August 15, 2013

• Motivation

  Have you ever had a revelation about the future of your life at an inopportune time and then resigned yourself to the fact that this would happen?  Well today I was listening to this show on satellite radio that was about strippers and face sitting.  The host was describing this one stripper’s butt and then revealed that he could see her vagina and then he started to describe the outline of her vagina and before he knew it she took off her panties to show him.  Well I was fully erect and enjoying that feeling because it has been a while and then I realized I’m going to die alone.

  I was doing some renovations in my bathroom the other day.  I was caulking around my bathtub and I sneezed and somehow got caulk in my mouth.  Never call Poison Control asking if it’s bad to have caulk in your mouth.  They’ll hang up on you.

  I was gone for a while the other night and I found that my cats had tore open and destroyed a bag of catnip.  I knew they were high when they came bounding down my stairs and greeted me with “Like, meow, man.”

  One of the reasons I sleep so much is that my dreams are better than my real life.

  Hunting is one of the only sports that one of the contestants doesn’t know it’s participating.

  Girls don’t like nerds. I have to face facts.  These Magic: The Gathering cards aren’t going to get my dick sucked.

  The best type of chicks are the ones who get offended at being called chicks.  I remember a friend who called a girl a chick and she had a mental breakdown and started screaming that she wasn’t a chicken and then she started clucking.  People had to drag her away.  That was the greatest thing I ever saw at church.

  It’s been really hard to gain eprops in this economy.

  One of my dreams as a kid was that I’d become a despotic ruler and conquer a people and use the skull of one of their leaders as a bowl to drink and eat things out of.  Sigh…I guess there’s still time to achieve my dreams.

  I tend to judge people based on how they hang their toilet paper on the roll.  And also how uptight they are because I break into their houses in the middle of the night to find out how they hang their toilet paper.

  Did you know President Obama was born on August 6^th1961?  It’s very strange because August +4 + 1 + 96+ 1 = 420.  420!  I don’t think Barack will be able to sweet talk his way out of this one.  Man, I have to quit writing these after smoking weed because for a while there I thought “August” was a number.

  Vegans are calling people who eat meat “blood mouths”.  One of my exgirlfriends called me that and refused to kiss me because of it.

  A woman I know got wooden breast implants.  This joke doesn’t have a punchline but it would be funny if there was one, wooden tit? Also I ate two pieces of string this afternoon and two hours later they came out tied together.  I shit you knot.

  You know some days I can crank out these jokes like a factory using illicit Chinese child labor but then there are some days where my joke writing is like a factory in the United States where the union is on strike.

  I’m sort of worried when the next generation starts running for high office.  Imagine the scandals because of all the Facebook fights and nude pics that got traded.  God bless America.

  You know in 2016 it’s going to be pretty interesting to see how the Republicans will act when the Democrats throw out a white guy for president.  It seems like their big strategy is talking down the President because he and his wife are black Muslim terrorists from Kenya.  How are they going to handle a dude that looks like them?  Will both sides actually have to discuss the issues?

  I got escorted out for my Fozie Bear impression, consisting of me telling bad jokes and wearing nothing but a hat and tie.  That was the absolute worst Subway restaurant ever.  I’m never going back there because they are so judgmental and seriously that 6 inch sandwich has to be longer than six inches.

  A friend once told me there was nothing better in this world than holding his girlfriend’s hand in his hand. I said, “Shit, son, you’ve never been to a Chinese restaurant when they bring out fresh crab rangoons.”  Is there any wonder why I’m single?

  I hate how they have special parking spots for environmentally friendly cars.  I’ll just park my SUV in one and leave it running with the air conditioner on and the windows running while I go shopping at Walmart.

  Imagine yourself playing hockey and someone from the other team comes up and checks you so hard it knocks you down and then you realize you’ve lost your front teeth.  You are bleeding profusely and see all the blood on the ice along with your teeth.  Then the guy who knocked them out comes and skates to you and stops sending ice in your face.  You realize it’s your dentist and he says to you, “That wouldn’t have happened if you flossed more.”  Then he skates off into the sunset laughing maniacally.

  Why do they call it “Adult Swim” when you have to be 12 to get the humor on some of the shows?

  Does anyone remember Tim Tebow?  ESPN hasn’t reported on him in 15 seconds so he must be dead.

  People ask me how I am so funny.  Simple answer is I think of something dumb and then I say it.

  I sort of wish people dated like birds.  Like if I wanted a girl I’d dress in bright colors and dance to get her attention. Man, if only I had a time machine to travel back to the 80s.

  No, I can’t help you with your taxes but if you ever need to know the order of the U.S.presidents or the capitals of the states in the U.S., I’m your man.

  I want a love story similar to Cloverfield.  Someone would risk their life while a giant monster ravages the city to come find me. I doubt people would come looking for me if they were suffering from something like a hangnail or papercut.

  Whatever happened to the Occupy movement?  Did they go home to occupy their own streets?

  I can’t believe it’s 2013 and we can’t print out or instantly get the food we see on the internet. I blame Obama.

  Meryl Streep is such a phenomenal actress.  She could play the Hulk and you’d believe it.  She could play Obama and make it believable.  She could be the Little Mermaid and we’d lavish her with awards. She could play my mom and then I’d actually love her.  Meryl could portray a rock and her performance would bring me to tears.  She could play me and do a much better job being me than me.

  I still think the reason my love life is in shambles is because I never forwarded any of those chain emails.

  If I had a nickel for every time I said, “if I had a nickel,” then I’d have 10 cents for this post.

  You are going to love all the 9/11 and Japanese earthquakes jokes I’ll be able to post in 2015 when we can laugh at that stuff.

  There used to be a store in these parts called Crazy Frank's. Now it's just called Frank's. He got his prescription filled.

  And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  I just got kicked out of the casino. I was playing roulette and got in an argument over what was an odd number. 26 is weird to me.

  Chris Brown recently announced that he was quitting the music business because of the negative public opinion of him.  In other news, sales of tiny violins are skyrocketing.

  I have been bouncing theories about a potential connection between The Walking Dead and Breaking Bad all over the internet today.  The worst theory I’ve heard are what my cats had to say…meow.

  Two paraplegics got into an argument at an impotency clinic today.  It’s OK though, there’s no hard feelings between them.

  If Dr. Who is a guy who rarely wears pants or shirts during the summer and has random food stuck in his chest hair then I’ll be the perfect choice for the 13^th Doctor.

  Speaking of Dr. Who, I heard the funniest time travel joke tomorrow.

  I told my neighbor he should name his dog Anthony Weiner because whenever I’m outside watering my plants the dog rolls over and shows me his junk.

  You should always shoot for the stars because even if you miss them they are dead by the time their light reaches us.

  I’m convinced that Jim Gaffigan is actually Phillip Seymour Hoffman merely acting like a buffoon.

  When I was in kindergarten I was disappointed when we had afire drill.  I was expecting this badass drill that shot out fire but all I got was walking in a single file line to the end of the playground.

  I need to get laid and by “laid” I mean having an intimate experience with someone I care very much about.

  I’ve decided I want to be cremated but not when I die.  Just surprise me whenever.  I like surprises.

  I believe that in the Bible they mention that Jesus had brothers and sisters and in fact there was a theory that he had a brother named James.  Could you imagine having to live up to your brother and also what would those Christmas letters be like?  “Oh and our son Jesus is the Savior of all of mankind and our son James is attending Jerusalem community college and has apart-time job at Frank’s Falafel Hut.”

  I relate to Dale Gribble in so many ways.

  Who wants to go down to my town’s lake and do some naked fishing but forget the fishing part?

  I don’t really like when people say, “I’m colorblind and I don’t care if a person is white, black, red, yellow, or purple.”  YOU SHOULD FUCKING CARE IF A PERSON IS PURPLE!  It means they’re probably choking and need the Heimlich Manuever.

  Who needs the bank when you have a locker at work?

  I can tell if a girl is into me just by chatting with her online and giving her my credit card number.

  How does my house have so many fruit flies?  I’m not growing fruit in here.

  I cut caffeine out of my diet and recently I drank half a bottle of Dr. Pepper.  It kept me up all night.  I didn’t sleep for almost 48hours.  The good news is that I’m now able to do a backflip on my neighbor’s kid’s BMX.

  If Jurassic Park existed I’d probably go to it but I’d never go to Jurassic Park 2 or Jurassic Park 3.  Those places were totally lame.

  I’m glad the thing about getting an STD from a toilet seat is a myth because I have sex with so many toilets and wearing a condom totally takes away from the sensation.

  People tell me that I have a warm heart.  It’s probably because of my high cholesterol and blood pressure.

  I’ve been taking a Statistics class because I thought it would be exciting and fun just like the trailer for Moneyball but instead it’s been long and painfully boring just like the movie Moneyball.

  The 10^th person to recommend this post gets an expired coupon for Burger King.

  Before I had Xanga, I used to make jokes on the CB radio…over.

  Xanga has a way of making me feel like I’m not the only guy sitting at home staring at a computer screen wearing nothing but underwear.

  I just did a profile on eHarmony and my results came back: “No matches found.  Go back to Xanga and masturbating.”

  I wonder how much weight I would lose if Xanga was considered exercise

  “I can’t wait until I become famous and make millions of dollars because of my Xanga.” -Morons

  Xanga is a great place to worry about how all the people we don’t know will judge us.

  People have Xanga crushes on everyone who isn’t me.

  All my snobbiness aside, it is pretty shitty when you block someone on Xanga because they like Nickelback, wear Crocs, or have different political views than you.

  I may not have thousands of friends on Xanga or hundreds of commenters but I’m thankful for those I have because you put up with all my shit.

  • 1:01 PM
  • 31 Comments