-I am currently naked.

-Most of the time I emulate Donald Duck around the house.  I wear shirts but no pants.

-I really am beginning to dislike the new Xanga.  I think Coke 2 had a better plan than Xanga 2.

-As of today since Xanga 2 has started, I have received 2000 spam messages.

-If I’m being followed by a car on a country road, I sometimes pretend they are secret agents and I have to lose them.  If I am not pretending that, I am pretending that giant chainsaws are extending from both sides of my car and I cut down everything.  I also wave at everyone on the road when driving outside of the town.

-When I interact with a girl, I try to make her feel that I’m not interested but 9 times out of 10, I am.

-I drink Dixie Cups full of water like they are shots.

-Before I enter my car I look in the back seat to make sure no one is there.

- Before I enter my house I look around to make sure there isn’t anyone around.

-I refuse to sit in a restaurant with my back to an entrance.

-I watched The Princess Bride once and I hated it.

-When I go to Walmart or any place that has automatic doors, I pretend that I have telekinesis and I am opening the doors with my brain.

-I still eat snow especially when hunting because it cools me down and makes my breath disappear.

-I hate broccoli.

-I didn’t go to my prom because my school didn’t have prom.  My sophomore year was the first year they had dances and the freshmen year was the first year they allowed students to wear blue jeans.

-I look behind the shower curtain whenever I go to the bathroom because I fear someone may be hiding in there that either wants to harm me or take my photo while urinating.

-Whenever I go to a public restroom, I go into a stall so I can look for graffiti.

-Whenever I walk uphill, I fart so I have extra propulsion.

-When I am showering I move my arm so that the water will run down to my fingertips making me an aquatic Wolverine.

-I cling to the hope that one day I will meet a nice woman and get married and be happy.  I am losing hope but you could restore my hope.

-I have always wanted to do a post like this mostly because of the song.

I got fired from my job as an archeologist assistant.  We were digging in an area trying to determine the natives who lived here and which period of time they dwelt here.  Well I found a used tampon and I ran up to the head archeologist and asked, “Which period did this come from?”

I have a fun prank all of you can play.  Get $100, put it in an envelope, and mail it to me.

I feel so old lately.  I remember renting a VCR from the grocery store.  I used to call my friends on a rotary phone that was red and when we’d play at my house we’d play America versus Russia and the President would use that phone to order bomb strikes against Russia and those who were Russians would act like they were melting from nuclear bombs.

When I was your age they gave us pipe cleaners and glue and told us to make shit and play with it.  And we did.  AND WE LOVED IT!

Oh still feeling old.  I wish I could yell at kids to stay off my lawn but I’m part of a generation that’s too poor to afford a lawn.

I wish there was a Gordon Ramsay but for universities and colleges.  He would come in and say, “Fuck me, administrators, have you ever actually set foot inside a classroom?  Your knowledge of pedagogy is rawer than the chicken I spat out at lunch.”  And before you say anything about accreditation bodies being able to take away accreditation from a school, just know they have nothing on Gordon Ramsay’s magical ability to turn around a restaurant or in this case a university in a matter of 5 days.

I hope I start my “hot person” phase soon.  I’m really getting tired of this “extremely awkward fat guy” phase.

The best lesson we can learn from Breaking Bad is that we need to pay teachers more and give them better health insurance.

The second best lesson we can learn from Breaking Bad is that if a former high school teacher tries to talk to you just walk away and don’t look back.

I hope common sense is the next cool trend that replaces twerking.

I think the real reason why Republicans keep trying to block Obamacare is that they want to get people so poor that they can’t afford to rent a Rug Doctor or VCR from the grocery store.

My bucket list is just a bunch of beers and liquors I haven’t tried yet.

I want to eat you out but only as a friend.

I had a dentist appointment recently and the dental hygienist told me I should floss more when I told her that I floss about 3 times a week.  She then told me I should floss while showering.  Well the joke’s on her because I only shower three times a week.

I hope when I walk down the street people see me and think, “Now there’s a guy who can and will eat a jar of Newman’s Own Black Bean & Corn Salsa in one sitting.”

I’m having flashbacks to college and how many of my tests and quizzes were written with Comic Sans.  My god…it’s awful!

I like to make fun of things.  After all the world is a joke and your face is the punchline.

Recently I was eating at a restaurant and a waiter came to my table and said, “Hello, I’m Life and I’m your server this evening.”  He then handed me some lemons and I never saw him again.  Let’s just say he didn’t get a tip.  Oh and the lemons, well they made an excellent garnish for my cocktails.

I remember going to a Salt-n-Pepa concert years ago and Pep yelled to the audience, “Girls, what’s my weakness?”  I shouted back, “Time and money management.”

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore.  A friend of mine told me he was wearing one while he was having sex with this woman and then her husband busted into the bedroom and stabbed him.

I think the AI in the Madden football video games is smarter than the Cleveland Browns GM.

The closest I’ve ever been to the Mile High Club was eating standing up.

Apparently it’s not cool when a girl says, “Hey, I like your soul patch,” and you reply with “Well I like your mustache.”

Do you think anyone is really 100% straight?  I think there are a lot of liars out there.  I mean Clay Matthews is a handsome man.

In that song “Everlong” by Foo Fighters, Dave Grohl sings “You’ve got to promise not to stop when I say when.”  Well that’s sort of how I feel when I go to Olive Garden and they put cheese on my food.

I don’t think I have a sense of humor any more.  I just laugh at sentences poorly word that are.

The day Lil Wayne was released from jail I bought a t-shirt that said “Free Weezy”.  The guy who sold it to me asked if I knew that he didn’t need to be freed any more.  I replied, “Yes, I’m a collector.”  I found that hilarious at the time.  Now I wish I had $20.

I want a Sister Wives style reality show where I marry all my female followers on this site.

God doesn’t shut a door and then open a window.  No, God isn’t paying to heat the outdoors.

I’m working on a television show with subpar dialogue, no compelling characters, and mediocre story arcs. If Dexter could do that and be successful, so can I.

I bet whenever Gary Busey can’t attend something he says, “I’m sorry but I can’t because I’m Gary…Busy.”

A dude asked me the other night at the bar what kind of music I was into.  I replied with a generic “a lot of rock, a lot of punk, but I listen to anything,” answer.  He said, “No offense, but you don’t look punk.  You don’t have a leather jacket with spikes or a mohawk.”  I almost kicked him with my steel toed boots.

When I was a kid my parents told me I should never refer to a woman as a “broad”.  I also thought this applied to “broad daylight” so when I was at a friend’s house and heard a news anchor talk about a robbery in broad daylight I gasped and said that the anchor was sexist.

I’ve never seen a dog chase a cat up a tree but there was this one time I saw a rabid squirrel scamper up a tree and eat a bird.

I want to say my vacuum cleaner sucks but it doesn’t and that’s the problem.

This week I’ve learned why you don’t send messages on OKCupid.  It’s because they will come view my page and then email and tell me I’m not good looking enough to date them.

I think one of the most terrifying things that there is at my house are night bees.  These bees are only active at night.  I got stung once.  I need to start wearing armor to bed.

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Well once again…blah blah blah…Xanga is starting to become not fun because they aren’t making this site interactive fast enough.  I feel bad for people who paid for this.

If you want to know more, ask.
And now for the more personal touch in a style of Jeopardy.

This measures 13 inches.  What is my forearm?  (What did you think it was, perv)
This is 10 inches in circumference.  What is my wrist? (It’s hard to find watches)
This is 12 inches.  What is my fist? (and I wear a size 15 ring)
This is 22 inches.  What are my biceps?  (I feel bad that I have yet to achieve Hulk Hogan’s 24 inch pythons)
This is 26 inches.  What are my calf muscles? (Yes, I am a power lifter.  I was once able to do 1000lbs on a hip sled and could squat 600+lbs.  I maxed out on a bench press at 425lbs but now I am down to 300lbs)

And now what you all are anxiously waiting for

This is a nude pic.  Yes, that’s right picture.  When I was student teaching, my supervisor chewed me out for not using proper English terms for photographs and pictures. 

I said the above was a picture.  He said no that it was a photograph.  Photographs are living people and real things.  Pictures contain no “real” objects.  He was quite anal about this and ranted for a good half hour.  So I don’t feel so bad sharing a nude picture of myself

Yes, it’s a disturbing picture but to borrow a line from the Blood Hound Gang “I’m hung like planet Pluto, hard to see with the naked eye.”

Well I hope you have enjoyed this little look into my madness.

(here’s another repost.  I don’t know.  I guess I’m getting back into my blue period.)

-I want to wake up next to you in the morning and slightly cringe at your morning breath as you crawl over and tell me how much you love me.

-I want to go shopping with you and take the blame when you fart in the store.

-I want to walk with you under the moonlight and then carry you after you step in a hole and sprain your ankle.

-I want to sit at a dinner table and tell you that your cooking is good and to prove it I will have a second helping even though your cooking is terrible.

-I want you to express yourself even though you are wrong and I can prove it.

-I want to love you regardless of your outfit.  I don’t care if you wear that nice red lace thing or those things with the stripes.  As long as you are in them then I am happy.

-I want to drive you places and even though you talk and I pretend to listen I’m not listening.  I just want to get you to the destination safely.

-I want you to promise that you will never make me ask for directions.  I love to drive and all roads lead somewhere.  We might just find a cozy bed and breakfast instead of your co-worker’s baby shower.

-I want to go shopping with you and hold your bags because I could really use the workout but only if you use your money.

-I want you to tell me that I screwed up and of course I will remind you that you’re a screw up because you love a screw up.

-I want you to be able to see me at my worst.  I don’t want you to talk to me through the bathroom door.  Just come in and ask what needs asking.  This is why I have air spray on the toilet tank.

-I want you to never ask if I find your sister or co-worker attractive.  If I did, I would dump you and date them. 

-I want you to not feel the necessity to spackle on pounds of make-up just to see me.  A little goes a long way plus natural is an underrated look.

-I want you to know that you can have sex with me any time you want.  You don’t need to ask unless it involves my rear exit…then you have to ask.

-I want you to watch sports with me.  Your questions are cute and I appreciate them but once you start yelling about how I need to do something productive with my time then I shut down.  I will dump you if you try to make me pick you or the Packers.

-I want you to not feel discouraged if you catch me masturbating.  It’s practice for the big game.  You should give me pointers or lend a hand.

-I want you to hold hands with me but not all the time.  There is a time and place and when I’m trying to figure out which oil I need to put in my car it’s not the right time to hold hands.

-I want you to fake orgasms all the time.  When I fix something or do some chore, just fake an orgasm.  It makes me feel accomplished and if I think it’s pleasing to you then I will be more willing to do chores.

-I want to spoon with you and drive my beer belly into the small of your back.

-I want to wear a top-hat for you.

-I want you to know that I will lie to you to make you feel good.  When you’re throwing up and pale with a red stuffy nose I will tell you that you are beautiful but it’s because I love you and want you to feel better.

-I want you to listen to my crackpot ideas.  I truly believe that sex can help remove splinters.

-I want you to ask me if that outfit makes you look fat.  The answer is yes but I will love you none the less.

-I want you to lie on top of me so I can watch you rise and fall with my beer gut as I inhale and exhale.

-I want to take you out and buy you a corn dog, ice cream cone, or one of those frozen bananas dipped in chocolate and then I want to stare deep into your eyes as you eat.  Maybe we could also get one of your girlfriends to join us and you and her could eat the same food item while I stare or maybe she could eat a large slice of watermelon while you eat the ice cream cone or better yet you could eat the watermelon while she eats the ice cream cone.

-I want to be able to tell you how I feel but I never will because I have no self-confidence and am a chicken.

-I just want to be happy like everyone else.

Because Penthouse magazine recently declared chapter 11 bankruptcy I decided to repost something I wrote a few years ago.

When a man loves a woman ___________ (fill in the blank)

You know how people crack backs?  I need someone to crack my knee.  Who wants to come over and put me in the Scorpion Death Lock?  Even the Figure Four Leg Lock sounds good right about now.  I’m also lonely and looking for a girl to help me complete a Boston Crab.  I shouldn’t write these when watching wrestling.

I saw an Amish guy reading 50 Shades of Grey.  I don’t think the bishop is going to like that.  If that guy is anything like this one Amish family I know then after their 22^nd child he and his wife need something to spice up their lovemaking.

I’ve been thinking of having kids lately.  I sort of wanted to have a daughter so I could treat her like a princess but with my luck she’d become Mary Tudor.

I’ve often heard people say, “Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.  Beer before liquor, you’ll never be sicker.”  I contend it’s “Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.  Beer before liquor, you’ll be OK if you don’t like a little bitch.”

I’m pretty sure all the people who make computer viruses are the kids who got bullied in high school for playing Dungeons and Dragons.

If you’ve never had to privilege of having someone in your house try to pleasure a woman on an air mattress, I don’t recommend it.

My favorite sext message: “What’s your favorite season of The Office?”

My second favorite sext message: “What do you think America should do with a $17trillion deficit?”

All I wanna do is (dolphin sound)(dolphin sound) and (foghorn)(old jalopy car horn) and take all your money.

I’m going to the Brewers game tonight.  Look for the guy who pushes kids out of the way for a foul ball and then twerks in their face once I catch it.

75% of my work day is spent furiously trying to recreate the fart sound you think you heard my chair make when I got up

“IT’S SUNDAY!  IT’S SUNDAY!” –hardcore Christians or Breaking Bad fans

A guy came up while I was watching CNN about the recent shooting.  He said, “Huh?  A shooting?  How awful!”  Then he went on talking about his weekend.  That’s we are now as a country.

I was watching my neighbor’s dog poop and it finally dawned on me where twerking originated.

I’ve noticed that neck tattoos at Walmart are down at least 65%.  Come on, we need to kickstart this economy.

20 years ago, Nirvana’s “In Utero” was released.  If you need me, I’ll be over here in my flannel shirt filling out my AARP application.

One day someone will be envious of me for something.  Hopefully it’s my enormous penis.

People who have rejected my recent marriage proposals:  that one Xangan, Carrie Brownstein, Maya Rudolph, Winona Ryder, and a slice of taco pizza.

Good ways to improve your mood: fall asleep watching The Simpsons, wake up to The Simpsons, watch The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, float away into outer space, live on the moon forever, eat a slice of taco pizza.

If I ran Maxim, Carrie Brownstein or Maya Rudolph would top the list of the Maxim Hot 100 every year.  Also, if I ran Maxim I’d probably set myself on fire.

I’m pretty sure a blog is formed when your loneliness and narcissism meet and fall in love.

It’s funny how when Miley Cyrus licks a hammer it’s called “art” and “music” but when I do it I’m “drunk” and “have to leave Walmart immediately”.

I honestly don’t understand why they make super skimpy Halloween costumes for women and why women buy them.  I don’t mean it as shaming of sluts but it’s the last day of October and it’s always cold.  What makes you think those costumes are practical?

Why are bagels so much better than bread?  My head knows it’s just a bread circle but my heart sings a different song.

You know some people say that Obama is a strategic genius by threatening to go to war with Syria and by putting the decision in Congress’ hands, when they are opposed to anything he wants, will make him look like the strong and concerned leader with an uncaring Congress.  He’ll come off looking strong but that’s really weak in my opinion.  He’s threatening other people’s lives on a gambit so he can look tough.  That’s about as tough as the punks who threaten to kick your ass one on one when they’re standing with about a dozen people backing them up.  The strongest thing he could do is walk away…just like Billy Jack.

I know a lot about the female body because this one time I saw a opossum get hit on the highway.

I recently got my time machine finished and I went to the year 2000 and tried to describe dubstep to people and they all said, “Oh you mean ‘Sandstorm’ by Darude.”

The word “platonic” comes from Plato so I guess Plato invented the friend zone.

Why do people drink fat free milk?  It tastes like nothing.  We might as well call it cow water.

Robin Thicke was in a Burger King wanting to order lunch but there was a family of ducks in front of him ordering massive amounts of food.  He hates those bird lines.

There’s a huge difference between racism and dinosaurs which is probably why they never get confused for each other…not even on Xanga.

I sort of get the feeling that Tim Burton would remake one of his own movies.

I would never cheat in a relationship because that would mean two people would have to find me attractive.

Sometimes I wonder if Maury is really the father.

I yell “No Homo” quite a bit ever since I bought a dog and named him “Homo”.  I frequently yell “No Homo!  You pissed on me!”

Whenever Eminem raps it sounds like when my mom or dad talks to a telemarketer calling from India.

I think I should stop making forever alone jokes because I figure the more I make the more likely it is that I’ll die alone with my cats and Nutella.  And as much as I worry about dying alone, I’m not going to marry out of fear for being alone.  That’s sort of like amputating your arm because you’re fearful of future mosquito bites.

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I’m trying to get Xanga to be more community-ish.  We need more people back here.  Spread the word my children.  Xanga is still alive.  Sure it was on life support for a while there but it’s back with slight problems but it’s back.  What the hell am I saying?  Oh, there was this incident that is being kept on the down low.  A kid who was home schooled for the first 6 years of his schooling (k-5) had to enroll in the public school because his mother is sick and can’t do the teaching.  Anyway, the kid is bored in class and asks the teacher if he can go to the library.  The teacher said that would be fine.  Well the kid is home schooled and has absolutely no clue that the school has its own library.  Instead he goes outside, gets on his bike, and bikes to the city library about a half mile away.  Well all heck broke loose at the school because they couldn’t find the kid.  They searched everywhere and then at a recess break he casually puts his bike back on the rack and walks up to the teacher to show her the books he got.  Teacher breaks out in laughter.  They later took a “field trip” to the school library.

Now, do this survey

List a notable news event from the year you were born
The start of the Iran/Iraq War
U.S. operation to free hostages in Iran fails
Ronald Reagan elected president
John Wayne Gacy executed
John Lennon assassinated
Mt. St. Helens erupts

List a TV show from the year you were born
CNN became the first 24 hour news network
M*A*S*H
Dallas
The Dukes of Hazzard
Taxi
Little House on the Prairie
The $1.98 Beauty Show

List a  popular song from the year you were born
The #1 song on the weekend I was born was “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” by Queen

List a video game from the year you were born
Pacman

List a car from the year you were born
Chevy El Camino

List a movie from the year you were born
The Empire Strikes Back
Superman II
Raging Bull
Heaven’s Gate (the biggest flop in movie history)
Airplane!
Friday the 13th
Caligula (released the week I was born)
The Shining
The Blues Brothers
Caddyshack

A notable political figure from the year you were born
Jimmy Carter
Ronald Reagan
Leonid Brezhnev
Margaret Thatcher
Fidel Castro

List 5 TV characters you’d like to get nasty with:
5  Florida Evans from Good Times

I swear Florida had the worst name in TV history.  “My name is Florida!”  Oh Family Guy, you’re silly!  She had to be the kindest woman ever on TV.  She was a mother and a wife and after a contract dispute she became a widow.  Always putting others before herself.  That is what I love in a woman.  Also she had to put up with J.J. “Kid Dy-no-mite” on a daily basis.  A few years ago on the Howard Stern show, they had John Amos on as a guest.  He played Florida’s husband, James Evans, on Good Times.  Howard said that John was one of the greatest actors ever and should have won countless awards.  John asked why and Howard replied, “Any man who could say that Florida was beautiful deserves an Emmy.”  I laughed.

#4  Dr. Neela Rasgotra from ER

She listens to punk, she’s sassy, sexy, smart, and she speaks with a British accent.  Plus she’s a doctor so I could be a kept man.  I can’t stand the sight of blood and to think that she digs around in people’s insides on a daily basis to save their lives…well that makes me…next.

#3 Officer Tina Hanlon from The Shield

Something about a female police officer drives me wild.  Maybe it is the prospect of being locked up in handcuffs or trying to get out of a ticket through interesting means.  Packing the firepower and ridding the streets of criminals is such a turn-on.  Oh yeah, she has a thing for older men and I am feeling the more I post that I am getting older.  She’s also bi…bilingual.

#2 Edith Bunker from All in the Family

She was the sweetest woman and she put up with all of Archie’s nonsense.  Edith had a great singing voice.  Here’s a strange but true tale:  there was a girl at my college that I had many classes with that my roommate and I referred to as Edith because of the similar resemblance.  The only difference was the hair.  I asked her out but realized that she wasn’t Edith.  Oh well.

#1 tie Marge Simpson from The Simpsons/ Lois Griffin from Family Guy

I think the biggest thrill for me with these two is that they are both chubby chasers.  They both put up with their respective husbands’ incompetent boobery.  Both Lois and Marge have kinky sexual tastes; Marge likes to get it on in public and Lois is a dominatrix.  It’s a tough choice so I called it a tie.

shhhh….I was just trying to see if a post I did a long time ago could be retrieved and get the old copy pasta schtick.

I was going to post this earlier but tonight there was so much going on.  The most ridiculous show ever, Amish Mafia, and the season premier of Sons of Anarchy.

If I ever completely lose my mind, I want to become a professional wrestler called “The Deal” and whenever someone would say something or give me a funny look then I’d scream “YOU CAN’T DEAL WITH THE DEAL!”  Then I’d hit them with a barbed wire covered baseball bat.

Rumor has it that Miley Cyrus’ VMA performance has inspired Guillermo del Toro to begin production on a new horror trilogy.

So Miley Cyrus did something stupid with hair and did something sexual all up on a one hit wonder.  Can we leave her alone now and get back to scouring the internet for nude photos of celebrities?

The best thing about the internet is finding attractive people who live far away from you and you fall in love with and will never have anything to do with your sorry ass outside the internet.  Get a life, godfatherofgreenbay, you suck.

Does losing your virginity to a cucumber count?

I don’t get why people overhype losing your virginity.  They make it seem like a unicorn will pop out of nowhere and start shooting fireworks from its horn and start dancing on two feet while playing the keytar.  That doesn’t happen.  There is no keytar.

I really wish twerking would be over and die a quick death like gangam style.

I really wish I had someone to say nice things to.  I would be so awesome at saying nice things.  I’d say things like, “Nice ass, sugar tits.”

I’m really not sure if I’m getting smarter or the world is getting stupider.  Maybe I should go stick my finger in a light socket to see if my theory is correct.

The best advice I’ve ever been given was “don’t make any decisions when you’re horny.”  Thanks for the advice, grandpa.

Why is underwear so expensive?  It’s just some fabric that covers your junk.  Underwear should be given out free because the government wants us to practice modesty.

Imagine if James Bond was a woman.  I believe she would be called Jane Bond.  Now imagine her love interests and their extremely sexual names.  I think one would be Dick McHugeballs.

Boobs are so awesome.  I want to cover everything in my house with boobs but not in a weird way.

I like boobs and that is why I eat ice cream with all my meals because I don’t want to lose mine.  At least I have some to play with.

Dave Chappelle recently walked off the stage during a stand-up performance because people wanted him to do catchphrases from his TV show.  I think it’s stupid that they’d be yelling his catchphrases at him while he’s trying to perform.  I can fart the theme song to Cheer and Fraiser but I wouldn’t do it while Kelsey Grammer was performing MacBeth.

I think bombing Syria will send them a message but that message will just be a spam email telling them how they can enlarge their penises.

This World War III hysteria over Syria seems to be the predictable result of a generation whose entire understanding of world relations and foreign policy is based on video games and Ron Paul blogs.

People say we should talk about the real news like Syria instead of focusing on Miley Cyrus.  I guess everyone is ignoring my “Twerk for Syria” campaign.  Progress can only start with compromise, people.

I’m also disliking all this Syria talk because Damascus was also a city in the Bible and that’s inspired the Baptist church to come knocking on my door saying that Judgment Day is now eminent because once Damascus falls then there will be a battle at Meggido and Barack Obama will be leading the troops.

I think it would be nice to own a Dalmatian but 101 seems like it would be a tad irresponsible.

Thank gawd poems don’t have to rhyme because now I can say this is all poetry and if you disagree I’ll kick you in the poet bag.

In my head, I sound like a pre-teen girl.  On recordings, I sound like Lurch from The Addams Family.  I know everyone thinks their own voice sounds weird but I really think “I could be in a boy-band” and I’m pretty sure people who hear me think, “I wonder how many people he’s murdered after luring them into a windowless van.”

I find it weird that so many people just give their bikes away.  The other day I went by this building and there were like dozens of bikes.  I only took 5.  I thought I’d let someone else have some.

I celebrated Labor Day by Netflix by Netflix and then Netflix.

I got an unpaid intern to celebrate Labor Day for me.

I’ve found it interesting how in recent Adam Sandler movies he always has a prestigious career and hot wife or romantic lead and they absolutely adore him.  These movies reek of overcompensation.  If a guy like Sandler can get women like that then why am I single?  Oh yeah, I’m writing funny stuff on Xanga and he’s in movies because telling jokes on Xanga makes you a comedian much like wearing skinny jeans makes you skinny.

I wish someone would love me as much as white women in commercials love yogurt.

I think the best way to sum up the Bourne movies is by the blaring sound of a French police siren.

I need one of those around the neck harmonic holders but it would be for food instead like bratwurst, corn on the cob, and cheeseburgers.

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