So I'm finally getting around to taking down Christmas decorations.  I am so lazy or more like exhausted as of late.  I think it's S.A.D. but it's been unseasonably warm.  Sigh...it's something alright.  Time for links.

1.  It's getting to be Valentine's season.  I can't go to any store without seeing those cutesy heart things.  Well I always had heard that the Valentine's heart represented the buttocks of a woman.  Well according this it may mean more.  It's a list of 6 famous symbols that don't mean what we think they mean.

2.  I have to admit, I enjoy bad movies.  I get sick enjoyment in mocking these movies.  Well here is a list of 10 bad movies that define "bad movies".  I've only seen two of those and I own one.

3.  Wikipedia has a lot of great lists.  Here's a list of lists of tv shows set in certain cities.  Even though it isn't listed I'm always surprised how many TV shows have been set in Wisconsin.

4.  Usually when you watch Saturday Night Live the worst part of the show is the final ten minutes.  This is when they do the bizarre sketches that are just used for time killers.  Well some of them have been incredibly funny yet bizarre.  Here are 19 of the best.

5.  Here is a list of 2012's biggest box office flops.  It's interesting that #1 from this list also appears in the #2 entry of this post.

6.  I have five pieces of taxidermy in my house and currently I am in the same room with all five pieces.  I think my taxidermy pieces are quite nice but here is a list of 20 of the worst pieces of taxidermy.

7.  I think I shared this before but it's worth another share.  It's called Mean Girls of Capitol Hill.

8.  The Sundance Film Festival began yesterday.  Here are 15 anticipated films from this year's festival.

9.  Normally I mock The New Yorker and its illustrated laughing squares but then I found this article about the history of the United States according to conservatives.  I get sort of upset when people say that they'd like to go back to a different period in America because it was so much better.  Shit sucked back then too so just nut up and go about living.

10.  Here's a fun guessing game...Kim Kardashian or Octomom.

11.  I found a support forum for men who have suffered from wedgies.

12.  Here's another fun game.  It's called PongScroll.  You use the scroll bar on the side of the screen to play Pong.

And now it's tattoo time:

1 ha ha ha 2 ha ha ha 3 ha ha ha 4 ha ha ha  I see 4 questionable tattoos.

It's been a while since I let someone into my heart but I imagine if I did some dude would also enter it bone my girlfriend.

Chief Whiskers is not pleased with the treaty.  He wants more dangly things and scratching posts.

I think this chief is looking sad because he's going to be a tattoo forever on this guy.

Is she running with a cookie sheet or a frying pan?

How much you want a bet that when Kanye and Kim Kardashian have their baby it will look like this in the first photo?

I bet that tattoo gets all the ladies.

I can't remember why I posted this one other than the tiger looks like he's taking too much enjoyment from the girl sleeping on him.

Why so serious?

Oh yeah that is a perfect match

Human Centipede with bunnies is so adorable and makes a lot of sense.

My brain can't math.  I bet that is hilarious once it's solved.  I bet the answer is 69.

Skol Vikings...I think we found @kachino 's tattoo.

Good thing the NHL came back otherwise this guy would be a fool.

I pretty much have always speculated about their relationship but I think this tattoo confirms it.

Have a great night.

I think I'm back for another week.

25.  Death  23pts
It gets us all in the end.

24.  Records 34pts
Kids will never understand or appreciate how awesome vinyl is.

23.  Friday Night Lights 42pts
Can anyone find a TV show that is more complete than Friday Night Lights?

22.  Dubstep/Wheel of Fortune 102pts
Cockbag while listening to Dubstep?  I have no clue what that puzzle could be.  Seriously though dubstep sort of gets to me.  I like it in doses but a lot of time I think it's only good for sex...EUREKA!  Now I got the puzzle.  Not clever at all.  But I think most of the time the creation of dubstep went like "Hey you got razorblades on my chalkboard" "No, you got your chalkboard on my razorblades"  And Wheel of Fortune...did anyone catch the Johnny Cash puzzle recently?

21.  The X-Games 143pts
I am so stoked for this year's X-Games.  I'm particularly excited for the new event: Outrun the Axe.

20.  Crazy Uncle Joe Biden 200pts
He is truly a wet dream for The Onion and I hope I'm the wind beneath his crazy wings.

19.  Culver's  235pts
Can you find me a better fast food restaurant?  I don't think so.  Have a Butter Burger and some frozen custard and you will agree with me.

18.  Punk rock 269pts
When I was in college I really got into punk.  There's just something so energetic about the music.  I also love a lot of the bands that have political messages behind their songs.  This does not mean I enjoy the regurgitated crap they play on MTV.  I don't consider that punk.  It's something like Pop Rocks Rock.  It's a little gritty with a little more energy than the normal MTV fare.

17. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 300pts
I really love that show and it should be obvious by now.  I think my humor is starting to shift because of that show.  So often I find myself being just like Frank.  Yes, I love drinking in my backyard in the afternoon with my shirt hanging open.

16.  Quarters Infomercial 350pts
This guy is screaming at me to buy state quarters because now they are offering the America the Beautiful series.  And they were only made for 10 weeks.  Holy shit!  I better buy them now!

15.  Pos-T-Vac 353pts
I changed the channel because I was getting tired of the guy screaming at me to buy quarters.  Now I'm listening to men talk about erectile dysfunction and how getting a vacuum pump for their dude pistons saved their sex life. 

14.  Masturbation 369pts
Do I need a Pos-T-Vac for that?  It really is the tops.

13.  Shadows 400pts
Keeping men honest since forever.

12.  Marijuana 420pts
If it wasn't for weed this world would be such a dark place.  And by dark place I mean I probably would be able to see since I totally would only use marijuana for medical purposes.

11.  President Obama 421pts
Change ain't looking for friends.  Change calls the tune we dance to.  (guess the reference)

10.  Clay Matthews 520pts
Sundays without the Green Bay Packers really are like macaroni without cheese.

9.  Rotary Phones 635pts
I saw a post on Tumblr where a person said there was nothing greater in life than flipping shut a flip phone dramatically after having an argument with someone on the other end.  They obviously don't know the power of rotary phones.

8.  Digital Cable  680pts
Screw you analog tv!

7.  Charles Bukowski 7000pts
Yeah, pretty much the best.

6.  Maury Povich 8567pts
He continues to give us great television in this time of crisis.

5.  Memories  99,999pts
I have a lot of them, just ask me.  I could tell you about the time my first high school closed and was bought by the state of Wisconsin and converted into a prison.  The second high school I attended didn’t have their first dance until my first year there.  They had more chaperones than students.  One of the main opponents of the dance was a pastor who said that dancing would lead to fornication and this lead to the joke “Why don’t Lutherans have sex standing up?  It may lead to dancing.”  Anyway the campus pastor was going around the dance floor saying “leave room for the Holy Spirit.”  Oh and just for more backwardness, they didn’t allow students to wear blue jeans until the year before I got there.  Blue jeans too could have lead students to fornication.

4.  Dignity 287,345pts
Do you even know what it looks like?  Another chance to guess a reference.

3.  Weather 397,652pts
If it wasn't for weather, what would we complain about?

2.  American Horror Story: Asylum 432,100pts
There's one episode left and I'm hoping this year they tie up all the stories and tonight I think they did a good job setting it all up.  This season is so much better than last season.  Everyone is talking about clues set in last night's episode about the location and theme of next season.  I had some thoughts but I think they are far out but not as far out as some I've heard.  I saw one that equated the inmates playing Candy Land to witches therefore the next season would be about the Salem with trials.  I also heard one that the next season would be the last season of Dexter.  Don't ask what that's supposed to mean.  I had three thoughts from a previous episode but could only remember one now.  Pepper talking about freak shows and that got me thinking of the movie "Freaks" by Tod Browning so I was hoping the next season would be set in a circus because those things are scary.  Oh and I just remembered another.  I figured since there was a song and dance number that maybe it would set in a Vegas nightclub or maybe since Ryan Murphy also gave us Glee that the next season would be a more adult version of Glee.  Then last night another thing I noticed was that one of the characters surnames was "Crump".  I was trying to remember where I had heard that name before and then it hit me.  The Andy Griffith Show!  Andy's girlfriend on that show for the majority of the show was named Helen Crump.  So I think this must mean that the third season of American Horror Story will take place in Mayberry and we'll learn the reason why Andy never carried a gun and why crime was virtually non-existent...spoiler alert...it may have something to do with all the stuff that Otis was drinking.

1.  @aloysius_son @spinner_mom  500,000pts
They got last week's trivia reference correct and therefore got the number one spot.  Mr. Son gave me the name of the movie which was Idiocracy and Ms. Mom gave the character's name which is Frito Pendejo.  And that's how it's done.

Have a great night.

I plan on leaving up my Christmas tree until after Valentine’s Day as a way to symbolize my love life being dead and withered.

The only applaud I get is when I wake up.  My penis usually gives me a standing ovation.

I think they coined the phrase “No shit Sherlock” because he suffered from constipation.

Sometimes I shower with the water so hot that I fear one day I’ll turn it off and look in the mirror and I’ll be Harvey Dent aka Two Face.

I’m working on another New Year’s Resolution.  I resolve to quit procrastinating.  I figure I’ll start working on it come October.

What’s the point of having social networks if I can’t liveblog my thoughts on T.J. Hooker?

If I had to choose between ending world hunger or ending websites and business constantly reminding you that they have an app, I’d end the greater evil and a lot of people would starve.

I went to use my waffle maker and found that someone had broke it.  I’m going to film a documentary about finding the responsible party.  It’s just a shame that the film title “There Will Be Blood” was already taken.

Instagram is for people who want to know what you’re eating for dinner but can’t read.

I never had a tree house as a child because all our trees were homeless.

My girlfriend is a dick tease.  She’s always teasing me because mine is small.

I bought a four pack of condoms today or as I like to call it “a lifetime supply of condoms”.

My right arm is much strong than my left arm, but it’s not because I masturbate a lot, it’s because I started lifting weights with my right arm, so I could masturbate better. For me, it’s quality over quantity.

I don’t wash my hands after I urinate and I don’t wash my hands after I masturbate.  I can’t spend my whole life washing my hands.

When it comes to sex, I’m just like the Energizer Bunny, I’m no longer relevant.

Try saying, “Cunnilingus” five times fast. Cunnilingus,Cunnilingus, Cunnilingus, Cunnilingus, Cunnilingus. Talk about a tongue twister!

I auditioned for So You Think You Can Dance.  I hired a choreographer to help me make it but they didn’t let me on the show.  I was so upset.  My choreographer apologized but I’m pretty sure he was just going through the motions.

I would never say being impotent isn’t easy but being impotent certainly isn’t hard.

I hope this erection never goes away.  Knock on wood.

As a kid, I always wanted to be a super hero, so on Sundays I would secretly dress up and assist a priest during church services. It was my altar-ego.

I always put an apostrophe and an “s” at the end of my girlfriend’s name, because she’s so possessive.

I’m making a belt out of old watches but recently I felt like it’s a real waist of time.

Once your spirit is crushed, you’ll find it’s much easier to snort.

All the musicians of the world met for a secret meeting this past weekend to agree to a pact that they won’t make any more music so that Glee will run out of music to bastardize.

My parents never had “The Talk” with me which is why I send my nude photos to strangers on the internet.

A recent study found that 83% of 15 year old children in the United States were conceived while “Crash Into Me” by Dave Matthews Band was playing.

Maury should totally do more out of control teens shows.  Instead of having teens that drink, do drugs, and have sex, he should have teens who are addicted to the computer.  “I’m a Level 90 Paladin and I don’t care, it’s my character and I do what I want.”

A recent study found that 7 out of 5 Americans suck at math.

I think you and I need to kiss to break the tension.  Put your lips on your monitor and I can guarantee my lips will be on the other side. Go on do it.  HAHAHAHA…you don’t want to know what you just kissed.

A recent study conducted by the world’s top scientists found that the funnier a guy is, the larger penis he has.  So I think there should be a law we believe scientists but then I’m not funny so do what you want.

My mom asked if I wanted her to knit me anything.  How do I tell her I want a jock strap?

Today I heard someone say, “There’s a dead mouse in the Snapple machine.”  I didn’t know if they were saying that there was a mouse in the Snapple machine or if they were talking about another pop punk MTV forced down your throats band.

How do I become attractive to at least one member of the opposite sex?  I bet it would involve acid to the eyes.

I gave up working out in 2013 because the only muscle tha tmatters to girls is one I can’t make bigger.

I expect that some day there’ll be a song called “Don’t Look at Grandpa’s iPad”.

I can relate to Lance Armstrong except for the whole bike riding thing.

I heard that the McDonald’s McRib contains some of the same ingredients as a yoga mat.  Since when did McDonald’s use my ball sweat to make sandwiches?

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I’m pretty sure that if we start arming people in schools there’ll be a reality show called “Armed Janitors: Cleaning Up Crime Amongst Other Things”.  It will probably air on TRU-TV.

It’s interesting how much my house plant and I have in common.  We’re both living on vodka and rotting in front of the tv and neither of are getting laid any time soon.

When people say you have an infectious smile, does that mean they can see your herpes sores?

Why does my neighborhood have a neighborhood watch?  I think having a large neighborhood clock would be a wiser decision.

My girlfriend from high school has three children.  It looks like I dodged a bullet there which is good because her husband was assassinated.

If I’m ever involved in a flash mob or plan a flash mob, I give you permission to punch me in the face.

I only buy Oreos that have an expiration date that is the next day so I have an excuse to eat the whole package.

I’m slowly learning I may have a learning delay.

When I die I want a lot of ragtime jazz played at my funeral not because I like ragtime jazz but I just want to confuse the hell out of allthe funeral goers.

I found a Ricky Martin CD while cleaning out my closet.  Talk about irony.

Did you ever notice in the world of Mickey Mouse how Pluto and Goofy were both dogs but Goofy talked and wore clothes and walked like all the other characters and Pluto just kind of drooled, made noise, and moved around?  What was wrong with Pluto if he is a dog just like Goofy?  I sometimes get the feeling that Pluto was mentally challenged and that sick sadistic bastard Mickey kept him as a pet.

My city wasn’t built on rock and roll.  It was built on beer and hatred for non-Germans.

“Admit it; there is at least one Taylor Swift song that describes your life perfectly.”  William Shakespeare, Hamlet

“I think I’ve said enough already.” –no woman…EVER

Sundays without the Packers is like macaroni without cheese.

When I was in college the school’s firewall blocked so many porn sites.  The only one we could access was entirely in Spanish.  I tried to take Spanish classes because it’s amazing how far you will go to satisfy your desires.

Never trust a woman that can lick her own adam’s apple no matter what…NO MATTER WHAT!

I love going to monster truck rallies to pick up women.  It’s highly erotic watching female monster truck fans eating corndogs and turkey legs plus where else can I use my pick-up line, “Hey, I got a Big Foot in my pants”?

Guys, never compliment a girl.  It will remind them that they can do better than you.

I’m pretty sure a meteorologist is a guy who went to college to learn how to guess.

I wish I could build a time machine, go back to 1985, and watch Back to the Future.  Or maybe I’ll just buy a DVD.

New motto for Xanga audio: “There’s got to be a better way.”

You know Xanga’s not an A+ community when you hesitate posting your own thoughts on your own personal blog.

I have 99 problems and I could probably take care of 98 ofthem if I got off Xanga.

Sometimes Xanga makes me feel like I really need to go to church.

Xanga is much like porn. It’s much better when people stop talking.

Some of you are way too attractive to be arguing on Xanga.  Leave that shit for the Elephant Men of the world…me.

I use Xanga to show people I don’t need to be married or have children to be unhappy.

I think everyone on Xanga would get along better if we all shared a common enemy.  FUCK THE AMISH!  Yeah, that feels so much better,doesn’t it, Xanga?

I used to be pro-life but then I got a Xanga account and started following people.

The amount of single, hot people on Xanga makes me think that I am not single because I am ugly.

Every day I wake up, I’m happy to be alive.  Then I come on Xanga and realize how horrible I am because I’m a white, straight, male.

Why is Xanga the only website where people talk about how long they’ve been using it?  I’ve never heard someone say, “Well I’ve been using Myspace since 2003” or “I’ve been on Facebook since 2006.”  I can’t even remember when I started Xanga.

The first person to recommend this post will have one of their posts recommended by me.  Hopefully the post involves nude photos.

Class, I read your previous assignment and was pleased.  I appreciated all your answers and wrote my own.  You get an A.  Now shake off the cobwebs and get ready for a new semester of assignments.

Here's your next assignment:

A.
  
Why would you do this?

B.
  

C.
  
Why or why not?  Don't call Maury, answer in the comment box below.

Make sure you answer two questions clearly and concisely.  Answering all three questions gets you extra credit.  Also make sure you answer my extra questions underneath the photos.

Now get to work.

A.  I would become a porn mogul because porn is the ultimate indicator if our economy is floundering.

B.  4 Tires P215/65R17  I will win the zombie apocalypse

C.  I'm always on the fence with this one.  I would say "yes" if one partner has a higher sex drive than the other.  I would say "no" because in a way it is cheating.  I'd love to just watch the porn with my significant other but I'm sure that would be awkward.

I'm going to share some of these if you don't mind but be warned, for the most part they are of an adult nature.  Also the haikus make no sense for the most part or are copied comments I gave people that happened to be haikus.

I refuse to have turkey or stuffing.
I will boycott this meal; I’m not bluffing.
For my Thanksgiving treat,
There’s just one thing I’ll eat:
I will savor your sweet muffin.

Those words mean a lot
Coming from a poetic
genius like you

I only just try
Suppose I could do better
What would be the point

Baby offered her beautiful bum,
Yelped with joy when I stuck in my thumb.
My big dick deep inside her,
Ecstasy I’d provide her
So intense she cannot help but come.

Don't get minesweeper
Click and click and click some more
Photo makes me laugh

I should establish
From where I can sit and write
Haikus all day long

Christina’s date was a banker named Paul.
When they fuck, he can’t last long at all.
One time he started to pulled out,
And so she started to shout,
Christina penalized him for early withdrawal.

Smiley Face Killer
Steals the smiles of young men
All over the state

Every day it gets
So much harder to write them
Sex is on my mind

Wish I was with you now - right this minute.
An excuse to leave work: how to spin it?
My objective of this is,
To give your pussy wet kisses.
Then to slide my ecstatic cock in it.

Xanga is better
Even with drama, no one
is that moronic

Sitting down to eat
This is why I need a wife
Cunnilingus...YES!

This guy loved hisgirlfriend, named Helen.
He spoke fondly as his dick was swellin’.
But Jenny knelt at his feet…
Found his penis quite sweet.
Turns out Helen’s a ripe watermelon!

Brats, beer, and some cheese
Make me so happy and so
Sleepy...nap nap nap

Supple bouncy breasts
Female jumping jack contest
Godfather sponsored

I took my girlfriend to see Valparaiso.
For the trip she had just one proviso:
Every day we’re in Chile,
She got to play with my willie.
Being with her makes my spirits rise so.

Trust me on that one
I walked in on so many
Masturbating guys

Oatmeal for breakfast
Chili and grilled cheese for lunch
No sense is made here

Every time that my zipper unzips,
I can’t help but think of your luscious and lustful lips
Then I can’t zip it closed
My dick is hard and exposed
Which causes multiple rude men’s room quips

Hitler and Stalin
Could've been quite the tag team
Schizophrenia

Thank you very much
Comment earns you a haiku
It's now your haiku

You sat on my face by the fire
Licking you is my favorite desire
As my tongue probes inside
First you gasped and then you cried
Your joy sounds like an angel choir

Thanks very much, sir
I don't make much sense at all
Rustle my jimmies

I rock your world, eh?
Shouldn't we get married first?
The Sixth Commandment

It kicked ass.

Best restaurant ever!

Wow, that is one big girl to be using the Eiffel Tower as her love aid.

After he was fired by Santa, Biltzen did a lot of interesting things to make money.


Oh Bill, you so crazy!

Most brides throw out the bouquet when they get married.  Guess what Kim Kardashian made Kris Humphries throw out when they got married.

I wonder why no one proofreads any more.

You know it's time to shave when the bush sits up, smiles, and waves at the camera.

I'm trying to figure out which is a girl's best friend.

I have no comment.

I am so tired lately.  I'm totally dragging ass.

The Packers defense was as anemic as my blood.  I love using that analogy because it's so true.  My blood sucks.  You know what doesn't suck...#caturday

I hope everyone is having a great weekend.  My afternoon and evening stunk because I lost both games but winning at roulette at the casino made up for all the loses I incurred in the football games.  Hopefully tomorrow goes my way.  Also if you haven't read it yet, here's this week's Celebrity Round Up.

Mexican restaurant...72 to 80 ounce margarita...24 ounce margarita...could it have been my birthday?...no...buzz...Walmart...sweating...sleeping on bench...poked by employee...if I was a dinosaur my dinosaur name would be Cunnilingus Rex...go home...XANGA!  Round up!

This is Walton Goggins.  He's new to these posts.  I've enjoyed his work in shows like The Shield and Justified.  He also had a bizarre guest role on Sons of Anarchy this season.  He was recently interviewed in connection with the season premier of Justified.  For some reason the interview turned to pubic hair.  Here's what he had to say: "Can I tell you how much I miss pubic hair? My mom was a bit of a hippie, and I grew up seeing it on her and her sisters. It’s so beautiful, so feminine. To me, if the size of a penis dictates virility, the length of a woman’s pubic hair dictates her femininity. Men don’t even want hair on their bodies anymore. What’s going on? We’re animals, man! It’s really fuckking weird."  You know, I understand what he's talking about.  It's weird seeing everyone so bare.  I can't remember what show it was on, The Sopranos I think, where a character was in prison for some time.  He was shocked to watch a porn upon release and to see no pubic hair and he said it made him feel like a pedophile.  Other celebrities have voiced their concern.  Janneane Garafalo considers it to be an epidemic and Daniel Radcliffe has also said no hair is really weird.  To each their own I guess but his mom and aunts?  That's weird to me.  Maybe I should do a homework assignment asking people their opinion on pubic hair.  And no one would answer.

The Hollywood Reporter got their hands on a book about Scientology and in it there is a section about Tom Cruise's relationship with the head of the church, David Miscavige.  All I learned from reading the snippet is that Tom and David are in the most awkward of 69s.  Tom has his head up David's ass and David has his head up Tom's ass and they are also very delusional.  I also learned that David has staff polish all the lightbulbs in his mansion once a month, spends $20,000 a week on food, and thinks that he and Tom are the two biggest beings on the planet.  David also brags that Tom modeled his character in A Few Good Men after him.  David also encouraged Tom to divorce Nicole Kidman because he thought she was causing Tom to drift away from Scientology.  David also played along with Tom's desires to make the marriage last so David asked Tom what he could do for them.  Tom said he and Nicole always wanted to run through a field of wildflowers.  David made lower tier members of Scientology plant a field of flowers at the church's desert compound.  The field wasn't to David's liking so he ordered them to pick every flower, plow the field, and then sod it with grass.  This is a church.  The funniest parts deal with politics.  Tom Cruise was trying to get Prime Minister Tony Blair to declare Scientology a tax-deductible organization in Great Britain and he went to then President Clinton to help him but Clinton brushed him off.  I bet he would've listened if Tom was a chubby girl with big boobs.  I'd listen.  Then when President Bush was touting his No Child Left Behind policy, Tom Cruise was trying to get the president to add some of Scientology's teaching methods into the plan.  Well he didn't, thank Xenu, but an insider said that on the plane ride home David and Tom had a funny conversation.  David said, "Bush may be an idiot, but I wouldn't mind his being our Constantine."  Tom replied, "If fucking Arnold can be governor, I could be president."  David replied, "Well, absolutely, Tom."  You know all those people who said in this last election "if _____ wins, I'm moving to Canada"?  Well if Tom Cruise ever becomes president, I'm moving to another planet.  The only good thing about a Cruise presidency would be more action movies, more space exploration, and no sales taxes on lifts for men's shoes and lube.

And so it begins!  The Daily Mail is claiming that Taylor Swift and Harry Styles broke up after a fight during their New year's vacation.  Taylor ended their vacation early and flew back to the States while Harry stayed in the British Virgin Isles partying it up.  Taylor, have a seat. Let's rap for a minute. You have some serious boy problems. Namely, you are a grown woman who dates boys. We have a name for that. Also a felony charge. Then there are the rumors you have bearded for some gay celebrities in the past. This is just getting sad. You make about a bazillion dollars a year; maybe think of using some of that to see a really good shrink.  Apparently she has been tweeting lyrics to a song she's written about Harry.  This will not end well but then I'm sure by the time I hit the save changes button, Taylor will have scheduled a photo-op in an apple orchard with her newest underage piece of man.  Maybe she should date Justin Bieber so the Bieliebers can stop cutting themselves and stick pins in a Taylor Swift voodoo doll.  Radar Online is reporting that the reason they broke up is that Harry Styles was upset with her asexual ways.  Sources say that Taylor is concerned that the public will think she's a whore if she puts out.  Come on, I can't believe that.  She's dated so many guys and only dates them for a month or two at a time.  That's so weird.  She's not understanding that guys are dumping her because of her prudish demeanor.  If she's so concerned then maybe she shouldn't date guys for five minutes.  Maybe she should just be single instead of having to have a guy with her at all times.  Maybe she should stick with one guy that she feels comfortable doing the hibbity-dibbity with.  We usually exchange wedding rings for occasions like that.  If I was an 18 year old heartthrob I'd be looking for more in a relationship than spooning and watching chick flicks.  Another source claimed that Harry would want to go out to nightclubs and have fun outside the house but all Taylor wanted to do was sit at home and watch chick flicks or talk about antiques.  Is she secretly an old lady?  Oh, to have Taylor's problems. Taylor picks up a young piece, moves in next door to him, gets dumped for not putting out, writes a #1 song about it and then picks up another young piece to start the cycle all over again.  I get dumped and rejected all the time and I have no #1 song to show for it.  Jack Osbourne's wife, Lisa, chimed in on the break-up via Twitter: "I usually find out when Taylor Swift breaks up with someone before I even knew they were dating.  That's how fast these things happen"  "Either Taylor Swift is bat shit crazy & causes every guy to dump her, or she has too high standards for these poor guys!  droppin' like flies"  She later removed the tweets and said she loved Taylor.  I don't know which is worse, reading Lisa Osbourne's tweets or paying attention to Taylor Swift's dating career.

Is anyone shocked that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson didn't get nominated for any Academy Awards?  No?  OK.  Well this couple has had quite the year and Kristen is doing anything to please Robert after she cheated on him multiple times.  Sources have spotted them at a store in Hollywood called The Pleasure Chest where they routinely buy props and costumes.  Other sources claim that they also use blindfolds, handcuffs, and feathers.  Hey do you know what the difference between kinky and perverted is?  Kinky uses feathers, perverted uses the whole chicken.  Then someone else is claiming that the couple is having sex seven times a day.  Seven times?  Well that explains why they always look so pale and never smile.  They're in pain from all the hibbity-dibbity.  I once had a friend who bragged about having sex 10 times in one day.  His girlfriend said that it was awful.  So here we have to say, quantity isn't always quality.  Oh I'm just saying that because I'm alone.

Canada's freshest tulip, Pamela Anderson, was voted off the British reality show Dancing on Ice this week.  She was the first contestant voted off the show.  Apparently one of the reasons why she was voted off was because her breasts fell out of her costume during her routine.  This is a show where Heather Mills' leg fell off and she was subsequently voted off.  So let's recap...in 1998 Pamela Anderson is in a sex tape and it becomes the highest selling pornographic movie of all time because people can't get enough of her breasts also in the 90s people are tuning in to Baywatch to see her breasts bounce around in a swimsuit.  Now it's 2013 and her breasts fall out of her costume and she's voted out of a contest.  It sure is funny how time changes things.  Speaking of Baywatch, Pamela was approached to be in a new Baywatch movie but she expressed she wasn't interested.  She said she doesn't like how they turn classic TV shows into movies and she isn't interested in playing someone's mother.  Classic is bit of a stretch, is it not?  She owes millions of dollars to the IRS and she's worried about the artistic integrity of a Baywatch movie?  Am I on LSD?  I wouldn't be surprised if Pam had a complete psychotic breakdown and thought she was in a meeting with studio execs, but was actually just screaming jibberish into the drive thru mic at a Burger King. Pam hasn't had a good time of it ever since she came out against KFC.  Anyone who bashes the Colonel and his secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices is not alright in my book.

Nick Nolte attended the premier of Gangster Squad wearing this ensemble.  I think that's just a bathrobe.  I don't think he's trying any more.

Lindsay Lohan was evicted from her $8000 a month Beverly Hills house this week.  The news was slipped by a real estate agent who is now trying to sell the house.  OK, just so I have my facts straight, a chronically-unemployed narcissist who's hopelessly addicted to coke, or booze, or crystal meth -- or whatever the hell else keeps her from getting the shakes -- got herself kicked out of a house because of non payment of rent? Yeah, not really a surprise.  Lindsay is also now being accused of stealing a bracelet that once belonged to Elizabeth Taylor.  Liz's longtime nurse befriended Lindsay on the set of the movie and invited her over to her apartment to show Lindsay a bracelet that Elizabeth once owned.  Right after Lindsay left the nurse realized the bracelet had been stolen.  The nurse called Lindsay who claimed she had no clue what she was talking about and didn't have the bracelet.  Once the nurse brought up calling the police, Lindsay said she might know where it is.  One of Lindsay's crew eventually returned the bracelet.  The nurse made two mistakes.  First, she befriended Lindsay and, second, she invited Lindsay to her home.  That's just begging for something to be stolen.  Lindsay also supposedly took the bracelet to the jeweler to him produce a fake replica.  She bragged to friends that she was going to give the fake back to the nurse and keep the real one but when the nurse mentioned the cops that plan was thwarted.   Lindsay's a kleptomaniac, pure and simple. It all started in 1998 when she stole our hearts with her performance in The Parent Trap, and that eventually progressed to her stealing meth off a junkie she found passed out in a truck stop bathroom right outside Bakersfield.  Another story has surfaced that Lindsay was filmed for a Bravo show called Million Dollar Decorators.  They were going to decorate her house for free but then she kept the furniture but refused to allow them to film the reveal.  They gave her $250,000 worth of furniture.  Bravo couldn't get any of the furniture back because she moved it to an unknown storage unit.  Seriously, we need to start referring to Lindsay not as an actress but as a criminal mastermind.  I was going to write about an article about Lindsay's behavior that got her fired from the movie The Canyons but I'll save that for next week.

Liam Neeson was interviewed by The Catholic Herald this week.  In the article he talks about how difficult it is raising teenage boys in this society because society is filled with a bunch of sex crazed people and the media keeps rubbing sex in our faces and all this has taken away the mystery and specialness of sex.  Here's a quote: "I’d hate to be a kid now, because we’re all inundated with so much information about sexuality coming at us from everywhere – the media, the advertising billboards, just everywhere – and it must be so confusing for them. There’s a problem that, if you become over-familiar with something, it moves from the sacred to almost the profane. The act is very, very special, you know. It’s full of mystery and wonder, and I’d hate us all to get to the stage where we just treat it lightly, because it deserves more than that … but times have changed since I was young, no doubt about it."  Yes, society is filled with a bunch of sex hungry fiends and the media is rubbing genitals in our faces.  I can't even watch a football game without the announcers talking about how beautiful a dame is or them catching the cheerleaders jumping up and down and I don't need to mention beer and boner pill commercials.  But for Liam to be complaining is something else since he is a notorious poon hound.  In fact Janice Dickinson once quipped that Liam is packing a dick the size of an Evian bottle.  I have always maintained that the people who want to censor sex and complain about how evil it is portrayed in the media are some of the biggest pervs in private.  The thing with all that the media does portray in my mind is fake and a society inundated with all that fakery is just boring.

I think I'm going to have to start referring to Kate Winslet by her new married name...RocknRoll.  Kate RocknRoll and her husband Ned got the best wedding gift anyone could get.  Ned's uncle is billionaire Richard Branson.  He gave them each tickets to fly on the Virgin Galactic flight, a flight that leaves Earth's atmosphere.  Each ticket costs $200,000.  Ned works for Virgin Galactic and the flights will begin sometime this year.  Over 500 people have bought the tickets for flights.  Some of those people include Russell Brand, Stephen Hawking, and Ashton Kutcher.  The flights last about 2 hours and go 60 miles above Earth.  This is such a cool wedding present.  The only thing that would be cooler is getting a lap dance from Olivia Munn at my wedding. 

Jennifer Love Hewitt has dated like 90% of the men on this planet so now she's turning to space exploration to find more males on another planet for dating purposes.  Either that or she's trying to win the heart of recently divorced Buzz Aldrin.

As a fat guy, I don't know shit about fitness but I do know that what Hilary Duff is doing here is fantastic.  That's like the most difficult way to do a 69.

David Bowie turned 66 this week.  He did something that I've never quite understood.  When I was in grade school, whenever it was someone's birthday, the birthday person always passed out treats.  Shouldn't the birthday person be the one getting treats from everyone?  Well David gave us all a treat.  He released a new single titled "Where are We Now".  His new album titled "The Next Day" will be released on March 12.  I am thrilled.

Crystal Harris, 26 years old, wed pornographer Hugh Hefner, 86 years old, a few weeks ago.  Well Crystal announced that they want to have children.  Do you realize Hugh Hefner was born two years BEFORE bubble gum was invented in 1928?  Hef is insisting he's still man enough for the job, telling family and friends at the wedding he's still up for it. He wants to show the world that age shouldn't stop you doing anything.  Hey do you feel that on the back of your neck?  Those aren't ants, that's your skin crawling to the image of Hugh Hefner whipping out his withered beef jerky for his gold digging future baby momma.  Do you really think all the Viagra in the world could help him get it up and then how would he deliver a load?  She'd probably have better luck sitting on a toilet seat at a Playboy mansion orgy.  In unrelated news, Viagra stock rose 800% this week.

Cindy Crawford was recently photographed.  She still has it all these years later.  I remember when I was a freshman in high school having a contraband Playboy in my dorm and it had Cindy Crawford.  That would be 20 years ago this fall.  Holy shit I'm old.

Christina Hendricks is now modeling jewelery.  I don't get why she displays so much cleavage for a necklace but hey, that's swell...just like something is starting to do on my body.

This is Georgia Jones.  She is Charlie Sheen's new girlfriend.  She is a nominated actress.  Her last nomination was for Best All Girl Three Way in 2011.  Oh did I mention she was a porn star?  She is a porn star...go figure.  Is this really news anymore?  Of course Charlie Sheen dates porn stars.  He's Charlie Sheen and not Jonathon Lipnicki or Ryan Gosling or @GodfatherofGreenBay or whoever it is you girls find to be a handsome and wholesome male.  I think he has a death wish since he insists on sticking his dick into anything that winks at him.  Let's just do what we've been doing for the last couple of years and continue to take bets on when and how Charlie will be dead.  I still think he'll die in a skiing accident right after he finishes filming all 90 new episodes of Anger Management.  Did I mention he'd be skiing on a mountain of cocaine?  Sadly, the only real bet where you can still lay down good odds is whether Charlie will be found in a pool of his own waste before or after Lindsay Lohan is found in a pool of her own waste.

This is an ad CBS has been using to advertise the Super Bowl.  Apparently some Christian groups say this is an attack on Christianity and it's mocking them.  Conservative web publication World Net Daily is accusing CBS of "pushing a gay agenda" and "mocking Christians" with its new Super Bowl ad, which features the openly gay Neil Patrick Harris wearing eyeblack in which is written the dates of the game.  And it all deals with Tim Tebow.  I hate Tim Tebow so does that mean I'm mocking Christianity.  Apparently Tim Tebow would write Bible passages on his eyeblack and apparently this is a mockery to their religion.  Come on, I'm Christian and I don't see what this has to do with the gay agenda.  There are so many other players who wear eyeblack and they post messages on them  Why does the world have to revolve around Tim Tebow?  Reggie Bush routinely put his zip code and area code on his eyeblack.  Maybe CBS is mocking the notion of zip codes and they're calling them obsolete.  I think Christians like to complain just for the sake of complaining.  Nut up and shut up.  Remember when Jesus said, "They're going to hate you because of me"?  Well if this is part of that hatred then so be it.  He also said something about turning the other cheek.  Quit being whiny little runts and go about your lives.  According to Christ this is SUPPOSED to happen.  Where was this World Net Daily when the player for the Toronto Blue Jays wrote homosexual slurs on his eyeblack?  They should've voiced their concern since Jesus also taught us to love our neighbors and our enemies and I think homosexuals would fall into one of those categories depending on your outlook in Christianity.

TMZ is reporting that after one season of saying the same 15 words over and over again, and I think I'm being generous with 15, Britney Spears has QUIT The X-Factor.  There was a rumor last week that said FOX was going to fire her because she added nothing to the show and they were paying her beaucoup bucks.  They gave her $15million to judge people who were better singers.  Apparently Britney's camp is saying that she's working on a new album and wants to focus on her music.  FOX hoped that hiring Britney would make people care.  It didn't and ratings were actually lower this year.  They should probably hire Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer, or me.  I'd work for much less than $15million and I probably could judge music better since I took classes on how to teach music.  Yeah I have nothing.

Oh sweet lordie...Beyonce is hot.  I never really understood the fascination with her but then I saw them thighs.  Wowza.  Did I just type "wowza"?  Anyway Beyonce is set to perform at President Obama's inauguration.  She's set to sing the national anthem which I'm surprised isn't "Single Ladies".  She sang at the Inauguration Ball in 2009 so now she is going to be in the big time.  Kelly Clarkson is set to sing "My Country tis of Thee" and James Taylor will sing "America the Beautiful".  The line-up should feature the current flavors of the month.  Rebecca Black should sing the autotuned national anthem.  Taylor Swift and her exes(Harry Styles,   Joe Jonas, Chord Overstreet, John Mayer, Conor Kennedy, Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Lautner) should sing "My Country tis of Thee" since it seems like she's dated every guy in America at some point and now she's trying English boys.  And finally Honey Boo Boo should sing " 'Murica the Beautimounus Pageant".  Obama can have his biggest fan girl Beyonce sing jsut as long as I don't have to pay for it and if I do I better get some nude pics.  That should be a caveat of all tax hikes.  We get nude pics of whomever we want.  This photo was from a spread in GQ.  As always, Beyonce kept it humble during the interview and said that as far as she knows she's the hardest-working human in the music industry and she's earned her place as the queen of everything. Beyonce ended the interview by saying this: "I now know that, yes, I am powerful. I'm more powerful than my mind can even digest and understand."  HAHAHA that quote is so powerful that my mind can't even digest it.

we should be thankful that Al Roker has absolutely no filter when it comes to talking about gross details of his life.  I think he gave us the story of 2013.  About a month after he had his gastric bypass surgery, Al was working at an event at the White House.  He said he felt the urge to fart so he decided to let it flow and that the evidence would be destroyed by simply walking away.  Well his little fart turned out to be a big wet shart.  He then went to the bathroom, discarded his panties, and went commando for the rest of the night.  Here's the video.  I think Dateline NBC deserves the Pulitzer Prize and the Peabody Award.  Oh well, shit happens. 

I hope everyone has a good weekend and that you don't poop your pants.

Hi.

1.  I found this Tumblr today and thought I'd pass it along.  It's called Animals Having Parties.

2.  Remember when I was all over The AV Club's ass last time?  Well nothing much has changed.  Here's the results of their best TV of 2012.  I'm so glad Comedy Bang Bang made the list.  Now if only they put Bunk on that list.  And here's their ballots.

3.  Here is a list of TV shows that The AV Club says we should resolve to watch in 2013.

4.  And finally we have The AV Club's year in SWAG.

5.  Have you ever wanted to write a TV show but never had any ideas what the premise should be?  Well here is the hit TV show generator.  I hope to see you at the Emmy awards one day but I won't be cheering for you to win because all the shows I've written from that generator are bound to be nominated.

6.  The people at RiffTrax(what MST3K became after it went off the air) have compiled a list of the 25 worst movies of all time.  I'm surprised how many I've seen (15) and how many I own.

7.  I hate salmon.  There I said it.  I despise it.  When I was a kid, my parents ate that crap all the time.  I can barely write the word "salmon" without having my stomach turn.  Well I was visiting Food & Wine seeing if they had any reviews of my wine (they don't).  I happened upon this recipe for salmon and my stomach didn't turn and I found myself becoming aroused. 

8.  A few weeks ago I was watching a show about Nazi Germany on the Military Channel and they were playing the German anthem.  I know the modern version and was taken back by some of the lyrics in the version they used then.  Anyway, here are 6 national anthems that will having you shaking in your boots.

9.  Are you a juggalo or juggalette and looking for a place to share your faith with other juggalos and juggalettes?  Well here's Juggalo Faith, a site where fans of the Insane Clown Posse can talk about their faith.

10.  Gosh I feel like I'm turning into Datingish by posting this but here's 50 great date ideas.  Watch, I bet they'll take it.  I think a fun date these days would be to take a girl out to the family farm and shoot some assault rifles.  And you wonder why I'm single.

11.  Have you ever wondered how your favorite classic video game got it's name?  I've always wondered how Pacman, Metroid, and Donkey Kong got their names.  Well this list explains the origins of those and ten others.

12.  I don't science much but I found this list of funny molecule names to be quite funny.

One of these weeks I'm just going to do a NSFW tattoo only edition so stay tuned but here are some other tattoos.

I bet they don't carry that shoe in my size.

Four fried chickens and a Coke. 
And some dry white toast please.

They're not going to catch them because they're on a mission from God.

What do you, the viewers at home, think?  Personally I think that's the best tattoo ever.

Smile, you have a camera tattoo that makes it look like you have really dirty hands.

You may have to save me because my neck is hurting from bending it to try to read your tattoo.

You know the Monkees don't even write their own songs or play their own instruments.  I also hear that Michael Nesmith's hat isn't even his.  The Monkees weren't about music, Marge. They were about rebellion, about political and social upheaval.

Well, shucks, you could've just said so instead of getting a tattoo.

The world's first analrapist tattoo.

Jah bless this tattoo.  I wonder if that guy gets profiled by the police as being a stoner.

Oh poor Kurt...he looks so oddly happy.

Kieffer Sutherland is scary enough.  You don't need to make him a vampire on top of it.

It sort of looks like Dimebag Darrell is looking up at the person and asking, "Why would you get me tattooed on your body?"

You know that joke I had about Rex Ryan...well Rex Ryan having a tattoo of his wife wearing a Mark Sanchez jersey is like Bill Clinton getting a tattoo of Hillary wearing a semen stained blue dress.

So I was watching Amish Mafia tonight and now it's time to go play ps3.

And we're back to the rankings and points system that mean absolutely nothing unless you want them to mean something.

25.  The Baseball Hall of Fame  75pts
The sports writers didn't elect anyone to the hall of fame today.  I somewhat agree with that stance because of all the clouds surround the players that were up for induction.  I think Pete Rose will make the Hall before Barry Bonds.  I just hope they finally elect Jack Morris.

24.  It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia  80pts
It's currently on my TV.  I love this show.  Rock Flag Eagle!  Did you know they are launching a beer?

23.  Working Body Parts  100pts
I always took fully functioning knees for granted.  I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to be better to my limbs.

22.  Starship and Foghat 103pts
they are playing at the nearby casino the weekend of my birthday.  I'm totally going to go mosh with people in their 50s but only if my knees allow me the pleasure

21.  Gifs 112pts
Without them how would Tumblr exist?

20.  Porno Parodies 169pts
Pulp Friction...Lord of the G-Strings...Bi-Tanic...Breast Side Story...Buffy the Vampire Layer...Clockwork Orgy...Edward Penishands...Jurassic Pork...The Poonies...The Penetrator...these are all real titles.  I should really do another porno parodies post for your enjoyment.

19.  Masturbating 222pts
It's really confusing.

18.  Dan Patrick 225pts
I really love listening to his show.  It's just so awesome and so much better than anything ESPN offers.

17.  Django Unchained/Quentin Tarantino 237pts
I haven't seen this movie but with all I've seen of it on Tumblr I'm fairly certain I've seen everything.  I might go see it this weekend.  I'm fairly anxious to view it just because Tarantino is a master of dialogue.  I'm in the theater watching Death Proof and my jaw is hanging open because here's a movie about a guy that kills women with his car and it has some of the best dialogue in any movie I had seen that year.  Now I'm imagining that dialogue coupled with Leonardo DiCaprio...yeah I hope it's good.

16.  Phish 250pts
You don't have to be a stoner to enjoy their music...but it helps.

15.  Posture  275pts
I remember how my teachers always warned us to sit straight up in our desks otherwise we'd be slumped over as adults.  I ran into one of my classmates whom the teachers always nagged about sitting up straight.  She's all slumped over these days.  My gawd...my teachers were telling the truth.

14.  Teachers' Lies 276pts
I attended a Lutheran grade school and part of the curriculum was Bible history.  I don't know how many times from kindergarten through 8th grade I heard the story of Phillip preaching to the Ethiopian eunuch.  Every single time someone asked, "what is a eunuch" and every single time a teacher said, "a high ranking government official".  If having your junk cut off is what it takes to make it in government then I'll be happy being a nobody.  This may explain things in D.C. though.

13.  Magnets 295pts
How the fuck do they work?

12.  Money 750pts
I like money too.  We should totally hang out.  The first person to give the answer to this reference will make next week's power rankings.

11.  American Horror Story: Asylum 969pts
Amirite?  That show is amazing.  I won't give away any spoilers here because I know some of you may watch it but haven't seen recent episodes.  But the last episode, the creator Ryan Murphy, sent a Tweet about there being a clue as to what the next season would be.  My guess is a circus, a funeral home, or a darker version of Glee.  Pepper Pepper bo-bepper, Banana-nana-fo-fepper, Fee-fi-mo-mepper, PEPPER!

10.  The Number 9 999pts
Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9

9.  Assault Rifles 1250pts
I was thinking of buying one but the price tags are a little out of my range.  I mean I don't think I want to shell out $1400 for a gun.  It's amazing how people are buying into the paranoia of banning the weapons.  I was told that recently a large sporting good store featured some sort of sale and there were people lined up for a mile just for the chance to order a gun.

8.  Milk Duds 1300pts
Two of the best things in candy...chocolate and caramel...in one candy, a candy that when eaten outside in a Wisconsin winter will shatter your teeth. 

7.  The lead singer of Smashmouth, Violent J of the Insane Clown Posse, and Guy Fieri 1500pts
Have you ever seen them together in one place?  No.  It's because they are the same person.

6.  Cats 1685pts
I don't know where mine are right now and that is scaring me because I'm afraid that once I leave this room they are going to attack me.

5.  Alex Jones 1776pts
The dude is insane.  Sometimes I don't think he could tell rat shit from Rice Krispies.  He believes that the government is flying planes over us and spraying us with chemicals to keep us in line.  He feeds on paranoia.  Oh and is it any surprise that he and Charlie Sheen are good friends? 

4.  The Green Bay Packers 6000pts
They are America's team.  They are the best team to ever take the football field.  You can't argue these facts and if you try well I won't respond because you're obviously a lummox.

3.  Xanga 6502pts
Thanks for getting rid of chat.  Thank you so much.  Now if you could just bring back the ability to leave blank comments and still get eprops.

2.  Cunnilingus 6969pts
Come on, it's the closet thing to heaven on earth...worshiping at the altar of Venus...spreading the Gospel of St. Likalotapus.  Yeah, I'm a freakshow.

1.  Xanga Erotica Contest  1,000,000pts
Do you have a hankering to write some naughty stuff?  You have one month to submit so get to writing.  Oh and here are the contest details.  Check out that awesome judge.

These aren't my glasses

I'd watch a musical if it involved chips.

I don't know which is funnier, the bear or the box.  Either way, I know what some lucky lady is getting for Valentine's Day.

I doubt there is a photo that is more iconic than this.  The King of Rock and Roll and the most corrupt president in American history...both had their birthdays this week.

Once TLC is done with her, MTV 2 plans on airing episodes of Honey Boo Boo Pimp My Ride

Zero Dark Smurfy

Without gifs and Tumblr how else would I have discovered this gem and then spend the next 10 minutes laughing my head off?

Crazy Uncle Joe...your hand is getting a little high there.  Is it me or does that cop look like W.C. Fields?  Am I expecting too much that Xanga might know W.C. Fields?

Have a great time period.  I'm watching to make sure you leave eprops.

I’ve heard of hate-sex but is there such a thing as hate-masturbation?  Screw it, I’ll just go down this pint of Ben & Jerry’s then go find out.

It’s funny how everyone is making lists of things they accomplished in 2012 and here I am proud that I actually showered before sundown.

I don’t know but this fifth bottle of champagne is turning the slippery slope of sadness into the slip and slide of indifference.

I’m really indecisive…I think.

A kid was sick today at school and his mother came in to pick up homework assignments.  After I handed her what the teacher left, she said, “God there’s a lot of ugly people in this school.  Teachers and students alike.”  That made my 2013.

I wonder what horrible and annoying song will be forced upon us 24/7 in 2013.

I think the reason why I’m single is because I’ve never spent the weekend at a ski resort and sung karaoke with a complete stranger and while we are singing the duet we fall madly in lust and then she gets pregnant after 15 seconds of passion and we then spend the rest of our lives together miserably.

Anyone who is short on cash and in the United Kingdom just take photos of your money because they say the camera adds ten pounds.  God…a currency joke.

I am hoping that I turn ridiculously handsome in 2013.  So far it hasn’t happened but I have a few more days.

I was hearing these kids talk about being bilingual.  One said you can’t be bilingual and that you’re either homolingual or heterolingual and if you call yourself bilingual you’re just confused and going through a phase and that one day you’ll meet one language and settle down so you have to stop being an attention whore now.

I don't get it, everyone is talking about it but "Django And Change" isn't playing anywhere in this town.

I’ve had the idea to start writing erotic sports fiction under the pen name Joe Thighsman or Arnuts Palmher or Dick Buttkiss.

This year I resolve to make everyone happy by wearing pants more often.

This year I also resolve to suck the life out of everything I touch because who needs to be good at things?

I feel the best about myself when I’m composing operas.

Does anyone else find it weird that pirates went from island to island looking for buried treasure when the true treasure was right in front of them in all the wonderful friendships they made aboard the boats?

Good news for Washington D.C. tanning salons, John Boehner was re-elected as speaker of the House.

I think I’m human dubstep. At first everyone loves me and then over time they realize how annoying I am and then they leave me for the human equivalent of rap music.  But it really does freak me out when people realize I’m nothing special.

I wish I could be a rapper because then I could get paid to talk about sex and whine about minor inconveniences and then diss people I don’t like.

As I’m watching the Packers game I realize there are far too many commercials for erectile dysfunction. If this keeps up we’re only a year or two away from a salute to boner pills Super Bowl halftime show.

Congress officially tallied the electoral votes this week.  Karl Rove was seen banging a calculator on a table in the back of the House floor.

If I ever have to poop in public and someone enters the stall next to me, I like to yell out “spoiler alert” to let them know that I would appreciate them warning me about anything that may happen.

I would never smoke marinara.

I always wanted to be a tattoo artist just so I could tattoo random Chinese characters on unsuspecting people.

How come we have Doritos tacos but we don’t have Cheetos macaroni and cheese?

Old joke is old: What do Pablo Picasso and Smurfette have in common?  They both had blue periods.

Pick-up lines destined for failure: “You better have a driver’s license because you’re driving me crazy.”  “There may be plenty of fish in the sea but you’re the only one I’d like to catch and mount back at my place.”  “I’m a trisexual in that I’ll try to have sex with you.”  “How about I slip into something more comfortable like you?”

There was a guy in my high school class named Matt.  Actually there were five of us named Matt and it was hard to keep us apart.  We had one guy we called Laundry Matt.  He really enjoyed washing his clothes at home because both of his parents were killed at a Laundromat.

If pigs taste like bacon then imagine how good attractive people will taste.

They say Latin is a dead language which is probably why no one wants to have sex with it except a few weirdos.

I was arrested pleasuring myself at a theater much like Pee Wee Herman except mine was at a screening of Lincoln.

My girlfriend always has a fresh vagina because I am such a douche.

If mixing up common homonyms is wrong, eye don’t want two bee write.

Just once before I die I would like to see someone trip on a banana peel, or have sex with a woman without having to pay her. Either one is good.

Old habits die hard and so do people who overdose on Cialis.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

If I could afford a pacemaker, I would buy one in a heartbeat, which unfortunately for me, isn’t nearly as fast as it should be.

When I told her that I was DTF, I meant that I was Down To Father her children. However, I will not be having sex with anyone. Test tube babies only!

I have a severe peanut allergy. I am so allergic to peanuts,that if I so much as even catch a glimpse of Charlie Brown, my entire throat swells up.

We live in a world of instant gratification, so why do ladies act so surprised when I prematurely ejaculate?

“It’s a dog eat dog world out there.”  Dog trying to justify cannibalism.

Fact of the week: the sound effects used in porn are taped.  They use recordings of old men eating oatmeal.

Some people say I come off as arrogant but I say they are lucky to hear the sound of my voice and read everything I write.

My dad asked, “Were you cripplingly depressed over the holiday season?”  I told him I was and he answered, “Well just think, Valentine’s and Presidents’ Day is next month and you’re still alone.”

If evolution was real shouldn’t we have evolved to make our tears chocolate syrup by now?

What does it mean if you don’t have a fortune in your fortune cookie?  I think I’m going to die before I get hungry again so in a half hour.

Going to a diner and eating a whole pie is a lot cheaper than therapy.

Kids find it annoying when I hold milk cartons up to their faces to compare.

They don’t call me “Black Mamba” for nothing.  In fact, they don’t call me “Black Mamba” at all.

“I’m going bananas.” -What I tell my bananas when I leave the house.  I always forget to pronounce the comma.

I feel odd when I bring my Never Kink brand hose into the bedroom.

Why does my grocery store call all their banana sales “Ladies Night”?

I don’t ask for much but I wouldn’t mind having everything.

Do people in third world countries understand the phrase, “Bite off more than you can chew”?

They say ketchup makes everything better.  It’s a lie because I dumped a bottle on a Vikings jersey and they still suck.

I don’t remember much of last night but I know it must have been good because I woke up wearing a lobster bib.

Rex Ryan has a tattoo of his wife in a Mark Sanchez jersey which is like Bill Clinton having a tattoo of Hillary in a semen stained blue dress

Most relationships end in break up. Moral: Stay inside.  Alone. Online. Talking to people thousands of miles away that you'll never meet.

I had a hot piece of ass last night.  I’m thankful my meat market sells donkey.

People trolling on Xanga should do something productive with their lives like walking off the side of a bridge.

When I was a kid I used to think that I was a human and everyone else was a robot.  That’s what I think of Xanga sometimes.

Someone said Xanga is a waste of time.  Yes, because meeting awesome people, making new friends, and laughing are horrible things.

Xanga makes me sexually attracted to other people’s brains.

Never ask why you’re on Xanga.  Only communists ask questions, you understand, comrade?

Some people see my Xanga as a collection of awkward jokes.  Others say my Xanga is an extension of my awkward personality.  In other words, I’m all awkward, baby.

8 words will win any argument on Xanga: “I know you are, but what am I?”

I enjoy Xanga because I can post something about being in a relationship with a shoebox and no one will judge me because you already think I’m insane.

Xanga is pretty cool because no matter what you choose to blog about there is going to be someone out there that hates you with a mad intensity.

I think I’m about to go HAM as everyone seems to be saying these days.  That means Home and Masturbate.