May 22, 2013

• Motivation

  So here I am again.  I feel bad that I'm not more active but I'm trying to get better and well it's not working the best.  It's going slower than expected.  I keep writing and some of my stuff is rather strange lately.  I've been borrowing from posts I made a year ago.  It's sort of strange going back and reading things I wrote back then and realizing not much has changed.  I joke about being lonely and it's still that way.  I wrote a note the other night in my sleep and I have no clue what it means.  It said, "Girls only want doggy style sex from me because my breath smells of onions."  I don't get it.  I don't even eat onions anymore.  Then I had another note that said, "When the cherries are red they're ready for plucking.  When a girl turns 18 she's ready for" and that's where I stopped.  I have no clue where I was going with that.  Anyway, I'm still alive which is sort of more than I can say for Xanga.  I know it's lame to rip on this site but I've lost interest in using it regularly because it seems the Xanga Team has lost interest in it as well.  How long has the music not been working?  How long have photos not been working?  Why should we use this site when they don't bother fixing it?  So...here's another post.

  One of the best things I ever did to spice up my Monday was “accidentally” texting my mom this phrase: “Dude, we could go to jail for that.”

  I think I should be working for the IRS because I’d fit in because I hate certain groups and would discriminate against them accordingly.  No more tax exempt status for you vegans.

  I hate how Kobe Bryant and LeBron James keep getting compared to Michael Jordan.  There’s noway they can compare.  Now if they team up with Bugs Bunny, Bill Murray, and Newman to take on a group of space aliens then you can compare them but Kobe would have to be careful if the female bunny stuck her butt out near him and of course LeBron wouldn’t play against the aliens unless he had two other superstars with him so that way he could blame them if they lost.

  Do you know how strenuous it is being the only one who can prevent forest fires?  It’s no wonder I have ulcers.

  If you have a negative opinion of me, please don’t share it because I really don’t care.  IF you want to suck my dick, please email me…PLEASE!

  Can someone please tell me why people are so enthusiastic about the second amendment but any amendment about voting and other human rights gets left out.

  It’s always interesting when I tell people that when I was a child I didn’t see much children’s programming and they look at me like I had a horrible childhood because I missed out because the staple of it wasn’t a televised product designed by corporations and marketers.  And pardon me for finding the news more interesting than Cabbage Patch dolls.

  But if watching any kid’s programming taught me anything it was that if I dug a hole far enough a racist depiction of a Chinese man would greet me.

  Charmin toilet paper commercials piss me off because they have made their brand around a family of bears wiping their asses and I guess Charmin is also claiming they have answered the age old zen riddle “Do bears shit in the woods?”

  They should have something like Eurovision for the United States where all the states sing a song written by someone in their state except Illinois because Illinois sucks.  If it was a murder or corrupt politician contest then we’d allow Illinois to compete.

  Every beach is a nude beach when you have nothing left to lose.

  I have been researching the song “Cotton Eyed Joe” and I’ve come to the conclusion that the writer of the song was dealing with his father abandoning him because of the line “Where did you come from, where did you go”.

  I heard an advertisement that said, “If your mouth could talk it would ask for Cheetos”.  I think this is one of the worst slogans ever. What do we talk out of?  Our bellybuttons?  Our nostrils?  Also the only people that seemingly buy Cheetos are stoners so that will just confuse the hell out of them.

  I just found out that Bing can translate phrases into Klingon.  I figure nerds will use that just as soon as they figure out what Bing is.

  Girls, the bigger your boobs are the more creepers you get following you and the creepier they get. Now, who wants to send me nude pics so I can study for my anatomy test?

  It would be awesome to have a list of everyone who ever masturbated while thinking of me.  The only thing is I doubt there’d be any names on my list.

  Sometimes you just need your genitals massaged by someone’s mouth and right now is one of those times.

  Did you know that circuses are the number one form of entertainment in Japan?  Why else would they choose to make their flag a close-up of a clown’s face?

  I dream of a world where you can order a Bud Light and you get a low calorie strain of marijuana and not a glass of water.

  I’d like to see an episode of Maury where Luke Skywalker comes on wanting to find out who his father is and when Maury says Chewbacca isn’t the father then Chewbacca would do a wicked cabbage patch dance.

  I don’t know what to feel about watching a “Feed the Children” infomercial and seeing that if you send money they will send you at-shirt that is available in XXXL.

  I’ve always wanted to be surveyed for Family Feud so that when a question is “When is your bedtime,” you’ll be able to tell my answer.  It’s always going to be “Giant floppy donkey dicks”.

  Overheard at school: “Did you know Elton John wrote a song called “Candle in the Wind” and it’s about Marilyn Manson?”

  Sometimes I feel like a foreskin.  Cut off, forgotten, unwanted, and thrown away.

  I was in Walgreens the other day and saw that they had condoms in a section called “Family Planning”. It should be labeled “Family Preventing”.

  The NBA is considering lowering the hoop from 10ft. to 9ft.so that there can be more non-black players and the league will be diverse.

  The best part of waking up is that moment when you realize you cried yourself to sleep because the only person that seems interested in you is mentally handicapped and once threatened to stab you with a knife at a church function.

  I think that carving Mount Rushmore was impossible.  I bet that guy just discovered it and told people he carved it because come on.

  The Miami Heat could be playing a game against the Taliban and I’d cheer for the Taliban. 

  A gay guy, a black guy, and a Jew walk into a bar and the bartender asks, “What can I get for you gentleman” because that bartender isn’t some sort of dick that would deny service to people based on orientation, race,or religion.

  And now your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  I was thankful I finished everything on my “To Do” list today.  It was just a doodle of a bottle of beer and a set of breasts.  My “To Do”list for tomorrow seems tougher.  I have to tell my second-best friend that he’s really my third-best friend.

  I heard a girl say “chivalry is dead” this weekend.  She’s right. It pretty much died when girls started dating assholes.

  I was upset that the last time I visited Detroit no one challenged me to a rap battle.  Sure, I was shot at but no rap battles.  I had some mad rhymes about fettucini alfredo that I was going to spit out.

  I’m pretty sure people who listen to Jimmy Buffett listen to him because they are too lazy to listen to anything else.

  I love my reciprocating saw because it loves me and I love it and it loves me and I love it.

  I like to stab straws into boxes of wine because it makes me feel like a kid again and reminds me of drinking juice pouches.

  Something misogynistic.

  I think the best way to turn on a girl with a sext is to send her a photo of your credit card.

  I hate when girls complain about me having an ugly face.  You’re just going to sit on it so why do you need to look at it?

  One man's trash is another man's place to hide out for awhile until the police helicopter is done hovering over the block.

  My secret to losing weight this summer?  Driving around in my car for an hour without the air conditioning on and the windows rolled up.

  The first time you ever say “music is crap these days” you have become your parents.

  Is it alright for me to push a girl down the stairs if she’s wearing a slinky dress?

  I decided to put out a candy dish this past weekend.  The only bad part was that I ate all the candy before anyone could see it.  This is also why I don’t have candles in my house.

  I assume the best part of being unemployed is being able to watch NSFW stuff at all hours of the day.

  I saw my sex drive on the back of a milk carton.

  If I worked on a road crew, I’d be the guy leaning on my shovel, wiping the sweat from my brow, and looking with a look of concern while all the other guys did all the work.

  Last night I was in my bed and I stared at the stars and then I began to wonder where my ceiling was.

  I sometimes think there are more Applebees in America than there are apples and bees.

  The original Karate Kid, Ralph Macchio, is now the age of Mr. Miyagi when the movie was filmed. Feel old?

  Why do we say “horseback riding”?  It seems sort of redundant because I don’t know anyone that goes horsehead riding.

  Apparently Yahoo bought Tumblr.  In other uninteresting news, AOL bought Myspace.

  There is a possibility that there is going to be a reality show about Green Bay Packers fans.  There is currently a show about Oakland Raiders fans. It’s called “Cops”.

  Marijuana is a gateway drug because every time you use it you end up buying a Gateway computer.

  Whitney Houston is still alive every morning when I sing her songs in the shower.

  I watch Hoarders so I can find cool new stuff to store in my house.

  Nothing reminds you that you’re overweight like trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

  If I was a Greek philosopher my name would be Insecurities.

  The saying “the customer is always right” does not apply at a strip club.  They don't like it when I cry in the V.I.P. room after complaining that my lap dance was too fast.

  I remember the first time I saw the movie Psycho.  I didn’t shower for a week.  It also happened to be my first week in prison.

  My parents don’t know much computer lingo.  The only word they seem to know is “downloading” but to them everything is downloading.  They think going on the internet is downloading.  I tell them time and time again that I’m not downloading porn but I’m uploading it. There’s a big difference.

  It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

  While some people are worried about the illiteracy rate in this country, I’m more worried about the alliteracy rate.

  Calling Nicki Minaj a rapper or singer is like calling yourself a guitarist because you beat Guitar Hero on the easy setting.

  Netflix suggested I watch a movie about developing social skills.  Fuck you, Netflix.

  Once upon a time I pretended to be a priest and snuck into the confessional booth.  Sir-Mix-A-Lot came in and said that he also enjoys small and medium sized butts.

  The last time someone asked me “what’s up,” I replied, “A movie about the journey of an old man and boy as they float around in a house carried by balloons.”

  I think now that it’s summer the odds of reading a blog that was written by someone wearing no pants is at it’s greatest.

  I sometimes feel that some people on Friends Lock who come to my site yet aren’t my friends are the same type of people that go to a BYOB barbecue with two beers and then drink everybody’s beer and then crap in the pool.

  Does anyone else smell vodka, gonorrhea, and desperation when they open my Xanga page?

  If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Xanga it’s rape abortion Christianity racism circumcision feminism.

  In the beginning, you use Xanga as therapy.  At the end, you’re addicted to Xanga.  Somewhere in the middle you see a bunch of Xangan boobs.

  If you’re offended by something on Xanga there’s really no reason to announce it.  From what I’ve noticed is that if you’re offended by something and announce it then that person will go out of their way to offend you all the time.  It’s just Xanga.  It’s the thing we use all day, every day which ironically holds no value to us.

  When I die, I hope Xanga creates a scholarship in my name.

  No animals were harmed in the creation of this post.

  • 4:05 PM
  • 36 Comments