I thought xanga was back and alive when I saw I had 35 comments. They were all spam.

The last time someone asked me to come to a party they said I should bring something so I brought a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets. I no longer get invited to parties.

I hate it when I burn the roof of my mouth but that’s ok because the 1st floor and basement of my mouth usually go unscathed.

I’ve heard they are set to release a bunch of J.D. Salinger books now that he’s dead. I bet the first one will be a biography of Van Halen.

Life is a very complex “Choose Your Own Adventure” book that ends the same way no matter what adventure you choose.

Bruce Willis will always make action movies because you know what they say about old habits.

The last time I went to a doctor she asked me if I exercised and I said, “Kinda.” She checked the “no” box on the form. Not all of us can run two marathons every weekend like you, you fascist cow.

Lately, I’ve felt that it isn’t a real car ride if I don’t hear “Blurred Lines” about 54 times.

“Blurred Lines” is a catchy song in the same way “Ring Around the Rosie” is and then you are shocked when you find out what it’s about and never want to sing it again until you hear it on a Kidz Bop CD.

Robin Thicke should’ve called a foul on Miley Cyrus at the VMAs since he was dressed like a referee.

If you think all boobs are supposed to be big and perky with nickel-sized nipples then you have probably never seen one in real life because boobs are diverse as all hell.

It’s strange how the Obama family’s first dog is named Bo. B.O. is the president’s initials. I wish I could be that vain and name my next pet MW or MEW.

Instead of shaming people for farting in public we should praise them for their courage and bravery.

Every day between new episodes of Breaking Bad is stupid and pointless.

I love how people equate marijuana with enlightenment because the most profound thing I ever thought of was a Sigmund Freud moment when I deduced that babies must suck their thumbs because of a desire for oral sex. I also thought Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” synched up pretty good with “Who Framed Roger Rabbit”.

I wonder how much “crime” is just people wanting food, healthcare, and a place to live or to copy something they saw on TV.

I find it strange that it’s OK for the government and police to listen in on your phone conversations but if I listened in on your phone conversations, especially the ones to you know who, I’d get thrown into jail.

I was saddened to see people back to school shopping and still buying Angry Birds merchandise.

Please play with my penis and not my emotions.

I went to an after hours clinic. I was hoping there’d be more hot wings and beer and less sick people.

Dogs can see ghosts. Dogs hate vacuum cleaners. Therefore vacuum cleaners pick up ghosts and trap them. Your mind is now blown. I ain’t afraid of no ghost.

I was watching Shawshank Redemption and I started wondering how long it would be before they made a remake. I know it would be stupid but has that ever stopped movie studios? I have a feeling it’s been suggested but got shot down. I reckon they’ll make a sequel first. I bet Andy will get mixed up with a drug cartel and cooks their books and gets hooked on cocaine. Then they hatch a plan on how to kill the boss and take over the cartel. It will also deal with how Red sees that the outside has changed Andy drastically. I see the movie ending with a shoot-out and Andy will scream, “Get busy dying, bitch.” Red will reply, “I can’t die. I’m too busy living.” Then Andy dies. I really need to get laid.

How come they make all this stuff from Star Trek but we have no TARDIS? At least can I get a sonic screwdriver?

Joey Fatone is the announcer of Family Feud. Well there is at least one thing One Direction has to look forward to.

The other day I checked my bank account online. While it was loading I did a drum roll and shouted “BIG MONEY! BIG MONEY! BIG MONEY!” It didn’t work just like it doesn’t work on game shows.

Most every school district in Wisconsin started today. This explains why there was a shortage of mimosas in this state.

I was at the bar the other day and angrily told my beer, “I wish I knew how to quit you.” Apparently the more I drink, the more outdated my pop culture references get.

Rumor has it that Bryan Kranston will be playing Lex Luthor in the Superman sequel which means he’ll probably be able to make kryptonite with a 99% purity.

Ben Affleck is also rumored to be the next Batman. This means that the new Bat signal will be a photo of Matt Damon.

So you’re saying if I get a tattoo on my face I’ll never have to work another day in my life? SOLD!

The NSA collected thousands of emails in 2011. Just for the record, that email I sent to Lady Gaga was written ironically. I’m too pretty for jail.

I had so much work to do this weekend but then Netflix.

If you’re not yawning at church then you’re probably yawning somewhere else.

My dentist told me I needed a crown and I replied, “I know, right?!?!?!”

Eating raw Pop Tarts is the closest I’ll get to sushi.

A lot of people overestimate my ability to make comments about my abilities being overestimated.

I bought a pair of Siamese cats and was disappointed to find out they weren’t even connected.

My current relationship status: people tell me I have an awesome personality.

I just ate 6 fun size Snickers bars and, boy, did I have fun.

One day I plan on telling my kids, “When I was a kid MTV played music videos, there were seeds in watermelons, and Michael Jackson had a normal face.” Also when I have kids and when they’re born if people ask me how much they weigh I’ll tell them their weight in metric tons. “Godfather Jr. weighed .00032 metric tons. I’m not really sure how much that is in pounds.”

“Dueling Banjos” would be more enjoyable if it was two hillbillies beating each other senseless with banjos.

When Jesus said, “Do not cast your pearls before swine,” I think he was saying that jewelry should be worth less than bacon.

I’m toying with writing a police drama set in Iceland. The cop will go to a lady’s door and knock. “Ma’am, there’s no easy way to say this but your husband fell into volcano Eyjafjallajökull.”

I had a student say he wanted to become a teacher just like Indiana Jones. WHAT A MORON! They didn’t give me a whip when I became a teacher.

I wonder if a car’s parents freak out when it gets a bumper sticker.

I bet the other people in the village are all like, “Where are the Indian, the police officer, the cowboy, the construction worker, and that one army guy?”

If I had to parallel park my SUV during the American Revolution, I would’ve mowed down the British army all by myself.

People usually lose me at “you had me at”.

Bathrooms by pools are a nice touch but completely unnecessary.

My mom said she got new luggage. I started crying. She asked me why I was crying. I said, “Oh I’m just case sensitive.”

I was talking about my old fashioned phones and my little cousin asked if a rotisserie phone was hard to use. I said, “Oh yeah, a phone covered in sauces and spices roasting over a heat source, it was extremely difficult to place calls, shithead.”

I think my kindness is about as convincing as Homer Simpson’s combover.

I miss the days when a guy had to ask a girl’s parents if he could take her out, where a girl could be beautiful wearing a skirt below the knees, when the bubonic plague decimated villages throughout Europe and left a third of the population dead. Recommend this post if you agree.

I have said that people who don’t like macaroni and cheese should burn in the fiery pits of hell but when I tell girls that I don’t like the bun hairstyle that suddenly makes me an oppressor of women whose penis should be cut off.

I think the most useless comment a person could make is “It looks like it’s going to rain.” If there’s a big black cloud in the sky what else do you think it’s going to do, molest your pets? Steal all the food from your cupboards? Finish your math homework? Program your VCR? It’s going to produce precipitation of some sort and it’s nothing noteworthy.

Is it normal for one of your testicles to be larger than the other two?

I always got so hungry when I was in Earth Science class because the teacher always made the Earth sound like a dessert when he talked about the earth having a solid center with hot layers and a thin crust.

I had my MP3 palyer on shuffle and it went from a Tori Amos song to a Macho Man Randy Savage song. I think this is telling me that my spirit animal is a sheep that likes to do flying elbows off the top rope.

Have you ever noticed that when you get older you enjoy things you hated as a kid such as naps and being spanked?

Why do people brag about not reading? That goes to show that you just have a sillinggolinagollingbeenman…just to see if anyone is reading. But seriously do you want people thinking you’re a dullard because you think it’s cool not to read?

Have you ever had to tell someone “shut up” and then they replied “make me” and you were tempted to shove your dick down their throat?

“I love Big Macs and I will eat them all the time. I don’t give a McFuck.” -The guy from Wisconsin that’s averaged eating two Big Macs a day since 1972. The first day he had a Big Mac he enjoyed it so much he ate 8 others. Don Gorske is a legend.

Why aren’t pro-lifers trying to ban vasectomies? That makes more sense than all the bans on birth control.

Some day I hope the good people at Trojan Condoms buy the naming rights to a baseball or football stadium. Couldn’t you hear the announcers, “Welcome to the safe and snug confines of Trojan Condom field, a field where the home team isn’t guaranteed to let the other team score.”

Pick-up line guaranteed for failure: Hey, baby, are you a scientist? I want to do you on a table periodically.

I think you should send me some nude pics so I can tell you how disappointed your parents will be.

Given how politically correct we are becoming, it’s only a matter of time that making fun of someone for being stupid will be called intelligence shaming.

I was thinking of making a new Xanga account but SwedishMadePenisLengtheningPumps is not a valid username.

I’m pretty sure Xanga has made me a more open-minded person and at the same time a more judgmental person.

I’m not always sure what we accomplish on Xanga except angering others or making me feel stupid.

Some of the filthiest Xangans are also some of the nicest. That’s a plug for you to think I’m nice and not your average run of the mill asshole.

You don’t have to like me here at Xanga. I’m on your computer screen and not in your life unless you consider Xanga to be your life. If that’s the case, you have major problems.

When people say they love my posts I imagine they actually pity my lonely existence.

I’ve blogged about my life, opinions, and feelings and sometimes I get death threats so that’s a pretty good indication to Xanga’s concept of blogging. God bless you, Xanga 2.0!

So this is my first post. This is strange. Who do I contact to see if my donation went through? I'll have to screw around with this to figure out how to do stuff.

how do you know when someone replies to your comment?