July 4, 2013

• Motivation

  I figure there are a lot of weird fetishes out there so there has to be one where a girl likes a fat, sarcastic asshole with a blog.

  I keep seeing all these previews for The Lone Ranger.  They may as well call it “Tonto and the Lonely Ranger”.  I wonder if Johnny Depp sold his soul to the Devil and then Disney bought out the Devil.

  Marijuana is legal on every planet but Earth.  Thanks a lot, Obama!  Do you think the Earth ever teases other planets for having “no life”?  Did you know “President Obama” is an anagram of “A Diaper Entombs”?  Oh and they say “every cloud has a silver lining”.  Why aren’t we mining and harvesting clouds in this economy, Obama?

  Why are there never creepy guys in windowless vans around when I want some candy?

  It’s the strangest damn thing but when I was 7 a bear wearing a forest ranger uniform told me that only I could prevent forest fires.  I have no clue why he picked me over all the other people in the world but he did so I am doing my damnedest not to start any forest fires.

  I think the only reason girls love my small penis is because it makes their butts look big.  Girls want to have big butts, right?

  I like steak so much that it makes my heart skip a beat.  Actually it makes it skip two beats.  Maybe I should call that ambulance.

  I love Law & Order so much.  I think I’ve seen every episode.  My favorite is the one where Law asks Order to marry him and then they make out.

  Why is it that people are totally OK with shooting animals into space for exploration but can’t handle two dudes holding hands?

  For my next birthday, I’m having an ice cream social and you’re all invited.  I know this isn’t a joke but I just wanted to see if you’re paying attention.  A quiz will be had later on in the year and I imagine a lot of you will say, “But I didn’t get invited”.  But you did!

  So if I read 50 Shades of Grey will it improve my non-existent sex life like what everyone says it does?  Will I have to go out and buy an extra bottle of Udderly Smooth?  It’s sort of funny that they are still making a movie adaptation of that book even though it’s been irrelevant for a year and there is very little content they could show in a theater.  OK so I did read the books because I was going through this BDSM phase but then I got sad because the book depicted it so poorly.

  I sort of wish life had a fast forward button so I could go to the point in life when I’m rich and famous and everyone is kissing my ass but knowing my track record with fast forwarding I would probably go too far and wind up at the point where I’m dead.

  Farmers who love farming more than women tend to go by the motto, “Hoes before hoes.”

  I hate when skinny people say they eat whatever they want.  Usually they don’t want to eat a tube of cookie dough like I do.

  I started a taxi service and I’m going to call it Cash Cab.  When people get in, bells,whistles, and lights will go off and then I’ll turn around and say, “Hi,welcome to Cash Cab, the game where you give me money and I take you places.”

  Everything I needed to know about whether or not police officers are allowed to search in my car, I learned from a Jay-Z song.

  From all the errors in my posts, you’d think English was my second language.  Sadly, it’s not, it’s my first and I can’t even speak it good. Even worse, I’m licensed to teach middle school English.

  I have always wondered about the term “bread winner of the family”.  I wonder what sort of freaky,back-alley games a person plays where the prize is bread.

  I’ve spent some time listening to Gorillaz lately and I’m not entirely convinced they are using actual words in their songs.

  Why is it that it only takes one relationship to end badly and it turns you into a jaded person? Why is it that the death of your fiancé turns you into a sulking, bitter blogger who thinks that love is unattainable?

  I don’t think stores understand the psychological damage they inflict upon the populace when they start advertising “Back to School”sales in July.

  I am tasteless and so is water and we all need water so I guess you all need me.  But if you like water then you like 70% of me.

  I was making out with this girl and I told her to whisper something sexy in my ear so she said, “Go Packers.”  Needless to say I needed a change of undergarments.

  History tells us a great deal of stories and that is why you should always clear your computer’s history.

  The only thing worse than getting the “short end of the stick” is hearing a girl say that while giving you a handjob.

  Do girls like it when you cook for them?

  “May contain nudity”???? Either there’s nudity or there isn’t.  Stop wasting my time.

  I don’t like going to strip clubs anymore because if I want to see a bleached asshole I can do it a lot cheaper by staying at home and watching “Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives”.

  The worst part about having my hand get caught in a Pringles can is when I can’t get it out because my other hand is stuck in a Pringles can.

  I hold the world record for having the sex the most amount of times for a guy who knows all the lyrics to Linger by The Cranberries.

  I have to come clean which is why I masturbate in the shower.

  Sometimes I wish I had dogs…puppies to be more exact.  I’d like a herd of puppies so they could fan me with their wagging tails and wash me with their puppy licks and then transport me around town like crowd surfing.

  This week was supposedly something called Canada Day.  I refuse to recognize this day unless Canada takes Justin Bieber back and locks him up for good.

  I wish a girl could get as excited to see me as I do when I find a curly fry or onion ring in my regular fries.

  I knew this girl who claimed she was only attracted to black guys and she thought black guys liked her because she referred to them as the N-word.  She’s now married to a white guy.

  I’m so poor that I can’t afford bags under my eyes so I have to use actual brown grocery bags.

  You know how some people lose their virginity.  Lately I’ve felt like I’ve been gaining it.  So alone.

  And now for your weekly does of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Ladies, you say that size matters so get this, my intestines can stretch out to be over twenty feet long.

  My large toenail fell off in the shower today.  According to Web MD, I’m going to die from Legionnaire’s Disease.

  Who doesn’t love rhetorical questions?

  I always found it funny that my parents never let me touch a stove when I was a kid but they let me play with fireworks.

  I think they need to rewrite the Patriot Act to protect us from the Patriots.  That Aaron Hernandez guy scares me and I’m pretty sure he wants to kill me because I know all the lyrics to “Da Da Da” by Trio.  Speaking of Aaron Hernandez, I wonder if he’s ever seen The Longest Yard.  If not, he better familiarize himself with it quickly.

  I went to the hippy grocery store/food co-op the other day and bought some organic deodorant.  I now smell like Jerry Garcia’s beard after he ate at Taco Bell.

  When I discovered Frosted Flakes I realized I had wasted so much time painting my Corn Flakes with a sugary paste.

  I heard George Lucas finally married his longtime girlfriend.  I bet it took him a longtime to marry her because he was worried she was really his sister.

  I was recently at a Walmart and went to the restroom.  I heard Bonnie Raitt’s “Let’s Give them Something to Talk About” and thought I should so I hid all the toilet paper.

  I recently bought an electric toothbrush.  It’s ok but I prefer the acoustic version much better.

  The secret to a good relationship isn’t communication.  It’s resisting the urge to make pig noises when your significant other eats.

  The person who invented Frisbee golf obviously had no friends.  If he did he would’ve settled for playing catch.

  I finally figured out why girls put Kleenex in their bras.  It’s because they have sensitive breasts that cry all the time.  Girls should probably not allow their boobs to watch Nicholas Sparks movies.

  I have three different fans set up in my room.  When I speak into them my voice sounds different in each one.  It’s like I’m having a conversation with 3 people.  I’m not alone at all.

  Every day I miss you is a day I remember that I’m an idiot and I miss you every day.

  I pulled out her chair because I’m a gentleman but I kept pulling when she tried to sit down because I’m an asshole.

  You know you’ve watched too much porn when you spit on your house key before you put it in to unlock the door.

  I have spittoons in my house so I can spit out Raisinettes after I’ve sucked all the chocolate off them.

  Have you ever thought about the movie Home Alone?  It’s a comedy about two burglars trying to murder an abandoned 8 year old.  Man, the90s were a wild time.

  I hate that whenever I teach about Aaron Burr, I always hear his name being said with a mouth full of peanut butter.

  I heard this bad Fun and I don’t know what the lead singer looks like but I’m assuming he’s one of those shaky little lap dogs.

  Lately all my spam emails have been about Viagra or those flexible water hoses.  I’m so confused as to what women want.

  Hi girls!  Matt is an amazing man and wonderful cook.  He really has his head on his shoulders. Are there any girls interested in Ma MOM GET OFF MY XANGA YOU ARE RUINING EVERYTHING!

  Xanga is like a woman because no matter what you do, you’re doing it wrong.

  It seems like everyone is being interviewed on that radio thing…everyone except me.  I bet they’ll interview @AmericanAlien before they interview me.

  A Xanga Public Service Announcement: Sarcasm doesn’t translate well on the internet because sarcasm doesn’t always translate into text.  Don’t use sarcasm in your posts because someone will always ALWAYS take it seriously.  Don’t act shocked if they do because it is inevitable.  The more you know.

  Have you ever had sex dreams about a Xangan?  Well I have and instead of saying their real name during the act I said their screen name.

  I’m starting a petition to change the definition of “asswipe” from “something you use to wipe your ass” to “someone who creates a Xanga account just to mess with someone and cause drama”.

  Looking for love on Xanga will only lead to one thing, you being fucked, literally or figuratively. Anyone up for a Xanga meet-up?

  Time machines would be great if they had an option where you could go back in time to prevent people from causing Xanga drama by slapping them in the face.

  I think my work at Xanga is done.  I’ve tricked the lot of you into thinking that I’m relevant when I’m just a regular Joe Schmo who has a few successful posts.  Actually…I’m an ass but I love the lot of you.  I really enjoy those of you who have differing opinions yet keep your mouths shut and respect my opinions and don’t send hate or block me because I think differently and don’t fall in line.

  Half the jokes didn’t make sense this week.  Can you spot which ones?  It may earn you a Xanga mini.

  Whenever I don’t get a lot of comments or recs on one of these posts, I assume that Xanga hates me.

  Does anyone know how fast that Fiber One…oh man, I got to cut this short.

  • 12:50 AM
  • 29 Comments