February 7, 2013

• Motivation

  Did you know Monday was “National Shut the Fuck Up Unless You Won a Lot of Money or are a Fan of the Winning Team or are an NFL Owner Day”.  I didn’t fall into either category this year.  Oh and did you know that the reason they call a football field a gridiron is because Vince Lombardi used to punish his players when they lost to the Bears by making them iron his shirts and cook pancakes on the field.  If Lombardi was still alive and saw this Super Bowl he would’ve asked, “Is this the Super Bowl or a Lawrence Welk concert?” Dan Mario had the largest flag lapel pin so all is forgiven.  Jacobi Jones’ touchdown dance is similar to my Culver’s dance.  I really wished instead of saying “I’m going to Disney World,” someone would say, “I’m going to Valley Fair.”  I bet Tim “The Toolman” Taylor was the cause of the power outage at the Super Bowl and Al Borland was saying, “I told you I didn’t think so, Tim.”  I still have no clue what GoDaddy does other than make Super Bowl commercials.

  I can’t wait for Valentine’s Day so I can have sex with myself.  Internet pornography, will you be my Valentine?

  Just a few more days now until you get to hear me wallow in self-pity.

  My dad told me, “If you’re alone on Valentine’s Day just remember that no one loves you any other day of the year either.”

  If it wasn’t for the internet I would’ve forgotten Valentine’s Day.  Thanks a lot, internet.

  Is there a romantic way of saying “I think about you when I masturbate”?

  I wonder how many virginities will be lost on Valentine's Day.  I will wear my light up shoes because my virginity is hard to see in the dark.

  You realize that if you were born anywhere from November 5to 10^th it’s a pretty good chance that you were a Valentine’s gift.

  Essentially, my dream is to get married to a girl who has a birthday on February 14^th and will want to get married on February14^th.  This way I can knockout a birthday present and Valentine’s Day present in one day and not have to worry about remember extra dates.  And now for the serious part, I’ve had so many concussions over the course of my life that I cannot remember my own birthday. People laugh at this and think I’m being cute about not wanting to age or divulge when I was born but I honestly can’t remember.  It’s the strangest damn thing.

  Did you know Valentine’s Day is known as Worldwide Singles Masturbation Day?  Well I won’t be celebrating because vodka said it would be my date.

  Cupid’s arrow does exist but in the real world we call them roofies.

  I spilled a box of candy hearts all over the floor but the cool thing is I picked them up one by one and wrote down each word or phrase in order and I sold the lyrics to Taylor Swift. Looks like I’m going to be a hit songwriter.

  Just remember on Valentine’s Day that “love” is two letters away from “lice”.

  And I realized I’m a week early for Valentine’s jokes…fuck me…really, please, have sex with me.

  Catfish has totally ruined online dating for me.

  Vampires have to be real if there are girls out there sucking on their own tampons.

  If you think about it, the second inauguration was just a celebration of Obama keeping his job.

  Porn gives young people such an unrealistic and unhealthy of how fast pizza is delivered or how fast a plumber will show up at your house when you have a leaky pipe.

  I’m glad I’ve never been heartbroken because in order to be heartbroken you need to have a heart.

  The best part of Facebook is all the emails I’ve received from teenage white rappers asking me to check out their page.

  Pick up lines destined for failure: “We should do something cute like fuck in a public bathroom.” “Hey, sexy, nice tits.  Whoa!  Why are you so upset?  It’s a compliment.  I’m only trying to be nice to you, you stupid sow.”  “Are you a deer because I’m going to hunt you down and run you over?” “Damn, girl, do you run the Princeton offense, because you have a nice backdoor cut?”

  My favorite Bible verse is the one that says you have to forward every single email or share every Christian photo on Facebook in order to gain eternal salvation.

  It’s all fun and games until you fall in love with someone on the internet.

  Remember that time David Lynch directed an episode of MTV’s “Catfish” and it had so many plot twists and strange shit that it made your head hurt?

  My new current hobby is talking about the weather and listing all the layers I’m wearing according to the weather.

  A source has reported that John Travolta has pneumonia.  They say he has chills and they’re multiplying and doctors are afraid he may lose control.

  I heard it said that Taylor Swift is quite passive aggressive writing songs about her ex-boyfriends but she’s nothing like Gwen Stefani who wrote an album about her break-up and then made her ex play bass on all the songs and tour with her.

  My ex says I’m passive aggressive and creepy so I broke into her house and put a dead rose on her pillow as she slept.

  If only my ceiling fan could support my weight.  I’d never be bored again.

  Every time I go grocery shopping I can’t help but look at all the food and think that eventually 85% of all the stuff that is bought will become poop.

  It’s not drinking alone if you are online because you’re connected to millions.

  I once dated a girl who was the heiress to the Saran Wrap fortune.  I ended up breaking up with her because she was too clingy

  And now your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  I wonder if people ever think about me after they read my posts and say, “God, he needs to get laid.”

  My last girlfriend always warned me that I should have a mole on my back checked out.  I finally went in to have it looked at and the doctor told me it was a gopher.

  If God didn’t want men looking at breasts, he would’ve shaped them to look like washing machines or ovens or laundry baskets.

  An automotive report found that Jewish Americans are the number one demographic for purchases of the Mercedes Benz automobile.  Man, can those guys forgive and forget?  Christians ought to take a note.

  Do porn blooper movies count as romantic comedies?  If so then I love romantic comedies.

  I bought some of that Dr. Pepper that is supposedly only supposed to be for men.  My manboobs are shrinking.

  I really enjoy my morning wood.  It’s like my penis is really excited to begin the day no matter how much I loathe mornings and waking up and he also is excited to see me and winks at me.  It’s just too bad my last girlfriend reacted to my morning wood the same way the guy did in The Godfather when he woke up with a horse’s head in his bed.

  Did you know the Nike slogan “Just Do It” was created in Nike factories from what they scream at the child laborers to make them create more overpriced shoes?

  It was -15F out this morning.  I hope all the ladies I flashed at the gas station took that into consideration.

  I like going to the Chinese buffet mostly because they have complimentary fortune cookies.  My last one said I had nice hair.

  I once knew a guy named Khan that was so nice until anyone mentioned Star Trek and then he’d unleash his wrath.

  I’ve been seeing the same Bill Murray every day at the same time since Saturday.

  Sometimes I think music in America would be better if we were all afraid of getting drafted.

  I think God is a genius since he created cactuses to look like they always want to give you a high five.

  Say what you will about the photos of Obama shooting a gun but the absolute worst thing is that he revealed he tucks his t-shirts into his jeans.

  Tennessee teachers are required by law to inform parents if they hear someone isgay.  I hope Homework and his family are ready to deal with the onslaught.

  I saw a smart car sitting at a coffee shop, sipping on Earl Grey tea, and reading The New Yorker yesterday.
  

  I’m fairly certain one can turn a ho into a housewife simply by taking the ho and adding “usewife” at the end and yeah, I’d like to use my wife.

  I need a little luck in my life so I went to the gas station to buy some scratch-offs only wearing a belt.
  

  The ladies call me “The Sump Pump” because when I come around their downstairs dry up.
  

  I always know a girl thinks I’m ugly when she tells me her favorite position is doggiestyle.
  

  If you ever see me struggle trying to find the end of a roll of tape then you will know that I don’t know how to properly pleasure a woman.

  My dancing has been described as “Does anyone here have an EpiPen?”

  The U.S.military said the decision to allow women to serve in combat wasn’t a slam-dunk decision but it was more of an awkward two-handed lay-up.

  I’m pretty sure the fighting style Capoeira was invented on accident by a guy trying to suck his own dick.

  The only way to do wrong on Xanga is to tell people how to use Xanga.

  Smart Xangans seem like crazy Xangans to dumb Xangans.

  I think the majority of Xanga drama starts when two people are going through substance withdrawal at the same time.  There really are emotionally unstable people here on Xanga.

  Saying I have a Xanga crush is so immature so I’m going to step up my game and make her a mixtape and get her a promise ring.  I was going to send her a mold of my penis so she could practice hacking it into small pieces because I tend to have that effect on women.

  This is Xanga.  Nobody is winning or losing anything.  If you made someone laugh, smile, or think today then your job is done. 

  There is a fine line between “things I post on Xanga” and“things I tell my therapist”.
  

  Xanga friends have ruined and improved my life.

  • 12:20 AM
  • 31 Comments