Did I ever tell you the story of the time I got an orange seed stuck in my ear?

MRIs suck. Tornadoes suck. Walmart roofs suck. My body sucks. Game of Thrones is decent from what I read thus far.

I am so sick of the CIA and NSA and whoever else in the government reading all my posts and not reccing or giving me eprops.  I thought I lost my wallet but the NSA called me and told me that I left it in my other pants.

WARNING!  THIS POST CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE!  Football.  Wrestling. Biceps.  Flexing.  Muscles. Push-ups.  Weightlifting.  Flexing. Ripped.  Sit-ups.  BUT SERIOUSLY IT'S NSFW.

I now know I’m officially old.  I was plucking nose hair this morning and the hair I plucked was gray and white.

I don’t know why there isn’t a medical theme park.  It could be named Thoracic Park.

What would happen if a band started there song with the normal countdown “1…2…3…4” but instead of singing and playing they were too shy to begin so the drummer just kept counting to 300.

How rich would I be if I got paid to masturbate?

The amount of time I spend looking for the perfect porn and the amount of time I actually spend masturbating is a good example of my incredible inefficiency.

Have you ever noticed that windshield wipers basically have two settings?  One is “one swipe ever 50years” and the other is “metronome for a Skrillex album”.

Opinions are like orgasms. Mine are more important and I don’t care if you have one.

Polar bears are pretty terrifying and even worse they can swim.  Thanks a lot, Mother Nature.  While you’re at it, why don’t you give sharks some legs and chainsaws for fins.

I think at one point we have all thought about hijacking the Schwann’s truck…well at least those of us in the Midwest.

I have this idea where I want to roleplay with a girl when we have sex.  I’m going to pretend her name is Jessica.  I won’t request any kinky stuff or anything like that.  I just want her name to be Jessica.

If there are shoes called Toms, are there socks named Jerrys?

I don’t get stoned because marijuana is never strong enough to make me that way.  I just get slightly pebbled.

Have you ever eaten a pizza and had it burn the roof of your mouth or had the crust scrape the sides of your throat and then you wondered why everything beautiful in this world has to have a dark side?

I’m white but not “we should eat at Olive Garden” white.

One of the reasons why I hate Olive Garden is that they just seemingly lump together Italian words to make it sound like something you should eat.  “Try the new Cassonetto Stupro.  You’ll love it.”  Cassonetto Sturpo means “dumpster rape”.

I wish Dwayne Johnson came to my house for my birthday and when I opened the door he shouted, “Party Rock is in the house tonight”.  If he doesn’t do that he doesn’t know the untold fortunes he could be making.

I feel bad for any adult that is one a Disney Channel show.  It’s like they went through their entire career without getting any roles and had to settle for playing the bald dad or airhead mom.

I may not be your cup of tea but I’m definitely your sixth shot of tequila.

I’m surprised there hasn’t been a Disney movie about a pig that plays basketball and is called “Ball Hog”.

I’ve been using Google Earth to search which yards have milkshakes in them.

I’m not sure if I want a relationship right now.  I know I talk about wanting someone but I think what I want most is someone who’ll let me touch their boobs without it getting weird.

I love how when I watch Maury Povich that the majority of commercials are for loans and stay at home colleges.  It’s like they know the people watching are smart and want to get a degree in psychology and a payday advance to feed their crack habit.  Also, did you know Father’s Day is Maury’s favorite day of the year? I hear he’s doing a special this year where he’s going to test George Washington’s DNA to see if he really is the father of this country.

I once made the mistake of telling a Cirque de Soleil acrobat to go fuck himself.  There are just some things in life that can’t be unseen.

I’m sort of excited to go to the movie theater to see the new Superman movie.  I just can’t figure out which of my 5 Superman capes I should wear.

Do vegans get mad at animals for eating other animals and then preach to them about how much better they are because they’re vegan?

They should do sexual myths on Mythbusters like the correlation between shoe size and penis size and lip color and nipple color.

I’ve talked to people and a lot of times they say, “BRB shower time”.  I figure that means one of two things.  The first is “I’m not actually taking a shower but I just don’t want to talk to your boring ass”.  The other is an open invitation to imagine that person caressing their soapy and naked body in hopes that you get turned on by that thought.

I don’t think I’m going to teach my kids the alphabet because the alphabet is a work of Satan. The more letters you know then the more words you know and if you know a lot of words then you can create dirty, evil sentences.  My children will be God fearing mutes.

I only use Irish Spring soap because it makes my genitals smell like a field of happy leprechauns searching for a pot of gold.  Now if I could find my pot of gold.

Pulling out before you’re finished also doesn’t work if you’re making cupcakes.

Have you ever been watching porn and you’re getting into it and all of a sudden you hear, “Hey you, yeah, you!” and you get terrified,close out the internet, shut down the monitor, and pull up your pants in a matter of seconds only to realize it was one of those banner ads?

A recent medical study found that it is more difficult for women to stop smoking than men.  They have now put smoking in the same category as nagging and shopping.

Have you ever found yourself asking what type of wine goes best with Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos Tacos?

I am always shocked to open Twitter and read the tweets madeb y journalists…so many spelling errors. But then they are sports reporters and I don’t think their audience cares if they can spell correctly.

My cellphone always changes “killed” to “kilt”.  Well plaid, cellphone, well plaid.

It’s so hot even my taint is sweating profusely.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

Daniel Day Lewis is such a good actor that I assume every person I meet is Daniel Day Lewis.  I celebrated Father’s Day by watching him in “There Will be Blood” because there is no better father figure in Hollywood history than his character in that movie.

I like to wear a lot of black clothing so I can show off the cat hair.

I always get confused when I see the letters “TMI”.  I know it’s supposed to stand for “Too Much Information” but I also think it stands for “Tell More Information” which is why I mentioned about how my taint is sweating profusely and to tell more information I hate hot weather because I sit on my sac way too often.

Do you think Smokey the Bear will be cremated when he dies?

Do you think they’ll ever reboot the Schindler’s List series with Will Smith in the lead?  And instead of spending all his time in a factory or nightclub with Nazis he'd spend his days on a playground shooting basketball to free Jews.

The preferred method of killing spiders in my house is to find the spider and then run to my room screaming like an idiot and then locking myself in my room for three days.

I want to clear the air here.  My last relationship didn’t end because I cheated.  It ended because I didn’t go to Jared.

You should really get off your high horse because riding a horse that’s been smoking marijuana could be dangerous.

I went to the lumber yard to buy some bamboo to make some fishing poles but when I got home I found out they gave me oak instead.  I’ve been bamboozled.

When I was in peewee football the coach told us that to eat healthy we shouldn’t eat anything that has ingredients we can’t read.  The joke was on him because when I was in grade school I was reading a college level.

In Wisconsin there’s a good way to tell if your girlfriend is the one.  You watch how she milks a cow.

I like to think my cellphone holder is the same kind Fonzie would’ve used.

Have you ever wondered if they named Magnum condoms after Magnum P.I.?  And if that is the case,it’s pretty cruel that they have Magnum condoms for guys with extra large penises but have no Higgins condoms for guys with the opposite problem.

I went to the bar Sunday night and saw two guys wearing shirts that said “#1 Dad”.  I said that it was impossible to have two #1 dads so I made them fight for the title.  It was not a disappointing fight and I made a bunch of money off the betting.

I was sitting on a bench in a Walmart a few days ago.  There was a cart filled with Superman merchandise next to the bench.  I think it hadn’t been put out on the Superman display near the bench.  The weird part was that when people walked by they gave me incredulous looks as if the cart were mine.

Today was my first day at my new job.  I’m sort of insulted to be a “day dancer” but Chippendale’s has excellent health care including a top notch dental plan.

I’m a racist.  I hate pretty much all races.  100m, 1000m,marathons, hurdles, cross country…the list could go on.

Whenever I wear my Nazi army helmet and have my Japanese WWII sword attached to my belt people treat me nicely.

You know the Tony Awards are pretty lame when I won one.  Yeah, that’s why I haven’t been around.  I was off in New York getting my Tony.  I won for Best Fat Guy in a Musical.

I’ve been hearing about all the people clamoring about the first views of the Xbox One and the PS4. That is nice and all but I’m still trying to figure out the original Super Mario Brothers and how Mario could throw fireballs underwater.

If there are waffle cones, why aren’t there pancake cones,crepe cones, or French toast cones?

I really need to stop being so apologetic.  I realized I had a problem this weekend when I made eye contact during cunnilingus and apologized but then she did yell at me so I guess I don’t have a problem. Sorry for making you think I needed help.

I love summer vacation because that means no pants until late August.

My cats wrote a screenplay for Fast and Furious 7 in their litterbox this weekend.

You know those family stickers that people put in the back windows of their car?  Well I have one but it’s just a single guy.  I put it there so the ladies know I’m a family man looking to make a family.

How to get people to follow you on Xanga: blog about quirky things that only you could like such as dinosaurs (and don’t forget the RAWR)and starbucks, blatantly display your sexuality, make sure you constantly mass message people to tell them you updated and to recommend your new post, and blog about Xanga drama even if it doesn’t involve you.

It’s becoming apparent that I started this Xanga account with no clear exit strategy.

I think it’s time someone developed a sarcasm font for Xanga.  It would certainly lead to less drama.

I think the people who buy into Xanga drama and thrive off it are the same people who think professional wrestling is real.

Sometimes life sucks but then I remember how many mentally ill people there are on Xanga and I start feeling better about my life.

Everyone is making this new Xanga out to be so great in that it will do everything for you.  Will it give me a blowjob?  Will it not complain when I decide to stave off ejaculation because it’s so pleasurable?  Will it leave after 90 minutes?

Wish me luck, I’m competing in the U.S. Olympics Comedy Team competition this weekend.

Recommend this post if you enjoy breathing.

Last week a few people made comments in my post about raising money by creating a Xanga sex tape...it's been done.

I had a Xanga meet-up today. No one showed up. I wish I had someone to cheer me on as I had an incredible round of mini-golf.

HI, I'm somewhat alive.

hi, i'm alive for now. had a rough day of tests yesterday. going to hibernate for the weekend.

Nipples

I thought the beef was from a male cow but I guess that was a miss steak.

These Speedos really do bring out my personality.

Gordon Ramsay wears Crocs. How good of a chef can he really be? What a Croc of shit!

I think the reason tears have salt in them is because Mother Nature wants them to burn because it gets you to stop crying and being such a pansy.

Have you ever thought about balloons as gifts?  It’s like you’re giving someone a bag of your breath.  Hopefully you didn’t eat onions before you blew it up otherwise you could be charged with chemical warfare which is totally a violation of the Geneva Convention.

I think JFK’s inauguration speech would’ve had more impact if it had been, “Ask not what the pussy can do for you but what you can do for the pussy.”

While on the topic of pussy…overheard at school “Her pussy is looser than the speed limit enforcement in this town.”

I tutored a pregnant 6^th grader today.  Also, if any of you are thinking of becoming a teacher, I listened to a kid give a ten minute Power Point presentation on dubstep.

A girl once had a mental breakdown because my boobs were bigger than hers.

I hear people talking about “nudes”.  What are they?  Can someone show me?

Why do people take photos of their buttholes?  Even better, why are there people who want to see photos of buttholes?  And still, who decides one day that they want to stick their tongue on a butthole?  What the fuck is wrong with this world?

I texted a girl that I’m hornet.  She thought it was a typo.  She’ll soon find out the truth.

I have always wondered if there is a dumbass out there who has watched a few seasons of Dexter and thought that he could get away with murder and then actually tried.  I have wondered if I could but I’m not dumbass enough to try.

I’m a lot like my refrigerator.  I’m cold on the inside and filled with processed cheese and lunch meats.

Have you ever choked on your own spit and then felt like natural selection was trying to tell you something?

They say blood is thicker than water but mayonnaise is thicker than blood so I guess that means I have to put egg salad before my family.

I originally wanted to be cremated but since I live near a funeral home I ask the funeral director if he could get me in the coffin and have me flexing my amazing 24 inch pythons for all eternity and he said he could.  So I’m going to be buried flexing my muscles and my tombstone is going to read “Ripped in Peace”.

Why are there guys named “Dick” and no girls named “Pussy”?  That’s sexist.

Obama’s dog is more popular than I am and that sort of makes me upset.

So it’s June now. Looks like I’ve wasted five months of the year.  Oh well, here’s to wasting another seven.

Thanks to The Great Gatsby, every time I can’t remember someone’s name I call them “old sport”.

Is there baking soda in your refrigerator?  Legend has it that if there is baking soda in there that it’s so old that if you eat a spoonful it’s like tripping on acid.

I once performed cunnilingus on a girl during Law and Order: SVU.  It didn’t last long because the weird sex stuff they were talking about on the show killed the mood.

Why are white people the only people who talk about nationalities with fractions?

My sense of humor can be best described as “Oh my god” and “Please stop, this is a funeral”.

When is VH-1 going to have a “Pope Benedict: Where are they Now” special?

I need to get something off my chest.  It’s my shirt.  Let’s have sex.

I can’t believe people think it’s OK for a girl to be a Lebanese.  What has the world come to?

I put the “semen” in “amusement”.

A local newspaper hired me to write an expose on the materials used at the Build-A-Bear Workshop. It’s a total fluff piece.

I can’t think of anything worse than name-dropping.  Jay-Z, Kanye West, Donald Trump, and Bono told me they hate it as well.

I am so confused by women. They are like a Rubik’s Cube strapped on to a crossword puzzle mixed with Sudoku with a dash of quantum physics all while embodied by a terrorist screaming at you in Esperanto.

Sometimes I’ll make a post, notice a typo, delete everything, and then rewrite it, and then notice another tpyo, delete everything and then rewrite it and then unplug my computer, and enter Witness Protection because I fear the grammar Nazis will get me.  And then sometimes I don’t bohter proorfeadnig.

Sometimes I wish it was really possible to eat nothing but Taco Bell without dying of malnutrition and dehydration because of the explosive diarrhea.

I am going to come out and say it…I hate Jehovah’s Witnesses.  You can’t blame me because I’m of Italian descent so I hate witnesses of any variety.

Hamburger Helper is powerless when the hamburger doesn’t want to be helped.  Then you may have to stage an intervention.

I hate when people say “fuck the police”.  You should really take the police out on a few dates, get to know them, and then make sweet, passionate love to them but only if they consent.  And then you stop calling them and you make them cry and suffer like that bitch who tore out my heart and stomped on it with her heels. Oh she was busy.  Every single time I called how can someone be that busy. I mean seriously how can you be busy at 4AM?  I was looking in her windows and she didn’t look busy to me.

Girls just wanna have fun and if by “fun” you mean “have my babies” then yes.

I heard a girl say how much she loved classic rock and how Mick Jagger was her favorite member of Aerosmith.  Stick to the One Direction, sweetheart.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I love when people release doves at weddings because nothing says true love like an animal escaping for their life.

If there were no bad parents there probably wouldn’t be any porn.

Not to brag but I think I’m the sexiest person at the Chinese buffet.  But then I don’t play hard to get because I’m too busy playing hard to want.

If you love someone just tell them or you could get drunk and text them like 75 times.  Both are pretty much the same.

Sometimes I sit back and shake my head in disbelief at how humble I am.

Gatorade’s new slogan is “Is it in you?”  Ironically that was my motto when I had sex.

When I leave the house with my fly down it’s not an accident, it’s an invitation.

One time when I was in high school my dad asked me to pickup some breakfast burritos from McDonald’s on my way home from work.  I forgot and when he asked where the breakfast burritos were the next morning I quick got a few tortillas and threw some cheerios and cheese on them and he didn’t know the difference.

If God didn’t want us to drink beer then why did he make our hands perfectly fit a beer can. Checkmate teetotalers.

I was at a bar and the guy next to me complained that his drink was too strong.  I grabbed it,downed it, and handed him back the empty glass with the ice and said, “Fixed it, pussy.”

Everyone says that the key to get a woman to like you is by making them laugh.  It hasn’t worked for me so if anyone asks me how to get a woman to like them I’d say that they should buy them sparkly, expensive shit.

When people say, “living the dream,” I always get creeped out because most of my dreams involve me playing hacky sack with Dracula, Frankenstein’s monster, the wolfman, Mitt Romney, and Dane Cook at a Phish concert.  I don’t want to live that at all.

Ladies, if a guy sends you a text message that contains consonants and vowels, it means he wants to have sex.

Guns don’t kill people. Wounds from bullets that are shot from guns kill people.  Also obesity, heart attacks, cancer, AIDS,face eating zombies, and people kill people.

I was worried and thought my house was haunted.  Turns out one of my neighbors was playing his new theremin.

I went on a date with a girl who got offended when she saw that I had unused condoms in my wallet. Good thing she didn’t see the used ones.

Rec this post if you enjoy orgasms.  If you don’t rec it that says a lot about you.

A spider got into my shoe and because of that I made it to the finals of So You Think You Can Dance.

How much are you supposed to talk about the fear of dying alone on a second date?  I’m not sure if I said too much or not enough.  I figure that if the date went well I got a kiss at the end but if it went bad I will spend eternity alone.

What music genre would you recommend for a guy who loves rhyming and bragging about material possessions?

HAHAHAHA!  You fools!  What you think are spam emails have provided me with numerous iPads and a massive penis!

I’m a gentle lover mostly because I have a flaccid penis.  But at least it's massive thanks to those emails.

If you have sex with an Asian girl, does your penis become blurry?

Maybe I’ll join the new Xanga after all.  The only thing is the new GodfatherofGreenBay blog will be different.  It will follow all my sexual exploits just as soon as I finish building my sex robot.  Until then, if anyone needs me, I’ll be lowering my standards on JDate and OnlineBootyCall.  I am conflicted with internet dating because part of me thinks it’s creepy and then part of me wants to have sex with a stranger I met on the internet.

Xanga needs to follow the business model of my porn site…POST MORE PORN!

If I’m ever referred to as the Clint Howard of Xanga then I’m done.

I think Xanga is a gloryhole for the mind.

Before Xanga, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “Can vampires get HIV since it’s a blood borne disease?”  Now I post them in these posts.

Xanga is the reason the internet can’t have nice things.

I blame Xanga for destroying my ability to distinguish between sad personal tales of woe and jokes.

No matter what you post on Xanga, there’ll always be someone who will bitch about it so post what you want unless it offends me.

Tomorrow, I’ll be blogging telepathically so if you think of something funny that’s just me inside your head.

I think people follow me on Xanga because they think I live an exciting life and then they follow me on Facebook and learning I’m boring.

I think the moral of the story is we’ve all been on Xanga way too long.

New Xanga motto: Stop being rude and start being nude.

Geez, Xanga is going to die before me.  I was planning on having you all come to my funeral and have each of you read one of my posts so that everyone in the crowd would realize it was good that I was dead. Thanks a lot for ruining my plans, Xanga Team.  While we’re at it, I really don’t want to pledge money or pay for something that’s free unless Xanga has a business plan in place and they have someone who can operate the finances of this site because obviously the old crew couldn’t do the work because if they could then Xanga wouldn’t be in this mess.  I say we make theologianscafe the CEO of Xanga: ANUSTART

Right-handed or left-handed?