I was going to post this earlier but tonight there was so much going on.  The most ridiculous show ever, Amish Mafia, and the season premier of Sons of Anarchy.

If I ever completely lose my mind, I want to become a professional wrestler called “The Deal” and whenever someone would say something or give me a funny look then I’d scream “YOU CAN’T DEAL WITH THE DEAL!”  Then I’d hit them with a barbed wire covered baseball bat.

Rumor has it that Miley Cyrus’ VMA performance has inspired Guillermo del Toro to begin production on a new horror trilogy.

So Miley Cyrus did something stupid with hair and did something sexual all up on a one hit wonder.  Can we leave her alone now and get back to scouring the internet for nude photos of celebrities?

The best thing about the internet is finding attractive people who live far away from you and you fall in love with and will never have anything to do with your sorry ass outside the internet.  Get a life, godfatherofgreenbay, you suck.

Does losing your virginity to a cucumber count?

I don’t get why people overhype losing your virginity.  They make it seem like a unicorn will pop out of nowhere and start shooting fireworks from its horn and start dancing on two feet while playing the keytar.  That doesn’t happen.  There is no keytar.

I really wish twerking would be over and die a quick death like gangam style.

I really wish I had someone to say nice things to.  I would be so awesome at saying nice things.  I’d say things like, “Nice ass, sugar tits.”

I’m really not sure if I’m getting smarter or the world is getting stupider.  Maybe I should go stick my finger in a light socket to see if my theory is correct.

The best advice I’ve ever been given was “don’t make any decisions when you’re horny.”  Thanks for the advice, grandpa.

Why is underwear so expensive?  It’s just some fabric that covers your junk.  Underwear should be given out free because the government wants us to practice modesty.

Imagine if James Bond was a woman.  I believe she would be called Jane Bond.  Now imagine her love interests and their extremely sexual names.  I think one would be Dick McHugeballs.

Boobs are so awesome.  I want to cover everything in my house with boobs but not in a weird way.

I like boobs and that is why I eat ice cream with all my meals because I don’t want to lose mine.  At least I have some to play with.

Dave Chappelle recently walked off the stage during a stand-up performance because people wanted him to do catchphrases from his TV show.  I think it’s stupid that they’d be yelling his catchphrases at him while he’s trying to perform.  I can fart the theme song to Cheer and Fraiser but I wouldn’t do it while Kelsey Grammer was performing MacBeth.

I think bombing Syria will send them a message but that message will just be a spam email telling them how they can enlarge their penises.

This World War III hysteria over Syria seems to be the predictable result of a generation whose entire understanding of world relations and foreign policy is based on video games and Ron Paul blogs.

People say we should talk about the real news like Syria instead of focusing on Miley Cyrus.  I guess everyone is ignoring my “Twerk for Syria” campaign.  Progress can only start with compromise, people.

I’m also disliking all this Syria talk because Damascus was also a city in the Bible and that’s inspired the Baptist church to come knocking on my door saying that Judgment Day is now eminent because once Damascus falls then there will be a battle at Meggido and Barack Obama will be leading the troops.

I think it would be nice to own a Dalmatian but 101 seems like it would be a tad irresponsible.

Thank gawd poems don’t have to rhyme because now I can say this is all poetry and if you disagree I’ll kick you in the poet bag.

In my head, I sound like a pre-teen girl.  On recordings, I sound like Lurch from The Addams Family.  I know everyone thinks their own voice sounds weird but I really think “I could be in a boy-band” and I’m pretty sure people who hear me think, “I wonder how many people he’s murdered after luring them into a windowless van.”

I find it weird that so many people just give their bikes away.  The other day I went by this building and there were like dozens of bikes.  I only took 5.  I thought I’d let someone else have some.

I celebrated Labor Day by Netflix by Netflix and then Netflix.

I got an unpaid intern to celebrate Labor Day for me.

I’ve found it interesting how in recent Adam Sandler movies he always has a prestigious career and hot wife or romantic lead and they absolutely adore him.  These movies reek of overcompensation.  If a guy like Sandler can get women like that then why am I single?  Oh yeah, I’m writing funny stuff on Xanga and he’s in movies because telling jokes on Xanga makes you a comedian much like wearing skinny jeans makes you skinny.

I wish someone would love me as much as white women in commercials love yogurt.

I think the best way to sum up the Bourne movies is by the blaring sound of a French police siren.

I need one of those around the neck harmonic holders but it would be for food instead like bratwurst, corn on the cob, and cheeseburgers.

And now for your weekly dose of Motivation:
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