hi

I'm so happy that former Teen Mom Farrah Abraham released her porn tape.  It now shows that teen girls that teen pregnancy is glamorous and will get you paid by MTV and then you can get into acting after you are no longer a teen.

I really want to go to a restaurant that Gordon Ramsay helps on Kitchen Nightmares or Hell’s Kitchen itself because I’m not convinced he’s swearing.  I think he’s talking about fishing and shipping.

I think it’s time that Congress did something productive.  They need to have hearings to determine whether or not professional wrestling is real or scripted.

Sometimes I think if I was a woman I’d use my vagina as a coin purse or for extra storage like for lipstick or an iPhone.  I’d keep them there when I didn’t need them.

Apparently cheetahs are really sensitive and nervous animals.  They are so nervous that some won’t breed because they are intimidated by the wild cheetah sex and they end up never getting laid and dying alone. After all these years on this planet and questioning who I am I have finally figured out that I’m a cheetah.

April showers bring may flowers and what do may flowers bring?  PILGRIMS!  And what do pilgrims bring?  Death to Native Americans.

Sometimes it seems that my blog is literally me talking to myself with an audience.  Crap…I’ve become Jeff Dunham.

I made a bukkake joke around a friend this weekend.  She didn’t know what it was so her solution was to google it.

There’s a Chinese buffet a few towns over that only plays one song on a continuous loop.  It’s“Happy Birthday”.  Apparently someone had a birthday party there and asked if they could play that song and now the rest is history.

The main thing I’ve learned from celebrity tabloid magazines is that the true talent of female celebrities is how fast she can lose weight after having a baby.

Remember the 00s? Remember watching helplessly as your country descended into a bloodthirsty war frenzy and everyone was yelling about supporting troops or getting them out of war?  Remember Spongebob?

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke.

STOP THE NRA!  (That’s the National Randy Jackson Association. There is absolutely no need for such a thing and he needs to be banned from American Idol.)

It’s sort of sad that I’ll never be as popular as the girls in “2 Girls, 1 Cup” or the girl who sucked on her tampon.

“Born in the USA”is probably my favorite song about being born in the USA.

Back last month during the North Korean missile crisis, North Korea was basically a teenager with a skateboard loitering outside a convenience store and the UN was the crusty old store manager who doesn’t like seeing cool skateboard tricks.

So often I want to be like Martin Luther and post something revolutionary but I usually settle for writing 95 reasons why someone is a douchebag and then I staple it to their forehead.

Ladies, I am a polite gentleman.  I will hold doors open for you.  I’ll open the car door for you.  I’ll carry you over puddles.  I’ll bring you flowers.  I’ll shower you with compliments after I shower myself with soap and water.  I’llpolitely ask if I can fondle your breasts. I am a gentleman.

A radio station near me once had a disgruntled employee and he programmed a continuous loop of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Sweet Home Alabama”for an entire day.  No one seemed to notice because most radio stations only have four songs in their rotation.

I think the best way to weigh yourself is when you are naked.  I just wish they understood at the pharmacy.

I once worked as a waiter and one of my first customers was a vampire.  He ordered a steak and I asked how he’d like it and he said, “Not wooden and nowhere near my heart.”

I think the reason I sleep on my stomach is because subconsciously I think I’m a superhero and my blanket is my cape.

I once suggested a student read Howard Zinn’s “A People’s History of the United States”.  That student came to tell me how much they enjoyed the book after class and they said, “Mr. Awesome, that book was the bomb.  When I got to the part about Columbus and the Native Americans, I was all like ‘Oh hell no, Christopher Columbus with your stank ass.’”

I sometimes will look back on my life and have a hard time believing about things that have happened. I question if it really happened because some events are just really out there like going to school with a crime fighter named Checkerman to getting a job application from a guy named Christ who was dressed in drag. I know this isn’t a joke and if you don’t like it let me know so I can block you because my brother was saved by Checkerman when the evil Chessmaster took him hostage but he was later killed by the Monopoly Man, who was driving the thimble while drunk.

Whatever happened to Dane Cook?  Did he die? Must be, since his career sure did. If there is one thing that Dane Cook has taught us it’s that using a curse word every other word in a sentence it’s hilarious.

If people ask me to do something and I say, “No problem,” it’s usually because I’m being polite and that’s a better thing to say than“that was inconvenient and I won’t point it out because if I do you’ll call me a cunt.”

The best part about the internet is that no matter what you think there is some idiot out there that agrees with you.  I’m happy I found my “The center of the Earth is made of marshmallows and barbecue ribs” support group.

If someone uses the word “gay” in a way that doesn’t refer to homosexuality and no one around is offended is it still offensive?

When I go to the movies, I never have to worry about putting my phone on silent because no one ever calls or texts me.

I got kicked out of Walmart because I gave myself a genital exam.  I guess I misunderstood the concept of a self-checkout lane.

If any of you forgot to get your mom something for Mother’s Day it’s not too late to get her a good gift. Just put the toilet seat down.

I remember the time my girlfriend bought Chicago Cubs pajamas.  I never scored after she bought them.  We were really into S&M.  She always slept and I masturbated.

And now here's your weekly dose of motivation:

Have you ever noticed how racist TV is?  When white girls get pregnant, they get an entire season of “16 and Pregnant” on MTV, but when black girls get pregnant, they’re lucky to get 5 minutes on Maury.

Nothing says “this marriage won’t last” quite like a Walmart engagement ring…I buy all my engagement rings at Walmart.

I once googled “what women want” and my computer crashed.

If Ghost Hunters ever visited my house, I’d be afraid of what the old lady who walks around my upstairs tells them I do when I’m alone and oiled up.

I sometimes think that some people only watch NASCAR for the fiery crashes and the subsequent commemorative plates.

I still haven’t forgiven my 1^st grade teacher who sent that note home to my parents that said I had a problem with holding grudges.

I used to think obesity wasn’t an epidemic in America but then I realized we have flavored floss.

Real life conversation: “Hey, godfather, did you know that Ron Jeremy has his own rum?”  “Yeah, I knew that, it’s called Ron de Jeremy rum.” “I wonder how it goes down.” “Probably on itself.”  That was quite an awkward car ride with my mom after that.

Did you know that 40% of America’s annual tree harvest ends up as Mother’s Day cards for Michelle Duggar?

I can’t believe people are against gay marriage because if you want people to stop having gay sex then you let them get married.

I think the reason why I don’t sleep with many women is because I have insomnia.

Do public speakers at nudist colonies picture people in the audience with clothes on?

I have reached the point in my life where I am comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Whenever I hear someone say “How do you like me now,” I usually answer, “Even less now.

You should be able to mark people as spam.

If I treated people how I wanted to be treated I’d spend all day giving strangers oral sex.

I still think Breaking Bad will end with Bryan Cranston’s character being dropped into Witness Protection and being in Malcolm in the Middle.  How else do you describe Hal’s erratic behavior in that show?

They call a group of lions a pride.  They call a group of my family members an embarrassment.

I don’t get why girls say “you’ll never find another girl like me” when I break up with them. Isn’t that the point?

Now that I’m single the label on my porn folder says “porn” instead of the usual “vegan recipes”.

If I ever offend you, make sure you email me a list of your grievances or tag me in a post so I can print it out and wipe my ass with it.

I think I take compliments as well as a vending machine takes wet, crumpled dollar bills.

Pick-up line destined for failure: “Girl, there’ll be eight planets after I destroy Uranus and for the sake of numbering, Pluto will always be a planet to me.”

I bet there are people running around Hollywood pitching the idea for a Great Gatsby sequel where he comes back as a zombie.

My daughter Jenna thinks I’m addicted to porn so I asked my son Jameson what he thinks.

My girlfriend is like the square root of a negative number…imaginary.  MATH JOKE!

Being popular on Xanga is sort of like owning a lot of property in Monopoly.

I think Xanga needs a “I want to lick your genitals” button because the rec and eprops are not enough.

I once heard someone say they came to Xanga to find a soulmate.  I suggested she straddle a speaker and listen to Barry White.

I’m glad I have Xanga for self-validation because I would’ve been a horrible stripper.

New Xanga motto…Xanga: where you get to relive your childhood rejection and acceptance issues all over again.

New Xanga motto…Xanga: Escape the idiots you know in real life to be surrounded by idiots you don’t know.

Is it me or does anyone else think that Xanax should be the official sponsor of Xanga?

Xanga has saved me from a horrible “keeping my thoughts to myself” addiction.

Some people use Xanga like they are campaigning to be the next Dali Lama.

I am thankful for my mom and was happy to tell her that on Mother’s Day.  Without her, I wouldn’t have all these issues that make me hilarious.

I was amazed that when I was gone for that time period awhile back I lost friends here.  What could I possibly be doing to piss you off if I’m not even posting?

When is Xanga prom?

If there was a Xanga school/university, they’d probably have to do what they do at Apple sweatshops in China and put nets under the windows to stop people from trying to escape or commit suicide.

Good night everyone and by “goodnight” I mean I’ll probably be up for another two hours or so contemplating life and by “contemplating life” I mean I’ll probably watch some porn and jerk off.

It's all over but the shouting, but don't worry: It's going to be great shouting. (my horoscope this week)

So I haven't been around much.  I keep trying to get on here more often but it's been difficult lately with health and other things getting in the way.  I see Xanga still has not fixed the photos.  Sigh.  Maybe that's why people aren't using this site much any more.  There is no effort to fix broken things.  Yes I know it's lame to bash Xanga but I have thought the more it's brought up maybe Xanga will take notice...maybe not.

Here's your assignment:

1.
  

2.
  

3.
  

Answer two questions to receive full credit and answer all three for extra credit.

Now get to work.

It's May 4th as in "May the Fourth be with you" which is sort of like that one line from Star Wars, "It's a trap!" or "I find your lack of faith disturbing." or "I’ve got a very bad feeling about this." or "These blast points — too accurate for sandpeople. Only imperial stormtroopers are so precise."  It's also #caturday.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

I feel so sick right now. My stomach and genitals feel like a trumpet that's been run over by a car

I don't worry about much any more except moths and birds and the Jewish mafia and hangnails and sharts and the Amish.

The Kentucky Derby is this Saturday.  I really haven't paid attention or looked at which horse is currently the favorite this year but I'm thinking of possibly going to the OTB at the local casino.  I might not enjoy the race but I'll enjoy the ladies dressed up in the ridiculous hats and I'll also love all the mint juleps.  I lived on a horse farm for two years during high school and thought there was nothing special about those creatures.  They just chewed grass and straw all day long but over the years I've come to appreciate horse racing.  There is just something special about watching the ponies run.  Hell, I can enjoy myself watching horse races without the mint juleps or gambling and for a while I had to at Canterbury.

One thing that has always amazed me about horse racing are the names of the horses.  The owners like to get very creative with the names.  There is quite a lengthy list of rules that The Jockey's Club has established.  For instance horse names cannot be more than 18 characters long and they can't be named after living people unless permission is granted.  Another rule is that the names can't be vulgar or obscene.  I guess some owners didn't get that memo.  Here is a list of some of my favorite horse names:

Bodacious Ta Ta's  (that philly had a peculiar strut)
Date More Minors (Can horses be pedophiles?)
OHBEEGEEWHYEN (Must have had a practice when she wasn't racing)
Wrecked Em (Has a proctology practice in the same building as OHBEEGEEWHYEN)
Anita Cocktail (not to be confused with Anita Dick)
Hardawn (I don't think that is possible when watching races)
Golden Showers (From the 1940s so I am sure they didn't have such deviant acts back then)
Girls On Top (the best way to ride)
Ménage Á Trois (The horse, the jockey, and the whip...kinky)
Rhythm Method (Sadly this horse didn't always perform the way it was intended to)
Black Servant (A horse from the simpler yet incredibly racist times of the 20s.)
The Cock (He placed 6th at the 1916 Derby probably because he had that something extra weighing him down)
The Winner (Too bad he finished in last place)
Our Dad (Apparently bestiality is alive and well in the horse racing community)
Spineless Jellyfish (didn't make it out of the gates because it was scared)
No Stinking Badges (We don't need No Stinking Badges to show)
Acid Reflux (I hear they get her to run extra fast after they feed her Mexican food)
Sexy Librarian (Who hasn't had that fantasy...WITH A HUMAN...WITH A HUMAN!)
No Fat Chicks (But of course, it would slow her down)
Sheikh'nnotstirred (Who knew James Bond was into horse racing)
Sotally Tober (Why occiffer of course there's blood in my alcohol stream)
Cunning Stunt (Whoever chose this name was a cunning linguist like myself...I hope you get that one, ladies )
Senior Discount (The sad thing about this horse is that it never finished a race because it always had to be at Denny's before 5PM to get the early bird special)
Hoof Hearted (I'll let the video explain it and if you don't get it, say the name really fast)
Cum Rocket (No comment is necessary)

Well I looked it up, Orb is the favorite this year at 7:2.

This just in: screaming profanities at an empty text editor will not write posts for you.

When you read this voice, try to read it in Forrest Gump’s voice and then you’ll pretty much be at my level.

Remember when the word “special” was used as a compliment.

“Sorry, not sorry” has replaced Miranda Rights in 2013.

Jokes complaining about other jokes are the least funny type of jokes and probably unfunnier than the jokes you are complaining about to begin with so quit making fun of “chicken road crossing jokes”.

You can’t touch music but you can touch boobs so I guess that’s better.

Some people use mass in calculations to find energy and others go to mass to have the energy drained out of them.

I wish MSNBC would have a real news flash…Rachel Maddow exposing her breasts.

I hate when people say “words cannot express how I feel”.  That’s such a slap in the face of words.  Words can express whatever you want them to.  Sure you may have to put thought into it but that’s why words were invented, dog-gong it.

I usually classify myself as an optimist but not a “The Hangover 3 is going to be good” optimist.

I am such a cruel teacher. When I make scantron tests I make the answers “A-C-D-C” in a continuous loop.

Blood is thicker than water. Motor oil is thicker than blood. Cherish you car more than your family and eliminate those who object.  Chevy runs deep.  You can lead your horse to water but if you want your horse to crush the competition then you better lead your horse to Gatorade.  Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s white male privilege.  Buy 2, get both!  God, all that Mad Men has made me start thinking of new slogans for businesses.

Why is it that movies that have stories involving strippers are insistent on a plot line?

Whenever I listen to Radiohead I feel like I’m staring into the abyss and the abyss is staring back and is playing some sweet-ass tunes.

I like going to the Catholic church for confession and describing movies to the priest.  It’s always interesting how many Hail Marys and Our Fathers I get for the Batman movies.

I’m pretty sure the next Jurassic Park movie will be in 4D.  They’ll release dinosaurs into the theater and you have to see if you can survive for two hours.

I think I’d make a pretty good parent because my parents have given me plenty of lessons on how not to be a parent.

“Satisfaction” by Benny Benassi is very awkward to listen to because it sounds like Stephen Hawking talking dirty.

I once met Eminem and it was pretty awkward.  His palms were sweaty and his knees were weak and his arms were heavy.  If I remember correctly he also had vomit on his sweatshirt already.

Married people talking about their spouse, love, and children in front of a single person is torture and needs to be outlawed by the Geneva Convention.

You know your life is pathetic when your parents suggest you try eharmony or match.com or Plenty of Fish or Farmers Only or Fuckbook.

I was at a school doing my schtick and this teacher had in a lesson plan that the class would listen to traditional Indian music because they were studying India.  The first song on the CD was “Paper Planes”by M.I.A.  I felt like it was really time for me to leave this planet.

My life has sunk to new lows…listening to polka music while looking at porn.  I must say that it makes the porn more delightful and rhythmic.

I want to get a motorcycle just so girls will pose semi-nude in front of it.  Seriously, have you ever seen a motorcycle without a scantily clad woman next to it?  It doesn’t exist, especially not in my Easy Rider magazines.

I’m an ugly guy but I’d make a pretty attractive chimpanzee.

The often say that real women have curves.  I’m not sure about that but I do know that real women have retractable claws and communicate via echolocation.

I’d like to think of my writing as poignant and inspiring but most of the time it comes off as weird and whiny.

Have you ever stopped to think that money is just pieces of paper with meaningless numbers printed on them? When you realize this and want to give away your meaningless paper, send me an email so I can send you my address so I can help you get rid of your meaningless paper.

Whenever someone calls me “cool” I can’t tell if they are saying that I’m actually cool or that I’m a constipated overrated outcast loser.  I hate my love of acronyms sometimes.

I think school’s should drop teaching cursive handwriting and teach Japanese or Chinese writing characters so they will be able to know what their character tattoos actually say in the future.

Why is America still fighting the war on drugs?  It’s not like drugs have any oil.

There is no “I” in “denial”

Do people who claim they get high on life ever have overdoses when they have really good days?

I have heard mixed stories about how well porn pays because I’ve wanted to start my own production company. I asked a friend who worked in the industry and she said that only people who film anal sex scenes make a butt-load.

I went to the liquor store the other night and some kids asked me to buy them some beer.  I was a responsible adult and lectured them because they asked me to get them Bud Light.

I hate it when people make a big deal out of something that is small unless it’s my penis.

The fastest way to a girl’s heart is by watching King of Queens reruns and interpretive dance.

I only watch porn to evaluate the camera angles for artistic and aesthetic merit.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

My hidden agenda is that I need to find it because it’s hidden.

I can’t write swear words in cursive.

I can’t believe Michael Richards wasn’t in Django Unchained.

My favorite baseball team named after a militia that was created to raid, rob, rape, and murder Native Americans is the Texas Rangers.

I need a Harley.  All the guys I saw on Harleys today were fat slobs like me and they all had drop dead gorgeous women with them.  This one stuck out and I’m still picturing her. She must’ve been six feet tall and 5 feet of that were her legs.  I’m a sucker for long legs.  The rest of her was boobs.  I’m not a good judge of bra size so I’m guessing anywhere from D to H cup.  I think she was also a size zero.  And black hair.  I’m out of hand lotion.  Damn.

Apparently I look shady. I was sitting in my SUV eating some lunch before I went into a huge hardware chain store.  This old guy pulled up across from me in his truck. He and his wife get out and then he makes eye contact with me.  He then said to his wife, “I think I should lock up.”  He locked all the doors manually and then he double-checked to make sure they were locked.  He even locked his tailgate and truck cab window.  I was impressed.  It’s an awesome feeling inspiring fear like that instead of a cat jumping back when I pop my head around a door.

It got up to 90F here today. Tomorrow the forecasted high is supposed to only be 45F.  Just when my testicles come out for summer the vas defrans pulls them back in.  I'm glad they didn't use that line in The Godfather movie.

I was watching Netflix and found this cooking show where the chef was making pot au chocolat.  It was essentially baked chocolate pudding. I got inspired and wanted some so I went out and bought some chocolate pudding snack packs.

I told a girl that I invented life insurance.  She believed me.  I don’t think I can be with a girl who thinks I invented life insurance.

There’s something magical about going to Walmart and hearing Nickelback on the in-store radio and then hearing Creed right after.

I saw this woman crying in Walmart.  I thought I’d be a gentleman and console her.  I didn’t bother asking what made her cry so I said, “There, there, I too cried when I found out Walmart stopped carrying Frank’s Red Hot flavored Pringles.”

I bought some red, white, and blue licorice.  I have mixed feelings.  If I eat it does that mean I'm a terrorist because I'm devouring America?

I recently applied for a new job.  I didn’t get it.  I applied to be a stripper.  Apparently they weren’t ready for my act.  They really didn’t understand my dancing to “Da Da Da” by Trio.  I was shocked they weren’t blown away by my set to the music of Celine Dion.  You should’ve seen how everything flopped around when she hit those powerful notes in “My Heart Will Go On”.  I also had another dance where I stood in place and didn’t move my feet.  The song I did that routine to was “You Spin Me Right Round”.  Please don’t use your imagination.

My girlfriend wanted me to get her one of those Build-a-Bears.  It was like $50.  I thought that was a tad steep for a stuffed animal.  I just snuck into her room and tore up a teddy bear her grandfather gave her and told her to put it back together.

Have you ever noticed that on the Scooby Doo cartoon that the only real paranormal activity the gang ever encountered was a talking dog?

Why buy the cow when you can buy hand lotion at Walmart?

I refuse to pay full price for donuts because they always have holes in them.

I have no idea what the word “illuminated” means.  Could someone shed some light on it?

I can’t wait for the day on Xanga when I have posts older than my followers.

You know I got thinking. Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr have garnered a lot of popularity in recent days and many new accounts were created because the Boston bombing suspect supposedly had accounts on all those mediums.  People want to be his friend on all of those networks. It’s so weird.  Maybe Xanga could negotiate with some terrorists to use Xanga. At least they could convince Westboro Baptist members to start Revelife blogs.

I think the person who coined the term “same shit, different day” was talking about Xanga.  Wait, have I already done that joke?

Xanga is the only place where you can find people arguing about religion on a post about snowboarding.

Every time someone says some insane shit on Xanga I find myself looking for a camera so I can make a sarcastic face like on The Office.

Hey, everyone, I have this really awesome way to avoid Xanga drama.  First, don’t click on links written by people with whom you have differing opinions.  Second, don’t comment on that site.  Third, don’t recommend it.  Finally, scroll to another site preferably someone who posts positive things.  It’s just that simple and if you follow that you can enjoy Xanga and be cool.

I was talking about Xanga to my dad and he’s convinced that someone is going to come and kill me.  I reassured him that no one on Xanga leaves their rooms just like me.

Does this Xanga account make me look like a virgin?

There are people on Xanga that I think are vampires but instead of feeding on blood, they feed on attention from strangers on the internet and drama.

Listening to people gossip about other Xangans is like listening to dogs barking at each other. It’s pointless.  Get outside and get some air.

I wish people followed me on Xanga because they like what I write and not because I have a massive penis.

Is Xanga a blogging site or a communist dating site?  No one ever briefed me on this.

I hope this post motivates me to start replying to people...sorry.

the thermometer said 90 when I got home, tomorrow's forecasted high is 45.