September 20, 2013

• Dear Penthouse

  Because Penthouse magazine recently declared chapter 11 bankruptcy I decided to repost something I wrote a few years ago.

  I’ve often read Penthouse Letters.  Yeah, I’ll admit to it.  It stimulates my mind.  Anyway over the years I have realized that some of those letters have to be edited and then some most be fake.  I guess what I’ve lately been wondering if there are any rejected letters.  How horrible are these letters to Penthouse if they get rejected?  I thought of what they might look like.

  Dear Penthouse,
  I was stupid and I dropped out of high school.  I haven’t had any luck finding decent work.  Thankfully I was hired by a pizza chain as a driver.  I know I’ve read plenty of stories in your publications about pizza delivery guys that get “tips” from lonely women.  After a few months I thought all those stories were false but then one night all that was changed.  I was dropping off an extra sausage pizza which has to be code for something, right?  The lady who answered the door was pretty good looking despite not wearing any make-up and having her hair in curlers.  I said, “Here’s your extra sausage, ma’am.”  She took a long drag on her cigarette and then hacked up a bunch of phlegm.
  “Come inside and I’ll give you a tip,” she said as I nervously entered.  She was wearing a housecoat that covered up everything.  She came back with her hand on the belt of the housecoat and fiddled with it as she said, “Here’s your tip.”  She handed me the money for the pizza and $5 extra.
  A $5 tip!  I was stoked.  I drove to the local Walgreens and bought a bottle of lube and sat in the parking lot and masturbated furiously because that was the best tip I’ve ever been given.  Then I returned to the restaurant to deliver more pizzas.

  Dear Penthouse,
  My boyfriend and I have been dating for months and because he lives with his parents and I live with my parents, we never have time alone.  Finally one night my parents were gone so I had my boyfriend come over.  We were finally going to do it!  I lit candles and made the house romantic.  He finally got there and he greeted me with a kiss.  We were like two animals in lust.  We made it to the couch but before I let him do anything I made him suit up.  I went to go get something to drink and popped a bag of popcorn while he figured out how to tear open the condom package.  Finally he was ready to go.  We started kissing again and he said, “Damn, girl, you are so tight.”  The only problem was he wasn’t “in” me.  He started humping something but I had no idea what he was doing.  Then he screamed out in pleasure which was followed by a scream of pain.  He had his dick between the cushions on the couch and the condom had got stuck on a zipper in the cushion.  Well as he came all over the underside of the couch, he cut himself on the zipper.  I had to go get him some ice and take him to the emergency room because he was bleeding all over the place.

  Dear Penthouse
  I thought this was going to be another lousy Valentine’s Day.  A few of my single friends and I headed for the bar for their lonely hearts night festivities.  We were sharing drinks and having great conversation and then I so a blonde glancing in my direction.  She was a knock-out.  Now, I’m not a remotely attractive male so it was strange to have this attractive of a woman looking at me.
  I finally got up the courage and walked over to her and introduced myself.  She said her name was Lola and that she was there all by herself.  She was the perfect woman…small tits, tight ass, muscular arms…she was everything I want in a woman all in one package.
  We found a table in the corner of the bar and we began petting each other.  Her hands worked their way up my thighs and we shared a long and deep kiss.  I knew it was time to head to Lola’s apartment.
  Lola opened a bottle of wine.  She poured me a glass and told me to relax and loosen up.  She then said she was going to go change into something more comfortable.  I gulped down the wine and loosened the tie around my neck.  Lola came out wearing some black lingerie and asked if I was relaxed.  I nodded.  She knelt in front of me and unbuttoned my shirt.  She helped me take it off.  She then pulled my belt out of my pants.  I soon found myself sitting on her couch wearing nothing but my boxers.  She then slipped my boxers off.  I was sitting there naked as the day I was born.
  Lola then reached down with her very large hands and gripped my cock.  I was so excited that I emptied my sack all over her hands.  Lola laughed and said I was too excited.  She told me to take another glass of wine and drink it.  Then Lola stood upand said, “Now it’s my turn.”  That was when I noticed the growing bulge in “her” underwear.
  

  Dear Penthouse,
  I totally fucked this one hot chick.

  • 12:50 AM
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