the thermometer said 90 when I got home, tomorrow's forecasted high is 45.

It's a "blast Underworld's 'Born Slippy' at 2AM to excite the neighborhood" kind of night

I was going to be a better Xangan but there is Netflix to watch and I haven't exorcised this demon in my stomach yet.

...will not be seen here because it's #caturday.

Now I'm off to my super top secret Tumblr where I post pornography and use a photo of my penis for the profile pic...oops...ugh...I mean I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

bleeding ulcers, YAY! Taking the skinheads bowling.

Give me a Three Musketeers, a ball point pen, one of those combs there, a pint of Old Harper, a couple of batteries, and jerky

I traded for the third pick in the NFL draft and I've selected that White Castle build a restaurant in my backyard.

It’s always nice to see so many people on Xanga undermining their education or employment.  Kudos to you!  Now leave me eprops.  And I don’t think you understand that if I don’t get enough eprops then I have to go work in the acid mines.

I can look back at my life and proudly say that I have only used the word “peasants” in reference to the feudal system.

The next time you say “fuck the police” remember the response of the Boston police when those bombs went off.  I tryto respect the police even if they are always interrupting my life of crime.

Happy birthday to me. I’m going to spend the day alone and unseen like every other day that isn’t my birthday.

I think I might be a sociopath because I like to reunite broken Wheat Thins before I eat them.

I’m a sucker for girls with hair colors that could double as Gatorade colors.

If you’ve never stolen farm animals in the middle of the night and harvested and sold their organs to a major university then you never had a proper childhood.

Everything I learned about romance I learned in a Burger King bathroom.

We have Earth Day so when the fuck is Pluto Day?

I was driving on the freeway recently and saw a homeless guy in the median.  I don’t know why there was a homeless guy in the median of the freeway but he gave me a thumbs up so I must’ve been driving like a boss.

I don’t know why girls wear bras when they have me.  I’m very supportive.

Why do they make black and white jelly beans?  The black ones taste like the tears of orphans and the white ones taste like the souls of the damned.

I’ve often wondered how they could put the Nine Inch Nails song “Closer” on a Kidz Bop album.  The original lyrics are “I want to fuck you like an animal”.  I bet the Kidz Bop lyrics would be “I prefer Gogurt to Danimals”.

It’s sort of interesting to think how when someone dies everyone becomes the deceased’s friend. It’s sort of upsetting to know I’ll have more friends when I die in a couple of months than when I lived and that is why I have it stipulated that my funeral will have a velvet rope and a doorman to only let certain people in.

Blink 182 is such an inspiration.  All their lyrics about getting blowjobs from your mom and grandfather and fucking dogs in the ass really struck a nerve and have saved me.  But seriously, is it so much to ask for a blowjob?

I always love when a girl I try to talk to stops me mid-sentence with, “You strike me as the type of guy who masturbates on Chatroulette in his spare time.”

Earth Day was sort of useless because all the commercials and use of the internet to get the word out increased electricity usage.  Also on Earth Day, Wind and Fire sit in the corner and pout and write emo rock for their side project.  Also the most impractical ways of celebrating Earth Day is by reusing condoms, reducing landfill size by dumping garbage in a lake, and turning off your lights and burning gasoline as a light source.  I celebrated Earth Day by not flushing after I peed and not washing my hands.  I also didn’t drive my car not because I didn’t want to emit gasses into the atmosphere but because I couldn’t afford gas. You’re welcome, environment.

How is there a Scary Movie 5 movie?  How is there a Grown Ups 2?  How are those movies made and an adaptation of Neil Gaiman’s “American Gods” not a movie?

I usually assume all people hate me until they tell me they like or love me and then I assume they’re lying.

I am the participation award personified.

I got thinking about the character Catwoman recently.  I think she picked “Catwoman” instead of“Dogwoman” because who wants to be a super bitch?

I think I may have to start eating at McDonald’s more often now that they offer alternatives to the Happy Meal such as the Apathetic Meal,the Existential Crisis Meal, and the Depressed Meal.

I haven’t had sex in such a long time that I’m pretty sure I could beat a gorilla in an arm wrestling match.

Whenever people say “friendzone” I think of a giant calzone that is so big you have to share it with friends.

I got kicked out of a mattress store today.  The salesman asked if I wanted to buy a mattress and I said I had my choices narrowed down to two.  He asked how long I needed to make my decision.  I said, “Well, I think I need to sleep on it.”  Apparently they hear that joke every ten minutes.

I think one of the reasons why I’m single besides the obesity and the poor health is that whenever a girl takes me to meet her parents I usually blurt out, “I’ve licked your daughter’s nipples.”  I’m not a bad boyfriend; I’m just a horrible person.

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t that big of a surprise.  You should wait a month or two after their birthday to surprise them. I’m expecting my friends to throw me one heck of a surprise party soon since most all of them forgot my birthday this year and there won’t be another.

I like to think that cats have their own internet and there are epic stories of how I create water and food and they post photos of me on Matturday.

Every guy thinks the perfect woman is 36-24-36.  That’s not true.  A perfect woman is 20-30-40.  She has the body of 20 year old, looks like a30 year old, and has sex like a 40 year old. She also has to consider me handing her her purse when the bill comes at a restaurant to be an act of chivalry.

I hate people who say “expresso”.  I hate people who say “ESSpresso”.  I also hate people.

If you can’t handle me at my worst then you won’t like me at my best since there’s really not much of a difference.

I sort of feel bad closing my browser after I’m done masturbating.  I probably should learn to cuddle afterwards.  I don’t usually masturbate more than once a day but when I do I’m overcome with happiness.

I asked my grandfather where babies come from and he took me to a carnival and showed me the game where you shoot water in the clown’s mouth until the balloon rises.

I finally figured out how to get people to stop showing me photos of their kids.  I simply whisper,“Oh fuck yeah that’s hot” after they show me photos.

I don’t always fantasize about stabbing people with a broken beer bottle but when I do it’s Dos Equis.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

Because everything will eventually be wireless you better tell extension cords and telephone poles how you feel now.

I think the reason I’m not married is because you can never settle down with a person who has ADHD.

Whenever I hear the term “terrorist” I can’t help but chuckle because I think that someone got that title as a promotion at a haunted house.  You think that’s not funny?  Well they want us to live in fear.  Laugh at them.  Mock them. Kick them in the balls.  I sort of wish Matt Damon and Ben Affleck caught those two and gave them a “remember me from kindergaden” beating.

I always wonder why they never made children’s vitamins featuring The Jetsons.  They’d have to have futuristic flavors because The Flintsone vitamins tasted like fossilized dinosaur shit.

I think Pizza Hut would do well in third world countries but they may have to change the name to Pizza Mansion.

I’ve always wanted to try a handshake.  You know, a milkshake flavored like hands.

“On your marks get set go,” is a run on sentence.

Sometimes I think the reason some of my family is Jewish is because they were too cheap to buy the New Testament.  I’m as Jewish as Olive Garden is Italian.

My flashlight helps me see through the darkness.  My fleshlight helps me get through the dark times of life.

My girlfriend said we needed to become Facebook official with our relationship.  I suggested changing my status to “Completely Whipped”. I’m single if anyone is interested.

If it wasn’t for the right to assembly we’d live in a country without Legos.

There is no world scarier than one in which an Elvis impersonator trying to assassinate the U.S. president is on page three of the newspaper.

Since I’m not using my penis for sex I think I should use it for something suitable like a paperweight.

I’ve been told that I have diarrhea because of all the stress in my life.  I guess I really need to work through my shit.

Apparently the staff and patrons of IHOP aren’t appreciative of my interpretive dance of “She’s Got the Look”.

I keep trying to watch the movie “Lincoln”. It feels like I started it four score and seven years ago.

Time revealed it’s 100 most influential people of the year this week and for the 9^th straight year I’m number 101.

I’m like chicken pox to women.  They don’t want me but if they get me then they’re lucky they only have to have me once.

I never objectify women with nice asses.

When people tell me they “don’t want to get off on the wrong foot” with me I usually reply, “Please don’t try to get off on either of my feet, pervert.”

I have an addictive personality which is why I tend to stay away from drugs, banjos, and fruit.

I tried to follow my dreams but they blocked me on Xanga.

Lately I’ve felt my Xanga has sucked so much that I’ve thought about changing my name to “Hoover”.

It’s sort of funny how people go all mental over the Xanga front page about whether or not they get on the front page or not.  I’d hate to see how they’d act if they achieved anything in their real life.

Sometimes I think arguing with people on Xanga is as about as useful as explaining quantum physics to a potato.

New Xanga motto: Xanga is a great place to meet new friends and in your case so are insane asylums, prisons, and brothels.

Part of me says I should go to bed early so I can be healthy but the other part of me says I should stay up late and check Xanga because if I don’t I may miss something.  Guess which side wins.

Whenever there are fights on Xanga, I feel like I’m a maid and I’m listening to a husband and wife fighting while I clean the glassware and worry if there is any more Lemon Pledge.

New Xanga motto: Welcome to Xanga, be prepared to have someone write a 15 page essay in response to your last post accusing you of ableism.

You really have to plan what time you post on Xanga.  You could post and reveal the meaning of life and all the world’s secret but if you don’t post it at the right time all you’ll get are marriage proposals from Nigerian princesses.

Well it’s that time of the night where I transform myself from a sophisticated humor blogger to a hopeless train wreck.  Good night, everyone.

I made a list.

1. shared pictures on facebook that say “like if you what to save the kid with cancer"  WHO DOESN'T WANT TO SAVE CANCEROUS CHILDREN?!?!?!
2. having the urge to eat when I’m full
3. TBS constantly switching their schedule at night especially airing their original programming instead of reruns of The Office.
4. gas prices
5. The internet kills jokes in .005 seconds
6. The Beatles broke up and two of them are dead and Pink Floyd broke up and two of them are dead so there probably won't be any reunions.
7. This fucking weather, man, this fucking weather.  We had snow on Sunday.
8. This makes me think that we won't have spring and it will be 40 one day and then 90 the next.
9. I have to get some electrical work done for my air conditioner but I think if I do that it will snow again.
10. People who give their children assholish names
11. Whenever I wear a hat, no matter what, it makes my hair go crazy. 
12. I haven't known a woman in the biblical sense in a long time
13. Olive Garden claiming they are Italian
14. Everything I love dies
    
15. My exgirlfriend walking past my house every day.  I know it's because she's going to the library but she loved making me hurt back in the day so why not now.
16. Black jelly beans
17. Redd's Apple Ale...only because it doesn't taste like alcohol and really sneaks up on you.
18. Duck Phillips...seriously that guy is a fucking douche.  When he turned his dog loose the look that dog gave him...it broke my heart.
19. I'm never sure when it’s appropriate to use “xxxx” or “xx”
20. I can’t ever say “xxx” because xxx refers to pornos and I don't want people thinking I'm a pervert
21. Porn buffering time...yeah, I'm a pervert
22. Couples who make out in public.
23. That weird time in South Park where Mr. Garrison got a sex change and then went lesbian and everything was just completely fucked up for like a season and a half
24. I never had Disney Channel as a kid and I totally feel lost.
25. Night Train Express
26. Almost dying in a way I have feared for the longest time
27. That way is dying while on the toilet.  It's so undignified.  I passed out from blood loss.
28. My body.  They don't know what's wrong with me.  I sit on my toilet and it's like turning on a spigot that dispenses blood.  I lost so much that yeah I got dizzy and passed out.
29. Sitting on my testicles.
30. Shaving
31. It's nearly impossible to find shoes in my size and even harder finding socks.
32. I have 6 cheap mp3 players but still won't break down and buy an iPod because I won't become an Apple zombie.
33. Netflix for taking shows and movies off their streaming feature.  Now I'll have even less time on here while I try to watch all of Trailer Park Boys.
34. Cream Soda
35. The root beer I like isn't sold in cans or bottles.  You can only buy it at bars or restaurants.  They do make mini-kegs but I haven't seen one in this state in over a year.
36. I just sat on my testicles once again
37. Magazines suck and have nothing the internet doesn't offer.
38. I am really in the mood for cunnilingus but alone tonight.
39. My ear piercings are pretty much healed over
40. My eyebrow piercing is pretty much healed over
41. Cheese pizza...it serves no purpose.  Macaroni and cheese pizza is a different story
42. The kids who decide to walk past my house to and from the bus stop and decide my yard is a garbage can.
43. The Amish who clip-clop past my house at 4:30AM
44. I have done nothing productive in hours.
45. Those "Pickin' On" cover albums.
46. Sucking at keeping friendships
47. Candy companies that feel the need to put caramel in everything
48. Waitresses who flirt with me and then once I pay and leave my tip they act like they don't know who I am.
49. Fast food places don't sell decent hotdogs.
50. Xanga not working and Xanga Team not addressing our concerns.

Please, Doctor, fix it.

Time for some drinking.

I'll put the yellow cake in the basket.

LIKE!

Then once they are born we can send our armed babies on an invasion of North Korea.

'murkia

Thank god for Netflix

I love that big chain pharmacies sell tobacco products.  Walgreen's was the only place where I could get my filterless Luckies.

I have that sign on my bed.


Geology 101

Happy Earth Day!  How did you celebrate?

Smile! Somebody out there loves you. On second thought, don't smile. (my horoscope for the week)