June 12, 2013

• Motivation

  I am so sick of the CIA and NSA and whoever else in the government reading all my posts and not reccing or giving me eprops.  I thought I lost my wallet but the NSA called me and told me that I left it in my other pants.

  WARNING!  THIS POST CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE!  Football.  Wrestling. Biceps.  Flexing.  Muscles. Push-ups.  Weightlifting.  Flexing. Ripped.  Sit-ups.  BUT SERIOUSLY IT'S NSFW.

  I now know I’m officially old.  I was plucking nose hair this morning and the hair I plucked was gray and white.

  I don’t know why there isn’t a medical theme park.  It could be named Thoracic Park.

  What would happen if a band started there song with the normal countdown “1…2…3…4” but instead of singing and playing they were too shy to begin so the drummer just kept counting to 300.

  How rich would I be if I got paid to masturbate?

  The amount of time I spend looking for the perfect porn and the amount of time I actually spend masturbating is a good example of my incredible inefficiency.

  Have you ever noticed that windshield wipers basically have two settings?  One is “one swipe ever 50years” and the other is “metronome for a Skrillex album”.

  Opinions are like orgasms. Mine are more important and I don’t care if you have one.

  Polar bears are pretty terrifying and even worse they can swim.  Thanks a lot, Mother Nature.  While you’re at it, why don’t you give sharks some legs and chainsaws for fins.

  I think at one point we have all thought about hijacking the Schwann’s truck…well at least those of us in the Midwest.

  I have this idea where I want to roleplay with a girl when we have sex.  I’m going to pretend her name is Jessica.  I won’t request any kinky stuff or anything like that.  I just want her name to be Jessica.

  If there are shoes called Toms, are there socks named Jerrys?

  I don’t get stoned because marijuana is never strong enough to make me that way.  I just get slightly pebbled.

  Have you ever eaten a pizza and had it burn the roof of your mouth or had the crust scrape the sides of your throat and then you wondered why everything beautiful in this world has to have a dark side?

  I’m white but not “we should eat at Olive Garden” white.

  One of the reasons why I hate Olive Garden is that they just seemingly lump together Italian words to make it sound like something you should eat.  “Try the new Cassonetto Stupro.  You’ll love it.”  Cassonetto Sturpo means “dumpster rape”.

  I wish Dwayne Johnson came to my house for my birthday and when I opened the door he shouted, “Party Rock is in the house tonight”.  If he doesn’t do that he doesn’t know the untold fortunes he could be making.

  I feel bad for any adult that is one a Disney Channel show.  It’s like they went through their entire career without getting any roles and had to settle for playing the bald dad or airhead mom.

  I may not be your cup of tea but I’m definitely your sixth shot of tequila.

  I’m surprised there hasn’t been a Disney movie about a pig that plays basketball and is called “Ball Hog”.

  I’ve been using Google Earth to search which yards have milkshakes in them.

  I’m not sure if I want a relationship right now.  I know I talk about wanting someone but I think what I want most is someone who’ll let me touch their boobs without it getting weird.

  I love how when I watch Maury Povich that the majority of commercials are for loans and stay at home colleges.  It’s like they know the people watching are smart and want to get a degree in psychology and a payday advance to feed their crack habit.  Also, did you know Father’s Day is Maury’s favorite day of the year? I hear he’s doing a special this year where he’s going to test George Washington’s DNA to see if he really is the father of this country.

  I once made the mistake of telling a Cirque de Soleil acrobat to go fuck himself.  There are just some things in life that can’t be unseen.

  I’m sort of excited to go to the movie theater to see the new Superman movie.  I just can’t figure out which of my 5 Superman capes I should wear.

  Do vegans get mad at animals for eating other animals and then preach to them about how much better they are because they’re vegan?

  They should do sexual myths on Mythbusters like the correlation between shoe size and penis size and lip color and nipple color.

  I’ve talked to people and a lot of times they say, “BRB shower time”.  I figure that means one of two things.  The first is “I’m not actually taking a shower but I just don’t want to talk to your boring ass”.  The other is an open invitation to imagine that person caressing their soapy and naked body in hopes that you get turned on by that thought.

  I don’t think I’m going to teach my kids the alphabet because the alphabet is a work of Satan. The more letters you know then the more words you know and if you know a lot of words then you can create dirty, evil sentences.  My children will be God fearing mutes.

  I only use Irish Spring soap because it makes my genitals smell like a field of happy leprechauns searching for a pot of gold.  Now if I could find my pot of gold.

  Pulling out before you’re finished also doesn’t work if you’re making cupcakes.

  Have you ever been watching porn and you’re getting into it and all of a sudden you hear, “Hey you, yeah, you!” and you get terrified,close out the internet, shut down the monitor, and pull up your pants in a matter of seconds only to realize it was one of those banner ads?

  A recent medical study found that it is more difficult for women to stop smoking than men.  They have now put smoking in the same category as nagging and shopping.

  Have you ever found yourself asking what type of wine goes best with Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos Tacos?

  I am always shocked to open Twitter and read the tweets madeb y journalists…so many spelling errors. But then they are sports reporters and I don’t think their audience cares if they can spell correctly.

  My cellphone always changes “killed” to “kilt”.  Well plaid, cellphone, well plaid.

  It’s so hot even my taint is sweating profusely.

  And now your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Daniel Day Lewis is such a good actor that I assume every person I meet is Daniel Day Lewis.  I celebrated Father’s Day by watching him in “There Will be Blood” because there is no better father figure in Hollywood history than his character in that movie.

  I like to wear a lot of black clothing so I can show off the cat hair.

  I always get confused when I see the letters “TMI”.  I know it’s supposed to stand for “Too Much Information” but I also think it stands for “Tell More Information” which is why I mentioned about how my taint is sweating profusely and to tell more information I hate hot weather because I sit on my sac way too often.

  Do you think Smokey the Bear will be cremated when he dies?

  Do you think they’ll ever reboot the Schindler’s List series with Will Smith in the lead?  And instead of spending all his time in a factory or nightclub with Nazis he'd spend his days on a playground shooting basketball to free Jews.

  The preferred method of killing spiders in my house is to find the spider and then run to my room screaming like an idiot and then locking myself in my room for three days.

  I want to clear the air here.  My last relationship didn’t end because I cheated.  It ended because I didn’t go to Jared.

  You should really get off your high horse because riding a horse that’s been smoking marijuana could be dangerous.

  I went to the lumber yard to buy some bamboo to make some fishing poles but when I got home I found out they gave me oak instead.  I’ve been bamboozled.

  When I was in peewee football the coach told us that to eat healthy we shouldn’t eat anything that has ingredients we can’t read.  The joke was on him because when I was in grade school I was reading a college level.

  In Wisconsin there’s a good way to tell if your girlfriend is the one.  You watch how she milks a cow.

  I like to think my cellphone holder is the same kind Fonzie would’ve used.

  Have you ever wondered if they named Magnum condoms after Magnum P.I.?  And if that is the case,it’s pretty cruel that they have Magnum condoms for guys with extra large penises but have no Higgins condoms for guys with the opposite problem.

  I went to the bar Sunday night and saw two guys wearing shirts that said “#1 Dad”.  I said that it was impossible to have two #1 dads so I made them fight for the title.  It was not a disappointing fight and I made a bunch of money off the betting.

  I was sitting on a bench in a Walmart a few days ago.  There was a cart filled with Superman merchandise next to the bench.  I think it hadn’t been put out on the Superman display near the bench.  The weird part was that when people walked by they gave me incredulous looks as if the cart were mine.

  Today was my first day at my new job.  I’m sort of insulted to be a “day dancer” but Chippendale’s has excellent health care including a top notch dental plan.

  I’m a racist.  I hate pretty much all races.  100m, 1000m,marathons, hurdles, cross country…the list could go on.

  Whenever I wear my Nazi army helmet and have my Japanese WWII sword attached to my belt people treat me nicely.

  You know the Tony Awards are pretty lame when I won one.  Yeah, that’s why I haven’t been around.  I was off in New York getting my Tony.  I won for Best Fat Guy in a Musical.

  I’ve been hearing about all the people clamoring about the first views of the Xbox One and the PS4. That is nice and all but I’m still trying to figure out the original Super Mario Brothers and how Mario could throw fireballs underwater.

  If there are waffle cones, why aren’t there pancake cones,crepe cones, or French toast cones?

  I really need to stop being so apologetic.  I realized I had a problem this weekend when I made eye contact during cunnilingus and apologized but then she did yell at me so I guess I don’t have a problem. Sorry for making you think I needed help.

  I love summer vacation because that means no pants until late August.

  My cats wrote a screenplay for Fast and Furious 7 in their litterbox this weekend.

  You know those family stickers that people put in the back windows of their car?  Well I have one but it’s just a single guy.  I put it there so the ladies know I’m a family man looking to make a family.

  How to get people to follow you on Xanga: blog about quirky things that only you could like such as dinosaurs (and don’t forget the RAWR)and starbucks, blatantly display your sexuality, make sure you constantly mass message people to tell them you updated and to recommend your new post, and blog about Xanga drama even if it doesn’t involve you.

  It’s becoming apparent that I started this Xanga account with no clear exit strategy.

  I think it’s time someone developed a sarcasm font for Xanga.  It would certainly lead to less drama.

  I think the people who buy into Xanga drama and thrive off it are the same people who think professional wrestling is real.

  Sometimes life sucks but then I remember how many mentally ill people there are on Xanga and I start feeling better about my life.

  Everyone is making this new Xanga out to be so great in that it will do everything for you.  Will it give me a blowjob?  Will it not complain when I decide to stave off ejaculation because it’s so pleasurable?  Will it leave after 90 minutes?

  Wish me luck, I’m competing in the U.S. Olympics Comedy Team competition this weekend.

  Recommend this post if you enjoy breathing.

  • 10:59 AM
  • 17 Comments