February 23, 2013

• Celebrity Round Up 2/22/13

  I'm finally back with one of these posts.  I've been lazy and sick and down on Xanga.  I love the people here for the most part but the way the site has been functioning and these troll ratings attacks have me really upset with this product.  I mean what's the point of using it if it doesn't work or I can't view someone's site because they are rated EX?  I know I'm basically yelling at a wall because I'll be told to make the suggestion to Xanga ideas where someone with their 50+ accounts will shoot down my idea and the Xanga team won't look at it.  Grumble!  I think I'm in a foul mood because I blew my nose earlier tonight and I did it so hard that my ear burst and then I became dizzy, lost my balance, and fell.  I'm old.  Time for the round-up.

  NSFW and NSFL

  
  These photos of Nicki Minaj sporting a neon green thong while lounging around at her house were released this week.  I guess that's your every day type of lounging attire.  I really dislike her on American Idol.  I tried watching with an open mind but she really sucks as does Mariah Carey.  The only thing saving Mariah is she has a lot of cleavage and acts drunk.  Nicki just acts like the crazy girl in my grade school class that would pretend to be British on Mondays and French on Fridays and every day in between it was a toss-up.
  
  Country singer Mindy McCready committed suicide this week and died at the age of 37.  She had 12 #1 hits on the country music charts and she was most famous for the song "Guys Do It All the Time".  She had a lot of demons.  She battled alcoholism and was in and out of treatment facilities.  She leaves behind two sons both of whom were taken into custody because of her drinking and other problems.  The father of her 9 month old son shot himself and her last boyfriend killed himself a month earlier.  Mindy also killed her dog.  People are saying Mindy may have had something to do with her former boyfriend, David Wilson's, death.  She was the only person in the house and initially she claimed she didn't hear the gunshot because the TV was so loud.  That must've been really loud.  Then she said she did hear the shot.  The police wanted to question her not because she was a suspect but because they needed clarification.  I know I consider myself a lot of things...nice, smart, hung, and amateur detective.  I know enough that police won't say, "Hey, you're a suspect, but we want to ask you a lot of questions."  She wasn't officially a suspect because she was unofficially a suspect.  A good place to start looking when a suicide is suspicious is at the person who was at the house at the same time.  It's also strange she died on the same porch where he did just a month before.
  
  Back in 2010, Megan Fox was fired from the Transformers franchise of movies because of things she said about the Transformers cast and crew including the director Michael Bay who she said was like working for Hitler.  Megan also complained about having to wash his car to get the part.  Well she must've washed his car naked because he has cast in his new live action adaptation of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Bay announced if via the tweet: "TMNT: We Are Bringing Megan Fox Back Into The Family"  The family?  I bet he makes everyone call him daddy and talk to him in a high-pitched voice.  She will be playing April O'Neill.  ugh...the only thing that could save that movie is Vanilla Ice doing the ninja rap.
  
  Desperation is setting in for Lindsay Lohan and since she hasn't quite figured out how to suck money directly out of a penis she's now hitting up her exes for money that she totally plans on paying back...as soon as they track her down and sell her organs on the black market to recoup their losses.  She has turned to Ashton Kutcher for help because they had a brief fling a few years ago and he feels obligated to act as her personal ATM.  Although they were never serious, Ashton has a soft spot for her and Lindsay is totally exploiting it.  She borrows hundreds of dollars at a time and promises to pay him back in a few weeks but Ashton doesn't really care.  I wonder how Mila Kunis, Ashton's current girlfriend, feels about this.  It must be pretty convenient when Lindsay shows up at his house at 3am with a cordless drill she just found. Lindsay even lets them keep it for $20 until she gets paid! What a steal!  Back when Lindsay was a lesbian, before she had financial difficulties that forced her to become straight, Lindsay dated Sam Ronson.  After they broke up Lindsay showed up every day crying until she moved in next door when Sam refused to speak with her any more.  Well Sam was deejaying a VIP party at the opening of Dubai’s latest luxury hotel, The Atlantis.  People in attendance included Oprah Winfrey, Kylie Minogue, Mary-Kate Olsen, Mischa Barton, and Matthew Williamson.  Anne Dexter-Jones, Sam's mom, claims that without warning Lindsay threw a temper tantrum.  She flung herself onto the thick carpet and started to roll around while screaming like a child.  Anne said that Lindsay was upset that people weren't paying enough attention to her.  She then took Lindsay aside and told her not to make a spectacle of herself.  Then she says things got worse but wouldn't go into details.  She was afraid for Sam's safety and told them the next morning that she couldn't support their relationship and that Lindsay was no longer welcome in her house.  We really don't need to have a forum discussion as to why we all believe every word of this story, because if you've been on Earth since 2005, you know that Lindsay is a spoiled, petulant child who will literally throw a tantrum in the middle of the aisle if she doesn't think she's the center of the universe at all times. She probably thinks global warming was caused by that time she went blonde.  Remember that time Lindsay sued rapper Pitbull because the song "Give Me Everything", had the line, "I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan" and it caused her great emotional distress and that because Pitbull used her name he owed her money?  Don't worry anymore.  A New York federal judge sided with Pitbull because the song is a work of art protected by the 1st amendment plus Lindsay is barely even mentioned in it. The judge also ruled Lindsay's allegations that she suffered emotional distress are also BS. The case has been dismissed.  Although the judge was a little liberal with the whole "the song is a work of art thing", fuck Lindsay Lohan. I don't think I can stress that enough.  The dress Lindsay is wearing in the photo was valued at $1750 and borrowed for a charity event earlier this month.  Supposedly she destroyed it but I'm thinking the liberal media is just out to smear Lindsay's reputation.  She claims she ripped it so she had her assistant ask the bouncer for a pair of scissors so she could make alterations.  What bouncer carries scissors?  The people at Theia who gave her the dress said she turned it into a mullet.  What exactly were the dopes at Theia thinking when they let Lindsay "Rough Patch" Lohan borrow a dress, expecting it returned in good order? They should be happy that it was only shredded and not returned like the rest of Lindsay's clothes: covered top to bottom in Red Bull, Grey Goose, and semen. You know what? That last comment was a low blow. Lindsay can't afford Grey Goose.
  
  A group of British guys who wear scarves and carry moisturizer in their hand bags made a list of the ugliest actresses alive.  I guess I gave away who the #1 actress was.  Here's the top 10:  1. Kristen Stewart 2. Sarah Jessica Parker 3. Lindsay Lohan 4. Denise Richards 5. Kirsten Dunst 6. Mischa Barton 7. Hillary Swank 8. Lucy Liu 9. Tilda Swinton 10. Uma Thurman  They claimed they were turned off by Stewart because she was moody and volatile and they don't want to see unhealthily skinny ice queens on the big screen.  I would give Kristen Stewart bonus points because she likes to give married dudes road head, but that doesn't change the fact that she's boring and looks like if I had sex with her she'd lay there like a bag of potatoes. That being said, is there a reason why Sarah Jessica Parker wasn't 1-5 and Cameron Diaz wasn't 6-10? If I saw either of them walking down street, I'd aim for the brain before I realized what I was doing because I'm totally into The Walking Dead now that I have Netflix.
  
  Remember how often talk about how disgusting Ke$ha is and how she probably smells like a dead body found washed up on the shore at a beach?  Well she's really disgusting.  Her and her brother have been filming a documentary for the past two and a half years and Ke$ha claims, "He got all the things you would want to see and all the things you wouldn’t really want to see -- making out with dudes, drinking my own pee, jumping out of a building, jumping out of aeroplanes, swimming with sharks.  I was told drinking my own pee was good ... Somebody tried to take my pee away from me and I said, 'That is mine!' So I snatched it up and took a chug and it was really gross so I don't do it anymore."  Ke$ha looks like something Bear Grylls would try to escape, so it would be cool if they met only to find they have something in common.  Or maybe she could do some collaborations with Chuck Berry.  Also in the show Ke$ha eats a cannoli.  Can cannolis get gonorrhea?
  
  Jessica Simpson is ridiculously attractive but she's also a functioning mentally challenged person.  She named her daughter Maxwell and now according to sources she is set to name her unborn son Ace.  There is no word on how she came up with that name however I think it has something to do with her boyfriend, Eric Johnson's, penis.  The baby's name would be Ace Johnson aka Champion Penis.  But then her kids will be Max and Ace.  That sort of sounds like a kid and his dog on a Disney Channel animated crap show.
  
  This is the first promotional poster for The Hunger Games: Catching Fire.  It sort of looks like a wedding poster for some weird alien cult so basically I'm saying that it looks like something out of The Church of Scientology.
  
  If there was ever an argument to abolish the 2nd Amendment, U.K.'s Channel 5, aired a documentary, Speidi: Scandal, Secrets & Surgery!, where Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt show off their gun collection.  Trust me, that is not an arsenal.  I have four guns and that doesn't even scratch the surface of some people's collections around here.  This is, however, two idiots with semi-automatics and a sniper rifle who are broke because they thought the Mayans were right. And after watching the video, I'm pretty sure Heidi Montag has never even held a gun before. What she says seems so scripted.  I bet Spencer wrote all of that for her so she could practice saying it.  The only thing Heidi knows is that she can use that gun to shoot people! Translation: we're all doomed.  But as we all know, nothing stops a bad guy with a gun like a two reality show contestants.  That garage they're in?  That's Spencer's parents' garage because they are broke and have to live with his parents.  Spencer shows the people of Britain that in America we can own guns and he owns a lot to protect himself from stalkers and "crazed fans".  What fans?  If they have any fans, those fans have already been declared certifiably insane by the state and are locked up in the padded basement at Briarcliff.
  
  It was announced this week that Harrison Ford will be reprising his role as Han Solo in the upcoming J.J. Abrams' movie Star Wars Episode VII.  According to my pants, my boner just broke into warp speed and inserted itself into some Xangan ladies and Natalie Portman and then it whispered, "I'm such a Stars Wars fan, baby, I hope you like having twins."
  
  Giada De Larentiis was spotted at the South Beach Food and Wine festival wearing this number.  I think she is now my favorite fake chef.  The ball is in your court now Paula Deen.
  
  If you've ever heard Chrissy Teigen speak or read her Twitter, you'd know that she doesn't take herself or her life too seriously which is basically why she's universally loved and a 9 time Grammy winner wants to make her his wife.  See how that works, ladies?  You could always take yourself somewhat seriously and throw yourself at the feet of a fat blogger.  Well that being said about her not being serious, something she recently said offended a lot of people.  Chrissy tweeted this: "We keep pushing the date but it will definitely happen in 2013. If it's not this year, I'm out."  Then after all her critics said that was awful she tweeted: "Obviously it was a joke, I don't even care about getting married."  People of course will jump on that last part, so it's a good thing Chrissy doesn't give a fuck. Because you know who cares about getting married?  John Legend.  Why?  Have you ever seen the way that dude looks?  He looks like my 4 year old goddaughter when I say I have candy.  John's wedding gift to himself is to clone Chrissy so he can marry her twice.
  
  It's pretty obvious that Britney Spears is no longer under supervision when she wears outfits like that out in public.  She needs supervision to to observe her wardrobe selection otherwise something is going to end up on fire.  Maybe she's just depressed since she got fired from her job on The X-Factor. 
  
  This is the 3573rd post I've seemingly done about Amanda Bynes being crazy.  She is being forced to move out of her New York City apartment or face eviction because she's smoking weed all over the building.  She constantly leaves her doors open to her apartment and knocks on all her neighbors' doors and changed all her lightbulbs to red lights.  People also say she comes down to the lobby and laughs hysterically for a few minutes and then returns to her apartment.  I feel bad for this girl but if she's as crazy as she does in that photo then I'd let her knock on my door all she wants.  I would love to date her so I could tell her that my semen would make her telepathic and help her teleport to L.A. and that certain types of sex would help legalize marijuana.  I really haven't had time to think this through.
  
  This may be shocking news but here goes...inhale...Alec Baldwin got into a fight with the paparazzi.  Baldwin was approached by a reporter and photographer from The New York Post and the reporter was asking about a lawsuit against Alec's wife.  Alec grabbed the reporter, Tara Palmeri, by the arm and told her, "I want to choke you to death."   The photographer, a former detective with the NYPD, G.N. Miller stepped in and Baldwin called him a "coon, drug dealer".  It's so weird that out of all the celebrities out there that get followed by the paparazzi that Alec Baldwin is the only one who goes batshit crazy on them and then alleges they assaulted him.  It's almost as if the problem is Alec's reaction to the paparazzi, and not the paparazzi itself. I know, right, what a groundbreaking theory. I should become a professor or something.
  
  Even though she wants everyone to forget it and has lawyers threaten bloggers who posted them years ago with lawsuits, Vanessa Hudgens is still talking about her "graphic" nude pics.  Yes they were so graphic because you don't see stuff like that in Hustler at all.  Vanessa said this: "That was just a really shitty situation that sucked.  That was by far the worst moment of my career."  Ah yes, I remember those photos now.  I also seem to remember a trip to the clinic to help treat my dislocated wrist.  I don't know why she regrets those photos other than showing off her unkempt nether hair which isn't really a bad thing.  Those pics made her a star and led to better camera phones and better broadband service and put Twitter on the map.  Vanessa Hudgens is basically the Steve Jobs of masturbation; she didn't invent it but she made a lot of improvements to it.
  
  Taylor Swift is going to be dating Mumford & Sons soon.  Apparently she went to the British music awards with a list of men she wanted to meet but only to talk about possible collaborations.  Yeah, collaborating underneath a blanket fort while eating s'mores.  You thought I was going to say sex but we all know Taylor doesn't do that.  She really wanted to hang out with Tom Odell of that band because she loves his voice and music.  Great.  Mumford & Sons is a wannabe Fleet Foxes. There, I said it. But that won't stop Taylor Swift from following them around to renaissance fairs or commnues or wherever they perform because she'll think they want to marry her after they all get handjobs after this awards show. Then she'll buy a house next to one of their mothers. Then she'll dress up a baby doll in a vest and a bowtie and try to teach it to play banjo. It has to be banjo. Because if a member of Mumford & Sons sees someone playing the drums they catch on fire and explode into organic coffee grounds.
  
  The Oscars are this weekend, a religious event in Hollywood second only to Christmas/Hanukkah.  I'm somewhat anxious for them mostly because Seth MacFarlane is hosting.  He can't do any worse than last year's co-hosts James Franco and Anne Hathaway.  That was horrible.  I also hear people talking about all the potential upset winners.  I doubt anything like that will happen.  I'm pretty sure Lincoln is going to win everything.  I'd be shocked if it didn't since none of the other movies made a state ratify an amendment to officially end slavery.  The real winners this year will be the presenters.  They are given gift bags with some pretty decent gifts.  Items include a book by Leeza Gibbons, a six pack of Naked brand condoms, a gourmet maple syrup valued at $100, portion control dinnerware, a gift certificate for something called a Vampire Facelift valued at $5000 which is a cosmetic procedure that involves re-injecting gel-like substances from the patient’s blood back into the skin of their face to treat wrinkles, tickets to a circus valued at $400, hair ties, a lint roller, and Windex.  I guess it pays not to be nominated for anything good because as a presenter you're going home with Windex.

  I hope everyone has a great weekend and all of you don't get rated EX.

  • 4:54 PM
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