfather is hungry for some banana bread)

I want to be a porn director because if you’re a director you experience all the glam of the porn industry and you get to keep yourself-respect.

Too bad the Green Bay Packers’ loss was not covered by State Farm.

I’m not saying my girlfriend’s a gold digger but she works in a goldmine for 12 hours a day.

Masturbation isn’t sex with someone I love.  And does that mean I’m a chubby chaser?

Does anyone know when they’ll change the name of Man vs.Food to Man vs. Food vs. Congestive Heart Failure?

Nothing makes me feel more manly than when a woman screams “Oh my god, it’s so hard,” as I’m trying to teach her how to assemble a shotgun.

Did you know that they are now making vibrators that can also open jars?  Men have been officially rendered useless.

Why is it that I have 40 emails, 99 notes, and 27 friend requests on Facebook but my phone hasn’t rung since Thanksgiving?

My New Year’s resolution is 1080p.  720p can suck it.

My New Year’s resolution is to buy a calendar.  Happy Halloween, everyone!

I went to for a dentist appointment and I accidentally sat on a syringe filled with Novocain.  I am such a numbnuts and numbass.

Wisconsin fact #1: 50% of all the world’s cranberries are grown in this state and I live near the Ocean Spray bogs.  If you’ve ever had one of Ocean Spray’s fine products you are tasting my essence because there have been wild nights of debauchery that end with swimming in the Ocean Spray cranberry bogs.

Wisconsin fact #2: We have to hang a pot roast outside our doors at 9pm every night to appease the timberwolves that roam the streets so they won’t eat our children riding the school buses in the country.

I kissed my computer screen at midnight so you got kissed by me.  And you don’t want to know what I pressed on the screen at 2AM.

Xanga is the only place online where having a mental illness is considered advantageous.

Xanga is where you post your most intimate thoughts and people come and shit all over them.

Do you remember the good old days when Xanga had chat and the first thing you did after you logged in was quickly sign off chat because Xanga didn’t give an option to turn off the chat feature?  So do you miss Meebo?

NPR said Xanga was a relevant media outlet.  I can’t even write a punchline for this one.

Xanga doesn’t look that impressive when you first start but once you get involved with some drama it turns into Cloverfield.  Wow, a Cloverfield joke…and people have said I was brilliant.

Is there nothing better in life than denying a mass friend request on Xanga?

New Xanga motto…Xanga: Where Grown Adults Use the Word “Crush” and I Desperately Wish to be someone's Crush Once Again.

It’s pointless to debate religion, gun control, abortion,politics, rape, circumcision, gay rights, and Batman’s penis size on Xanga.  No matter how convincing you are you’re never going to change anyone’s mind on these things.  Seriously, has anyone changed their opinion based on a Xanga comment or post?

And we’ve reached that point in the evening where I now consider masturbating or going to bed.