August 19, 2014

• Shasta Motivation

  Wow, Xanga Team sure has done a lot with this site.
  

  If someone messes with you, call them a grand-motherfucker to let them know you’re really into swearing.  But, I warn you, be careful you don’t forget the hyphen otherwise people will perceive you as a degenerate.

  Sometimes I think Sir Edmund Hillary left pornographic magazines on top of Mt. Everest.  I wish it was so and if it was then the climbing community would speculate what genre the magazine belongs to and the word “crampon” would be used obscenely.

  I have four candles burning in my room and I can honestly say I’m ok with myself.

  I was recently in Walgreens and the cashier asked how I was doing.  I said, “Not that great,” as I placed my diarrhea medicine on the counter.

  If I were president, I’d have all the interns line up to service me orally while I sat on Lincoln’s lap at the Lincoln memorial.  That’d just be my way of celebrating President’s Day.

  My favorite president is George Washington. He doesn’t get near enough credit for being the first white, male president. Breaking boundaries!

  I have a weakness for French fries.  Also calculus.  Also conversations.  I’m afraid of birds.  OK, listen; I have a lot of weaknesses.

  Whenever I stay in a fancy motel that has a gym, I take the stair climber machine and put it in the elevator.  I include a sign that reads: “Fuck technology”.

  I googled “Valentine’s Day cards for cousins” and there were a lot of overly romantic cards out there for cousins.  They must be appealing to the trailer trash community.

  I once put a shark tooth under my pillow.  I woke up the next morning to find that the Tooth Fairy gave me a surfer’s severed arm.

  Someone once asked me if I was a Democrat or Republican.  This was my answer: liberally conservative republican who believes in democratic idealism but with strong libertarian roots.  On the major issues: yes, yes, no, yes, no

  I just wish the Democrats and Republicans would go out together and play some golf, have drinks, eat a nice meal, violently screw each other, and then come back to Washington D.C. all refreshed so they can do work instead of trying to kill all of us.

  Some lettuce is better than others. It shall romaine nameless.

  FACT OF THE DAY: Volcanoes erupt because of a process called transportation: the moving of a vehicle.  Volcanoes are essentially hubs of the lava realm, equipped with several combat vehicles.  When the realm is under attack, the volcano erupts to ward off predators.

  Pairs figure skating feels like a sport where you try to find the most creative ways to make people look between a woman’s legs and I’m pervertedly ok with that.

  You might be better at hockey, Canada, but let us know when you’ve mastered buffets with both pizza AND fried chicken.

  I was recently working on a theory that if a person were to sleep more than they will lose weight.  I thought that if I slept for 12 hours a day that there won’t be any time to eat.  Well my theory was wrong because food always finds a way.

  If you can’t laugh at yourself, maybe you aren’t funny.

  I wonder if Robin Thicke has figured out what rhymes with “hug me” yet.

  Rolling Stone puts Justin Bieber shirtless on their magazine cover calling him a bad boy, combined with an article on why he won’t behave.  Satire just writes itself these days

  It should come as no surprise to Michael J. Fox that his sitcom would suck. I mean, he’d been to the future.

  I really want Vanna White’s job. I was expecting her to age out eventually but I think she sold her soul to the devil and will be hot forever.  There was even a movie released about her.  She turns letters on a board for a living and now all she does is touch them.  She has a hell of a gig.

  I’m white, but not “care about ice dancing” white.

  Look, I’m too dumb to really understand house of cards, but I’ve watched enough TV to know what I’m supposed to feel through context clues like music, camera angles, and montages.  And from what I gather, House of Cards is excellent but it’s no Mr. Belvedere.

  Watching women’s Olympic hockey and there’s a fight on the ice (two players are saying vaguely passive-aggressive things to one another)!  The fight ended with both players yelling “Fine!  Whatever!”

  Just ate an old Frito I found in my sweatshirt pocket. So this is what I’ve come to.

  I was recently at a restaurant and looked over at a table next to mine and saw everyone bowing their heads.  I thought they were all praying but then I looked closer and noticed they were all playing with cellphones.

  I’m always disappointed that gummi worms are actual size but gummi bears aren’t.

  My favorite song of the 90′s was the one that went “mmm mmm mmm”, followed by the one that went “Hey, hey, hey, heyyyy, hey, hey hey.”  And I can’t forget the one that went “da da da”

  I left my computer running last night and apparently I forgot to close my browser and when I woke up this morning I had a degree from the University of Phoenix.

  When I die, I want my ashes scattered on the internet.  I’ve also been saving feces so that for my funeral people can hurl them at Xanga Team.

  Let’s be honest. All you need is a Swiffer and a frisbee to train for Olympic curling.

  If I’ve learned anything from the movies, it’s that you must try to kill a bad guy until he’s about to die and then you must try to save him.  You also have to stand there with a gun pointed at them and explain all your reasoning instead of just shooting them.

  Build-A-Bear Workshop should actually be called, “Early Childhood Taxidermy Training”.

  A girl recently said to me, “You seem like the kind of guy who combs through episodes of SpongeBob SquarePants looking for hidden messages about the Illuminati.”  For what it’s worth, I do that with episodes of American Pickers, thank you very much.

  I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

  Eating the entire bag of 32 cough drops in one sitting is the exact reason I never tried meth

  I’m looking forward to ABC’s new dating competition show, “Girls Who Fan Their Faces In Order To Stop Crying.”

  I’m happy for all those people who are getting “excepted” for college next year.

  So a probiotic is a good thing and so is an antibiotic.  I’m so confused.  3^rd grade English class has failed me for the last time.

  I want my tombstone to say “Time’s Up, Pencils Down”.

  I had amnesia once.  I think I may have had it twice but I can’t remember for certain.

  Dildos are like Taco Bell.  You know you’re not getting real meat but it’ll do.

  My girlfriend and I just pay people with weed.  It’s our joint banking account.

  An eye exam at the Wal-Mart basically is a police lineup asking you to identify the vagrant that tried to fondle you in the parking lot.

  Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

  Why does Arizona have to pass a bill? Can’t a business owner refuse the right to serve anyone anyways?

  I think after I have some my creativity tobacco that I’m higher than some people’s morals.

  I really hate when I go to a store and someone asks me “What are you doing here?”  “Oh just hunting wolves.”

  I think I may be emotionally constipated…I haven’t given a crap in days.

  If robbers ever broke into my place and searched for money, I’d just laugh and search with them.

  I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.

  People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.

  Some people are about as useful as the first ‘r’ in February.

  They should make a matchmaking site for single socks.

  Have you ever looked at someone and thought ‘Yep, you have a person locked in your basement.’

  So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?

  Be nice to your neighbors. They’re the only ones who’ll know the difference between your good scream and your bad scream.

  At this point in my life I have a better chance of finding Waldo than a girlfriend.

  I took a “Which Downton Abbey character are you” quiz and I got Paul Giamatti.

  Will Chaim finally marry Sheila? What dark secret is Moishe hiding? Who was that mysterious shiksa with Abe? Next week on: “Downton Rabbi”

  My dad genuinely laughed at a Geico commercial.  I think he deserves a Nobel Prize.

  I bet there is a serial killer out there who targets people that still say “I like” or “Winning!”

  My favorite drinking game is the one where I drink every time it’s cold and dark.

  Dear Penis, thank you for bleeding once a month.  Love, godfather

  Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Sell a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day and you’ll make some money.

  FYI everybody: They will not allow you to stuff your dead pets at Build-A-Bear.

  If, when making a “to-do” list, you don’t write down something you’ve already done just so you can cross it off, well then you’re not me.

  What would the world be like without rhetorical questions?

  Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion; it totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

  When the space shuttle gets back from its latest mission, wouldn’t it be hilarious if we were all dressed as apes?

  Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

  How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?  I don’t know, ask Hugh Hefner.

  I abuse drugs because they fucking deserve it

  Be grateful, your life could be worse. You could be married to me.

  If I had sex as often as I got screwed, these posts would be a lot different.

  Somewhere right now Lou Bega is composing Mambo Number 2,948 by carving women’s names into the wall of an insane asylum.

  If you come to a fork in the road, look for a knife and roadkill and you have dinner!

  ChapSticks are just like regular sticks only a bit more British

  My blue tongue was apparently too distracting during my presentation so now Fun Dip’s been banned from all future teacher meetings.

  I’ve been sole-searching for comfortable shoes.

  Of course I love being delusional because all these unicorns tell me that people love me.

  I put a lot if thought and effort into disappointing you with my posts.
  

  • 11:20 PM
  • 4 Comments