May 15, 2013

• Motivation

  I’m thinking of inventing a messaging service like Carfax.  It will send you the number of times the previous owner of a car had sex inside of it.  I’m thinking of calling it Carfux.

  If Jimmy cracked corn, then why should I care? I don’t know Jimmy.I don’t know his life and if he wants to crack corn, then why shouldn’t he? Who am I to stand in the way of this man and his corn cracking?

  I hear Kevin Bacon makes a lot of money for his new TV show.  I guess he’s really bringing home the him.

  Cleveland police have been ordered to take a mandatory class to notice differences of photos of their asses and holes in the ground.

  I wonder if when Dr. Kermit Gosnell was declared guilty if he did “Kermit arms” when the verdict was read.

  I hope all the moms out there had a good Mother’s Day.  It’s a shame there’s not a day like that ford ads.

  I would also like to send my deepest regards to all you up against the wall redneck mothers.

  My Mother’s Day was strange because my mom sat me down, took off her hair to reveal it was a wig and that she was actually Tyler Perry.

  Dear Hallmark, please put out a line of MILF Mother’s Day cards.  Sincerely, Oedipus.

  My mom used to say that if you can’t say something nice about someone then they’re probably an asshole.

  I’m pretty sure this Mother’s Day, LL Cool J’s mom asked him to knock out Brad Paisley.

  I can’t believe anyone had unprotected sex with my dad.

  I hope my mom doesn’t get the symbolism of flowers being taken out of a place where they lived and put in a sterile vase until they die.

  I hope the jizz in my nuts one day gives me expensive things on Father’s Day.

  And your mom has now forgotten.

  I passed a finger gun law that requires a background check before anyone can use them.  Sadly all requests have come back declined because this isn’t an 80s insurance agent convention.

  I woke up one morning to find my cats chewing on a box of my Fruit Loops.  I guess you could say they are cereal killers.  Oh and I also found a bunch of blood and human fingers and toes near where I keep their toys.

  Calling me an asshole is like calling water “wet” or Jennifer Lawrence “hot” or Lindsay Lohan “sociopathic criminal”.  These are things that are already known and don’t need discussion.

  The politically correct terms for someone who has dwarfism are “little person” and “shawty”.  I finally know what all those rappers are talking about.

  If you buy me sliders from White Castle then you possess my eternal love.  I probably shouldn’t say that because people will think I’m a slut for giving up my love just for some fast food.  But they’re so tasty.

  My life has had its share of bad moments but I suppose it could be worse.  I could be one of those guys that are obsessed with My Little Ponies.

  I was going to buy a safe but I was saddened to learn that I couldn’t afford one so I bought a dangerous and now I keep my valuables in a pile in my lawn.

  I love having the images of certain girls running through my mind all day.  I just hope they don’t trip over the bodies of people I’ve killed in my imagination.

  They say there’s plenty of fish in the ocean but not for me since I am standing in a desert.

  When people tell me that the Twilight books are much better than the Twilight movies, I think that’s the same as saying “dog shit tastes much better than horse shit.”  Either way you’re still dealing with shit.

  If you believe ethnic stereotypes are true then you’re dumber than the Polish.

  1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness.  If you look around and don’t see four other people that means they’re out having fun and you’re stuck reading this.

  You remember that one Toby Keith song about drinking and America?  No, not that one but the other one.  No, not that one either.  The other one, the one about killing all people that aren’t “normal” color or Christian. Politicians shouldn’t be allowed to exploit the death of innocent people from terrorist attacks for their own gain. That’s Toby Keith’s job.

  I had a friend who was a Jehovah’s Witness and he tried to  tell me a knock-knock joke.  He got pissed off when I ignored him.

  Do you know how professional sports athletes pick the number on their jerseys?  It’s how many people they’ve murdered.

  Why is it “swishy” when Morrissey cavorts about the desert in a sheer black shirt in the video for “November Spawned a Monster” but when Glen Danzig does it on an every day basis it’s considered “fucking awesome”?  Please help me answer this because I’m in an argument with a pastor.

  Hardee’s will be renaming all their hamburgers “Zuckerburgers” because they’re skinny, ugly, and cost a fortune.

  My former girlfriend never liked surprise anal sex and she always warned me that some day it would happen to me.  Well that day happened when I tripped on a rake and landed on a lawn dart.

  If you were wondering what I did this weekend besides unsuccessful fishing and giving myself a concussion, it was writing an unnecessary sequel to Semi-Pro.

  My dad was trying to look up porn online but somehow he wound up posting his searches on Craigslist.

  I’m allergic to latex but I use latex condoms every time I have sex because it makes my penis swell up. The only drawback is that every time I have sex I go to the hospital.

  Summer time at Walmart is like going to a Hedonism resort just with fewer teeth.  It’s amazing how little clothing some people wear in public.

  True love means never having to say “excuse me” when you fart.

  There aren’t enough songs about love.  We need more!

  They say silence is golden and this is probably why diamonds are a girl’s best friend.  Speaking of silence, a lot of guys say that they like blowjobs from their girlfriend or wife because it gives them silence.  If your lady is silent during a blowjob then she’s doing it wrong.

  I could probably go vegetarian if I was really self-disciplined about it but I could never go vegan because a life without cheese is a life I really don’t want to live.

  And now your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  I have an idea for a TV show where all these girls sit around just eating popsicles, lollipops, bananas, and ice cream cones.  Hollywood,hit me up!

  If life handed me a shotgun and a bottle of whiskey instead of lemons, life and I would be good friends.

  I need to invent time travel quickly because I just came up with some great ALF jokes.  I could’ve extended that series by another 5 years.

  My girlfriend wanted to play doctor so I diagnosed her as having a coma and then I went to the strip club.

  Girls, if your guy goes to Jared to buy you jewelry then you better dump him because you deserve jewelry from a place that doesn’t have annoying TV commercials.

  I have a feeling that there’s a person somewhere in the world that has a vagina tattooed inside his masturbating hand.

  I accidentally got my testicles stuck in my zipper again.  That is the last time I ever wear boots with zippers.

  Sleeping alone is twice as lonely in a bunk bed.

  I cheated on my SATs in high school.  When I was taking them I got up and went to the bathroom and while in the bathroom I took my ACTs.

  Before Walmart, where did families wearing Stone Cold Steve Austin t-shirts go to practice yelling each other’s names?

  This summer my goal is to impress the ladies more with my hairy chest than all the hair sticking out of my Speedos.

  What if the final episode of The Office it is revealed that Creed was actually Dr. Sam Beckett on an extended Quantum Leap mission?

  Whenever someone texts me “K”, I text back “Potassium” and then I go masturbate furiously to a picture of the periodic table.  No, no one ever texts me.

  I hear based on the success of The Great Gatsby, Baz Lurhman is going to do a movie about “A Tale of Two Cities” and it will star Busta Rymes and the first line of the movie will be, “It was the Busta Rhymes, it was the Worsta Rhymes.”

  Just once I would like to open a fortune cookie and have it say: “You and Prince will become the bestest of friends and you two will even have a super-secret handshake.”

  If you turn all the lights off in your bathroom and stare at the mirror and say “Benghazi” 3 times you will become a FOX News contributor. Oh and while I’m on Benghazi, why is this such a big deal but when during Bush’s term in office there were over a dozen attacks on consulates and embassies and hundreds of Americans died it’s not?  Also what about those WMDs?  Oh and Halliburton contracts?  Also if I had a dollar every time a conservative person tells me that they disagree with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan since Bush left office then I’d be Bill Gates.

  I’m glad there is an international sign for choking because I was always fearful of going to France and grabbing my throat and having them think I liked their turtlenecks.

  I was thinking of putting a webcam in my shower to make some extra money because I’m sure there are people out there that would want to see a fat guy showering.  The only bad part is that I could only sing public domain songs like “Jimmy Crack Corn” and then I’d go into a discussion with myself about Jimmy’s right to crack corn.

  I like when local car dealerships feature ads where the salesman show their children.  I refuse to buy a car from a virgin.

  I think I’m going to start lying on my resume because I’m pretty sure they won’t ask to measure my penis during an interview.

  I’ve lost a few friends on Xanga over the past few days but that’s OK because I’ve haven’t lost the most important friend…you.

  Women of Xanga, thanks for ruining real women for me.  You’re intelligent, funny, and beautiful and you’re willing to bare your boobs to cure cancer.  I love you so much.  I would jump into raging waters to rescue you if you were wearing matching bra and panties.

  The first rule of Xanga is if you can’t think of anything smart or funny to post about then make fun of those who have.

  Here’s a tip on how to use Xanga.  Do what you want to do and not what other people want you to do.  Also post photos of boobs to gain followers and talk about sex and kiss lots of ass and if all of that fails make multiple accounts pretending to be your family and have these accounts recommend everything you write.

  Just remember, some of you may be jealous that you appear on Top Blogs and have thousands of followers while those people could be jealous of you because you have a real life.

  Xanga is just like a playground.  There’s going to be bullies to kick sand in your face and ruin your fun.  Just block them and try to stay away from the creep who is masturbating in the bushes.

  Considering yourself to be popular on Xanga is like thinking you’re the sexiest person at the Laundromat.

  Don’t take insults on Xanga seriously.  More than likely you’re fighting with a 13year old kid on a Mountain Dew high and just because someone acts “immature”towards you doesn’t give you license to act that way to them.

  Xanga is one of my only life skills.

  I also regret to inform you that this will be my last post until my next post.

  • 4:50 PM
  • 22 Comments