September 18, 2013

• Motivation

  You know how people crack backs?  I need someone to crack my knee.  Who wants to come over and put me in the Scorpion Death Lock?  Even the Figure Four Leg Lock sounds good right about now.  I’m also lonely and looking for a girl to help me complete a Boston Crab.  I shouldn’t write these when watching wrestling.

  I saw an Amish guy reading 50 Shades of Grey.  I don’t think the bishop is going to like that.  If that guy is anything like this one Amish family I know then after their 22^nd child he and his wife need something to spice up their lovemaking.

  I’ve been thinking of having kids lately.  I sort of wanted to have a daughter so I could treat her like a princess but with my luck she’d become Mary Tudor.

  I’ve often heard people say, “Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.  Beer before liquor, you’ll never be sicker.”  I contend it’s “Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.  Beer before liquor, you’ll be OK if you don’t like a little bitch.”

  I’m pretty sure all the people who make computer viruses are the kids who got bullied in high school for playing Dungeons and Dragons.

  If you’ve never had to privilege of having someone in your house try to pleasure a woman on an air mattress, I don’t recommend it.

  My favorite sext message: “What’s your favorite season of The Office?”

  My second favorite sext message: “What do you think America should do with a $17trillion deficit?”

  All I wanna do is (dolphin sound)(dolphin sound) and (foghorn)(old jalopy car horn) and take all your money.

  I’m going to the Brewers game tonight.  Look for the guy who pushes kids out of the way for a foul ball and then twerks in their face once I catch it.

  75% of my work day is spent furiously trying to recreate the fart sound you think you heard my chair make when I got up

  “IT’S SUNDAY!  IT’S SUNDAY!” –hardcore Christians or Breaking Bad fans

  A guy came up while I was watching CNN about the recent shooting.  He said, “Huh?  A shooting?  How awful!”  Then he went on talking about his weekend.  That’s we are now as a country.

  I was watching my neighbor’s dog poop and it finally dawned on me where twerking originated.

  I’ve noticed that neck tattoos at Walmart are down at least 65%.  Come on, we need to kickstart this economy.

  20 years ago, Nirvana’s “In Utero” was released.  If you need me, I’ll be over here in my flannel shirt filling out my AARP application.

  One day someone will be envious of me for something.  Hopefully it’s my enormous penis.

  People who have rejected my recent marriage proposals:  that one Xangan, Carrie Brownstein, Maya Rudolph, Winona Ryder, and a slice of taco pizza.

  Good ways to improve your mood: fall asleep watching The Simpsons, wake up to The Simpsons, watch The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, float away into outer space, live on the moon forever, eat a slice of taco pizza.

  If I ran Maxim, Carrie Brownstein or Maya Rudolph would top the list of the Maxim Hot 100 every year.  Also, if I ran Maxim I’d probably set myself on fire.

  I’m pretty sure a blog is formed when your loneliness and narcissism meet and fall in love.

  It’s funny how when Miley Cyrus licks a hammer it’s called “art” and “music” but when I do it I’m “drunk” and “have to leave Walmart immediately”.

  I honestly don’t understand why they make super skimpy Halloween costumes for women and why women buy them.  I don’t mean it as shaming of sluts but it’s the last day of October and it’s always cold.  What makes you think those costumes are practical?

  Why are bagels so much better than bread?  My head knows it’s just a bread circle but my heart sings a different song.

  You know some people say that Obama is a strategic genius by threatening to go to war with Syria and by putting the decision in Congress’ hands, when they are opposed to anything he wants, will make him look like the strong and concerned leader with an uncaring Congress.  He’ll come off looking strong but that’s really weak in my opinion.  He’s threatening other people’s lives on a gambit so he can look tough.  That’s about as tough as the punks who threaten to kick your ass one on one when they’re standing with about a dozen people backing them up.  The strongest thing he could do is walk away…just like Billy Jack.

  I know a lot about the female body because this one time I saw a opossum get hit on the highway.

  I recently got my time machine finished and I went to the year 2000 and tried to describe dubstep to people and they all said, “Oh you mean ‘Sandstorm’ by Darude.”

  The word “platonic” comes from Plato so I guess Plato invented the friend zone.

  Why do people drink fat free milk?  It tastes like nothing.  We might as well call it cow water.

  Robin Thicke was in a Burger King wanting to order lunch but there was a family of ducks in front of him ordering massive amounts of food.  He hates those bird lines.

  There’s a huge difference between racism and dinosaurs which is probably why they never get confused for each other…not even on Xanga.

  I sort of get the feeling that Tim Burton would remake one of his own movies.

  I would never cheat in a relationship because that would mean two people would have to find me attractive.

  Sometimes I wonder if Maury is really the father.

  I yell “No Homo” quite a bit ever since I bought a dog and named him “Homo”.  I frequently yell “No Homo!  You pissed on me!”

  Whenever Eminem raps it sounds like when my mom or dad talks to a telemarketer calling from India.

  I think I should stop making forever alone jokes because I figure the more I make the more likely it is that I’ll die alone with my cats and Nutella.  And as much as I worry about dying alone, I’m not going to marry out of fear for being alone.  That’s sort of like amputating your arm because you’re fearful of future mosquito bites.

  And now your weekly dose of motivation:
  
  
  
  

  I often tell children that the proper way to do math is to write out the problems and then cry because you don’t understand it and make sure to show your work.

  I’m pretty sure gay marriage will take a long time to be accepted because there are people still against biracial marriage and to prove it they won’t even eat Ding Dongs or drink chocolate milk.

  They often say that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw rocks.  Well people who live in glass houses shouldn’t do a lot of things like walk around naked or live in glass houses because I bet it gets really hot in a glass house.

  My life jacket is so huge, I literally swim in it.

  If they make a movie about Twitter it has to have 140 characters or less.

  There are two type of people in the world, those who will quote Monty Python with me in the break room and those people who have active sex lives.

  Pick-up line destined to fail: Girl, if your pants were a .rar file I would unzip them.

  Do people commonly use lawn flamingos as beer bongs or are Wisconsinites just that hardcore?

  I’ve been on the internet for quite a while and I see the term “gpoy” thrown around quite a bit.  I have no clue what this stands for and the only thing that comes to mind doesn’t make sense.  Why would a girl post a photo of herself and then write “gpoy” which obviously stands for “girls pee on you”?  Oh wait a second.

  When someone dumps you these days you should do what any respectable person would do and post their name and phone number on 4Chan.

  Only three things in life are certain: death, taxes, and a local news anchor will pronounce Hispanic names with a fake accent.

  I’m pretty sure my life is becoming an unfunny version of Groundhog’s Day.

  It scares me that if you Google “Where am I”, Google will tell you your location.  It also scares me that people would have to ask Google where they are located.

  Have you ever been in a group of people that had known each other for such a long time that when you let out a silent fart they knew it was you because they knew each other so well that they knew the scent of each other’s farts?

  I thought it was pretty cool that I found a newspaper that my dad had kept from the day I was born but my joy was short lived because he told me he has just been stuck on the crossword puzzle for all these years.

  Have you ever went to McDonald’s or Chik-Fil-A and used their free wifi to download shemale porn?  They aren’t loving it and they will throw Bibles at you.

  It seems like every woman considers her husband to be a moron.  It’s true.  Married men are stupid.  Smart men remain single.

  I don’t know how many college girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I’m pretty sure they’d post photos of them changing the bulb on Facebook.

  They often say that you can tell how good a person will be in bed after ten seconds.  It’s just a shame that all the girls I’ll be with will never will never get to truly know how good I am at sex because I’m done before 10 seconds is up.

  I’ve found that the best way to get high for free is to tell pot smokers that you’ve never tried pot before.

  Has there ever been a sane person that has been impressed by the amount of bass coming from a car?

  I’ve found a cool alternative to making my own pizza.  I buy one that’s already made.

  I hear people talking about having a bad hair day.  Does that include armpits, legs, and pubes?  Or is it just the head?  Oh it’s just the head.  Not so bad, is it?

  Every time I see someone with keys on a lanyard around their neck or keys on a belt loop I automatically assume they’re a janitor and I ask them to clean up a mess.

  I got a friend a pretty cool birthday present.  I got an empty refrigerator box and wrapped it with paper.  When he opened it and there was nothing inside I screamed, “Oh shit!  The ninja got out!”

  I recently was reading the current issue of Maxim magazine because it had an “article” about the girl who played Ruthie on Seventh Heaven.  She is incredibly beautiful and I became aroused.  I can’t believe I masturbated to her photos.  The whole time I was doing it I kept hearing the voice of her TV dad, the pastor, saying “What you’re doing is sinful.”  Then I’d hear the voice of her TV mom, the airheaded pastor’s wife, saying, “You have to have faith.”  I guess that will teach me never to read a Maxim at a church.

  I saw a beautiful pregnant woman the other day.  Yeah, I’m one of those perverts.  I think I’ve turned pervert like that because the majority of the 1600 spam comments I’ve received since Xanga 2.0 has started revolve around getting girls pregnant, adult breastfeeding, and proper positions for pregnancy sex.  Anyway, this girl was drop dead gorgeous and then I saw her t-shirt.  She was wearing a Shitcago Bears shirt.  And to make matters worse, her husband was wearing a Duck Dynasty shirt.  Shouldn’t that be considered pre-child abuse?

  I wonder how much weight I would lose if Xanga was considered exercise.

  I just did a profile on eHarmony and my results came back: “No matches found.  Go back to Xanga and masturbating.”

  If Xanga didn’t exist, what would you be doing right now?  I bet it would be masturbating.

  “I can’t wait until I become famous and make millions of dollars because of my Xanga.” -Morons

  What did annoyingly opinionated people do before they were allowed to reply to posts, pulses, and comments on Xanga?

  Hey, want to hear a good Xanga joke?  Too bad, some people would be sure to take it serious and get offended and rate my site EX.

  Today is national kiss day.  You can kiss my ass by recommending this post.  Oops, Xanga doesn’t have the recommend feature anymore.

  • 7:00 PM
  • 13 Comments