I got fired from my job as an archeologist assistant.  We were digging in an area trying to determine the natives who lived here and which period of time they dwelt here.  Well I found a used tampon and I ran up to the head archeologist and asked, “Which period did this come from?”

I have a fun prank all of you can play.  Get $100, put it in an envelope, and mail it to me.

I feel so old lately.  I remember renting a VCR from the grocery store.  I used to call my friends on a rotary phone that was red and when we’d play at my house we’d play America versus Russia and the President would use that phone to order bomb strikes against Russia and those who were Russians would act like they were melting from nuclear bombs.

When I was your age they gave us pipe cleaners and glue and told us to make shit and play with it.  And we did.  AND WE LOVED IT!

Oh still feeling old.  I wish I could yell at kids to stay off my lawn but I’m part of a generation that’s too poor to afford a lawn.

I wish there was a Gordon Ramsay but for universities and colleges.  He would come in and say, “Fuck me, administrators, have you ever actually set foot inside a classroom?  Your knowledge of pedagogy is rawer than the chicken I spat out at lunch.”  And before you say anything about accreditation bodies being able to take away accreditation from a school, just know they have nothing on Gordon Ramsay’s magical ability to turn around a restaurant or in this case a university in a matter of 5 days.

I hope I start my “hot person” phase soon.  I’m really getting tired of this “extremely awkward fat guy” phase.

The best lesson we can learn from Breaking Bad is that we need to pay teachers more and give them better health insurance.

The second best lesson we can learn from Breaking Bad is that if a former high school teacher tries to talk to you just walk away and don’t look back.

I hope common sense is the next cool trend that replaces twerking.

I think the real reason why Republicans keep trying to block Obamacare is that they want to get people so poor that they can’t afford to rent a Rug Doctor or VCR from the grocery store.

My bucket list is just a bunch of beers and liquors I haven’t tried yet.

I want to eat you out but only as a friend.

I had a dentist appointment recently and the dental hygienist told me I should floss more when I told her that I floss about 3 times a week.  She then told me I should floss while showering.  Well the joke’s on her because I only shower three times a week.

I hope when I walk down the street people see me and think, “Now there’s a guy who can and will eat a jar of Newman’s Own Black Bean & Corn Salsa in one sitting.”

I’m having flashbacks to college and how many of my tests and quizzes were written with Comic Sans.  My god…it’s awful!

I like to make fun of things.  After all the world is a joke and your face is the punchline.

Recently I was eating at a restaurant and a waiter came to my table and said, “Hello, I’m Life and I’m your server this evening.”  He then handed me some lemons and I never saw him again.  Let’s just say he didn’t get a tip.  Oh and the lemons, well they made an excellent garnish for my cocktails.

I remember going to a Salt-n-Pepa concert years ago and Pep yelled to the audience, “Girls, what’s my weakness?”  I shouted back, “Time and money management.”

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore.  A friend of mine told me he was wearing one while he was having sex with this woman and then her husband busted into the bedroom and stabbed him.

I think the AI in the Madden football video games is smarter than the Cleveland Browns GM.

The closest I’ve ever been to the Mile High Club was eating standing up.

Apparently it’s not cool when a girl says, “Hey, I like your soul patch,” and you reply with “Well I like your mustache.”

Do you think anyone is really 100% straight?  I think there are a lot of liars out there.  I mean Clay Matthews is a handsome man.

In that song “Everlong” by Foo Fighters, Dave Grohl sings “You've got to promise not to stop when I say when.”  Well that’s sort of how I feel when I go to Olive Garden and they put cheese on my food.

I don’t think I have a sense of humor any more.  I just laugh at sentences poorly word that are.

The day Lil Wayne was released from jail I bought a t-shirt that said “Free Weezy”.  The guy who sold it to me asked if I knew that he didn’t need to be freed any more.  I replied, “Yes, I’m a collector.”  I found that hilarious at the time.  Now I wish I had $20.

I want a Sister Wives style reality show where I marry all my female followers on this site.

God doesn’t shut a door and then open a window.  No, God isn’t paying to heat the outdoors.

I’m working on a television show with subpar dialogue, no compelling characters, and mediocre story arcs. If Dexter could do that and be successful, so can I.

I bet whenever Gary Busey can’t attend something he says, “I’m sorry but I can’t because I’m Gary…Busy.”

A dude asked me the other night at the bar what kind of music I was into.  I replied with a generic “a lot of rock, a lot of punk, but I listen to anything,” answer.  He said, “No offense, but you don’t look punk.  You don’t have a leather jacket with spikes or a mohawk.”  I almost kicked him with my steel toed boots.

When I was a kid my parents told me I should never refer to a woman as a “broad”.  I also thought this applied to “broad daylight” so when I was at a friend’s house and heard a news anchor talk about a robbery in broad daylight I gasped and said that the anchor was sexist.

I’ve never seen a dog chase a cat up a tree but there was this one time I saw a rabid squirrel scamper up a tree and eat a bird.

I want to say my vacuum cleaner sucks but it doesn’t and that’s the problem.

This week I’ve learned why you don’t send messages on OKCupid.  It’s because they will come view my page and then email and tell me I’m not good looking enough to date them.

I think one of the most terrifying things that there is at my house are night bees.  These bees are only active at night.  I got stung once.  I need to start wearing armor to bed.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:
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