October 9, 2013

• Motivation

   

  
  If Marco Polo were alive today I’m pretty sure he’d be pissed that Christopher Columbus gets his own special day and all he gets is a shitty pool game.

  I think it's sad that the inventor of masturbation isn't making money hand over fist.

  I went clothes shopping and I’m glad I did because these booty shorts really bring out my personality.

  I think the only thing more traumatizing than finding out your mother isn’t a virgin is finding out she is.

  If I ever have a daughter I thought the only fashion that I’ll introduce to her is the chastity belt.

  When you say, “could things get worse” it’s a surefire way to make things worse.

  All I want for Christmas are model planes. Not because they're a hobby of mine, but because huffing glue is a hobby of mine.

  If you ever feel really stupid, just remember that when Apollo 13 came out, a movie critic called the ending “so Hollywood” and that “in real life the crew would’ve died”.

  I had a pair of sweatpants that said “Planned Parenthood”.  They were my favorites but I spilled red wine all over them.  I still wore them around town but got so many looks.  I figured it was because everyone thought they looked fabulous.

  I think the biggest indicator that I’m ugly is after a blind woman touched my face she puked.  Then the second biggest indicator was when my dog put a paper bag over my leg before humping it.

  When you have a cold and are lonely, you go through a lot of tissues.

  I like my ice cubes like I like my hopes and dreams: crushed

  When I was a kid, my mom took a second job working at a gas station.  I would jokingly say, “Don’t quit your day job.”  However I wasn’t joking because we desperately needed the money.

  Prejudice is so prevalent in our society today.  Did you know that pregnant women are not allowed to ride rollercoasters?  That’s horrible.

  I’m a painter and mainly do nude paintings.  For instance, I painted my garage while I was completely naked.

  I don’t know about you but I think people sound friendlier when they speak with this alleged Wisconsin accent.

  OK I’ll admit it.  I don’t know much about college football and just cheer for the girl on the trombone or playing it.

  I think the reason I don’t get many girls is because to break the ice I slap their asses.

  I got a sub from Subway and it had onions in it, and a button, and some glitter.  I hate it when those sandwich artists take artistic license.

  I’m not above dating tall girls.

  I think for Halloween I’m going to be myself which will be for the first time ever.

  Back in the 90s it took me over a minute to get a bra off but now I can get her off in under a minute.  I guess that’s called progress and that is what Obama has done for me.

  I tend to watch out for women that want to have sex with the lights on.  That sort of confidence scares me.

  I got a GPS and the voice was a female.  I took it back to the store for a cash refund because she kept telling me to pull over and ask for directions.

  The reason you got all those horrible class photos in elementary school was preparation for the horrible driver’s license photos you get as an adult.

  I’ve got huge feet.  You know what that means, ladies?  I look like a fucking clown.

  I have food poisoning and I’m at the stage where I’m bargaining with God saying I’ll never eat again if he keeps me alive.

  It’s cute when your daughter pretends to be a cat at age three and crawls on the floor and meows but it’s not cute when she’s 18 and crawling on a dance floor shoving her ass into strangers’ faces.

  Now that Will Smith has kids does this mean he just doesn’t understand?

  The best part of erectile dysfunction is that you don’t have to wait to urinate in the morning after you wake up.

  You can turn any pair of jeans into skinny jeans by eating regularly at McDonald’s.

  I hate double standards between men and women.  Why is it that when a man has sex with a lot of women he’s considered a player but when a woman does she’s considered a lesbian?

  I’m writing this post and I don’t think you even care so I’m going to type “throbbing meat pole” just to see if you paid attention.

  I was actually worried that the government shutdown would be over so I couldn’t do any more jokes.

  I think we should pay off the national debt and balance the budget by using the proceeds from our nation’s greatest resource: Tyler Perry movies.

  This government shutdown happened after Breaking Bad ended which proves we need more Breaking Bad.

  Nothing makes John Boehner cry more than the moment in "Die Hard" when Alan Rickman's hostage-taking scheme fails.

  Ted Cruz is demanding a shutdown of "Gravity" screenings because it could become popular if people are allowed to see it.

  Republicans call poor people deadbeats as they cash the checks they're still getting after shutting down the government.

  Tomorrow I plan on storming the EPA dressed as Captain Planet to demand more rainbows being included in any bills made by Congress.

  I think this government shutdown is a failure because I haven’t been invited to join a single post-apocalyptic gang.

  Maybe since Barack Obama doesn’t have to run for another term, he can call up Suge Knight to come to D.C. and dangle John Boehner by his ankles over a ledge.  It worked for Vanilla Ice and he’s way more hardcore than Boehner but then Ice isn’t as drunk.

  I’ve had students ask how will America get by without having an effective government.  I always reply, “Same way as before, I guess.”

  I think someone should give the government a Snickers because they tend to shutdown when they’re hungry.

  “If you view this material and are under the age of 18 you are breaking federal laws…”  Hahahahaha…government’s closed so kids can look at anything.

  I do like how everyone is treating the government shutdown as a joke because that’s how much respect we have for our government.

  And now your weekly dose of motivation:
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  I keep trying to listen to Britney Spears’ new song “Work, Bitch” but it doesn’t make sense to my ears.  It’s just choruses throughout.  I keep waiting to hear a verse but NOTHING!  Pop music is dead.

  I’ve been trying to write some TV shows or movies and the hardest part for me has always been names.  Here are some of my names for men: Pog Radisson, Steve Doublesteve, Beauregard V. Asscan, Tex Montreal, Ambassador Nickolai Backflip, and Yolo Pepperoni.  Here are my names for women: Detective Brenda Sacramento, Jacqueline Pumpkin, Kat Skinner, Penelope Remington, Holly Misteltoe, Wendy Socks, Gertrude Von Winnipeg, Jackie Nevada, Rexella Steel, Rhonda Muscles, and Zooey Deschanel.  I don’t think my crime dramas will ever get off the ground.

  Maybe I can get it off the ground because Bryan Cranston once played a character named Colt Arrow.

  If I were to tell a girl that she’s so hot she gives my penis varicose veins is romantic, right?

  What is the opposite of assassin?  Dickdickout.

  I hear a lot of people have this thing called No Shave November.  I propose we do No Wipe October.  I better go stock up on Dollar Tree cologne.

  I hate the stigma that people have to be introverts or extroverts.  Either they are at home reading John Green novels and eating ice cream or doing cocaine at parties and starting fights in the sewers.

  Lots of people are attractive until they speak.

  It’s really scary how many people believe that demonic possession is real yet deny the existence of schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder.

  Do you think they have cable in heaven?  Well I bet they do because in Hell all the pizza has pineapple on it.

  I have this theory that Eddie Murphy and Adam Sandler make all these movies where they play multiple characters because they have alter ego psychosis and are terrified and the movie is a cry for help that falls deaf on millions of ears.

  I like my olive oil like I like my women…extra virgin.

  Do leopards wear human skin when they want to dress tacky?

  There’s a new show on HBO called “Masters of Sex”.  I don’t want to spoil it for anyone but the show is simply me sitting in a large chair, wearing a smoking jacket, puffing on a pipe, slyly nodding, and smiling while saying “Yes, it’s true.”

  I’ve been thinking of getting a second job at McDonald’s and go through all the training just so I can get fired for telling customers to “have a McFuckin’ fantastic day.”

  Have you noticed all these ghost hunting shows on TV?  I think Scooby Doo and the gang were ahead of their time.

  I think I need to get checked out because I just dropped a fart that sounded like a 16 year old girl trying to put a semi into gear.

  I really need to get checked out because now my fart sounded like Maya Angelou trying to say “malarkey sandwich” with a mouth stuffed with marshmallows.

  Have you ever been to a website that asks, “Are you sure you want to leave this site?”  I always wish that there was someone suggestively rubbing their hands up and down their body when that question is asked.

  Josh Freeman was signed by the Minnesota Vikings.  Frankly I’m shocked they didn’t try to sign someone who used to play for the Green Bay Packers.  Someone really needs to tell the Vikings that 3 bad quarterbacks don’t equal 1 good quarterback.  Wait…nevermind.  I want Green Bay to dominate them forever.

  I’m thinking of starting this strip club, but instead of naked women gyrating, it will be filled with dogs and you can’t pet them until you give them a treat and then for extra treats they’ll do tricks for you.  But absolutely no peanut butter will be allowed on premises.

  Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you appear in?  I think I only appear in murder fantasies.

  I hate when people think the banana I keep in my pants pocket is my penis.

  I always thought Golden Corral was when you crawled through a tunnel of legs while people were peeing on you.  The restaurant is much worse.

  BuzzFeed is the Walmart of culture.

  When I get a laptop I’m pretty sure Xanga will the longest time I’ve spent with strangers in a bathroom.

  Xanga is the place where pretty girls come to complain about not getting laid or having boyfriends and creepy guys like me try to seduce them.

  Have you ever read a post on Xanga and thought that the Xanga team should be paid to be that person’s therapist?

  Xanga is the best way to prove you’ve lost your mind.

  • 12:26 AM
  • 10 Comments