September 24, 2013

  • About Me

    Well once again...blah blah blah...Xanga is starting to become not fun because they aren't making this site interactive fast enough.  I feel bad for people who paid for this.

    MEW
    A smile
    Potato, cheese, and garlic pirogi
    Golden Corral…they thaw their frozen food by spraying hot water on it, not that it is wrong but they have to food placed on the floor.
    beer
    does it count if I didn’t hug back but they just came up to me and said I looked like I needed a hug and I grumbled?
    nope
    sure
    I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and doggone it, people like me.  I may also throw in that I can sing and I am strong
    I was at a church picnic or a Chinese place
    It’s either Jesus or Evan Williams
    12:23AM
    kids shouting at the bus stop across from my house
    can I say both since I am a fan of both
    yes
    Italian
    St. Swithun’s Day
    Who doesn’t
    not really unless they smell
    I always get the feeling that they are actually insults geared toward the wearer of the tattoo but if I get a tattoo it will be a Chinese symbol for the word "barbwire"
    only if her husband agrees...and this was posted 4 years ago
    I’m not that special or lovable
    Once again, Jesus or Evan Williams
    Only for sexy times purposes
    No and for a whole summer I worked next to a bungee jump business
    No
    not that I am aware of but when people hit on me it usually goes over my head because it happens so rarely
    2 cats
    yeah, he had a bad case of sunburn
    sunny and somewhat warm
    syndicated 2 and a Half Men
    Tonight You Belong to Me sung by Steve Martin and Bernadette Peters
    Gallipoli, I think it was Mel Gibson’s first movie.  He gets naked and you see his bare-ass but that is not why I watched
    No, I fear hurting my eye with them
    Library
    Birds, dogs, heights, dying alone
    at one point it was up to 7
    I have thought about the nipples but I have an inny and I don’t know if I want doorknockers
    Women are embarrassed by me
    the last thing I ordered from a Starbucks was a bottle of their cinnamon syrup
    I’m not reading, I’m filling out a survey.  OK but I regularily read ESPN: The Magazine and Maxim
    repeatedly
    sure
    at the moment I am really digging old shows like Rome and Freaks and Geeks oh and The Shield and Sons of Anarchy and of course Big Brother
    Never played it even though I had a free account because I bought a South Park DVD
    yes
    Chris Farley, Jon Candy, William Howard Taft
    Megan Fox with a ball gag in her mouth and in a prison cell for life
    so difficult…Pulp Fiction or Clerks
    no
    I once got caught cheating on a test, I hadn’t received my copy and a classmate asked me a question and I gave him the answer.  I had five points taken off my test and I still got an A+
    I must admit I love the smell of napalm in the morning and gasoline and freshly baked bread
    I mostly eat plain because it is healthier than the other two options
    no but it sounds fun
    I did a few ride alongs with a police department
    an aunt passed away earlier this summer
    Our Lady Peace…Nickelback is the worst band and quite possible the most overrated in the history of rock
    Now that I answered the Nickelback question, they relly bug me, I am also irritated by people talking to themselves out loud
    as a performer he was OK but I detest him as a human being
    Taco Bell
    Ah…I have always loved this stuff called Happy by Clinique
    toss up between the Red Sox and the Brewers
    when I was a strange pre-teen I found an add for a phone sex number in one of my dad’s magazines…it was something like 1-900-WET-FART.  It was a let down.
    Depends on the person, sometimes the nose rings look like boogers
    5 days, I started seeing things
    years ago, in college for PE, I bowled an 11
    people think I am strange because I like to sleep on the floor
    a Christian life insurance company
    today
    a bottle of Peach Schnapps


    If you want to know more, ask.
    And now for the more personal touch in a style of Jeopardy.

    This measures 13 inches.  What is my forearm?  (What did you think it was, perv)
    This is 10 inches in circumference.  What is my wrist? (It’s hard to find watches)
    This is 12 inches.  What is my fist? (and I wear a size 15 ring)
    This is 22 inches.  What are my biceps?  (I feel bad that I have yet to achieve Hulk Hogan’s 24 inch pythons)
    This is 26 inches.  What are my calf muscles? (Yes, I am a power lifter.  I was once able to do 1000lbs on a hip sled and could squat 600+lbs.  I maxed out on a bench press at 425lbs but now I am down to 300lbs)

    And now what you all are anxiously waiting for

     

    This is a nude pic.  Yes, that’s right picture.  When I was student teaching, my supervisor chewed me out for not using proper English terms for photographs and pictures. 

    http://www.czbrats.com/Photos/stevens.jpg

    I said the above was a picture.  He said no that it was a photograph.  Photographs are living people and real things.  Pictures contain no “real” objects.  He was quite anal about this and ranted for a good half hour.  So I don’t feel so bad sharing a nude picture of myself

    Yes, it’s a disturbing picture but to borrow a line from the Blood Hound Gang “I’m hung like planet Pluto, hard to see with the naked eye.”

    Well I hope you have enjoyed this little look into my madness.

Comments (16)

  • Holy shit, I learned something. Only one thing.

  • Yeah I won't wear contact lenses because I heard too many horror stories of them flipping or getting stuck, and I'd REALLY like to keep my eyes.

    And that is a brilliant drawing.

    • I remember my roommate in college had them and he never changed them and almost always left them in. I mean he took them out maybe once every two weeks. He had so many eye problems. I can't subject myself to that. Anything with the eyes repulses me. I get freaked out when I go to the eye doctor. I either break out into laughter or get horribly creeped out and feel like throwing up.

  • I enjoyed reading this a lot. Love your humor.

  • I like the smell of gasoline too but airplane fuel and the stuff they run in NASCAR cars is totally the best!

    • I've never had the opportunity to smell the NASCAR stuff. I've only been to races a handful of times. Both were dirt tracks and most of the races were not built up cars.

  • Your "madness" is not madness to me! Enjoyed this a lot!
    I had a crush on John Candy. When he died I actually grieved for a long time...and it took awhile before I could rewatch one of his movies. Now I watch them and smile and laugh.
    HUGS!!! :-)
    PS...If I laughed at the Jesus answers, does that cement my place in Heck?!

    • I have troubles watching The Sopranos. I feel almost like having an anxiety attack when I see the previews for the new James Gandolfini movie.
      Well if that sent you to hell just wait if I decide to repost my talk show interview with God.

  • Yum . . . peach schnapps! Great answers. I enjoyed reading this.

    • peach schnapps almost got me in major trouble. I had half a bottle in my trunk when I got in a car accident. I rear-ended a sheriff's deputy that was vacationing in my town. They asked if I had been drinking and I said no and was completely sober.

  • I'd love to read your talk show interview with God! :-) Does Jerry Springer interview HIM?!

    Yes, when I saw the preview for the new James G. movie, I got tears in my eyes. :-(

    How you doing today, Matty?!
    HUGS, C. :-)

    • Actually I was the host and God was my guest. He was promoting his new stand up career.
      I have been under the weather the last few days. I think it's because of a combination of personal issues, car troubles, and drastically changing weather.

  • Thank you for reminding me what the difference between the two of them words, really. Just to stop wondering about that everyone in a while.

    I had no idea Starbucks sells those! Though I am sure they are easy to make. Or it would be fun to see if they could be made at home.

    • I couldn't believe the professor was such a dick about it though. Oh well, it's served me well in life I guess because every time I kid calls a photo a picture I clear it up and so I've become the dick.
      Yeah Starbucks was awesome like that. I loved these iced cinnamon breves but I didn't want to have to drive 30 miles to get one at Starbucks so I just bought a bottle to make my own at home. I just realized I probably haven't had coffee in over a year.

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