If you ever feel like you’re a bad driver just remember that in 1895 there were only 2 cars in the state of Ohio and that those two drivers crashed into each other.

I don’t get how people say accents are hot.  Everyone has an accent whether you realize it or not.

My parents never gave me “the talk”.  I still have no clue where my penis goes.  I’m suspecting it’s supposed to go to Fargo.

I was sitting at breakfast the other day with a glass of o.j. and came to the realization that the best kind of o.j. is the kind that doesn’t try to kill me and get away with it.

I prefer natural girls. Girls who don’t wear a lot of make-up. Girls whose diet consists of mostly soil and mulch.  Maybe they have a deer for a steed.  Girl who still use primitive flint based weapons.  Girls who have never used alighter or match to start a fire.

The older I get the more I understand why parents put their kids on leashes.

Dr. Phil, Dr. Dre, Dr. Oz, Dr. Pepper, and Dr. Who all got their PhDs from the same school and were all roommates.

I’ve often wondered if people check my blog to see if I’m still alive.

Sometimes I think that if I sigh loudly enough that all my problems will go away.

If you plant a block of Ramen noodles in the ground and water it with Bud Light you’ll grow a frat boy or sorority girl.

I like my women like I like my chocolate, filled with peanut butter.

I think that instead of petitioning the government to do something or stop doing something we should write a diss track because diss tracks are the only thing that matters any more and they are far more effective in the hip-hop community.

Ladies, us guys only want one thing from you…your credit card number.

I wish I had Morgan Freeman’s voice.  If I did I would follow random people around narrating everything they did and when they looked like they were annoyed I’d just move on to another person.

You can’t make fun of me for the things I like because I like nothing.

Sarcasm is my romance language.  Yeah, sarcasm charms the panties off the ladies.

I’m so fat and ugly that I bet gay guys have more sex with women than I do.

I go to Burger King so I can substitute onion rings for French fries.  I go to the bar to substitute alcohol for the ability to emotionally connect to people.

When someone asks where you’re from never answer, “my mom’s uterus”.  They tend to frown on things like that.

My grandfather once told me that I should never marry a woman with large hands because it would make my dick look small when she held it.  I sure had a lot to learn when I was7.

Have you ever noticed that smelly people look like they even smell in photos?

You can tell Olive Oyl and Popeye never had sex based on how large Popeye’s forearms were.

Sometimes when I see all the empty scotch bottles, bags of chips, Twix wrappers, Skittles wrappers, and pill bottles, I wonder how I’m even alive.

I was at the grocery store and a lady informed me that my fly was down.  I replied, “Why do you think it’s down?  Why should it be so sad?  Would you like to cheer it up?”  I got slapped.

If I had to pick one day to live, I’d pick today because it feels like an eternity.

In today’s day and age the best revenge you can get on an ex is by turning them into an internet meme.

I have two stand-up gigs that I’m not so certain I’ll perform well at.  The first is at a cricket reunion and the other is at a tumbleweed convention.  How will I know they like me?

I expect more out of people than I probably should.  Is it so demanding to ask people to bring me a case of Crystal Pepsi when they come to visit me?

I’ve started making my own art.  I combine my horrible farting with glue and glitter.  I think it’s performance art but every art critic says it’s “artsy-fartsy”.

I have a feeling that if gay marriage were legalized throughout America that the number of fraud marriages would skyrocket and that single guys would marry just like “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” just for health benefits and also to get out of marrying chicks.  That makes no sense.  I need more sleep.

You know it’s funny how many people say “forever alone” and yet have love while I sit here making my stomach fat talk.

When I was with my last girlfriend she wanted me to get some baby carrots for our supper but I didn’t hear her say carrots so I came back with a baby.  She was furious because she was really looking forward to carrots.  I was upset because I was out a couple hundred bucks.

Did you know saying “April Fools” when the police come to arrest you for phoning in bomb threats will get you out of trouble?

I think the smile is a dying art.  I bet in 50 years people will make duckfaces at each other when they’re happy.

It’s awesome how much people compliment my butt.  It seems like every time I go around a corner I hear people say, “What an asshole!”

I got so drunk the other night that I got pulled over for driving my race car bed.

The closest I’ve come to making any girl’s panties wet in along time is the time I cried at Victoria’s Secret.

The doctor told my girlfriend that the baby will be coming early.  Like father, like son.  I plan on naming him Methamphetamine because he’ll do nothing more than ruin my life. Oh a girlfriend…April Fools!

Have you ever noticed that the worst radio stations have the best reception?

I watched part of the finale to History Channel’s miniseries The Bible last night.  I can’t wait for next season’s premier.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

“You’re right I ordered the Code Red!”  -Jack Nicholson after the waiter messed up his Mountain Dew order.

My TV dinner was so sad that it came with a Bon Iver CD taped to the inside.

It’s taking longer and longer for me to realize I’m in a women’s restroom.

I have nice clothes but I don’t wear them because I have no one to impress.

I sometimes wonder if Bruce Springsteen really was born in the USA.  I think we need to demand the right to see his birth certificate.

Any other struggling writers out there just remember that humans wrote the movie Manimal.

I got stuck behind an extreme couponer at the grocery store the other day.  What a fascinating hobby that I unwillingly observed for a half hour!

Can I touch your butt? Before you say “yes” I’m going to have to have you fill out this permission slip.

You know those T-Mobile commercials with the girl wearing leather?  I’d punch out my parents for just one whiff of those leathers.

Does the nutritional information on the Cap’n Crunch box include the amount of skin that is shredded from the inside of your mouth when you eat their product?  Seriously, it’s like eating shards of glass…delicious shards of glass WITH CRUNCHBERRIES!

I truly feel blessed in America where my government protects me from the evils of gay marriage so I can go and buy assault rifles because one day I may be the last thing standing between the enemy and the total collapse of America.  Sigh…it’s like my gay friend always says,“Why can’t you just call me your friend?”

I’ve toyed with the idea of signing up for the Netflix home service as well.  I’d keep the DVDs for myself and send back DVDs of me doing kick-ass karate moves.

I’m pretty sure Hitler started WWII because so many time travelers were going back in time in an attempt to kill him.

I woke up this morning and tried to style my hair and picture myself with a different haircut but said, “Fuck it!  This is the haircut I’m going to have until the day I die.”

Will losing my mind help me with losing weight?

Who wants to see my penis?

My April Fools prank this year was being nice.

I turned down free ice cream and free sex.  I must be really sick

I ate a chocolate bunny and 2 hours later I pooped it out.  It was the same exact shape but it tasted much different.

On bad days, which is most every day, any time someone talks to me it sounds like adults on Charlie Brown.

Does anyone know how to get Paas color dye out of your pubes?  I’m asking for my friend Ttam.

This chick at the bar thinks my name is Marshall Tucker and she wants to take me home so she can get my fire on her mountain.  I am so scared.

I’m like a bear but not in that I sleep for long amounts of time but because that one time I mauled a guy in the Alaskan wilderness.

I think that if the Supreme Court rules against Prop 8 and DOMA that means NBC has to bring back My 2 Dads.

I have a better shot of getting Vin Diesel to come out of the closet at my Fourth of July barbecue this year than the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series.

The Dallas Cowboy signed Tony Romo to a six year contract extension and have committed to sucking for at least another six seasons.

I’m writing a letter to my senators, is it more proper to say “massive erection,” “throbbing rager,” or “overpowering boner”? I want to sound professional.

And the police said, “The EX ratings are coming from inside your house.”

Attention people who go around Xanga correcting grammatical mistakes: you’re grammatical ability pays the bills just like all my swag does.

I’ve found that people on Xanga who claim to be tolerant of everyone and everything are the first people to give you shit and cause drama if you have a differing opinion.

I have now figured out why there is Xanga drama.  Reading comprehension is horrendous and some products of the public school system cannot read their way out of a paper bag.  Seriously, it’s bad.  I’ve heard adults sounding out words like they’re in first grade and I’ve experienced people on Xanga not being able to understand my comments even though I clearly state my position in the comment.  It’s really disturbing.  If adults are this bad, what is the next generation going to be like?  Whole language can tongue my balls.

“Thank you for stating your opinion on Xanga.” –no one

I think people enjoy watching drama play out on Xanga because they don’t have much of a life outside the internet.  Well it’s time to log into my other account and write about how Obama is the worst president ever and how Nixon was truly underrated.

I bet if Xanga tried hard enough we could make Henry Rowengartner drama.  A baseball and Xanga joke in one.  Choke on that, Derek Jeter!

Xanga is a slideshow of mental breakdowns.

Once again I haven't been around here much.  I guess life sucks and gets in the way but mostly it's because Xanga sucks.  If it's not rating system it's photos not working.  I wonder if the hamster got off the wheel.  Anyway, I didn't reply to comments on your last assignment because I think that's when I walked away because Xanga Team's silence is so frustrating.  It's like they are going out of their way to push people away. And if anyone cares and is still around...

here's your next assignment:

A.
  
   Why or why not?

B.
  
  Which would you pick?  Why?

C. 
 
  Why or why not?

Make sure you answer two of the three questions and that you answer everything in the particular question.  Answer everything for extra credit.

Get to work!