OK, class, I graded and answered your last assignment.  Now some of you were a bit rusty but I'm going to chalk that up to summer brain entropy.  Make sure you answer the all the questions fully and concisely.

Here's your next assignment:

A.
   

B.
   

C. 
 
Is this a good song to play at a funeral?  Why or why not?

Make sure you do two of the questions and make sure for question C you answer the questions underneath the photo.

Now get to work.

My answers:
A.  I'd probably end up in Germany so I could live in one of the Reformation castles or churches.  I also think Germany would be just like home.  I guess that is why so many Germans settled in this state because it reminded them of home.

B.  I'd go with the Full House cast.  I was right around the same age as DJ and Stephanie.  I think DJ was supposed to be a couple years older and Stephanie was a couple years younger so I would've loved that dynamic plus you had the awesome rocker Uncle Jesse and the comedian Uncle Joey.  Then Danny would clean everything for you even when you drove the car through the kitchen.  Plus I'd get to hear "cut it out" quite often.  I might also like to live with The Foremans on That 70s Show, Lenny and Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley, and The Cunninghams from Happy Days.

C.  Nothingman by Pearl Jam...I don't know how that would work for a funeral song but I think it would be good for me since it may be my favorite song.

A while back I talked dropped some knowledge on all of you and I think it went unnoticed by everyone except one and it blew her mind.  I proposed that a woman's natural lip color is the same color as her nipples.  I won't tell you the specifics of my study because I'm sure most of you are taken back by this bold theory.  So what I'm looking to do is collect photos of women's breasts and lips.  You can send me your photos at my email iwannaseeyourboobies2012@yahoo.com  This is for science, ladies!  Oh and I also got thinking that since women are sending photos of breasts around for breast cancer why aren't men being hit up to send photos of their junk since prostate cancer kills more men than breast cancer kills women?  Or maybe men would submit photos of the old brown eye.  Who knows?  I just feel that the ladies of Xanga should be jumping on that and jumping on me.  Speaking of jumping on me, is it normal to have nothing but Xanga sex dreams.  Gosh.  I bet all women are saying, "Please don't be me, please don't be me, please don't be me!"  Well I'll have you know it was you and you had the greatest 15 seconds of your life.  Seriously, ladies, if a guy is done in under a minute, you should take it as a compliment because that means you are a sex goddess.  I wonder how many people are going to try sending email to that address.

Another night of Xanga sex dreams and postulating ridiculous scientific theories about nipples.

OK, I'll stop believing after I call my insurance agent because of this car accident because I thought it was a "Don't Stop" sign.

Best.  Prank.  EVER!

You're American!  Eat the regular kind, sissy.  We didn't dump sissy drink in Boston Harbor and kick them limey bastards out of our country so you could eat reduced sodium microwavable crap.

The perfect conservative candidate

He needs a third tablet that says, "Acquire guns".

Robert Johnson is the man

Gandhi was such a badass

50 Shades of Neigh or maybe NAY

The Fonz would approve

I am currently working on a petition for the Wisconsin legislature to make this our new state song.

Yeah, most definitely have to be careful about what you wear on picture day.

"You got syphilis on my herpes!"  "No, you got herpes on my syphilis!"
Coming soon to KMart: The Sandra Lee Collection.

Before the Hamburger Helper hand was helpful, he was a bored, unhelpful, lazy teenager.

This is not the kiwi that Gotham deserves but the one it needs right now.

I bet that kid is a racist

I was going to but this on a leather cut and sell it at some comicon but I forgot that people who'd wear that would only want it on capes.

Don Gorske is the man

I'm an award winning human

but I forgot it.  Anyway it's #caturday  enjoy

Maybe I'll have more to say tomorrow.

Hey, what do you know, not depressed tonight.  I got a new TV because mine was too old and the company doesn't even exist any more.  My dad didn't have a heart attack and my mom was released from the hospital.  I broke a personal rule tonight and ate spaghetti sauce out of a jar but I have to say that the Prego bacon and provolone sauce may be the best canned sauce I've ever had and I'd be willing to use it again.  Anyway, my life doesn't excite you so here's the round up.

Good news, Ted fans.  There will be a sequel.  Now you can revel in jokes recycled from Family Guy.  Universal wants to start production as soon as possible because the first movie grossed over $400million.  There were no other specifics.  I never saw the movie because I figured that I saw the entire thing in previews and gifs on Tumblr.

This is Yunel Escobar.  He plays baseball for the Toronto Blue Jays.  This week he was suspended by Major League Baseball for the writing on his eye black.  In Spanish that translates as "You're a faggot."  I really don't know what people think when they do shit like that.  Did he honestly think that there are white folks that don't speak Spanish?  I should post a link to the story and end with the question, what would you rather see on eye black: gay slurs or Bible verse references?

Do you even know who this is?  He's an Olympian and has won gold medals for the U.S. at the winter Olympics.  He's supposedly one of the most dominant athletes in two sports even though most people don't really consider what he does to be a sport.  It's Shaun White, the Flying Tomato.  He's so dominate in the ESPN created X-Games.  Apparently he was in Nashville and was trying to advance to the medal round in the X Games event called "running down the hallway and pulling fire alarms".  He pulled a Charlie Sheen and started trashing his hotel room.  White was confronted by hotel staff and he took off running down a hall way to make a getaway and on the way he decided to pull a few fire alarms for good measure.  Well since he was drunk he couldn't run that straight and he ended up falling down and splitting his head open on a fence and the shiner was a result.  Police were called and they charged White with public intoxication and vandalism but they didn't take him in because he was taken to the hospital for treatment.  He is a ginger so it was only a matter of time before he revealed himself to be a soulless menace hellbent on destroying everything in his ginger path.  I'm surprised there were people drowned in his bathroom or a giant stash of ACME brand explosives on his bed.  Maybe it's just early in his ginger buffoonery.  Maybe the Olympics and X Games need an event called Douche Beating.  The fence would win the gold every year.

Shakira announced this week that she was expecting her first child.  The Colombian singer has been going steady with Spanish soccer star Gerard Pique since last year.  This announcement comes in wake of a rumor that there is a sex tape involving the two.  Weird.  I've heard of people filming the births of their children but I've never heard of people trying to film the conception.  Maybe now her breasts won't be small and humble.  Interestingly, Pique is expected to miss 2-3 weeks after spraining his foot yesterday in Barcelona's Champions League' match again Spartak Moscow, an injury that is quite obviously the work of the demon fetus in Shakira's perfect body.  How much destruction will the little demon exact upon mankind?  No one knows, my friend, no one knows.  Imagine if the child is a ginger and pairs up with Shaun White.

Selena Gomez was spotted poolside chatting on a phone.  Why yes, she was chatting with me and, yes, things were getting heated.  Out of camera range was Justin Bieber yelling, "Get off the phone!  The Godfather hates me and no he's stealing my girlfriend.  I'm so emasculated.  Also close your legs.  You know how I feel about girl parts."

Because Pattie Mallette hasn't made enough money off her kid, she's writing a book about her life being Justin Bieber's mother.  She was recently on the Today Show and was interviewed by Kathy Lee Gifford and Pattie said that she lost her virginity at 15 and was pregnant at 17.  She said survived a suicide attempt after being sexually abused and wound up in a psychiatric ward.  She was visited by a Christian counselor who convinced her not to abort the baby and now we have Justin Bieber.  So let's get this straight, Pattie gave birth to Justin Bieber and is writing about HER life.  I probably could read that entire book while standing at a Walmart checkout line.  Page 1...hi, my name is Pattie.  Page 2...Justin Bieber was in my belly and came out my vagina.  Page 3...now I'm rich.  Page 4...I can't believe you bought this.  The end.  I hope I didn't spoil anything for all of you Pattie Mallette fans.

Salma Hayek and Oliver Stone were out promoting the movie Savages this week.  Yeah, Oliver, boobs do that to me too.  Oliver must have arthritis and he's trying to relieve his pain by grasping the hooters of holiness.

The website ComingSoon.net released still shots from the Robocop remake.  Joel Kinnaman is playing the Alex Murphy/Robocop role and apparently Robocop had a makeover.  According to ComingSoon, this is the synopsis of the movie: In RoboCop, the year is 2028 and multinational conglomerate OmniCorp is at the center of robot technology. Their drones are winning American wars around the globe and now they want to bring this technology to the home front. Alex Murphy (Kinnaman) is a loving husband, father and good cop doing his best to stem the tide of crime and corruption in Detroit. After he is critically injured in the line of duty, OmniCorp utilizes their remarkable science of robotics to save Alex's life. He returns to the streets of his beloved city with amazing new abilities, but with issues a regular man has never had to face before.  Robocop is one of my favorite movies and I quote it almost daily.  The suit looks a little too much like Batman but the movie also stars Gary Oldman, Michael Keaton, and Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Earle Haley, and Michael K. Williams.  I suppose it might be good after all but I would love to see Red from That 70s Show as the villain once again and fall into a vat of toxic waste and get run over by a car.  The movie is scheduled to come out in 2013.

15 years removed from the scandal that rocked America, Monica Lewinsky is set to pen a tell-all book about her relationship with Bill Clinton.  People are worried for Bill's sake that what she'll reveal will kill him because of his weak heart.  Apparently she's going to talk about how daily she begged Bill to leave Hilary because Monica could love him better.  She's 40 now and is single.  I sort of feel bad for her because of it but then I don't know that she's going to cash in.  Also I'm trying to wrap my mind around why old Humidor Crotch has waited so long to write a book about it.  What do you think she'll title the book...A Million Little Cum Stains?  Tuesdays with Whorrie?

Larry Hagman turned 82 this week.  This guy might be one of the most memorable characters in TV history.  J.R. Ewing was such a villain and people loved to hate the guy.  I remember reading once how Hagman got death threats because of the hatred surrounding J.R. Ewing.  I really liked his work in the new Dallas reboot.  Back to his old tricks.  And suddenly I'm having a memory from my childhood.  I have written before about a kid we called Checkerman.  He had a sister that always wore a shirt that said "I Love to Hate J.R. Ewing".  Such a great shirt for church.  I can't remember but I think on the back it said, "I shot J.R."

I know I have a lot of Lady Gaga fans that read this post but we have to face facts.  She's becoming irrelevant day by day and that the "shocking" shit she does no longer shocks and her music isn't that good and it's played out.  So of course she smoked weed on stage at a concert in Amsterdam.  Midshow Gaga admitted to being a member of the "green club" and pulled out a joint and started toking in front of many young fans.  She started praising marijuana for its medicinal purposes and she felt the best place to announce her feelings for the drug was in Amsterdam.  While some fans appreciated her honesty, most were unimpressed by her antics.  Talk about pandering, was that supposed to be shocking to anyone in the audience?  SHE WAS IN AMSTERDAM!  I can't wait for her to eat a taco while performing in Mexico City and claim to be part of the tortilla club.  I can't wait for her and 3 other women to get married to one man when she performs in Salt Lake City.  People will be shocked and minds will be blown.  Here's a video.  Also this week, a new Gaga song titled "Cake Like Lady Gaga" or "Cake/Trap" was leaked.  I have no fucking clue what that title means and I'm not quite sure if this is the worst song in the history of recorded music.  Apparently her rapping style is to take a bunch of Xanax and rhyme designer names and then threaten to shoot a bitch ass trick.  People do claim it's not her but according to a commenter on Sound Cloud it is her: "this most definitely is Gaga. It was posted by gagas current producer DJ Whiteshadow with her vocals pitched down. This is the fixed version. Also, Gagas best friend Tara confirmed via Twitter its her."  Well here's the song.   Sorry.

If you can forget the fact that Khloe Kardashian doesn't look half-black and believe everything the National Enquirer prints then you'll believe their claims that O.J. Simpson is the father of Khloe.  He apparently told his other children that even though he is dirt poor he has a secret account in the Cayman Islands that is where his NFL pension is being sent.  He also admitted that he could be her father because he had an affair with Kris Kardashian(now Jenner) the wife of his friend Robert.  Now O.J. is supposedly feeling upset that he was never in her life and so he's re-writing his will to include Khloe.  Hmmm maybe O.J. is just trying to cash in on the Kardashian family reality shit.  What more could I possibly add to this story?  O.J. is the type of guy that it's shocking he hasn't tied his children to train tracks.  Also does Khloe really need the money?  Of course not, but if O.J. wants her to have it, then it's hers. O.J. must be so frustrated. Since he's in prison where he belongs, he can't handle things the way he's accustomed to. Of course by "handle" I mean murder, and by "things" I mean his sassing children.

A sex tape starring Kanye West performing with an 18 year old girl who looks like Kim Kardashian is being shopped to various websites.  The tape is apparently 20 minutes long and features a lot of dirty talk, petting, and kissing and then Kanye focuses on the girl.  This must be terrible for his new girlfriend Kim.  It's heartbreaking to know your significant other is involved in a sex tape. 

Jimmy Fallon turned 38 this week.  I actually like this guy now.  I hated him on Saturday Night Live but I think that was because at that time I really wanted to be on the show and I was struggling in life.  Anyway, I've grown past my dislike and I actually like his talk show.  It's so much better than Jay Leno but that's not saying a lot.

Jim Carrey was spotted in Malibu scoping out all the ladies in bikinis.  When asked if he'd like to go back to her apartment, Jim was quoted as saying, "ALRIGHT THEN!"  Actually that's his girlfriend.  It must be nice to be rich.

It's hard to believe that Harvey Pekar has been dead for two years.  This guy was a hero of mine.  He wrote the legendary comic book American Splendor.  American Splendor is also the name of a movie about the life of Pekar, a movie which also is one of my favorites.  There will also be quite a bit of posthumous work that will be released.  Pekar was a native of Cleveland, OH and the city will erect a statue of Pekar at the Lee Road branch of the Cleveland Heights-University Heights Public Library, a library that Pekar frequented.  The unveiling will be on October 14th and JT Waldman who worked with Pekar on Not the Israel My Parents Promised Me will be speaking.  I remember there's a statue of Herge the creator of Tintin in France but I can't think of any other comic writer that has a statue dedicated to them.  This is awesome.  Anyway, here's a photo of the statue in it's unfinished form.

From accounts of past boyfriends and husbands, Halle Berry is crazier than a dog in a hubcap factory or a June bug in May.  That being said, she can wear the hell out of a bikini and if there was an equivalent of heroic military leaders it would be General William Sherman or Uncle Billy.  Now all these people south of the Mason Dixon line are talking about seceding if Obama is re-elected.  Don't make me re-animate Uncle Billy and have him march to the sea.  My great-grandfather served under Sherman.

Even though many other celebrities have been busted for marijuana in Texas, Fiona Apple thought it'd be a good idea to have it while in Texas this week.  She was busted in a town called Sierra Blanca.  It's a town in Texas, 20 minutes from the border so it's popular for two things: drug trafficking and celebrity trafficking.  Celebrity trafficking?  Yes, the town is located on I-10, the interstate that runs from Los Angeles to Florida and film crews and music tours travel along that route.  Other celebrities busted in Sierra Blanca include Armie Hammer, Paul Wall, Snoop Dogg, and Willie Nelson.  She was arrested after drug sniffing dogs found her stash of hashish after border agents stopped the bus because of a strong odor of marijuana.  She was booked in the Hudspeth County jail and for some reason she's still sitting in jail.  I always thought Fiona Apple would've been busted for heroin because of the way she looks, some of her early music videos, and her pretentiously long album titles.  And up until tonight, I thought I looked good in purple.  I guess I'm wrong quite a bit and I never want to be called Grimace ever again.  Speaking of McDonald's characters, doesn't she look like she's either wearing a Hamburglar Halloween costume or she is the Hamburglar.  Damn...maybe after smoking weed she gets the munchies and steals hamburgers.  Damn you, marijuana!  You ruin everything!

Moments after this photo was taken, Clint Eastwood started yelling at those empty chairs for supporting President Obama but then he started laughing uproariously because a few of the chairs told him some funny jokes and then he took out his notepad and wrote down some ideas a chair gave him for a future movie production.

This is Casandra Petersen.  She is better known as Elvira.  She turned 61 this week.  I remember watching her show when I was a kid.  I was too young to get the two biggest rating magnets.  I watched a few episodes and then I had nightmares.  My parents forbade me from watching after that.  So sad.  I recently saw her on an episode of Oddities.  They went out and bought a necklace of human teeth for her.  She still looked great and like she could step into that dress.  I still remember the short lived FOX Reality Channel.  They had a show that was to pick the new Elvira.  Plot twist: the winner didn't work out and old Elvira became the new Elvira.

Candice Swanepoel was doing a photoshoot for the new Victoria's Secret catalog and after she was finished she took a trip to the beach.  God bless trips to the beach.  I've been staring at that ass like some people stare at faint images of Jesus on pieces of burnt toast.

Bill Murray turned 62 this week.  I don't really need to write anything more because it's Bill Murray.  I always hear he shows up to random events so I'm officially inviting Bill to the Xanga meet-up on June 1st in Wisconsin Dells.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was spotted driving his brand new, 5 ton, Mercedes-Benz U1300 Unimog.  It's a vehicle that's listed at $250,000 and gets 12 miles per gallon.  Arnold really wanted to take his M1 Abrams tank out to lunch but that thing is a bitch to park and most valets don't know how to drive tank.  Also, sorry about the small penis, Arnold.

At first I thought this was a promotional poster for a new Wuzzles or Oogieloves movie.  This is actually a poster of the new "cast" of American Idol season 472.  From left...Mariah Carey, Keith Urban, Ryan Seacret, Nicki Minaj, and Randy Jackson.  I don't know why but Randy Jackson looks out of place and it's like he just rolled his chair to the desk and pushed his way into the photo because what else is he going to do?  TMZ is reporting that after about 30 seconds of being judges, Mariah Carey hated Nicki Minaj and Nicki Minaj hated Mariah Carey.  Sources are saying that when Nicki tries to be critical during the auditions Mariah Carey talks her down and disagrees on everything.  They end up talking louder and louder trying to talk over each other.  I guess American Idol will be having a costume competition because that's the only thing I could see Nicki Minaj judging on a nationally televised karaoke competition.  It will just be those two catty chicks trying to talk over each other.  I'm not sure why they don't move this show to VH1 or Bravo.

This is Alison Pill.  Oh you don't know Alison Pill?  Neither did I until a few weeks ago drunkenly posted this photo on Twitter.  She's probably best known for her roles in Midnight in Paris, Milk, Scott Pilgrim versus the World, and Newsroom.  A friend said she sent the photo during Fashion Week and it was because she was really drunk and was farting while models walked down the aisle.  How awesome is that?  I would've loved to see a model walk by Alison hear her rip a big fart to break the model's concentration.  So when she posted this photo she only had 13,000 followers on Twitter.  Now she has 31,000 followers.  I guess this means nudity pays or maybe people are huge fans of her work on Newsroom.  I hear it's a pretty good show.  Nudity pays...not for me.  I posted nude pics of myself on Tumblr and didn't get any increase in followers.  Sigh.  I am so ugly and not a female.

This is Alessandra Ambrosio.  She had a baby back in May and she's been working so hard to lose the baby weight.  As you can see from her midsection she has months of work left to do.  I bet she ate a cookie sometime back in August.  Such a shame.  Man...seriously...I wonder if she put on any weight during her pregnancy.  Weight Watchers should've hired her instead of Jessica Simpson.

Adriane Curry recycled her Dark Lily costume for Comikaze this week in L.A.  She also recycled her old Playboy shoot by selling autographed copies to all the people looking at comic books.  Apparently people wearing capes will buy anything.  That pretty much explains Hot Topic.

Back in 2007, when Paris Hilton was more relevant, she made anti-gay slurs and racist comments in a video of her partying at a club.  She referred to herself and her sister Nicki as "like two niggers".  I guess Paris didn't realize that videos provide a permanent record.  She apologized and learned her lesson...for 5 years.  This week a video surfaced on Radar in which Paris makes disparaging comments about homosexuals.  She was in a cab in New York City for Fashion Week.  Paris was with a friend who is openly gay and the driver had his in-car recorder taping.  The gay friend was talking about a phone app called Grindr and he described it as an app for gay guys looking for other guys to screw.  Paris then said, "Ewww. Eww. To get fuckked? Gay guys are the horniest people in the world.  They're disgusting. Dude, most of them probably have AIDS.  I would be so scared if I were a gay guy.  You'll like, die of AIDS."  Considering that the only people who like Paris Hilton anymore this will make things at the clubs quite awkward.  "Hey Sparkle, can you rub your hands with this sanitizer and then pour me a drink? And then rub your hands with this sanitizer again and lead me to the bathroom. Thanks hon. Don't you go dying on me now!"  Paris' publicist tried to spin what she said: "Paris Hilton's comments were to express that it is dangerous for anyone to have unprotected sex that could lead to a life threatening disease. The conversation became heated, after a close gay friend told her in a cab ride, a story about a gay man who has AIDS and is knowingly having unprotected sex. He also discussed a website that encourages random sex by gay men with strangers. As she was being shown the website her comments were in reference to those people promoting themselves on the site. The cab driver who recorded this, only provided a portion of the conversation. It was not her intent to make any derogatory comments about all gays. Paris Hilton is a huge supporter of the gay community and would never purposefully make any negative statements about anyone's sexual orientation."  Okay, so gays aren't disgusting, just horny gays with AIDS are disgusting. This changes EVERYTHING!  Paris did issue an apology and explained pretty much everything the publicist said.  It's a good thing she apologized otherwise Chick-Fil-A would've made her their new spokesperson.  Oh that's too bad, Paris could've had an actual job.  Paris also tried to renew a new feud during Fashion Week.  Lindsay Lohan showed up at Lady Gaga's party and Paris Hilton flipped that she was there.  Paris wanted to leave but people at the party calmed her down and tried to get the two together for a photo but they refused.  You know Paris is desperate for attention when she takes on Lindsay Lohan.  Paris, do you know what Lindsay does to people she doesn't like?  The same thing she does to cocaine and Red Bull...she devours them.  If you fight her, Lindsay will be playing the role of Nazi Germany and you'll be 1939 France.  Speaking of chicken shit, it's ironic that you're named Paris because you're going to get your ass kicked unless you surrender immediately.

You know, Lindsay Lohan doesn't look that bad in these promo shots for the Elizabeth Taylor movie.  I wish she cleaned herself up and looked like this more often but that whole, "I don't drink anymore because I have a problem" thing was bullshit because Lindsay is back to her partying ways.  She got drunk at her mother Dina's 50th birthday party.  And of course, Dina Lohan is in denial: "I'm certainly not making excuses for Lindsay's behavior. But she's a 26-year-old woman. Some people who want to quit drinking do it cold turkey and some do it gradually -- you want to keep a balance. I don't know what's a right way or a wrong way."  Oh yeah, Dina and Lindsay getting sloppy drunk together at a bar isn't something that needs to be reported because it's an every day occurrence.  However the two of them going down on a cab driver so they don't have to pay the cab fare because they don't have any money tickles my funny bone because it has probably happened.  Well Lindsay should give more cranky yankies to cab drivers because she was arrested for leaving the scene of an accident in Manhattan after allegedly clipping a pedestrian.  Lindsay clipped the guy and then went to a hotel and when she came out an hour later she was arrested by police.  Lindsay claims that she had no clue that she hit anyone and she claims it's fishy because the man had no visible injuries.  Oh, of course. It was a setup. That's what happened. The NYPD secretly gave her car artificial intelligence while Lindsay was sleeping, so it could hit pedestrians without her knowledge. It should be obvious to everyone that members of the Nickelodeon Brotherhood have infiltrated the highest levels of the New York government. What is Obama doing about this?  What will Romney do about this when he wins? 

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!  I was going to post Lindsay's rap sheet and how she got off easy for all her charges but this post is long enough as is.  Amanda Bynes got a DUI, been charged with two-hit-runs, and had her car impounded for driving on a suspended license. Compared to Lindsay, she should be elected Mayor and given a copy of everybody's car keys.Former Nickelodeon star Danny Tamberelli spoke out about Lohan's tweets: "Given her own history with the law, it’s absurd that [Lindsay] would be so quick to judge another young woman under this kind of public scrutiny.  Nickelodeon was nothing short of amazing to work for and they had their watchful eye on us all. They took care of us and tried not to let us go down the wrong path."  Even though Danny no longer has contact with Bynes he wishes her the best and hopes she can find the help she needs.  See, Amanda, you don't need to go to Obama, go to your former co-stars.  It's sort of sad that my Facebook friend, Danny Tamberelli, is the voice of reason here.

Apparently Amanda Bynes thought that having your driver's license suspended meant you can still drive around.  She was pulled over when police ran her license and found that it was suspended.  She was issued a ticket and had her car impounded.  The police noticed her because of her behavior but they wouldn't specify.  She was driving aimlessly back and forth through the valet area of the Burbank airport and then she left the airport.  People think that she uses her car to smoke weed while she drives and this explains why she's turned it into a bumper car.  Well Amanda may not be on drugs but may just be crazy.  People at her gym have numerous stories of her erratic behavior.  One person said they witnessed Amanda making compliments about herself and answering questions she asked herself.  Other people say that while Amanda works on the elliptical machine she begins laughing hysterically for no reason throughout her workout.  Another person has witnessed Amanda having conversations with inanimate objects.  Another incident occurred later this week.  Amanda attended a 50 minute spinning class.  After a few minutes of spinning, Amanda got off her bike, walked around the room aimlessly and switched bikes.  Before she started cycling again, Amanda took off her shirt to reveal that she was wearing just a black strapless bra that wasn't a sports bra.  After 25 minutes, Amanda got off her new bike and pulled out her Louis Vuitton bag and began to reapply her make-up.  After ten minutes of the make-up work, the instructor yelled at her to get out.  In Amanda's defense, she wouldn't have started applying her makeup during class if that bitch instructor didn't keep shapeshifting into Lori Beth Denberg.  In an interview with People, Amanda said this: "I'm doing amazing. I am retired as an actor. I am moving to New York to launch my career. I am going to do a fashion line. I am not talking about being arrested for DUI because I don't drink, and I don't drink and drive. It is all false."  I'm guessing "amazing" is the name for a new drug that is weed cut with bath salts, LSD, and crystal meth.  Later in the week, Amanda was caught attempting shoplifting.  I guess she isn't your average run of the mill fuck up.  She was shopping at a boutique in Hollywood called Kin.  Amanda took some clothes inside a changing room and locked herself inside for nearly two hours.  The clerks then heard a banging sound coming from the dressing room every ten minutes or so and when they'd ask if Amanda needed assistance she'd yell, "I need more time."  Amanda finally came out and bought a pair of stilettos, sunglasses, and a few other items.  As she was leaving, Amanda noticed she was wearing a bikini top that she had not purchased.   She then paid for the top.  Who tries to steal a $40 bikini?  Clearly she's insane.  At least when Lindsay Lohan goes shoplifting, she steals things she can leave to her grandchildren in 40 years. "Gather 'round children so grandma can tell you a story about how I got 24k gold coke mirror out of a party by stashing up my cooch."  And much like a Republican running for Senate in a swing state, Amanda Bynes' entire team has jumped ship leaving the actress/stunt car driver to fend for herself on Crazy Ocean.  In the past couple of weeks, her agent, publicist, and entertainment lawyers have dropped her as a client.  Sources say she was a dream client up until 12 months ago and that they haven't been able to get into contact with her for the past month.  All of them tried to help her but she remained silent and didn't answer or return any calls or make any visits.  When the person you're associated with or the person you work for starts saying and doing insane things on camera then defends those insane things and thinks they don't have a problem, it might be time to cut all ties with that person for the sake of your own career.  Amanda is on a downward spiral of crazy and will soon be putting dead birds in people's mailboxes so they can go to Heaven or whatever batshit crazy people do.  But seriously, is anyone else scared?  OK we need to get Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Amanda Bynes to fight at the next Wrestlemania and only one of them can leave the ring alive.

Have a great weekend

I figure I just do these posts together so everyone is happy or whatever.  I made more wine tonight.  I'm manic.  I've got it down to an art form.  I think this batch took me about 15 minutes to make.  I hope it tastes better.  I already have the name picked out for my products.  It's a play on my name.  I think I'm dying or I just have really bad arthritis.  I watched part of Groundhog Day on AMC with the Story Mode thing.  My cousin was an extra in the movie because it was filmed a few blocks from where she lived at the time.  Anyway, for those of you who like the links, they're first and for the rest of you the tattoos are at the bottom.

5.  If you know me and I think a few of you do, you may know I enjoy the comics.  I know a couple of you appreciated the comic book post I did a while back.  Anyway here are some comic book superhero storylines that are left out of the movies.  You know, I wonder what the reaction would be if they did the Spiderman story.

11.  Have you ever found yourself talking to a cowboy and had no clue what they were saying?  Well here's a handy cowboy dictionary, partners.

8.  This site is interesting.  It's called Make Love Not Porn and it's trying to discuss the misconceptions that people have about sex due to watching porn.  Hmmm that reminds me of a post I once did that maybe I should dig up.

12.  Some of you may think all Tumblr is is people sharing photos of cats, Obama, and porn.  Well it's not.  There is also some good historical content.  This is one of my favorite sites called the LBJ Time Machine.  It features a lot of things from his presidency.

1.  Here's another history site on Tumblr called Our Presidents and usually features content related to the particular day in history.

3.  A while back I shared a site where you could upload your photo to make an old timey mugshot.  Well someone on Tumblr took that site and used it to make a lot of celebrity mugshots in the style of 1920s mugshots.  The site is called Mugshot Doppelganger.  The first one is so creepy.

4.  A while back I shared a link about a business in a town in Minnesota that let you drive around in a military tank and fire a machine gun.  Well I've found another business in Minnesota that allows you to fulfill a military dream.  It recreates Operation Geronimo, the Navy SEAL mission that took out Bin Laden.  For $325 a person you can find out what it would've been like to kill Osama.

6.  A while back a famous director, Tony Scott, killed himself.  It was a pretty shocking suicide.  Hollywood has been filled with quite a few shocking suicides.  Here's a list of 12.

2.  I heard about this restaurant called Conflict Kitchen.  It has somewhat of an interesting theme.  They serve the food of the people the United States is currently in conflict.   With all these political ads demonizing the Chinese, I wonder how much longer it will be before they start serving egg rolls.

10.  The N.Y. Times put a game on their website to simulate how well people can multitask behind the wheel.  It's pretty difficult.  I can no longer make phone calls while driving.  I have to pull off the road and put my car in park to place a call.  Maybe I'm getting older.  Anyway...try Gauging Your Distraction.

9.  I found this fun list on MSN featuring the best TV spin-offs.

7.  I love this list from Mental Floss of regional words that should be used all over America.  That list is a whoopensocker.  I'm thinking of having wapatuli at my wine unveiling party.

This may be the creepiest tattoo but I think it would've been better on a woman's stomach.

He is the monster that hides underneath your bed at night either that or he REALLY LOVES energy drinks.

If you say so.  I guess the Grand Canyon is a natural beauty so yeah.

Well thank you for the application, we aren't currently hiring, but we'll keep it on file and call you if anything opens up.

I wonder if that tattoo raised his cholesterol.

I think I need to perform an exorcism or at least try to appease that demon.

This is a librarian who combined her love of reading, the Dewey Decimal system, and Harry Potter all in one tattoo.  That is the Dewey Decimal number for the Harry Potter books. 

That is a Dewey Decimal tattoo and the number is the Dewey Decimal number for books on operating libraries for children.

These librarians are going wild with their reading tattoos.

I don't want to read if it means having needles stuck in me.

This may be the best Dimebag Darrell tattoo I've ever seen but then it may be the first Dimebag Darrell tattoo I've ever seen.  Still it's an amazing portrait. 

I wonder if Captain America doesn't care about a certain percentage of Americans.  I bet he doesn't because Captain America loves all Americans.

Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a leg tattoo can do...yeah it wasn't a good attempt sort of like this.  I thought I was looking at an inkblot test.

Wait, anchors make you sink so I don't think you can refuse it.

This tattoo is full of win...Winsconsin.  We drink a lot here.  There was a guy in my town that got busted for his 12th DWI.

Have a great night!

There’s a huge difference between racism and dinosaurs which is probably why they never get confused for each other…not even on Xanga.

I was in Dunkin Donuts and ordered a cream filled donut.  The cashier handed it to me and I said, “This donut is going to go straight to my thighs.”  I then took it and smashed it against my side and the cream filling went everywhere. Oh yeah, it’s called a “donut” not a “doughnut” so why don’t you take your fancy-pants middle school education somewhere else because the people here at Dunkin Donuts don’t want your high falluting attitude regarding spelling.

I sort of get the feeling that Tim Burton would remake one of his own movies.

I would never cheat in a relationship because that would mean two people would have to find me attractive.

Rihanna got an underboob tattoo in honor of her grandmother.  It’s just like the one I got to commemorate the cancellation of ALF, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, and Cop Rock.

I think coming out as Republican is one of the hardest things people face these days.

So she lied about her sexuality and voting for Romney?  I don’t think this Nicki Miraj can be trusted.

Sometimes I wonder if Maury is really the father.

I yell “No Homo” quite a bit ever since I bought a dog and named him “Homo”.  I frequently yell “No Homo!  You pissed on me!”

Whenever Eminem raps it sounds like when my mom or dad talks to a telemarketer calling from India.

I think I should stop making forever alone jokes because I figure the more I make the more likely it is that I’ll die alone with my cats and Nutella.  And as much as I worry about dying alone, I’m not going to marry out of fear for being alone.  That’s sort of like amputating your arm because you’re fearful of future mosquito bites.

I bet Obama and Romney are happy that the new iPhone doesn’t have the rumored Bullshit Detector app.

I am working with a pharmaceutical company to help with all the rise of arthritis cases in China.  We’re working on a new children’s chewable arthritis pill.

I’ve heard a rumor that guys still wear earrings

They often say that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw rocks.  Well people who live in glass houses shouldn’t do a lot of things like walk around naked or live in glass houses because I bet it gets really hot in a glass house.

I was watching the American Bible Challenge and they had Jeff Foxworthy as the host.  That made a Lot of sense. HAHAHAHA…LOT is a person’s name not an indicator of an amount!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!

I often tell children that the proper way to do math is to write out the problems and then cry because you don’t understand it and make sure to show your work.

I’m pretty sure gay marriage will take a long time to be accepted because there are people still against biracial marriage and to prove it they won’t even eat Ding Dongs or drink chocolate milk.

My life jacket is so huge, I literally swim in it.

I’m watching ESPN’s college football coverage and they hav eLou Holtz giving some pep talk to some team he doesn’t coach.  I feel bad for him because he’s elderly and the ESPN producers probably convinced him that he’s coaching again.  I’m surprised ESPN hasn’t come up with an app that translates what Holtz says.  He sounds like what I’d imagine a talking dog with peanut butter stuck on the roof of its mouth sounds like.  Holtz sounds like a drunk dishwasher.

If they make a movie about Twitter it has to have 140characters or less.

I was so confused about all this protesting over Muhammad.  Sure, Will Smith’s portrayal of Ali wasn’t the best but it was nowhere near as bad as his character in Wild Wild West.  And if you’re talking about Hitch then you better hand me something to riot with.

There are two type of people in the world, those who will quote Monty Python with me in the break room and those people who have active sex lives.

Pick-up line destined to fail: Girl, if your pants were a.rar file I would unzip them.

Do people commonly use lawn flamingos as beer bongs or are Wisconsinites just that hardcore?

I’ve been on the internet for quite a while and I see the term “gpoy” thrown around quite a bit.  I have no clue what this stands for and the only thing that comes to mind doesn’t make sense.  Why would a girl post a photo of herself and then write “gpoy” which obviously stands for “girls pee on you”?  Oh wait a second.

When someone dumps you these days you should do what any respectable person would do and post their name and phone number on 4Chan.

Only three things in life are certain: death, taxes, and a local news anchor will pronounce Hispanic names with a fake accent.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

This week Mitt Romney was shocked to learn that people don’t use real money when playing Monopoly. When told by John Kerry, Romney’s monocle fell out into his goblet of wine.

I’m pretty sure my life is becoming an unfunny version of Groundhog’s Day.

It scares me that if you Google “Where am I”, Google will tell you your location.  It also scares me that people would have to ask Google where they are located.

Have you ever been in a group of people that had known each other for such a long time that when you let out a silent fart they knew it was you because they knew each other so well that they knew the scent of each other’s farts?

I thought it was pretty cool that I found a newspaper that my dad had kept from the day I was born but my joy was short lived because he told me he has just been stuck on the crossword puzzle for all these years.

Have you ever went to McDonald’s or Chik-Fil-A and used their free wifi to download shemale porn? They aren’t loving it and they will throw Bibles at you.

It seems like every woman considers her husband to be a moron.  It’s true.  Married men are stupid.  Smart men remain single.

I don’t know how many college girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I’m pretty sure they’d post photos of them changing the bulb on Facebook.

They often say that you can tell how good a person will be in bed after ten seconds.  It’s just a shame that all the girls I’ll be with will never get to truly know how good I am at sex because I’m done before 10 seconds is up.

I’ve found that the best way to get high for free is to tell pot smokers that you’ve never tried pot before.

Has there ever been a sane person that has been impressed by the amount of bass coming from a car?

I’ve found a cool alternative to making my own pizza.  I buy one that’s already made.

I hear people talking about having a bad hair day.  Does that include armpits, legs, and pubes?  Or is it just the head?  Oh it’s just the head.  Not so bad, is it?

Every time I see someone with keys on a lanyard around their neck or keys on a belt loop I automatically assume they’re a janitor and I ask them to clean up a mess.

I got a friend a pretty cool birthday present.  I got an empty refrigerator box and wrapped it with paper.  When he opened it and there was nothing inside I screamed, “Oh shit! The ninja got out!”

I was sort of shocked Hollywood made the Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter movie and they rejected my script titled James K. Polk: Karate Champion.

I wonder how much weight I would lose if Xanga was considered exercise.

I just did a profile on eHarmony and my results came back:“No matches found.  Go back to Xanga and masturbating.”

If Xanga didn’t exist, what would you be doing right now?  I bet it would be masturbating.

“I can’t wait until I become famous and make millions of dollars because of my Xanga.” -Morons

What did annoyingly opinionated people do before they were allowed to reply to posts, pulses, and comments on Xanga?

Hey, want to hear a good Xanga joke?  Too bad, some people would be sure to take it serious and get offended and rate my site EX.

Today is national kiss day. You can kiss my ass by recommending this post.

Class, the time has come when once again we start doing homework assignments.  Last school year you did exceptionally well so I am expecting the same outstanding work this year. 

With that being said, here's your first assignment this year.

A. 
   

B.
 

C. 
  

OK, class, here are the rules.  Answer two of the above questions but make sure you answer them clearly and concisely and for A and B make sure you include why you made those selections.

Good luck, now get to work.

My Answers:
A.  I'd have to go with FDR or James K. Polk.  I think this country needs someone like FDR to get us out of the current state we're in but then some might chime in that he was a socialist who used war to his advantage.  Polk was awesome because he made campaign promises and kept them and because he did them all in his first term he didn't seek re-election.

B.  This one is somewhat difficult because there are so many I could pick.

1.  The Simpsons.  I honestly haven't watched many episodes from the past 10 seasons so that would be like watching brand new episodes plus the old ones are classic.  "we're talking softball..."
2.  Star Trek.  I've never seen a complete episode of the original series and probably have only seen a handful of the Next Generation and Deep Space Nine.  I think it's high time I get into something like that.
3.  South Park.  The show is so topical that when I'd see an episode I could have flashbacks to the actual events that inspired it.
4.  The Shield.  Quite possibly the best police drama to ever air on TV.
5.  Toss up between Friday Night Lights, Wonder Showzen, My Name is Earl, King of the Hill or Seinfeld.

C.  Youth, Freedom, Intelligence

Well I figure it's time for one of these posts.  I have nothing much to say other than I'm doing the wine making in a day or two.  I have to get some glass jars because the last time I made wine I used plastic containers and it was awful.

What you don't know is "Justice" is the name of her vibrator.

Wolverine states the obvious.

Maybe he should consider lapband or vertical stripes.

His only weakness is a concussion.

The Hairy Beast...nice to see they are making comics about me.

Is it me or does it look like Mr. T dropped a deuce and they look like diamonds?

Great, Rudy Guilliani is now drawing comics.

I wish a broad would blow hard on me.  I said hard on.  HAHAHAHAHA!  This looks rather queer.  Or is it gay?  I am confused.

Nothing confusing about this one...Wow these comics keep getting more and more sexually charged!!!

HAHAHAHA Batman's not only doing his best to sound gay but he really looks it holding his boy ward in his arms.  Ah Batman you creep.

I think Robin was jealous that the Joker gave Batman his greatest boner.

This is probably one of the most famous or maybe infamous cells from any Batman comic.

Enough with the boners.  How do you force a guy into a boner?  In my case they are pretty cooperative unless it comes to public speaking.

I DON'T want to know.

Uhhhhh what is Batman going to do about those dirty horrible needs?  Robin better lock his bedroom door.

It looks like Robin is going to have to ice down his gadget.

You know maybe I am perverted but a lot can be said about the gay factor in Batman comics.

It's really difficult not to take things out of context.

So Batman likes water sports as well.

This is what really happens in the Bat Cave.

Have a good night or other time period depending on when you read this.

Is it possible to even satisfy a movie critic?  Nothing is good enough for them.  I’d hate being married to one of those critics.  “You’re love making was shallow and pedantic.”  I don’t even know what that means.

“Don’t Stop Believing” was a great song but then it was covered on Glee.

The word “phonetically” doesn’t even begin with an “f”.  This is why alien life forms don’t bother with us.

I called a girl a redhead and she got offended by that.  I guess I should’ve handled the situation more gingerly.

I’m thinking at this point a woman could seduce me with a slice of pizza and a crumpled up five dollar bill.

Ann Romney is out on the campaign trail and each stop she wows the crowd by showing how many push-ups her chauffeur can do.

I applaud internet users because let’s face it, the internet is a dangerous place.  My mom almost died using the internet.

I love how Julian Castro is on the verge of tears in his speech and then they do a splitscreen with his daughter in the other box and she’s playing with her hair and biting her lips.  Once again proving kids don’t give a rat’s ass about politics.  Just like so many voting aged Americans.  He strikes me as the type of guy that cries uncontrollably when the shower doesn’t warm up fast enough or he colors outside the lines.  Did anyone else find it ironic that two new feminist icons spoke before Bill Clinton at the DNC?  I do love the fact that when Fleetwood Mac plays at a political event you can expect Clinton to appear but I still think he should use Shawn Michaels’ WWF entrance music and you thought I was only going to use the comparison to wrestling in my last convention liveblog.  They showed Chelsea. Damn, it’s hard not to be sexist when she’s so fucking hot.  I used to have dreams of being the boyfriend and being called the first boyfriend and after banging Chelsea they’d ask me if we should bomb countries like France or China.  Clinton has lost a lot of weight.  I sort of miss the Clinton that Phil Hartman played but not as much as I miss Phil Hartman.  When Clinton said, “I’m going to nominate a president and I have one in mind…”  I thought he had three in mind and two of them were named “Clinton”.  I thought I was going to be smartassed with this but I love Bill Clinton.  He has away of talking that makes you feel important and that he’s speaking directly to you.  It’s like he’s family.  He’s so natural and I want a repeal of the 22^ndAmendment.  When Bill Clinton said that line about Obama having the good sense to marry Michelle, he revealed his hand and like many men in America said they want to bang the first lady.  I think Clinton lied when he said he didn’t hate the people on the right.  I bet he hated the shit out of those peoplewho targeted him because he got his willy slicked.  When Clinton started talking about Hillary I was thinking he’d nominate her for a second.  Why didn’t the RNC have either of the Bushes speak?  I look at the crowd and see all the delegates with their stupid hats nodding along and have no cluea s to the impact of what is being said especially when Bill gave props to W.Bush.  They remind me of dullards who listen to music and only hear the beat without realizing there’s lyrics.  I’ve always wondered how Germans could blindly follow Hitler and after hearing Clintons peak, I sort of get how that happened.  I think he’s the only person I could blindly follow.  I’m wondering if he’s actually using a teleprompter or just freestyling it and then he says, “That takes a lot of brass”.  It almost sounded like he stopped himself from saying “balls”.  The crowd is chanting “Four more years, four more years”.  Yeah, but for who, Clinton or Obama?  The 22^nd Amendment was put in place because FDR had such lengthy terms and was so bad for our country.  Repeal it so we can bring back Bill who basically only served a term and a half. It was sort of cool to see John Kerry take time off from being on the$20 to speak at the DNC.  Everyone gives Mitt Romney shit for being rich but conveniently forget that John Kerry makes Mitt Romney look like he’s barely making ends meet.  So help me if John Kerry says he’s “reporting for duty” like he did at the 2004DNC I will vote for Mitt Romney. Remember John Edwards?  That guy turned out to be a bright shining star of the Democrat Party.  Kerry gave a weird speech but not Clint Eastwood weird.  It’s like he showed up in the middle of the speech.  Kerry hasit backwards, your human form isn’t supposed to look like a sculpture on Mount Rushmore and by that I’m saying he’s a fucking rock-headed bore.  He brings up bin Laden,if I was Obama I’d show up to every campaign stop with a photo of bin Laden’s carcass.  Kerry said that the Romney/Ryan ticket has the least foreign policy experience in decades or at least since that goofy Kerry/Edwards ticket.  John Kerry accused Mitt Romney of being a flip-flopper.  Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle “John Kerry”?  Jesus Christ I can’t believe I voted for this guy.  He spoke for 13 minutes without saying a thing.  This has won the biggest waste of my life award.  I bet Joe Biden got in a fight with the person running the music because he wanted them to play “Hey Joe” by Jimi Hendrix. I bet he also wanted to come out in aviator sunglasses and a Marlboro windbreaker.  You can disagree all you want about the politics and his gaffes but Biden is a legitimately likable guy.  He immediately mentions his wife.  Yep, he knows where his bread is buttered.  Biden has qualities of Clinton in his folksy delivery.  He said he asked his wife to marry him five times.  How can you say no to Joe?  Oh shit, I think I just came up with a potential 2016 campaign slogan.  Biden has to be one of the better vice presidents in our history, maybe #2 right behind Al Gore.  Speaking of Al Gore,where the hell is he?  It’s like Gore,Jimmy Carter, and John Edwards have had their Democrat privileges revoked.  Maybe Al is just too busy getting massages,running his network, or making PowerPoint shows.  Biden asked if Jennifer Granholm was great.  No, she came off as a lunatic and I should throw another shout-out to Al Gore, she’s got a show on his TV network.  I have to give props to Biden for hushing the crowd when they booed Mitt Romney and saying, “He’s not a bad guy.”  Michelle Obama introduces the president as the love of her life and the father of her two children.  If I was a writer for WWF I’d bring out Joe Lieberman instead of the president.  That would create instant heat and then Obama could come out and give Lieberman a tombstone piledriver called the Economic Plunge.  Holy shit, Malia Obama is almost as tall as her parents.  Are they feeding her steroids?  I’m thinking Obama is dying his hair with Just for Men to touch up all the grey hair.  Obama should’ve come out to “Big Pimpin’” by Jay-Z instead of that song by U2 although it’s fitting since O’Bama is Irish.  After watching Bill Clinton and Joe Biden,the president’s speech is nowhere near as good. I still can’t believe that the president has to talk about people who think that climate change is a hoax. People are retarded and I’m not being politically incorrect.  There are a great deal of people that need to wear helmets with flashlights on top that need to be bullied incessantly.  Don’t like, block me and do not ever return to my site.  Even as a Christian I see the earth changing because mankind has to be stewards of this earth that was a gift from good and with all out pollution we are abusing that gift.  Sure it may not be as bad as what people are forecasting but Christians have to admit that the earth has changed and by allowing all this pollution to continue is sinful and not keeping in line with God’s commands of being good stewards with the gifts he’s given us.  Don’t like that I’m religions, block me and never return to my site.  I know Obama has respect for Clint Eastwood but it would be funny for him to set up a chair and then kick it over and say, “What’s up now, Million Dollar Baby?”  “Times have changed and so have I.  I’m no longer just a candidate.  I’m the President.”  If ever a phrase in a speech needed the term“motherfucker” at the end it was right there. How many white folks across the country would’ve shit their pants if he said that?  “I’ve never been more hopeful about America…I’m hopeful because of you.”  He really doesn’t get out that often to meet average Americans, does he?

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

Have you ever thought about the future and the future of long distance relationships?  It’ll be like, “Oh man, I met this cool girl on the internet but she’s from Neptune.”

Are you imaging dildos being thrown at your head?  Well you are now.

It would be nice if a stray dog running into my yard to hump my leg while picking apples wasn’t the only action I get.

If porn stars have blogs and then write risqué things and post pornographic photos, do they label their posts NSFW or would they be actually SFW?

I don’t think vegans are allowed to masturbate because that would be beating and enjoying the meat.

I really would like a milkshake but I don’t think I could handle my backyard being filled with girls this late at night.

CNN had an article titled, “MTV Explains Why It Canceled Jersey Shore”.  I could give you the answer without reading the article; the monthly Valtrex bill was too damn high.

I was watching the American Bible Challenge.  I got thinking.  Can anyone be on this show or just Christians?  I’d sort of like to see a group of Christians battling it out over Bible trivia with a group of atheists and a group of Muslims.

I don’t think that people who claim to be bisexual just to get attention realize they are trivializing an identity.  Nicki Minaj must be stopped.

I’ve heard people claim they don’t see race, gender, height,or weight when they look at people.  So what do they see, featureless grey blobs?

On the first day of school I made kids memorize the “born in shadows” speech Bane made in The Dark Knight Rises just in case the power ever went off in school so then they wouldn’t be afraid.

I think the reason there are so many undecided voters is because they are waiting for Romney and Obama to unveil their awesome sword collections.

I don’t know why but Mitt Romney always looks like the president that needs to be rescued in an action movie.

I bought a box of Kashi Go Lean cereal the other week and I just finished it and the prize at the bottom of the box was a pair of cut-off hemp shorts.

If opinions are like assholes and everyone has an asshole then a lot of opinions are wearing Ed Hardy.

I think I will vote for whichever candidate outlaws smartphones or makes iPhone users change their ringtone.

It’s so weird that our country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jeans fad.

I’ve been thinking that if I get married will I invite all my Xanga friends to the wedding.  Then if I did I wonder if they will be there on their laptops or smartphones blogging about the whole thing and stirring up drama along the way.  “There’s no way the godfather should be wearing white.”

#caturday  after the Badgers lost I drowned my sorrows not in alcohol but in Chinese food.  It was a rather interesting experience.  I had all the wait staff speaking in Chinese then at one table near me there were four old people.  One of them had a distinct British accent, one had a German accent, one had a Southern accent and the other spoke Wisconics.  Then another table had people who were speaking Spanish.  Then another table had three guys that had to all be over 7 feet tall.  And then as I was leaving a family speaking Arabic sat down.  Who knew a little rural area could be so diverse?  I came home and watched Role Models and Something Something Dark Side.  And now it's time for cat pics.

I hope everybody is having a great weekend.