September 11, 2013

• Motivation

  I was going to post this earlier but tonight there was so much going on.  The most ridiculous show ever, Amish Mafia, and the season premier of Sons of Anarchy.

  If I ever completely lose my mind, I want to become a professional wrestler called “The Deal” and whenever someone would say something or give me a funny look then I’d scream “YOU CAN’T DEAL WITH THE DEAL!”  Then I’d hit them with a barbed wire covered baseball bat.

  Rumor has it that Miley Cyrus’ VMA performance has inspired Guillermo del Toro to begin production on a new horror trilogy.

  So Miley Cyrus did something stupid with hair and did something sexual all up on a one hit wonder.  Can we leave her alone now and get back to scouring the internet for nude photos of celebrities?

  The best thing about the internet is finding attractive people who live far away from you and you fall in love with and will never have anything to do with your sorry ass outside the internet.  Get a life, godfatherofgreenbay, you suck.

  Does losing your virginity to a cucumber count?

  I don’t get why people overhype losing your virginity.  They make it seem like a unicorn will pop out of nowhere and start shooting fireworks from its horn and start dancing on two feet while playing the keytar.  That doesn’t happen.  There is no keytar.

  I really wish twerking would be over and die a quick death like gangam style.

  I really wish I had someone to say nice things to.  I would be so awesome at saying nice things.  I’d say things like, “Nice ass, sugar tits.”

  I’m really not sure if I’m getting smarter or the world is getting stupider.  Maybe I should go stick my finger in a light socket to see if my theory is correct.

  The best advice I’ve ever been given was “don’t make any decisions when you’re horny.”  Thanks for the advice, grandpa.

  Why is underwear so expensive?  It’s just some fabric that covers your junk.  Underwear should be given out free because the government wants us to practice modesty.

  Imagine if James Bond was a woman.  I believe she would be called Jane Bond.  Now imagine her love interests and their extremely sexual names.  I think one would be Dick McHugeballs.

  Boobs are so awesome.  I want to cover everything in my house with boobs but not in a weird way.

  I like boobs and that is why I eat ice cream with all my meals because I don’t want to lose mine.  At least I have some to play with.

  Dave Chappelle recently walked off the stage during a stand-up performance because people wanted him to do catchphrases from his TV show.  I think it’s stupid that they’d be yelling his catchphrases at him while he’s trying to perform.  I can fart the theme song to Cheer and Fraiser but I wouldn’t do it while Kelsey Grammer was performing MacBeth.

  I think bombing Syria will send them a message but that message will just be a spam email telling them how they can enlarge their penises.

  This World War III hysteria over Syria seems to be the predictable result of a generation whose entire understanding of world relations and foreign policy is based on video games and Ron Paul blogs.

  People say we should talk about the real news like Syria instead of focusing on Miley Cyrus.  I guess everyone is ignoring my “Twerk for Syria” campaign.  Progress can only start with compromise, people.

  I’m also disliking all this Syria talk because Damascus was also a city in the Bible and that’s inspired the Baptist church to come knocking on my door saying that Judgment Day is now eminent because once Damascus falls then there will be a battle at Meggido and Barack Obama will be leading the troops.

  I think it would be nice to own a Dalmatian but 101 seems like it would be a tad irresponsible.

  Thank gawd poems don’t have to rhyme because now I can say this is all poetry and if you disagree I’ll kick you in the poet bag.

  In my head, I sound like a pre-teen girl.  On recordings, I sound like Lurch from The Addams Family.  I know everyone thinks their own voice sounds weird but I really think “I could be in a boy-band” and I’m pretty sure people who hear me think, “I wonder how many people he’s murdered after luring them into a windowless van.”

  I find it weird that so many people just give their bikes away.  The other day I went by this building and there were like dozens of bikes.  I only took 5.  I thought I’d let someone else have some.

  I celebrated Labor Day by Netflix by Netflix and then Netflix.

  I got an unpaid intern to celebrate Labor Day for me.

  I’ve found it interesting how in recent Adam Sandler movies he always has a prestigious career and hot wife or romantic lead and they absolutely adore him.  These movies reek of overcompensation.  If a guy like Sandler can get women like that then why am I single?  Oh yeah, I’m writing funny stuff on Xanga and he’s in movies because telling jokes on Xanga makes you a comedian much like wearing skinny jeans makes you skinny.

  I wish someone would love me as much as white women in commercials love yogurt.

  I think the best way to sum up the Bourne movies is by the blaring sound of a French police siren.

  I need one of those around the neck harmonic holders but it would be for food instead like bratwurst, corn on the cob, and cheeseburgers.

  And now for your weekly dose of Motivation:
  
  
  I looked out my window the other day and saw a guy wearing sandals and socks and he had an iPad in a holster attached to his belt.  Did America lose a war that I was unaware of?

  I’m so worried that my sex tape is going to be realized and you will all see how my room is decorated so tackily.  I will just die.

  I went to a shotgun wedding recently.  I was really upset to find out that no one married an actual gun.

  I sort of wish they’d invent a fingernail clipper but for your foreskin instead.

  I’m pretty sure the reason they riot after soccer games is because they are extremely bored and need to see some action.

  The best part of a new school year is checking out all the hot mom talent.  The worst part is having to talk to 4^th graders about twerking and why they shouldn’t be doing it on the playground.

  Recently I went to browse Craigslist so I could laugh at all the stupid, lonely people but if I needed to laugh all I’d have to do is look in a mirror.  Anyway, to make a long story short, I now own a forklift.

  I was so bummed out to learn that “insane” and “creative” are not synonyms. 

  They aren’t love handles if no one loves you.

  Every time I exit a public bathroom, I wonder how much a confetti cannon would cost.

  “Twerk” was added to the Oxford Online Dictionary.  If anyone needs me, I’ll be working on my spaceship in my backyard.

  The garbage workers that cover Sesame Street must be on strike considering how long Oscar the Grouch has been in that trash can and not been taken to a dump.

  Steven Spielberg was 26 when he made Jaws.  I’m 33 and I write pornographic haikus.

  If someone ever asks you “are you busy,” the answer is always “yes”.  If you don’t say “yes” then you’re about to become busy.

  I can’t believe this waitress at the diner asked if I wanted molasses.  I want nothing to do with moles let alone their asses.

  I’m buying all my friends that meet me at the Kwik Trip near my house in the next 15 minutes a 44 ounce slushy, Slim Jims, and chocolate and peanut butter rice crispy treats.

  I feel that people should be giving me more compliments every day.

  I recently watched a guy on a scooter drag race a smart car.  It was so adorable.

  I accidentally stepped on an aluminum can.  The executives at Kia were so impressed that I am now a safety engineer.

  You know when Robin Thicke had his braces taken off his dad sang, “Show me that smile again.”

  My lips taste really good.  You should try them.

  Is it possible to even satisfy a movie critic?  Nothing is good enough for them.  I’d hate being married to one of those critics.  “You’re love making was shallow and pedantic.”  I don’t even know what that means.

  I called a girl a redhead and she got offended by that.  I guess I should’ve handled the situation more gingerly.

  Self-love is being able to stand naked in front of a mirror after eating at a Chinese buffet and liking what you see.

  Have you ever thought about the future and the future of long distance relationships?  It’ll be like, “Oh man, I met this cool girl on the internet but she’s from Neptune.”

  Are you imaging dildos being thrown at your head?  Well you are now.

  It would be nice if a stray dog running into my yard to hump my leg while picking apples wasn’t the only action I get.

  If porn stars have blogs and then write risqué things and post pornographic photos, do they label their posts NSFW or would they be actually SFW?

  I don’t think vegans are allowed to masturbate because that would be enjoying the meat.

  I really would like a milkshake but I don’t think I could handle my backyard being filled with girls this late at night.

  CNN had an article titled, “MTV Explains Why It Canceled Jersey Shore”.  I could give you the answer without reading the article; the monthly Valtrex bill was too damn high.

  Imagine if lizards had ears.  They would be so cool but then I guess if you’re warm-blooded then it doesn’t pay to be cool.

  If I don’t have sex soon I’m going to lose my mind but then there isn’t much to lose so I guess that means all a girl needs to do is touch my shoulder.

  I was talking to a girl recently and she said that she has never been to my town’s “lie-berry”.  I had no problem believing her.

  I just did laundry.  I think “laundry” is a French word meaning “eat raw cookie dough and scratch your balls while watching Netflix”.

  I recently enjoyed some much needed family time.  “Family Time” is what my friend Otis calls his illegally made moonshine.

  The day I waited for my pizza to cool instead of having it burn the roof of my mouth was the day I officially became an adult.

  All my friends think I’m asexual because I don’t date.  The real reason I don’t date is because no one finds me interesting or good looking enough to date.

  Cooking is like masturbating.  It’s much better if someone does it for you and there’s bacon and cheese involved.

  My horoscope this morning said that all romance took was a look.  Most every woman is giving me a look of disgust so no romance for me.

  “Amish Paradise” by Weird Al started playing on my radio as I was passing three Amish buggies.  I really do love living up here.

  I watched the 1932 version of the movie Scarface and I know this will get me banished from the rap community but I liked this one so much more than the Al Pacino version.

  I’ve been thinking that if I get married will I invite all my Xanga friends to the wedding.  Then if I did I wonder if they will be there on their laptops or smartphones blogging about the whole thing and stirring up drama along the way.  “There’s no way the godfather should be wearing white.”

  It’s just Xanga not an English essay.  Lighten up, people.

  • 6:42 PM
  • 16 Comments