October 23, 2013

• Motivation

  Have you ever wanted to eat pizza and have sex at the same time?  Glad I’m not alone.

  
  My semen is pumpkin spice flavored for the fall.

  Wait…THAT’S what you meant when talking about eating ass?  I thought you’d bought some mule meat for us to eat together.

  I’m fairly certain that the reason Chuck Norris jokes went out of vogue was because people found out he’s a hardcore Republican.

  I once dated a girl who owned a parrot.  That thing would never shut up.  The parrot was pretty cool though even though I have a fear of birds.

  My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.  Now I have two.

  People dressed in camouflage make me nervous.  I’m always afraid they’re a Bigfoot hunter and if they see me in the back of a grocery store I’ll get stabbed.

  It shouldn't be "under god?" or "no under god?".  It should be "Why are we pledging allegiance to a fucking flag?"  What good is a flag going to do me when I’m desperately poor or the King of England comes waltzing into my town uninvited?

  This Halloween I'm going as an older, atrophied Paul Bunyan who needs testosterone replacement therapy. In other words, I'm not dressing up.

  "Hi Congressman, what can I get for you?" "I'll have a Coke" "Is Pepsi okay?" *shuts down entire restaurant until he gets a damn Coke*

  I think the real reason the government shutdown ended was because Banksy spraypainted a giant break-dancing bunny on the Capitol building.  “If a bunny can dance at a time like this it really put things in perspective and that perspective is that Obamacare is the worst thing to happen to this country,” said Sen. Ted Cruz who conveniently forgot 9/11, Jim Crow, slavery, the Civil War, and the War of 1812.  Vice President Biden was also really impressed and said, “Hoo boy, lookit that fucking bunny go!”

  I think we should start saying GOP like “gop” instead of pronouncing all the letters.

  I find it funny that when the government first shut down America just let out a collective yawn but once we found out that microbreweries couldn’t produce new flavors and varieties of beers because the FDA was closed then we got the pitchforks and torches.

  It’s funny how both sides of the aisle didn’t understand why the shutdown wasn’t working.  They should know the U.S. government doesn’t negotiate with terrorists.

  During the shutdown they put up fences around the World War II memorial.  Veterans knocked down these fences.  Did they really think they could keep out the men who stormed the beaches at Normandy?  Hitler couldn’t even do that.

  The hardest part of being a congressman must be pretending to actually like the people where you're from.

  The only way to get the Obamacare website to work is you have to disable cookies because they want us to eat properly.

  I think the only thing the shutdown accomplished was that Joe Biden watched The Little Mermaid 54 times.

  While watching the baseball playoffs I’ve decided that I want to learn how to properly chew sunflower seeds.  I’m a colossal failure.  Either I spit everything out or I just end up chewing everything and then spitting out this huge gob of sunflower seed and shell mash.

  I’m five episodes into Agents of SHIELD and I still don’t know any of the characters’ names.  I’ve just been calling them Boss Guy from Old Christine, Hacker Girl, Handsome Guy, Boy Nerd, Girl Nerd, and Tough Lady who was on ER.

  I think it’s strange that there are two famous Brian Wilsons.  One is a reclusive musical genius and the other is a bearded weirdo who can throw a baseball really hard.  It’s also strange that both play baseball for the Los Angeles Dodgers.  It’s sort of like if there was another guy named Nikki Sixx but he was a shy, Nobel Prize winning physicist.  Or if there was another Miley Cyrus who was a quiet botanist.

  I’m still having troubles with naming people in my writings.  Here are more potential men’s names: Gil Parquet, Stegosaurus Jones, Rodney Hacksaw, Sir Alistair Spork, Jack Corduroy, Giuseppe Everglades.  Women’s names: Alicia Purple, Daisy Switchblade, Tatiana Salkow, Heather Labrador, Rose Mocha, Mocha Rose, Opal Satellite, Alexandra Fuckhammer.

  How are we not using lasers or some shit like that to measure first downs in the NFL or college football? It's 2013.

  Just once would I like to see ESPN cut away from a football game to the studio where it’s just Lou Holtz sitting on an Igloo cooler holding a skull screaming about how chaos is the new law if there are multiple upsets in college football that day.

  I really don’t care for neighbors.  Maybe I’ll change my name to “The Sword” so no one will want to live by me.

  When are they going to introduce zombies with jetpacks on The Walking Dead?  I mean it would make the zombie attacks more unexpected.

  I went to the doctor to see if I needed to get new ADD/HD medicine.  It was sort of embarrassing sitting in the waiting room because my mom kept me in the torso leash.

  If you are trying to be careful around a grieving chicken then walking on eggshells may make the situation worse.

  I live across the street from a library.  I see some weird stuff.  The other day I saw a woman who was reading a book as she walked out of the library.  She kept right on reading as she crossed the street and as she got into her car.  To my surprise she kept on reading as she drove away.  I thought of getting in my car and introducing her to a major plot twist.

  When I was in high school I accidentally spilled my No More Tears shampoo on my CD collection and all my Tears for Fears albums disappeared.

  Here’s a little known Halloween fact…everyone you see on Halloween is actually Daniel Day Lewis in a different costume.

  A student recently asked me where do babies come from and I replied, “NFL players, mostly.”

  I’m pretty sure if there was a talking horse like Mr. Ed all he’d talk about is how his dick is so much bigger than human dicks.  But then that is all horses talk about in their horse talk.

  My friend calls me “Hustler” because I have a lot of issues.  Too bad most of the pages are stuck together.

  There are over 7 billion people on this planet and I can only find about 10 I can tolerate being around for more than ten minutes at a time.

  If there’s ever a flooding epidemic in the Middle East and they need to raise money for relief, I’m going to release a charity song entitled “Raindrops Keep Falling on Ahmed”.

  My winter wardrobe is basically one layer of my summer wardrobe on top of another layer of my summer wardrobe.

  I was at Whole Foods recently and I knocked over a display of onions.  Long story short, I now owe them $356,500,000.

  And now for your weekly dose of motivation:
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  The cost of oil wouldn’t be so high right now if someone had stopped Donkey Kong from throwing all those barrels of oil at Mario in the 80s.

  You know we have it pretty good when our garbage disposals eat better than some people in this world.

  If you put a baseball card between the spokes on a tire of a Prius you’ll make it sound like a real car.

  My family is known for having diarrhea.  I guess it runs in our jeans.

  Whenever someone asks me if I am ticklish I say, “I have explosive diarrhea.”  I know it’s wrong to lie but at least I don’t squeal like a girl when I get tickled.

  I recently watched Andrew Dice Clay perform on the Arsenio Hall show.  I feel like I’m a time traveler.  I’m half-expecting a Milli Vanilli reunion.

  More retailers are going to be open on Thanksgiving Day to overshadow the holiday and make Black Friday that much more of a national nightmare pointing the way to the day us Christians in this Christian nation celebrate the birth of their savior.  I think I’m going to move to North Korea because Christmas is more heartfelt there.

  Money doesn't grow on trees, but if it did, there would be thousands and thousands of murders in every forest come spring.

  This World Series is going to be awful because the announcers are going to constantly harp on the way the Cardinals “play baseball the right way”.  When they do this I think I’ll just mute my TV and blast Pantera.  That’s pretty much my solution for everything.

  A teacher recently had students do an assignment where they had to bring in a photo that summed up America.  One student brought in a photo of a guy eating a Whopper while sitting in the drivethru of a McDonald’s.

  American Horror Story: Republican President and Republican controlled Congress after the 2016 elections.

  American Horror Story: Ibrahim al-Sadiq, 45^th President of the United States (for the Tea Party and other racists).

  American Horror Story: Florida…just everything about that state can be creepy or fucked up like the show.

  All these years of practicing my autograph and now no one wants it.

  Opinions are like assholes.  I’m OK with hearing yours as long as it’s during sex.

  Only in America do we complain about childhood obesity and give children who knock on our doors free candy.

  If you ever see me smiling at work you can assume I’m making animal shapes with my genitals under my desk.

  Ladies, here’s the best pick-up line to use on fat guys if you like fat guys: “Hey, want to go to a buffet?”  That would so work on me…just dropping that out there for the dozens of you who have crushes on me.

  I’ve come to the conclusion that bras must be uncomfortable so you should probably ditch it about right now.

  I don’t know why people cry on another person’s shoulders.  Boobs are so much softer.

  They say a woman’s work is never done and that’s because a man will always be either horny or hungry.

  My girlfriend hasn’t spoken to me in a month.  I debated breaking up with her because she doesn’t talk to me but thought against it because girls like that are hard to find.  She told me her favorite sex position was called The Zombie.  She just lies back and lets me eat her.

  Want proof that women have worse taste in picking a partner than men?  Women have dated me and men haven’t.

  I’m making a Halloween costume out of Subway wrappers.  I’m just making a pair of shorts so I can go as a $5 footlong.

  All these years of practicing my autograph and now no one wants it.

  Do you ever have that feeling that you have a lot of work to do but you don’t know where to start?  That’s why I’m on Xanga.

  There’s always that one person on Xanga whose friend request you regret accepting but you just can’t delete them from your friends list.  That person is most likely me.

  I can’t believe some of you think I have a girlfriend or wife.  If I did I wouldn’t be on Xanga this much.  I’d be out having threesomes and going to wine tastings.

  How many followers on Xanga do I need before I can classify myself as a cult?  In any case, you better stab yourselves or I’ll look like a bad cult leader.

  When one of my posts doesn’t get a lot of attention I remind myself that most of Kafka’s works didn’t receive attention until after he died.

  I’ve been debating whether or not to go to a Xanga meet-up.  I want to go because I’d like to meet people but then it might ruin the illusion that I have that a lot of these sites are run by two overweight 13 year old boys wearing Insane Clown Posse shirts.

  Xanga needs a Hall of Fame.  We could honor all of those bloggers who used to be here and contribute and then once they are enshrined they can never come back.

  I was blissfully unaware of how many stupid things I said before I signed up for Xanga.

  • 11:58 PM
  • 20 Comments