August 21, 2014

• Another Motivation

  The theme song for Xanga Team is “Take the Money and Run” by the Steve Miller Band.

  Today is also the birthday of one of my favorite Xangans.  Hope you’re having a good one, wizard.
  

  My emergency contact list is sad.  It’s my local bar and a clerk at a liquor store.

  Falling in love is the most extreme of the extreme sports.

  Whenever you hear a woman say, “I’m not going to go there,” just wait two minutes because they’ll go there.

  Do you think homeless people are happy campers?

  Time flies when you’ve lost all sense of time and reality.

  I’m a very nice guy once you get away from me.

  Last night I dreamt about you and I filled you up with candy and then beat you with a baseball bat.  It’s not that I don’t like you but I just really REALLY love piñatas.

  A big fuck you to my 3rd grade teacher that said I “lacked vision.” I just found all 13 hidden items in this “Can you see it?” puzzle

  100% of all hand towels at motels have been used to wipe up semen.  Remember that the next time you stay in Wisconsin Dells otherwise you may have a little bit of the godfather go home with you.  For those not familiar with Wisconsin Dells, it’s a giant water park and mini golf course and go kart track located in American’s dairyland rumored to be the birthplace of gangrene.  It’s also a place where people pay money to bathe in piss and watch fat children drown themselves outside the realm of the Craigslist adult section.

  If movies have taught me anything, it’s that when people get kidnapped at pay phones, the kidnapper will always leave the phone dangling.

  Didn’t believe the hype about genetically modified food until a tomato jumped out of my salad and changed the TV channel when GLEE came on.

  I showed my friend’s teenager my old flip phone and she asked why I was carrying around my tv remote.

  When life gives you lemons, shame on you. Fool me twice, eat fish for a lifetime.  Save a cow, eat a vegetarian.  That lemonade fooled me into teaching you fishing. If it ain’t broke count the chickens on the mole hill.

  I’m really excited because I have almost reached my target weight, which is great because I started at a Walmart weight.

  Why was Super Mario a plumber if where he lived there was obviously so many Brick Laying contracts available?

  I can never beat my Mexican friends at Uno.  I never took a Spanish class and have a difficult time remembering Spanish words.

  The best way to get people to notice my new cowboy boots is to tuck the bottoms of my pants into the tops of my boots.

  I feel like the salad on the McDonald’s menu; I exist but I’m always ignored.

  Spin Doctors is both my favorite band and command to give at hospitals.

  True love is when your girlfriend says it’s cool for you to do your colonoscopy prep at her house.

  My favorite thing about Far Side is that almost every human has glasses because Gary Larsen never learned to draw eyes.

  New ideas to spice up foot ball: the ball is poisoned, fog machines to reduce visibility, drone helicopters to shoot players, house music, trap doors on the field, if you lose the ball you have to pay for a new one

  I got a new job.  I’m the guy who shoots bullets through the center of CDs to make the hole.

  I feel bad for Japanese girls because us white guys want to basically screw every woman in that country because we fetishize them.

  I think my ideal porn would be two busty ladies informing me that I’d never have to work another day in my life and I’d keep getting free money.

  I can’t believe I’ve had the same hands my entire life given all the things that have happened to me.

  I imagine the inside of every Hummer-Limo smells just like Axe Body Spray, vomit, and lost dreams.

  The square root of awesome is Michael Bolton.  Cubed is Kenny G.

  When I go to the gym, I’m pretty sure all the other fat people look at me and think, “Wow, he’s really in shape for a fat guy.”

  Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

  I’d rather drink a cup of water from The Bachelor hot tub than watch an entire episode of The Bachelor.

  I went to a T.G.I. Fridays on a Monday afternoon and I think I opened a black hole in the space time continuum.  Shut up, I ain’t a science nerd.

  My dad was out with me the other day and he was amazed at how many strangers I talked with.  He asked how I could talk to people I don’t know.  I said it was simple, I have a water cooler with me at all times so I can always make small talk.

  Now that the Olympics are over I can go back to following curling on the professional level.

  I’m an ugly crier but I’m also an ugly grocery shopper and an ugly lawn mower.

  Sometimes, I’ll see one of those “Starving African kids” commercials and I’ll feel sad… and a bit hungry and then sometimes I’ll go to Taco Bell.

  I had to go to the emergency room this weekend because I couldn’t stop making jazz hands.

  I get so sad when I finish my grilled cheese.  I’ve started playing “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion every time I eat one.

  Guys, Dollar Tree is having a sale on oven mitts. $1 each or 4 for $4! You just don’t see savings like that every day.  THESE SAVINGS ARE TOO HOT TO HANDLE!

  Dollar Tree pregnancy tests: when you only want to be 35% sure

  Just started training for my first marathon by getting off the couch and walking a little faster than normal to the bathroom.

  I was voted most likely to travel and I’m on my third trip to Target and may hit Dollar Tree later.  Your move Homecoming King Football hero.

  One way I preserve water is I lick my plate clean and put it back in the stack at the buffet line at the Golden Corral.  I could just use the same plate but that’s pretty disgusting.

  I hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof.  He was a disgrace to the profession.

  Hot Pockets recalled? Days before my big dinner party? Great.

  My girlfriend once called me Elvis not because of my awesome sideburns or the way I move my hips but because I died while taking a shit.

  I think the most exciting part of the entire OKCupid experience is making a profile for the first time. It’s like you’re putting together a story of yourself, how you see yourself in your lofty eyes, and trying to piece together enough lies to stitch the puzzle into a coherent, datable whole.

  Sometimes when I watch superhero movies or action movies, I count the number of people who die to put in perspective how great the good guy’s goal was and if it was worth it.  It never is.

  I’m not saying I’ve had a lot of concussions in my life and may have damage but I taste purple.

  I can carry half a pound of raw hamburger in a sock in the crotch of my pants for a day and it will be ready to eat by dinner.  This means that if you see me on the street you can compliment the hot meat inside my pants.

  I would only wear a sun visor if I was wearing a really big yarmulke at the same time.  Then I’d probably stitch them together.

  I often wonder if the first guy who created a sword looked at his penis and said, “Whoa, I wish this was longer and could kill people.”

  Olive Garden really does make you feel like family. Last time I went there my server told me a racist joke and asked why I wasn’t married yet.

  Thank you to the person in charge who stopped playing that fucking Gotye song.  I can’t remember the name of the guy in charge but I’m sure he was somebody that I used to know.

  I’m lonelier than a girl taking a selfie in her shower with her favorite stuffed animals.

  The announcers of soccer games shouldn’t yell “GOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLL” after someone scores; they should yell “FINALLY!”

  Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 735 times and we’re probably married.

  Isn’t it weird that dogs can’t sit down until humans teach them how?  Isn’t it weird that humans can’t understand any of their barks but they can understand our commands?  Who is smarter now?

  If I wave at someone and they don’t wave back, I start power-walking at them, waving furiously until they wave back.

  Lactose intolerance forced me to celebrate Cinco de Miracle Whip on May 5^th.

  Kids are like cats. You want a girl one so they don’t pee on everything.

  Good Fake Names For Women: Sasha Waves, Gwendolyn Norway, Tina Merciless, Special Agent Lizzy Tomahawk, Gloria Peoria, Fancy Debra.

  Good Fake Names For Men: Felix Tornado, Callaway Bentley, Doc Liberty, Larry Spiders, Professor Randy Pulverize, Jaxx Barcelona, Joey Zebra.

  Too bad I can’t use those for my new job as writer of convincing presidential names.  I want to have that job but have it in the 1950s and say, “Guys, for this next movie set in the future we should have the president be named Barack Obama.”  I’m sure my co-writer Mickey O’Sullivan will half appreciate that name.

  People from Australia are called “Ausies” and people from New Zealand are called “Newsies” because they sing and do the splits in midair.

  Don’t you just hate when you sneak popcorn into the theater but they won’t let you use their microwave?

  This Mothers’ Day, I’m going to let LL Cool J knock me out.

  When someone tells me, “I can never tell when your being sarcastic”, I say, “Wow, you ARE such a SMART person!”

  My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

  I will not go to a doctor unless the post every diploma they’ve ever earned on the wall.  Did they graduate elementary school?  How should I know?

  I just saw some idiot misusing he possessive forms of reciprocal pronouns. Geez, first the whole their/there/they’re thing and now this.  What are they teaching kids in kindergarten these days?

  Do you think that in the future all the kids doing this ice bucket challenge will have weird ice bucket fetishes?

  I went outside today and saw a dried earthworm on the sidewalk in the shape of a question mark.  Looks like Banksy is at it again.

  I think if a genie were to grant me three wishes I’m pretty sure one of those wishes would be for all new episodes of Seinfeld.

  You know you’re in the wrong part of town when you start seeing payphones.  Either that or you’re in Amish country.

  I’m writing an action movie that takes place on the eve of daylight savings time just so my lead villain can say, “You have 23 hours to save the world.”
  

  • 3:41 PM
  • 8 Comments