May 8, 2013

• Motivation

  I'm so happy that former Teen Mom Farrah Abraham released her porn tape.  It now shows that teen girls that teen pregnancy is glamorous and will get you paid by MTV and then you can get into acting after you are no longer a teen.

  I really want to go to a restaurant that Gordon Ramsay helps on Kitchen Nightmares or Hell’s Kitchen itself because I’m not convinced he’s swearing.  I think he’s talking about fishing and shipping.

  I think it’s time that Congress did something productive.  They need to have hearings to determine whether or not professional wrestling is real or scripted.

  Sometimes I think if I was a woman I’d use my vagina as a coin purse or for extra storage like for lipstick or an iPhone.  I’d keep them there when I didn’t need them.

  Apparently cheetahs are really sensitive and nervous animals.  They are so nervous that some won’t breed because they are intimidated by the wild cheetah sex and they end up never getting laid and dying alone. After all these years on this planet and questioning who I am I have finally figured out that I’m a cheetah.

  April showers bring may flowers and what do may flowers bring?  PILGRIMS!  And what do pilgrims bring?  Death to Native Americans.

  Sometimes it seems that my blog is literally me talking to myself with an audience.  Crap…I’ve become Jeff Dunham.

  I made a bukkake joke around a friend this weekend.  She didn’t know what it was so her solution was to google it.

  There’s a Chinese buffet a few towns over that only plays one song on a continuous loop.  It’s“Happy Birthday”.  Apparently someone had a birthday party there and asked if they could play that song and now the rest is history.

  The main thing I’ve learned from celebrity tabloid magazines is that the true talent of female celebrities is how fast she can lose weight after having a baby.

  Remember the 00s? Remember watching helplessly as your country descended into a bloodthirsty war frenzy and everyone was yelling about supporting troops or getting them out of war?  Remember Spongebob?

  I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke.

  STOP THE NRA!  (That’s the National Randy Jackson Association. There is absolutely no need for such a thing and he needs to be banned from American Idol.)

  It’s sort of sad that I’ll never be as popular as the girls in “2 Girls, 1 Cup” or the girl who sucked on her tampon.

  “Born in the USA”is probably my favorite song about being born in the USA.

  Back last month during the North Korean missile crisis, North Korea was basically a teenager with a skateboard loitering outside a convenience store and the UN was the crusty old store manager who doesn’t like seeing cool skateboard tricks.

  So often I want to be like Martin Luther and post something revolutionary but I usually settle for writing 95 reasons why someone is a douchebag and then I staple it to their forehead.

  Ladies, I am a polite gentleman.  I will hold doors open for you.  I’ll open the car door for you.  I’ll carry you over puddles.  I’ll bring you flowers.  I’ll shower you with compliments after I shower myself with soap and water.  I’llpolitely ask if I can fondle your breasts. I am a gentleman.

  A radio station near me once had a disgruntled employee and he programmed a continuous loop of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Sweet Home Alabama”for an entire day.  No one seemed to notice because most radio stations only have four songs in their rotation.

  I think the best way to weigh yourself is when you are naked.  I just wish they understood at the pharmacy.

  I once worked as a waiter and one of my first customers was a vampire.  He ordered a steak and I asked how he’d like it and he said, “Not wooden and nowhere near my heart.”

  I think the reason I sleep on my stomach is because subconsciously I think I’m a superhero and my blanket is my cape.

  I once suggested a student read Howard Zinn’s “A People’s History of the United States”.  That student came to tell me how much they enjoyed the book after class and they said, “Mr. Awesome, that book was the bomb.  When I got to the part about Columbus and the Native Americans, I was all like ‘Oh hell no, Christopher Columbus with your stank ass.’”

  I sometimes will look back on my life and have a hard time believing about things that have happened. I question if it really happened because some events are just really out there like going to school with a crime fighter named Checkerman to getting a job application from a guy named Christ who was dressed in drag. I know this isn’t a joke and if you don’t like it let me know so I can block you because my brother was saved by Checkerman when the evil Chessmaster took him hostage but he was later killed by the Monopoly Man, who was driving the thimble while drunk.

  Whatever happened to Dane Cook?  Did he die? Must be, since his career sure did. If there is one thing that Dane Cook has taught us it’s that using a curse word every other word in a sentence it’s hilarious.

  If people ask me to do something and I say, “No problem,” it’s usually because I’m being polite and that’s a better thing to say than“that was inconvenient and I won’t point it out because if I do you’ll call me a cunt.”

  The best part about the internet is that no matter what you think there is some idiot out there that agrees with you.  I’m happy I found my “The center of the Earth is made of marshmallows and barbecue ribs” support group.

  If someone uses the word “gay” in a way that doesn’t refer to homosexuality and no one around is offended is it still offensive?

  When I go to the movies, I never have to worry about putting my phone on silent because no one ever calls or texts me.

  I got kicked out of Walmart because I gave myself a genital exam.  I guess I misunderstood the concept of a self-checkout lane.

  If any of you forgot to get your mom something for Mother’s Day it’s not too late to get her a good gift. Just put the toilet seat down.

  I remember the time my girlfriend bought Chicago Cubs pajamas.  I never scored after she bought them.  We were really into S&M.  She always slept and I masturbated.

  And now here's your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Have you ever noticed how racist TV is?  When white girls get pregnant, they get an entire season of “16 and Pregnant” on MTV, but when black girls get pregnant, they’re lucky to get 5 minutes on Maury.

  Nothing says “this marriage won’t last” quite like a Walmart engagement ring…I buy all my engagement rings at Walmart.

  I once googled “what women want” and my computer crashed.

  If Ghost Hunters ever visited my house, I’d be afraid of what the old lady who walks around my upstairs tells them I do when I’m alone and oiled up.

  I sometimes think that some people only watch NASCAR for the fiery crashes and the subsequent commemorative plates.

  I still haven’t forgiven my 1^st grade teacher who sent that note home to my parents that said I had a problem with holding grudges.

  I used to think obesity wasn’t an epidemic in America but then I realized we have flavored floss.

  Real life conversation: “Hey, godfather, did you know that Ron Jeremy has his own rum?”  “Yeah, I knew that, it’s called Ron de Jeremy rum.” “I wonder how it goes down.” “Probably on itself.”  That was quite an awkward car ride with my mom after that.

  Did you know that 40% of America’s annual tree harvest ends up as Mother’s Day cards for Michelle Duggar?

  I can’t believe people are against gay marriage because if you want people to stop having gay sex then you let them get married.

  I think the reason why I don’t sleep with many women is because I have insomnia.

  Do public speakers at nudist colonies picture people in the audience with clothes on?

  I have reached the point in my life where I am comfortable with being uncomfortable.

  Whenever I hear someone say “How do you like me now,” I usually answer, “Even less now.

  You should be able to mark people as spam.

  If I treated people how I wanted to be treated I’d spend all day giving strangers oral sex.

  I still think Breaking Bad will end with Bryan Cranston’s character being dropped into Witness Protection and being in Malcolm in the Middle.  How else do you describe Hal’s erratic behavior in that show?

  They call a group of lions a pride.  They call a group of my family members an embarrassment.

  I don’t get why girls say “you’ll never find another girl like me” when I break up with them. Isn’t that the point?

  Now that I’m single the label on my porn folder says “porn” instead of the usual “vegan recipes”.

  If I ever offend you, make sure you email me a list of your grievances or tag me in a post so I can print it out and wipe my ass with it.

  I think I take compliments as well as a vending machine takes wet, crumpled dollar bills.

  Pick-up line destined for failure: “Girl, there’ll be eight planets after I destroy Uranus and for the sake of numbering, Pluto will always be a planet to me.”

  I bet there are people running around Hollywood pitching the idea for a Great Gatsby sequel where he comes back as a zombie.

  My daughter Jenna thinks I’m addicted to porn so I asked my son Jameson what he thinks.

  My girlfriend is like the square root of a negative number…imaginary.  MATH JOKE!

  Being popular on Xanga is sort of like owning a lot of property in Monopoly.

  I think Xanga needs a “I want to lick your genitals” button because the rec and eprops are not enough.

  I once heard someone say they came to Xanga to find a soulmate.  I suggested she straddle a speaker and listen to Barry White.

  I’m glad I have Xanga for self-validation because I would’ve been a horrible stripper.

  New Xanga motto…Xanga: where you get to relive your childhood rejection and acceptance issues all over again.

  New Xanga motto…Xanga: Escape the idiots you know in real life to be surrounded by idiots you don’t know.

  Is it me or does anyone else think that Xanax should be the official sponsor of Xanga?

  Xanga has saved me from a horrible “keeping my thoughts to myself” addiction.

  Some people use Xanga like they are campaigning to be the next Dali Lama.

  I am thankful for my mom and was happy to tell her that on Mother’s Day.  Without her, I wouldn’t have all these issues that make me hilarious.

  I was amazed that when I was gone for that time period awhile back I lost friends here.  What could I possibly be doing to piss you off if I’m not even posting?

  When is Xanga prom?

  If there was a Xanga school/university, they’d probably have to do what they do at Apple sweatshops in China and put nets under the windows to stop people from trying to escape or commit suicide.

  Good night everyone and by “goodnight” I mean I’ll probably be up for another two hours or so contemplating life and by “contemplating life” I mean I’ll probably watch some porn and jerk off.

  • 7:55 PM
  • 26 Comments