August 28, 2013

• Motivation

  Say goodbye to your ribs because you’re about to be tickled to death.

  The first rule of toddler fight club is there shouldn’t be a toddler fight club.

  I’ve decided to start home brewing energy drinks.  All it takes is some high fructose corns yrup, rat poison, and a shard of meth.

  Worst song to get a lap dance to?  The theme song from Sanford and Son.

  I’m thinking of naming my first child “Hey You” because I’ll never forget its name.

  They always say, “Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.”  I say opinions are like assholes so you better watch what you say when you’re in prison.

  There’s something magical about masturbating while wearing Harry Potter glasses and a wizard’s robe. There’s also something magical about having sex with your boss.  Too bad I’m self-employed.

  I’ve found that the best way to hypnotize women is to do jumping jacks naked.

  I had a hot piece of ass last night.  I’m thankful my meat market sells donkey.

  Have you ever stayed awake at night wondering if Satan’s name really isn’t Satan and that there was a typo and it’s actually Stan?

  It’s always amazing to me that when I first started using the internet my parents always told me to be careful of strangers but strangers on the internet seem to care more for me than people I know in real life.

  A man walks into a baa and the sheep apologizes even though he has no clue how the man had a physical interaction with his speech when it is not a somatic object.

  I may do things that are unspeakable but there is never anything I can do that is unblogable.

  I remember psychology class in high school and when we discussed Oedipus complexes a girl said she thought she had that.  She was later diagnosed as a hypochondriac.

  Every time I see the word “vegan” I think it says “vagina”and I get all anxious only to find out it’s going to be someone berating me because I’m human and partaking of typical human behavior and I don’t value animals over human beings.

  I’m not sure what the difference is between a hotel and a motel but I’m fairly certain it has to do with the price of the hookers standing out front.

  Ladies, the best compliment a guy can give you is a boner.

  There are a lot of things I don’t regret but one of those things isn’t getting “Mary had a Little Lamb” stuck in my head today.

  I hate when people in Wisconsin say that winter is approaching therefore they need a boyfriend or girlfriend to keep warm.  Come on, get a fucking coat like the rest of us single people.

  I was shocked when I heard most circuses beat their elephants.  Here I thought they beat all their animals.  Why do the tigers get offso easily?

  I admit it.  I use emoticons but I do it just to make sure my writing isn’t misinterpreted as being sarcastic.  jk lolz XD

  I feel doubly alone lately. I’m single and I think I’m the only person who owns a Bob Marley album that doesn’t smoke weed.

  I may or may not sing “Call Me Maybe” at karaoke in the style of Snarf from Thundercats.

  The thing I hate most about politics is that if you legitimately care about your country and want to help it but the cutthroat nature of it prevents you from doing jack shit. And this is because of both sides bickering.  The only thing they all agree on is getting pay increases.

  I sort of want to be in a reality show.  And by that I mean I’d like to have a show about my life and not be in the cast of one of those Jersey Shore “did you piss in my food” type reality shows.

  What if you met a girl on the internet and you fell in love with her and then when you met her in real life you learned that she was really a butterfly who had spent the past few months flying from key to key in order to win your heart and then the butterfly convinced you to reciprocate the love?  Would you crush the butterfly with a flyswatter or with your bare hands?

  I watch a lot of commercials and I notice that whenever someone uses hair conditioner they move in slow motion.  I use conditioner all the time but I never move in slow motion.  Maybe it’s because I’m fat and am already slow or maybe I haven’t quite gotten down lather, rinse,and repeat.

  I think my only hope at this time to fall in love is to find someone who is deathly afraid of dying alone and propose a contract of marriage and then…BOOM…no longer alone.

  99 cents for a bag of Skittles?  You almost caught me, Walmart.  I know there is this thing called sales tax.  Welcome to Obama’s America.

  Why is it called a hamburger if there’s no ham in it?  I could totally be an 80s comedian but I’d need a mullet and shoulder pads in my shirts.

  Whenever I hear someone talk about Bible verses I think they’re saying “versus” so I start thinking of the Bible vs. Mike Tyson.

  When you can’t find a parking space in a parking lot it should be called a parking little.

  A friend of mine got a job writing sheet music for a movie soundtrack.  When he told me I said“Score!”  He laughed uncomfortably.

  People with big Eggos are waffle people.

  Look, I’m not saying you NEED to or HAVE to but if you ever need to dump a dead hooker’s body, Arizona is the best bet.

  Since when is a thesaurus not a dinosaur?  IF we told kids they were then they would use them more often.

  I think what would heal all America’s ills is a bill that would require all pornos to include the line “Do you want fries with that,” after every money shot.

  American may be falling apart politically and financially but at least we have the most swag.

  How can anyone hate animals? I don’t get it.  Well…except platypuses.  Those things are creepy and shit.  Fuck platypuses.

  Sorry I haven’t been getting these out.  I’m just too horny for blogging.

  And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  All I want in a relationship is cuddling, making out,watching Netflix, rough sex, and to be left alone while I watch ESPN or read.

  Love is essentially an addiction to another person and if Dr. Drew and science have taught me anything it’s that addiction is never a good thing.

  I just heard some disturbing news.  Brace yourselves.  There are no longer any toys at the bottom of cereal boxes.  I know.  This is awful.  Kids should just hurl themselves off the nearest cliff because their childhood is obviously ruined.

  I just saw a movie trailer with Vin Diesel in it that wasn’t a Fast and Furious movie.  I am so confused now.  It’s a remake of a movie that Vin Diesel starred in years ago and Vin Diesel is playing the same character in the same role with the same lines. GIVE HIM THE OSCAR NOW!

  Never underestimate the power of boobs.

  People sometimes inquire about my sexuality.  I guess it’s best described as “I want to kiss girls and totally get drunk and dry hump but no one wants to kiss or dry hump me. What the hell is wrong with you assholes?”

  I love checking my text messages to make sure I keep having none.

  Did parents have to pay tuition to send their children to Hogwarts?  Or was there an underfunded and ignored public magic school that never got talked about?

  I remember the first time I was exposed to incense.  I went into a hippie shop and asked what thatsmell was and they said incense.  So I bought some and when I got home my mom asked what that smell was and since I just learned I mispronounced it and said incest.

  My dad hated me as a child. He’d make me stick my finger in the light socket as a form of punishment and then he’d say, “You’re grounded now.” He always kept current with forms of torture.

  Is a blowjob really asking for much?  Apparently it is if you’re at Burger King.

  I get so upset whenever I hear that Blurred Lines song.  It’s not because I hate the song it’s because whenever I hear it I’m expecting to see a 1970s sitcom about an African American family struggling to make ends meet.

  It’s way easier remembering the name of people’s pets than their names.

  I’m not a mourning person. People die all the time.

  The closest Burger King to me is sort of like Cheers.  The only thing is there are more mentally challenged people and crazy homeless people hanging out there and then I’m Norm.

  I saw a beautiful girl on a Razor Scooter and wear Crocs.  I’m questioning everything I know and believe right now.

  What’s the difference between sex and gender?  One of them is a sin.  Sorry ladies. That joke brought to you by the He-Man Woman Haters Evangelical Foundation.

  People think it’s dangerous that I wear headphones while I ride my bike in the country.  If they only knew that I listen to mp3 loops of traffic noise and sirens.  It sure beats the sound of nothing and the Amish.

  Why don’t they make Playboy a 300 page book so us guys can call it a romance novel?

  I don’t get why women get offended when you ask them their age and get angry when you forget their birthdays.

  Any pizza is a personal pizza if it murdered your family and you’re seeking revenge.

  I’m starting to eat healthier.  I no longer lick the cheese off the wrapper on my fast food burgers.

  Since I’m fat I like to pretend to get drunk after one drink so people call me a lightweight.

  Remember when Xanga was fun? No?  Good!  You’ve freed yourself from the lies.

  It seems like everywhere you go people look for reasons to shit on one another and I know it’s not exclusive to Xanga but it used to be so obvious here.

  The most disgusting thing I’ve seen on Xanga are posts that say, “If you’re friends with ______ or ______ then you can’t be my friend.”  WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU, FUCKING EIGHT YEARS OLD?!?!?!?!?  I’ve seen kids on playgrounds act more civilized than that. I’ll do you a favor and block you so you don’t have to worry about any of my friends being icky for you.  And besides that, if you are so “open minded” why are you only wanting people to have one belief?

  Xanga is a playground for psychologists.

  “You know what we need more of on Xanga?  Drama.” –No one. Ever.  Knock it off and grow the fuck up.

  New Xanga motto: “Xanga is a place where people express their opinion and others claim they don’t give a fuck but they write rant after rant against the person’s opinion and they still claim not to give a fuck and no one seems to really pay attention or care.”

  New Xanga motto: “Xanga: Do you have a social disorder?  Are you socially awkward?  Do you have no friends other than your household pets?  Is online dating your only option?  Do we have a site for you?  Come to Xanga and be a star.”

  AOL is in talks to purchase Xanga.  They want to merge so all their users can have one place to gather.  This will double the amount of users to 48.

  What did annoyingly opinionated people do before they were allowed to reply to posts, pulses, and comments on Xanga?

  If Xanga didn’t exist, what would you be doing right now?  I bet it would be masturbating.

  I’m actually really glad I am a Xanga user because there is no greater joy than knowing someone is willing to listen and readily laughs at some of my dumbest thoughts.

  • 7:05 PM
  • 25 Comments