Maybe it was Las Cruces.

I've been trying to save Xanga to no avail. I didn't win at the casino, no one would pay me for sex, and SNL didn't hire me.

I figure there are a lot of weird fetishes out there so there has to be one where a girl likes a fat, sarcastic asshole with a blog.

I keep seeing all these previews for The Lone Ranger.  They may as well call it “Tonto and the Lonely Ranger”.  I wonder if Johnny Depp sold his soul to the Devil and then Disney bought out the Devil.

Marijuana is legal on every planet but Earth.  Thanks a lot, Obama!  Do you think the Earth ever teases other planets for having “no life”?  Did you know “President Obama” is an anagram of “A Diaper Entombs”?  Oh and they say “every cloud has a silver lining”.  Why aren’t we mining and harvesting clouds in this economy, Obama?

Why are there never creepy guys in windowless vans around when I want some candy?

It’s the strangest damn thing but when I was 7 a bear wearing a forest ranger uniform told me that only I could prevent forest fires.  I have no clue why he picked me over all the other people in the world but he did so I am doing my damnedest not to start any forest fires.

I think the only reason girls love my small penis is because it makes their butts look big.  Girls want to have big butts, right?

I like steak so much that it makes my heart skip a beat.  Actually it makes it skip two beats.  Maybe I should call that ambulance.

I love Law & Order so much.  I think I’ve seen every episode.  My favorite is the one where Law asks Order to marry him and then they make out.

Why is it that people are totally OK with shooting animals into space for exploration but can’t handle two dudes holding hands?

For my next birthday, I’m having an ice cream social and you’re all invited.  I know this isn’t a joke but I just wanted to see if you’re paying attention.  A quiz will be had later on in the year and I imagine a lot of you will say, “But I didn’t get invited”.  But you did!

So if I read 50 Shades of Grey will it improve my non-existent sex life like what everyone says it does?  Will I have to go out and buy an extra bottle of Udderly Smooth?  It’s sort of funny that they are still making a movie adaptation of that book even though it’s been irrelevant for a year and there is very little content they could show in a theater.  OK so I did read the books because I was going through this BDSM phase but then I got sad because the book depicted it so poorly.

I sort of wish life had a fast forward button so I could go to the point in life when I’m rich and famous and everyone is kissing my ass but knowing my track record with fast forwarding I would probably go too far and wind up at the point where I’m dead.

Farmers who love farming more than women tend to go by the motto, “Hoes before hoes.”

I hate when skinny people say they eat whatever they want.  Usually they don’t want to eat a tube of cookie dough like I do.

I started a taxi service and I’m going to call it Cash Cab.  When people get in, bells,whistles, and lights will go off and then I’ll turn around and say, “Hi,welcome to Cash Cab, the game where you give me money and I take you places.”

Everything I needed to know about whether or not police officers are allowed to search in my car, I learned from a Jay-Z song.

From all the errors in my posts, you’d think English was my second language.  Sadly, it’s not, it’s my first and I can’t even speak it good. Even worse, I’m licensed to teach middle school English.

I have always wondered about the term “bread winner of the family”.  I wonder what sort of freaky,back-alley games a person plays where the prize is bread.

I’ve spent some time listening to Gorillaz lately and I’m not entirely convinced they are using actual words in their songs.

Why is it that it only takes one relationship to end badly and it turns you into a jaded person? Why is it that the death of your fiancé turns you into a sulking, bitter blogger who thinks that love is unattainable?

I don’t think stores understand the psychological damage they inflict upon the populace when they start advertising “Back to School”sales in July.

I am tasteless and so is water and we all need water so I guess you all need me.  But if you like water then you like 70% of me.

I was making out with this girl and I told her to whisper something sexy in my ear so she said, “Go Packers.”  Needless to say I needed a change of undergarments.

History tells us a great deal of stories and that is why you should always clear your computer’s history.

The only thing worse than getting the “short end of the stick” is hearing a girl say that while giving you a handjob.

Do girls like it when you cook for them?

“May contain nudity”???? Either there’s nudity or there isn’t.  Stop wasting my time.

I don’t like going to strip clubs anymore because if I want to see a bleached asshole I can do it a lot cheaper by staying at home and watching “Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives”.

The worst part about having my hand get caught in a Pringles can is when I can’t get it out because my other hand is stuck in a Pringles can.

I hold the world record for having the sex the most amount of times for a guy who knows all the lyrics to Linger by The Cranberries.

I have to come clean which is why I masturbate in the shower.

Sometimes I wish I had dogs…puppies to be more exact.  I’d like a herd of puppies so they could fan me with their wagging tails and wash me with their puppy licks and then transport me around town like crowd surfing.

This week was supposedly something called Canada Day.  I refuse to recognize this day unless Canada takes Justin Bieber back and locks him up for good.

I wish a girl could get as excited to see me as I do when I find a curly fry or onion ring in my regular fries.

I knew this girl who claimed she was only attracted to black guys and she thought black guys liked her because she referred to them as the N-word.  She’s now married to a white guy.

I’m so poor that I can’t afford bags under my eyes so I have to use actual brown grocery bags.

You know how some people lose their virginity.  Lately I’ve felt like I’ve been gaining it.  So alone.

And now for your weekly does of motivation:

Ladies, you say that size matters so get this, my intestines can stretch out to be over twenty feet long.

My large toenail fell off in the shower today.  According to Web MD, I’m going to die from Legionnaire’s Disease.

Who doesn’t love rhetorical questions?

I always found it funny that my parents never let me touch a stove when I was a kid but they let me play with fireworks.

I think they need to rewrite the Patriot Act to protect us from the Patriots.  That Aaron Hernandez guy scares me and I’m pretty sure he wants to kill me because I know all the lyrics to “Da Da Da” by Trio.  Speaking of Aaron Hernandez, I wonder if he’s ever seen The Longest Yard.  If not, he better familiarize himself with it quickly.

I went to the hippy grocery store/food co-op the other day and bought some organic deodorant.  I now smell like Jerry Garcia’s beard after he ate at Taco Bell.

When I discovered Frosted Flakes I realized I had wasted so much time painting my Corn Flakes with a sugary paste.

I heard George Lucas finally married his longtime girlfriend.  I bet it took him a longtime to marry her because he was worried she was really his sister.

I was recently at a Walmart and went to the restroom.  I heard Bonnie Raitt’s “Let’s Give them Something to Talk About” and thought I should so I hid all the toilet paper.

I recently bought an electric toothbrush.  It’s ok but I prefer the acoustic version much better.

The secret to a good relationship isn’t communication.  It’s resisting the urge to make pig noises when your significant other eats.

The person who invented Frisbee golf obviously had no friends.  If he did he would’ve settled for playing catch.

I finally figured out why girls put Kleenex in their bras.  It’s because they have sensitive breasts that cry all the time.  Girls should probably not allow their boobs to watch Nicholas Sparks movies.

I have three different fans set up in my room.  When I speak into them my voice sounds different in each one.  It’s like I’m having a conversation with 3 people.  I’m not alone at all.

Every day I miss you is a day I remember that I’m an idiot and I miss you every day.

I pulled out her chair because I’m a gentleman but I kept pulling when she tried to sit down because I’m an asshole.

You know you’ve watched too much porn when you spit on your house key before you put it in to unlock the door.

I have spittoons in my house so I can spit out Raisinettes after I’ve sucked all the chocolate off them.

Have you ever thought about the movie Home Alone?  It’s a comedy about two burglars trying to murder an abandoned 8 year old.  Man, the90s were a wild time.

I hate that whenever I teach about Aaron Burr, I always hear his name being said with a mouth full of peanut butter.

I heard this bad Fun and I don’t know what the lead singer looks like but I’m assuming he’s one of those shaky little lap dogs.

Lately all my spam emails have been about Viagra or those flexible water hoses.  I’m so confused as to what women want.

Hi girls!  Matt is an amazing man and wonderful cook.  He really has his head on his shoulders. Are there any girls interested in Ma MOM GET OFF MY XANGA YOU ARE RUINING EVERYTHING!

Xanga is like a woman because no matter what you do, you’re doing it wrong.

It seems like everyone is being interviewed on that radio thing…everyone except me.  I bet they’ll interview @AmericanAlien before they interview me.

A Xanga Public Service Announcement: Sarcasm doesn’t translate well on the internet because sarcasm doesn’t always translate into text.  Don’t use sarcasm in your posts because someone will always ALWAYS take it seriously.  Don’t act shocked if they do because it is inevitable.  The more you know.

Have you ever had sex dreams about a Xangan?  Well I have and instead of saying their real name during the act I said their screen name.

I’m starting a petition to change the definition of “asswipe” from “something you use to wipe your ass” to “someone who creates a Xanga account just to mess with someone and cause drama”.

Looking for love on Xanga will only lead to one thing, you being fucked, literally or figuratively. Anyone up for a Xanga meet-up?

Time machines would be great if they had an option where you could go back in time to prevent people from causing Xanga drama by slapping them in the face.

I think my work at Xanga is done.  I’ve tricked the lot of you into thinking that I’m relevant when I’m just a regular Joe Schmo who has a few successful posts.  Actually…I’m an ass but I love the lot of you.  I really enjoy those of you who have differing opinions yet keep your mouths shut and respect my opinions and don’t send hate or block me because I think differently and don’t fall in line.

Half the jokes didn’t make sense this week.  Can you spot which ones?  It may earn you a Xanga mini.

Whenever I don’t get a lot of comments or recs on one of these posts, I assume that Xanga hates me.

Does anyone know how fast that Fiber One…oh man, I got to cut this short.

I forgot to hold my "accompany the godfather to a family reunion so he doesn't get pestered about being single" contest

Guess who spent time on Amish farms today buying old milk cans, root beer extract, and bulk candy.

I've been bad Xangan lately but not bad enough to forget @WrappedinWishes2 and @Marica0701 birthdays, happy birthday, ladies.

How many days are left and how much money is needed? Either way I have wordpress and blogger now.

Does anyone have Hulu Plus? If so, how is it? Can you watch current just aired shows or just back catalogs like Netflix?

Breast Humping (aka titty fucking) is the best form of sex because it is the closest a guy will ever get to a girl’s heart.

Why would I wear pants when I could not wear pants?

No one has a crush on me because I’m too powerful to be crushed.

I’m pretty sure I would’ve been a very cool land baron.

When I was a kid, I wanted to grow up and be Batman.  Now that I’m an adult and since I just watched the entire modern series on Netflix, I want to be Dr. Who.

I love donuts because they aren’t self-centered.

Do you ever look at your old photos and think, “What happened to that shirt?”

If you got an email from me that only said “Hello”, I was hacked.  I really am shy and probably wouldn’t say anything if I saw you in real life.

So James Gandolfini died. Does anyone know the whereabouts of the Russian from that episode titled “Pine Barrens”?

Since its creation in 1921, the Baby Ruth candy bar has not been eaten by anyone without getting at least 20 tiny pieces of chocolate,nougat, peanuts, or caramel stuck on their shirt, pants, or teeth.  And this is why I eat candy in the nude.

I would never want a girl I’m dating to call me“Daddy”.  It would just make me go buy a pack of cigarettes and never come back.

I think I’d like to live in the 70s but without the social oppression or disco.  I just like the cars and wish cars would be powerful again and not the little weak-ass shit they have on the lots now.

I think the Constitution got it wrong.  They should rewrite it to make my unalienable rights to be life, liberty, and the pursuit of dope-ass swag.

I watched the movie Juno and there were parts that made me cringe.  I think the worst moment is when Jason Bateman’s character says that the mid 90s were the best time for rock n’ roll.  I think that’s when I started exploring bands from the 60s and 70s because I was fed up with the stuff they were playing and telling me it was cool.

I always get nasty looks when I clip my nails while waiting in the doctor’s office.  Come on, people,it’s flip-flop season and my toes can’t look gnarly.

A diet free of meat and animal products may be healthy but you also run the risk of becoming pretentious and bat-shit insane.

What did teenagers do before they had cellphones or cameras to take vain self-shot photos?  I used the instant cameras.  I imagine some before me used Polaroids.  If we keep going back I’m sure that we’ll find out that cave drawings were done by teenagers scratching pictures of themselves on to cave walls.

There are these middle schoolers that live down the block from me that think they are a badass gang because they go around their block drawing swastikas on the sidewalk with chalk. I’ll show them how badass I am by shaking my fist at them while I wash their swastikas away with my garden hose.

If you think long and hard about it you’ll realize that politicians make their money and fame by kissing ass so they are not better than prostitutes and prostitution is illegal so we should lock up politicians.

Contrary to popular belief, ending a sentence with the word “bitch” does not mean it is hilarious, bitch.

OK I was at Pornhub the other day and I noticed their video shave the Facebook “like” button.  Yes, Pornhub, I want to be the first out of my Facebook friends to like the video“Hot Young Slut Takes it Up the Ass and then in the Mouth”.

I’m surprised with all the things you can buy on Amazon that they haven’t started selling spouses or true love.

If you use old Taco Bell hot sauce packets to flavor your Ramen, it tastes just like poverty.

I sometimes think Satan hates Christmas because of all the letters he gets from dyslexic kids.

Sometimes I swear just like a 13 year old boy who has unlimited access to premium cable.

Things I’ve learned from Tumblr: when a girl says she’s ugly do not and I repeat DO NOT tell her that you think she’s beautiful.  Apparently telling someone they’re beautiful means you’re a nasty old pervert.

I’m pissed that Kanye West didn’t name his daughter Adam.  I still think they named her after the Rob Reiner movie North.

If the Kardashians father didn’t get O.J. Simpson off I’m sure one of the Kardashian girls would’ve gotten him off…repeatedly and on film.

Do you remember that scene in 8 Mile where Eminem disses himself so the other rapper has nothing to fast talk about?  Well that’s my style of writing.  I insult myself and my small penis so that none of your words can harm me.

I don’t like fake people. I haven’t ever since that clerk at the clothing store informed me that the mannequins would not reply to my asking them out on dates.

The only thing I know about pillow talk is when I ask my pillow why can’t I have a girl in here.

I understand and believe that Jesus paid for my sins but what sort of Jew would I be if I didn’t get my money’s worth?

I’m not judging you if I’m right.

I am craving chocolate so bad lately but at least it’s not as bad as craving her, that dirty whore.

Ten years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs.  Now we have no cash, hope, or jobs.  Please don’t let Kanye and North West die because then we won’t have a western hemisphere.

There should be some law that says you can’t complain about wanting bigger boobs or a bigger penis unless you can name one practical purpose that they would give you.

Every culture on earth is much more exciting than white culture.  All we have is putting mayonnaise on French fries and getting excited when we hear 80s music.

Why does every diet pop taste like poison?  Better question…why do I know what poison tastes like?

And now here's your weekly dose of motivation:

Does my carpet match my drapes?  Well I tore up the carpet to see if there was hardwood under it but there was just blood. So I guess that means yes.

As an optimist, I look at my life and see it as half-filled with regrets.

Pick-up line destined for failure: “Girl, I want you to butt dial my face.”

If you eat 30 minutes before you have sex does that mean you risk your sperm cramping up during their swim? If so then I’ve found a new birth control method.

The girl who made my sandwich at Subway today was totally out of my league and that was really depressing.

My grandfather’s last words to me were, “Don’t have sex; it will kill you.”  Guess which one of us is still alive.

I will abstain from sex for all eternity and so will my children and their children and their children’s children and their children’s children’s children.  If someone asks me for sex I will fight to keep my celibacy with water pistols and balloons.

I’m always upset when I see that vending machines don’t have bacon but it doesn’t keep me from checking.

Maury Povich would make a lot of money if he released a “How to Dance” DVD comprised of “you are not the father” victory dances.

I don’t believe Paula Deen ever used the N-word and by N-word I mean “nutrition”.

My favorite type of soup is soup de jour.  I could eat that stuff every day.

I ruined some of my clothes at a screening of World War Z.  I fell asleep and drooled all over them.  I guess I’ll be donating them to the Salivation Army.  Speaking of World War Z…putting on Gene Schallit wig and mustache…World War Z is an apt title because you’ll catch plenty of z’s while watching it.

I was at a special screening of The Lone Ranger and the best line in the movie was “This is my sidekick Tonto.  He’s definitely an Indian even though he looks white.  But, see, he has a feather and painted face.”

Is it alright to go to a Renaissance Fest and ask people when will the bubonic plague hit and wipe out all the riff raff?

Riverdance is the most beautiful thing I’ve never seen.  Well, second most if we include your nude body.

I sometimes wish I was Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer because then no one would invite me to play Facebook games.

When I first heard the term “flash mob”, I pictured a group of naked mobsters.

I’m playing my own version of Fear Factor tonight.  I just got a Big Mac from McDonald’s, a Seven Layer burrito from Taco Bell, and a pizza from Domino’s.  This is going to get scary.

With all the different flavors of potato chips on the market today, there is no point of buying actual food.

All I’m looking for in a potential wife/girlfriend is someone who will challenge me in a debate of which is better, gummi bears or gummi worms.

Breakfast isn’t the most important meal of the day.  It’s the emotional eating I do that keeps me from crying.

Am I anyone’s Xanga crush? Don’t recommend this post if I am your crush.

I think the secret to successful blogging is to post like you’re an alcoholic nymphomaniac homeless person addicted to Xanax but with a sweet side and stellar grammar.

I’m holding a Xanga meet-up at a local Walmart bathroom at3AM in the bathroom.  Just show up wearing a blindfold.

I think Xanga would be hell if Gilbert Gottfried read every single post you opened.

A Xanga user walks into a bar and someone approaches that user and asks if they can buy them a drink. The Xanga user then says, “*You’re and *to”.  Yeah that sounded better in my head.

I got thinking about dying and I’m sort of freaked out by what would happen on Xanga.  So help me if people who aren’t my friends now say anything about me after I’m dead I’m going to come back and haunt them.

I once got an email from a Xangan I won’t name that told me to quit making jokes here because jokes are disrespectful and they only wanted to see me make serious entries and discussions. And you know what I did?  I put my hands up to my mouth and made a long farting noise and said “How’s that for serious?”

I don’t get why people hold grudges on Xanga.  I can’t remember why I blocked 75% of my blocked list.  Maybe I should unblock them.  So many people have victim complexes on Xanga.  It’s pretty sad actually.  I mean there are actual victims out there and people complain that someone on Xanga disagreed with them.  Boo-hoo!  Xanga is Xanga and not fucking Fight Club.  Remember, at the end of the day, Xanga is just a website not your life.

If Edward Snowden wants to disappear he should probably start a Xanga account.

People are talking about anxiety over losing Xanga friends.  I can see that because I’m still having anxiety attacks over selecting my Myspace top friends.

The good news about Xanga closing on July 15^th will be that it’s also the day that Twinkies are back on store shelves.  I guess we’ll have some place to go for consolation.  Also, suck it people who bought all those Twinkies when it was announced that they were no longer being produced.

I’m convinced that these jokes are funny and if you don’t laugh it’s because of inferior vocabulary skills on your part or my part…mos tlikely my part.

Now that the NHL and NBA are over, I'm ready for football. Getting ready by playing "Jump Around" on my stereo.