How tall are you?

Try to seduce me in seven words or less

I've made a huge mistake

If Xanga is saved instead of calling it the outdated "Xanga 2.0" they need to call it "Xanga: Anustart"

Well, gang, I want to buy a new car and you're going to help me.  See the car I want costs about $60,000 and you are going to have to pay for it but you won't get to use it.  See I really have to have this car because it's so fancy.  I don't really need anything fancy to get me from here to there but I HAVE TO HAVE IT!  I know it's a lot to ask of you to give me all this money since I haven't been around much and I haven't answered emails or replied to any comments or concerns and haven't really updated things around my site or fixed some of the things I know are giving you problems but damn it, you're giving me this money.  If not, you won't get to see #caturday any more.  And who doesn't want to see cute cat pics like these:

Now wasn't that fun?  IF you want to see more of that you'll give me $60,000 for a new car.  If not, then I guess you can go elsewhere for your cat photos and plan on this being the last #caturday ever.  Well here's the pledge site.  Now...GIVE ME MONEY!  You have 6 minutes.  Also, if any ladies want my cellphone number so they can send me photos of their genitals, that would help toward reaching the goal somehow.

I now know what procedures Walmart has implemented in the case of a tornado.  Last night we had a tornado come through these parts.  It was maybe 25 miles from where I live.  Today after a doctor’s appointment I thought I needed some fresh air so I went to the Walmart in the town where that tornado was after my aunt and mom asked if I wanted to get out.  I looked at the minimal damage around the town(just a bunch of downed trees, loose shingles, and a couple businesses that lost roofs).  I got what I needed and waited for my mom and aunt to finish.  I was sitting in front of the store people watching.  Then it started raining and it was coming down so hard that I thought the roof was going to collapse.  My mom cam and sat next to me and we were watching the rain and Walmart employees scurrying around.  All of a sudden we hear this cashier scream, “TORNADO!  YAY!”  Then they came over the loudspeakers telling us we need to go to the back of the store.  Then there was a line of employees that reminded me of riot police on State Street on Halloween.  They would not let anyone past.  We were herded into the electronics section.  I couldn’t believe how many people were back there.  Then they shut off the air conditioning and with all those people and the humidity it got so hot back there and I go into a full blown asthma attack.  One of the Walmart employees sees me struggling with my inhaler so she takes me to a back room to sit and try to cool off.  There were like 50 people in this room.  It was awful.  We had to sit there until they were given an all clear.  People start freaking out because phone lines went down.  Luckily I could send out texts on Twitter but I couldn’t take or make phone calls.  Well the all clear was given and we left.  I think the worst part was not knowing what was going on because they didn’t have TVs or radios.  The managers were huddling around a weather radio elsewhere in the store.  The tornado did no damage that we could tell.  It was about 5 miles away.  So I’m alive and didn’t see any members of the lollipop guild.  The strange thing was that after the tornado I counted 20 pregnant teenage girls.  I didn’t think we were back there that long.

Links...the last time I'm doing links because I went through and deleted all the ones that were sitting in my files.

1.  When I was a kid I had a lot of action figures.  My favorite were G.I. Joes.  I had a friend that had almost every He-Man figure so that's why I thought of posting this list of the most ill-conceived action figures.  I had a few of the Rambo figures.  I didn't see the movies until I was out of college but I had those action figures.

2.  And while we are talking about action figures, here's another list of the 36 worst action figures from iconic lines.  I had #8 and 9.  My friend had both the He-Man figures.  The Stinkor was horrendous.

3.  I like studying etymologies because I'm that big of a nerd.  Anyway, here are 11 politically incorrect etymologies of common words and phrases.

4.  And here are 9 dirty etymologies of every day words.

5.  If you remembered I enjoyed wikipedia lists.  Here's a list of minor planets named after people.  I was going to suggest naming one after Xanga but...fuck.

6.  Here's a list of causes of death by rate.  Xanga by suicide?

7.  This is one of the most terrifying Tumblr sites I've happened upon.  It's called Actresses Without Teeth.

8.  Someone on Tumblr created a site devoted to photos of Bruce Springsteen's Crotch.

9.  And one of my favorite Tumblrs, Michael Buble being Stalked by a Velociraptor.  Hmmm that's a lot of Tumblrs.  Guess where I'm heading once Xanga dies.

10.  Here's a website that's thriving.  It's a bulletin board and it's a support group for people who chew ice.

11.  There's something about Wisconsin and the Bloody Mary.  When I was in Minnesota and watched friends order the drink it was basically just the drink and maybe a piece of celery and a couple olives.  In Wisconsin, bars go all out with their Bloody Marys.  One bar that I worked next to for a few years in the tourist trap served what they called "The Breakfast of Champions".  It was a standard Bloody Mary as far as the drink goes but it was garnished with 6 jumbo shrimp and 3 dill pickles and a celery stalk.  It also came with a bottle of whatever beer you wanted for a chaser.  Then there's a bar in my town that features a Bloody Mary garnished with a cheese stick, pepperoni, black olives, dill pickle, and celery stalk.  Now a bar in Wisconsin has created the mother of all Bloody Marys.  The best part?  It only costs $5.

12.  I swear if I lived in Madison I would go broke ordering from this service.

Tattoos:


I never thought I'd see the day when I'd see Twin Peaks tattoos.

He's going to be so Ledgendary on the internet for the rest of his life.

No

Probably not

Dick Nixon?  He was all about the money.

This may be the tastiest tattoo I've ever seen.

This one is actually really cool.

Tattoo Chuck Norris cannot be stopped from kicking your ass.

Oh that's going to get removed in a year or so.

No one is looking at the tattoo.

Best Thom Yorke tattoo ever!

Xanga changes
What the fuck?  Seriously?  You give the community 6 weeks to raise $60,000.  This is nothing but a shakedown.  It would be nice if you gave us some incentive to using the site like allowing us to go back more than six photos in our photoblog.  Or having the music section work.  Or having the videos upload.  Maybe if you put time in the website people would be willing to pay but when it doesn't work why should anyone.  I hope you give out refunds.  Oh and if the site dies what are you going to do with all the information you've kept on file for people who paid and faxed in photos of driver's licenses so they could view all the sites here?  I'm going to Tumblr.  Here's a hilarious Tumblr called Xanguh.  It's a collection of real screenshots from this dead site.

The 20 Most Powerful Man Names

1. Matt
2. Adam
3. David
4. Peter
5. Barry
6. Shawn
7. Timothy
8. Connor
9. Phillip
10. Taylor
11. Alex
12. Michael
13. Jonathan
14. Daniel
15. William
16. Colt
17. Lucifer
18. Blake Fistcrunch
19. Dirk Hardpec
20. Slab Bulkhead

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF 
1.  I chew my fingernails
2.  I can’t remember my birthday so thatis why people forget it this year.
3.  I am not the largest cephalopod onearth.
4.  I never have made a girl fart throughsilk but it is a goal
5.  I cry when I watch certain movies.
6.  Even though I am 6’2” and even thoughsome consider that tall, I feel short.
7.  I am so Raven
8.  I think I’m addicted to the internetbecause I’ve started using internet lingo in my regular speaking. 
9.  Even though I don’t display it, I amrather musical.
10.  Lately I’ve been seeing how long Ican go in a day without speaking English. Typing is another story.

NINE THINGS YOU’VE THOUGHT ABOUT RECENTLY
1.  What would the world be like without me andwould it be better off?
2.  I think I should finally tell her howI feel.
3.  No, I won’t say anything because Ilike her in my life as a friend and don’t want to lose that.
4.  Boobs
5.  Why do people enjoy anallingus
6.  Tornadoes suck ass
7.  Why are people so enamored by realityTV?  Your life is reality and there is noway I’d watch my life on TV because it’s boring or at least parts of it areboring and not TV worthy.
8.  Why do people de-friend me onfacebook?  Oh well, no loss but seriouslyI’m not that difficult to love.
9.  Why am I single?

EIGHT WAYS TO WIN YOUR HEART
1.  Give me attention
2.  Laugh at my jokes
3.  Like me for me
4.  Dress up like a cheerleader
5.  Do math
6.  Boobs
7.  Dance like they dance in the CharlieBrown cartoons.
8.  Wear that one perfume I like

SEVEN FAVORITE SONGS YOU’VE HAD
1.  Wish You were Here- Pink Floyd
2.  Keep Me in Your Heat for a While-Warren Zevon
3.  Gigantic- The Pixies
4.  Army of Me- Bjork
5.  Given to Fly- Pearl Jam
6.  Nowhere Man- Pearl Jam
7.  10,000 Lakes- Kid Dakota

SIX THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU GO TOBED 
1.  Laugh at Darko Milicic.
2.  Watch Adult Swim.
3.  Eat some fruit
4.  Check my phone
5.  Brush teeth.
6.  Ponder my future.

FIVE THINGS YOU DO ON YOUR DAYS OFF. 
1.  Xanga
2.  Boobs
3.  Weep
4.  Vidja games
5.  Realize that this will not find melove

FOUR THINGS YOU’RE DOING RIGHTNOW. 
1.  Listening to Family Guy
2.  Braiding my chest hair
3.  Wondering what happened to Tim Tebow
4.  Trying to figure out how to play thesad walking away music from The Incredible Hulk

THREE THINGS YOU’RE SCARED OF
1.  Birds
2.  Dying alone
3.  Kidney failure

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOUDIE 
1.  Be loved
2.  Participate in a month longintergalactic orgy

ONE CONFESSION
1.  The word "love"doesn't necessarily mean shit to me.

Sure, they have to put something I'm allergic to where I live.

His shirt says "She wants the D".  I guess that means "She wants the disaster relief".

Oh, honey girl, you better work.

Well, are you?  Or since it's almost over...did you?

A man defeated


I loved the new season of Arrested Development but I was sort of upset there wasn't any chicken shenanigans although George Michael was about to do his chicken but didn't quite get to it.  I hope there is another season.

Yeah...pretty much life right now.  I was going to do an entire post about my health but I'll sum it up.  "Oh, hey, I gotta take a dump."  *sit on toilet, opens ESPN Magazine, relaxes, explosion*  "OH MY GOD WHAT WAS THAT?!?!"  *explosion subsides, relaxes, switches to Maxim Magazine, explosion*  "OH DEAR LORD WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!"  *cries, pain intensifies, breathes like I'm in labor, wipes, stands up, sees toilet bowl full of blood, faints, wakes up minutes later, cries, pain, flushes*  Then I'll just be sitting around and have pain stomach pain and then start vomiting what is probably stomach bile or acid or whatever the hell it is.  This was all going on years ago and the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong.  They think my pain is from ulcers now but they can't figure out why I'm losing so much blood and why I'm anemic and why I have little to no iron or potassium and why some of my blood cell numbers resemble those of a cancer patient.  Fun times, people, fun times.

Well I better get going, I have a lot to accomplish tomorrow.  I wish I had the medical marijuana because that might help with the pain.  At least let me have some Flintstones Chewable Morphine.

Sorry I had nothing better

The best way to celebrate Memorial Day and honor our fallen soldiers is being stinking drunk for three days.  Yep, that’s the American way.  I also hate it that all those brave men and women had to lay down their lives so we could get good deals on appliances and cars.

There are five things I’d start a civil war over or at least unleash untold destruction against my fellow man: Crystal Pepsi, the pronunciation of “gif”, the last cannoli, Packers intercepting the ball on a last second Hail Mary pass only to have it called a touchdown, and Star Wars prequels.

My favorite band is Pink Freud and their best album was “Dark Side of Your Mom”.

How am I supposed to have a good day when 30% of my fellow Americans aren’t getting enough fiber in their diets?

If you rearrange the letters in “Benghazi” you get “bezingah”.  If that’s not evidence enough that the U.S. government and a CBS sitcom are colluding in some sort of conspiracy then I don’t know what is.

I’ll never be one of those Hollywood leading men like Shrek or Shrek 3.

When I went to a restaurant recently there was a cloud hanging in the place because of the sexual tension between soup and salad.  The soup and salad bar was just waiting for something to happen.

Any ladies interested in making a secret handshake with me?  It involves our mouths and genitals and hours.

I sort of want to get a hickey on my neck because I’ve never had the experience of telling people that I burnt myself with a curling iron.

Birth control pills are more fun when you look at them like they’re an Advent calendar for pregnancy prevention.

Have you ever noticed that people only consider love to be real if it’s reciprocated?  Guess my love for beer isn’t real.

Paper weights are a good idea on paper but nowhere else.

Why is it that the national symbol is the bald eagle?  Every eagle I’ve seen has a full head of hair.  I think it’s a conspiracy.

Adrian Peterson says he does not believe in Minnesota’s legalizationo f gay marriage.  I guess that makes him a gaytheist.  I also hear he ran a 4.3 40yard dash to get away from a gay newlywed couple.

How long is it before girls start taking duckface driver’s license photos?

Some people suffer from ADD. I have ADD-HD.  Everything is better in high definition.

I think the best example of how kids can be anything when they grow up is how Toby Keith had a hit song about a plastic red cup and another song about beating up people that don’t share your religion.

Sometimes I wish my dad could look down on me from Heaven and tell me he’s proud of me but he can’t because he isn’t dead.

I’ve learned that chasing your dreams isn’t always easy but with hard work and dedication I swear I will become the first Xangan to be the world champion mayonnaise eater.  This is my goal: get good at eating mayonnaise, get confidence, win, and THEN meet a woman.  What woman doesn’t enjoy a man who eats fists full of mayonnaise for sport?

I love going to Kwik Trip and talking with my friend Pablo.  I tell him about my day at work and my cats and my garden and he always says, “I don’t know you, sir.  Please buy something or leave.”  Pablo cracks me up every time.

I have a lot of voices in my head and they’re always tell me to do wicked nasty shit but I tend to listen to the therapist voice because he seems to be the most levelheaded out of all my voices.

If you have a friend that has a fisting fetish, you should probably lend a hand.

Did you know that Bob Marley made music and didn’t just smoke marijuana?  My mind is blown.

I watched the Hatfield and McCoy movie on History Channel and now I have the strong desire to make moonshine, spit to indicate anger, and use the word “tarnations” at random.

I was recently watching the TV show “My Strange Addiction”.  There was a woman on who was addicted to breast implants and she had 38KKK breasts and thought they weren’t big enough.  They looked big enough to mebut that’s just my opinion and what do I know.

When you win American Idol you get to meet Ryan Seacrest so essentially you go from being a nobody to a nobody who has met Ryan Seacrest.

They should call nasal congestion “nasal beavers” because it feels like thousands of microscopic beavers crawled up your nose and built a dam.  In other news, allergies suck.

How can girls accomplish anything with their boobs?  If I was a girl I’d stand in the bathroom for hours watching my boobs jiggle as I brushed my teeth.

I think at this point in my life my only hope at achieving fame is by becoming a serial killer and lately I don’t feel opposed to that notion.

Chances are that if you’re a female and have been nice to me then I’ve fallen in love with you.  Sorry about that.

I think I’m byesexual. Every time I fall for someone they run away from me screaming “Goodbye!”

I was in a restaurant and the waitress asked me what I wanted to drink.  I told her I wanted coke.  She said, “We don’t have Coke.  Is Pepsi alright?”  I replied, “No, Pepsi is not OK.  I meant “coke” as in cocaine.  Pop is bad for you.”

A recent study reported that if you get a boyfriend or girlfriend’s name tattooed on your body there is a 99.9% chance you will breakup and that tattoo will be branded on your asscheek for the rest of your life.

I found myself watching The Bachelorette this evening and the woman said something along the lines of that all marriage consisted of was walking around, shopping, and entertaining your spouse.  If that’s the case, I don’t want to be married especially not to that vapid idiot.

I’m not saying I’m good at demotivational speaking but guess who talked his personal trainer into eating an entire pizza, dozen hot wings,two orders of chili fries, and 3 pints of beer.

They always taught us in grade school that a good way to remember the cold months is they are the ones that end with a “burr” sound like Septem-burr, Octo-burr, Novem-burr, and Decem-burr.  The other way they taught us how to tell if it was cold outside is to look out a window before going outside.

I always sing along with the Steve Miller Band song “The Joker” but sadly no one has ever called me a Space Cowboy or the Gangster of Love.

The best way to find out if someone is Christian is to sneeze in front of them.

I once broke up with a girl because she sounded like a turn signal after we ate at Taco Bell.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

Why does hamburger need a helper?  I’ve always thought hamburger did fine on its own.  What about oatmeal getting some help?  How about hummus?

What sort of contest would award Pabst a blue ribbon?

I don’t want a girl with great legs or pretty eyes.  I have legs and eyes.  Give me a girl with money.

Ladies, when talking to men, never read between the lines.  There is nothing there.  Trust me.

According to my dad, coming to a complete stop at stop signs in residential neighborhoods or using a turn signal anywhere causes global warming and he’s now an environmentalist.

I think dubstep and modern pop country were created to keep people from lazily saying that they enjoy every form of music.

I bet in China when they write in English they never use capital letters because they don’t believe in capitalism.

There are now 7 billion people on earth.  If you say that your spouse is “one in a million” that means there are 7000 just like them out there.

I can’t tell if people at the public pool are more impressed with my Speedos or my long-sleeve swimming shirt.

In 2001 if you told me there would be 6 Fast and Furious movies I would’ve laughed in your face and then probably punched you and burned you at the stake for being some sort of psychic witch.

Where is the craziest place you’ve ever practiced abstinence?

I finally narrowed down my doctorate dissertation topic down.  It will be “An Oral History of Matt Damon’s Cameo in the Film Eurotrip”.

If you love something, let it go.  If it doesn’t come back then drunk text the shit out of her.

If you love something, let it go.  If you hate something, stay with it until the resentment boils up and causes you physical ailments and creates a dark cloud of sadness to hang over you.

When I go to a dance club, my signature move is standing against a wall, looking at my phone, and wishing I was anywhere else.

I conducted a recent study. All the people who saw The Hangover 3 at my local theater imitated Borat within 24 hours of seeing the movie.

Donald Trump is an inspiration because he proves that you don’t need a brain, soul, morals, or a sense of reality to make a shit ton of money.

I think I should be a condom model.

I wish I was married so I could have someone there to see me be excited when I recognize someone on a TV show from another TV show.

Did you know that the name “king cobra” is actually short for “OH MY GOD IT’S A FUCKING COBRA!”

When I go to a store and see products advertised with “As Seen on TV” I scoff.  Do you really want me to buy a product that can also be used to describe Jim Belushi?

I dreamt I won the Powerball.  I kept going to work but at the end of the day I flipped off all my co-workers and then I went home to Blowjob Manor(that’s the name of my home because I hired certain ladies to occupy different rooms and do different jobs for me like dusting and vacuuming and cooking).

I got kicked out of my jam band this week.  They found out that I’m just pretending to play guitar.  Oh well, it was a fun 12 years.

Asking if I link any of my other websites to Facebook is like asking if I invite my family over to watch me masturbate.

My Xanga is lacking but my hair looks good.  Isn’t that what life’s all about?

It’s always a tragedy when a child dies unless his dying wish was to make the Xanga front page top blogs.  Screw that, there’s blogs about rape and racism that need to be there, not some dying kid.

They say you lose a lot of calories from running.  I wonder how many calories you lose from running multiple Xanga accounts that are embroiled in Xanga drama.

Sometimes I feel like the Meg Griffin of Xanga and my family.  If by now you haven’t figured out, I have little to no self-confidence. I’ve lost it through years of abuse. I don’t get my hopes up anymore because nothing ever comes about through hoping.  I like to do this anti-comedy self-deprecation comedy thing that’s all the rage right now.

3 out of 4 Xangans suffer from at least one self-diagnosed mental illness.

Instead of learning from mistakes, a lot of people blog about them on Xanga and keep repeating them.

The best part of being revolting to women is that I never have to worry about having children but it does get lonely on Father’s Day.  Thank god for Xanga and strip clubs.

Sometimes I feel like I tricked you into following me and now you’re here against your will.  Sorry about that.

You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.

On top of everything that has been going on, I come down with bronchitis this weekend. This is like some domino effect stuff.