When a man loves a woman ___________ (fill in the blank)

You know how people crack backs?  I need someone to crack my knee.  Who wants to come over and put me in the Scorpion Death Lock?  Even the Figure Four Leg Lock sounds good right about now.  I’m also lonely and looking for a girl to help me complete a Boston Crab.  I shouldn’t write these when watching wrestling.

I saw an Amish guy reading 50 Shades of Grey.  I don’t think the bishop is going to like that.  If that guy is anything like this one Amish family I know then after their 22^nd child he and his wife need something to spice up their lovemaking.

I’ve been thinking of having kids lately.  I sort of wanted to have a daughter so I could treat her like a princess but with my luck she’d become Mary Tudor.

I’ve often heard people say, “Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.  Beer before liquor, you’ll never be sicker.”  I contend it’s “Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.  Beer before liquor, you’ll be OK if you don’t like a little bitch.”

I’m pretty sure all the people who make computer viruses are the kids who got bullied in high school for playing Dungeons and Dragons.

If you’ve never had to privilege of having someone in your house try to pleasure a woman on an air mattress, I don’t recommend it.

My favorite sext message: “What’s your favorite season of The Office?”

My second favorite sext message: “What do you think America should do with a $17trillion deficit?”

All I wanna do is (dolphin sound)(dolphin sound) and (foghorn)(old jalopy car horn) and take all your money.

I’m going to the Brewers game tonight.  Look for the guy who pushes kids out of the way for a foul ball and then twerks in their face once I catch it.

75% of my work day is spent furiously trying to recreate the fart sound you think you heard my chair make when I got up

“IT’S SUNDAY!  IT’S SUNDAY!” –hardcore Christians or Breaking Bad fans

A guy came up while I was watching CNN about the recent shooting.  He said, “Huh?  A shooting?  How awful!”  Then he went on talking about his weekend.  That’s we are now as a country.

I was watching my neighbor’s dog poop and it finally dawned on me where twerking originated.

I’ve noticed that neck tattoos at Walmart are down at least 65%.  Come on, we need to kickstart this economy.

20 years ago, Nirvana’s “In Utero” was released.  If you need me, I’ll be over here in my flannel shirt filling out my AARP application.

One day someone will be envious of me for something.  Hopefully it’s my enormous penis.

People who have rejected my recent marriage proposals:  that one Xangan, Carrie Brownstein, Maya Rudolph, Winona Ryder, and a slice of taco pizza.

Good ways to improve your mood: fall asleep watching The Simpsons, wake up to The Simpsons, watch The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, float away into outer space, live on the moon forever, eat a slice of taco pizza.

If I ran Maxim, Carrie Brownstein or Maya Rudolph would top the list of the Maxim Hot 100 every year.  Also, if I ran Maxim I’d probably set myself on fire.

I’m pretty sure a blog is formed when your loneliness and narcissism meet and fall in love.

It’s funny how when Miley Cyrus licks a hammer it’s called “art” and “music” but when I do it I’m “drunk” and “have to leave Walmart immediately”.

I honestly don’t understand why they make super skimpy Halloween costumes for women and why women buy them.  I don’t mean it as shaming of sluts but it’s the last day of October and it’s always cold.  What makes you think those costumes are practical?

Why are bagels so much better than bread?  My head knows it’s just a bread circle but my heart sings a different song.

You know some people say that Obama is a strategic genius by threatening to go to war with Syria and by putting the decision in Congress’ hands, when they are opposed to anything he wants, will make him look like the strong and concerned leader with an uncaring Congress.  He’ll come off looking strong but that’s really weak in my opinion.  He’s threatening other people’s lives on a gambit so he can look tough.  That’s about as tough as the punks who threaten to kick your ass one on one when they’re standing with about a dozen people backing them up.  The strongest thing he could do is walk away…just like Billy Jack.

I know a lot about the female body because this one time I saw a opossum get hit on the highway.

I recently got my time machine finished and I went to the year 2000 and tried to describe dubstep to people and they all said, “Oh you mean ‘Sandstorm’ by Darude.”

The word “platonic” comes from Plato so I guess Plato invented the friend zone.

Why do people drink fat free milk?  It tastes like nothing.  We might as well call it cow water.

Robin Thicke was in a Burger King wanting to order lunch but there was a family of ducks in front of him ordering massive amounts of food.  He hates those bird lines.

There’s a huge difference between racism and dinosaurs which is probably why they never get confused for each other…not even on Xanga.

I sort of get the feeling that Tim Burton would remake one of his own movies.

I would never cheat in a relationship because that would mean two people would have to find me attractive.

Sometimes I wonder if Maury is really the father.

I yell “No Homo” quite a bit ever since I bought a dog and named him “Homo”.  I frequently yell “No Homo!  You pissed on me!”

Whenever Eminem raps it sounds like when my mom or dad talks to a telemarketer calling from India.

I think I should stop making forever alone jokes because I figure the more I make the more likely it is that I’ll die alone with my cats and Nutella.  And as much as I worry about dying alone, I’m not going to marry out of fear for being alone.  That’s sort of like amputating your arm because you’re fearful of future mosquito bites.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:
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