May 1, 2013

• Motivation

  This just in: screaming profanities at an empty text editor will not write posts for you.

  When you read this voice, try to read it in Forrest Gump’s voice and then you’ll pretty much be at my level.

  Remember when the word “special” was used as a compliment.

  “Sorry, not sorry” has replaced Miranda Rights in 2013.

  Jokes complaining about other jokes are the least funny type of jokes and probably unfunnier than the jokes you are complaining about to begin with so quit making fun of “chicken road crossing jokes”.

  You can’t touch music but you can touch boobs so I guess that’s better.

  Some people use mass in calculations to find energy and others go to mass to have the energy drained out of them.

  I wish MSNBC would have a real news flash…Rachel Maddow exposing her breasts.

  I hate when people say “words cannot express how I feel”.  That’s such a slap in the face of words.  Words can express whatever you want them to.  Sure you may have to put thought into it but that’s why words were invented, dog-gong it.

  I usually classify myself as an optimist but not a “The Hangover 3 is going to be good” optimist.

  I am such a cruel teacher. When I make scantron tests I make the answers “A-C-D-C” in a continuous loop.

  Blood is thicker than water. Motor oil is thicker than blood. Cherish you car more than your family and eliminate those who object.  Chevy runs deep.  You can lead your horse to water but if you want your horse to crush the competition then you better lead your horse to Gatorade.  Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s white male privilege.  Buy 2, get both!  God, all that Mad Men has made me start thinking of new slogans for businesses.

  Why is it that movies that have stories involving strippers are insistent on a plot line?

  Whenever I listen to Radiohead I feel like I’m staring into the abyss and the abyss is staring back and is playing some sweet-ass tunes.

  I like going to the Catholic church for confession and describing movies to the priest.  It’s always interesting how many Hail Marys and Our Fathers I get for the Batman movies.

  I’m pretty sure the next Jurassic Park movie will be in 4D.  They’ll release dinosaurs into the theater and you have to see if you can survive for two hours.

  I think I’d make a pretty good parent because my parents have given me plenty of lessons on how not to be a parent.

  “Satisfaction” by Benny Benassi is very awkward to listen to because it sounds like Stephen Hawking talking dirty.

  I once met Eminem and it was pretty awkward.  His palms were sweaty and his knees were weak and his arms were heavy.  If I remember correctly he also had vomit on his sweatshirt already.

  Married people talking about their spouse, love, and children in front of a single person is torture and needs to be outlawed by the Geneva Convention.

  You know your life is pathetic when your parents suggest you try eharmony or match.com or Plenty of Fish or Farmers Only or Fuckbook.

  I was at a school doing my schtick and this teacher had in a lesson plan that the class would listen to traditional Indian music because they were studying India.  The first song on the CD was “Paper Planes”by M.I.A.  I felt like it was really time for me to leave this planet.

  My life has sunk to new lows…listening to polka music while looking at porn.  I must say that it makes the porn more delightful and rhythmic.

  I want to get a motorcycle just so girls will pose semi-nude in front of it.  Seriously, have you ever seen a motorcycle without a scantily clad woman next to it?  It doesn’t exist, especially not in my Easy Rider magazines.

  I’m an ugly guy but I’d make a pretty attractive chimpanzee.

  The often say that real women have curves.  I’m not sure about that but I do know that real women have retractable claws and communicate via echolocation.

  I’d like to think of my writing as poignant and inspiring but most of the time it comes off as weird and whiny.

  Have you ever stopped to think that money is just pieces of paper with meaningless numbers printed on them? When you realize this and want to give away your meaningless paper, send me an email so I can send you my address so I can help you get rid of your meaningless paper.

  Whenever someone calls me “cool” I can’t tell if they are saying that I’m actually cool or that I’m a constipated overrated outcast loser.  I hate my love of acronyms sometimes.

  I think school’s should drop teaching cursive handwriting and teach Japanese or Chinese writing characters so they will be able to know what their character tattoos actually say in the future.

  Why is America still fighting the war on drugs?  It’s not like drugs have any oil.

  There is no “I” in “denial”

  Do people who claim they get high on life ever have overdoses when they have really good days?

  I have heard mixed stories about how well porn pays because I’ve wanted to start my own production company. I asked a friend who worked in the industry and she said that only people who film anal sex scenes make a butt-load.

  I went to the liquor store the other night and some kids asked me to buy them some beer.  I was a responsible adult and lectured them because they asked me to get them Bud Light.

  I hate it when people make a big deal out of something that is small unless it’s my penis.

  The fastest way to a girl’s heart is by watching King of Queens reruns and interpretive dance.

  I only watch porn to evaluate the camera angles for artistic and aesthetic merit.

  And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  My hidden agenda is that I need to find it because it’s hidden.

  I can’t write swear words in cursive.

  I can’t believe Michael Richards wasn’t in Django Unchained.

  My favorite baseball team named after a militia that was created to raid, rob, rape, and murder Native Americans is the Texas Rangers.

  I need a Harley.  All the guys I saw on Harleys today were fat slobs like me and they all had drop dead gorgeous women with them.  This one stuck out and I’m still picturing her. She must’ve been six feet tall and 5 feet of that were her legs.  I’m a sucker for long legs.  The rest of her was boobs.  I’m not a good judge of bra size so I’m guessing anywhere from D to H cup.  I think she was also a size zero.  And black hair.  I’m out of hand lotion.  Damn.

  Apparently I look shady. I was sitting in my SUV eating some lunch before I went into a huge hardware chain store.  This old guy pulled up across from me in his truck. He and his wife get out and then he makes eye contact with me.  He then said to his wife, “I think I should lock up.”  He locked all the doors manually and then he double-checked to make sure they were locked.  He even locked his tailgate and truck cab window.  I was impressed.  It’s an awesome feeling inspiring fear like that instead of a cat jumping back when I pop my head around a door.

  It got up to 90F here today. Tomorrow the forecasted high is supposed to only be 45F.  Just when my testicles come out for summer the vas defrans pulls them back in.  I'm glad they didn't use that line in The Godfather movie.

  I was watching Netflix and found this cooking show where the chef was making pot au chocolat.  It was essentially baked chocolate pudding. I got inspired and wanted some so I went out and bought some chocolate pudding snack packs.

  I told a girl that I invented life insurance.  She believed me.  I don’t think I can be with a girl who thinks I invented life insurance.

  There’s something magical about going to Walmart and hearing Nickelback on the in-store radio and then hearing Creed right after.

  I saw this woman crying in Walmart.  I thought I’d be a gentleman and console her.  I didn’t bother asking what made her cry so I said, “There, there, I too cried when I found out Walmart stopped carrying Frank’s Red Hot flavored Pringles.”

  I bought some red, white, and blue licorice.  I have mixed feelings.  If I eat it does that mean I'm a terrorist because I'm devouring America?

  I recently applied for a new job.  I didn’t get it.  I applied to be a stripper.  Apparently they weren’t ready for my act.  They really didn’t understand my dancing to “Da Da Da” by Trio.  I was shocked they weren’t blown away by my set to the music of Celine Dion.  You should’ve seen how everything flopped around when she hit those powerful notes in “My Heart Will Go On”.  I also had another dance where I stood in place and didn’t move my feet.  The song I did that routine to was “You Spin Me Right Round”.  Please don’t use your imagination.

  My girlfriend wanted me to get her one of those Build-a-Bears.  It was like $50.  I thought that was a tad steep for a stuffed animal.  I just snuck into her room and tore up a teddy bear her grandfather gave her and told her to put it back together.

  Have you ever noticed that on the Scooby Doo cartoon that the only real paranormal activity the gang ever encountered was a talking dog?

  Why buy the cow when you can buy hand lotion at Walmart?

  I refuse to pay full price for donuts because they always have holes in them.

  I have no idea what the word “illuminated” means.  Could someone shed some light on it?

  I can’t wait for the day on Xanga when I have posts older than my followers.

  You know I got thinking. Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr have garnered a lot of popularity in recent days and many new accounts were created because the Boston bombing suspect supposedly had accounts on all those mediums.  People want to be his friend on all of those networks. It’s so weird.  Maybe Xanga could negotiate with some terrorists to use Xanga. At least they could convince Westboro Baptist members to start Revelife blogs.

  I think the person who coined the term “same shit, different day” was talking about Xanga.  Wait, have I already done that joke?

  Xanga is the only place where you can find people arguing about religion on a post about snowboarding.

  Every time someone says some insane shit on Xanga I find myself looking for a camera so I can make a sarcastic face like on The Office.

  Hey, everyone, I have this really awesome way to avoid Xanga drama.  First, don’t click on links written by people with whom you have differing opinions.  Second, don’t comment on that site.  Third, don’t recommend it.  Finally, scroll to another site preferably someone who posts positive things.  It’s just that simple and if you follow that you can enjoy Xanga and be cool.

  I was talking about Xanga to my dad and he’s convinced that someone is going to come and kill me.  I reassured him that no one on Xanga leaves their rooms just like me.

  Does this Xanga account make me look like a virgin?

  There are people on Xanga that I think are vampires but instead of feeding on blood, they feed on attention from strangers on the internet and drama.

  Listening to people gossip about other Xangans is like listening to dogs barking at each other. It’s pointless.  Get outside and get some air.

  I wish people followed me on Xanga because they like what I write and not because I have a massive penis.

  Is Xanga a blogging site or a communist dating site?  No one ever briefed me on this.

  I hope this post motivates me to start replying to people...sorry.

  • 9:48 PM
  • 23 Comments