that feeling of having nothing to live for so do whatever the hell you want...I kinda like it.

holy hell, peyote and xanga secrets taught me how much I miss human interaction.

Hey gang, the doctor determined I'm alive and human. I discovered I like pad thai

Please excuse me while I go SCUBA dive with the amount of air from this bag of chips I just opened.

Have you taken time out of your day to thank God that you’re not a Juggalo or are you just an ungrateful piece of trash?

Does anyone else feel like they’re on top of the world when they shave their balls?

There’s a reason why Cartoon Network calls their late night programming Adult Swim.  The humor is extremely sophisticated and exclusively developed for people with a high mental caliber which means only the world’s best and brightest can watch and appreciate Adult Swim.

It’s sort of messed up that four of the world’s greatest artists were named after the ninja turtles.

I think I’m going to write a book titled “The Catholic Church Created Islam to Destroy the Protestant Movement and Other Crazy Shit this One Old Guy at My Church Says”.  I’m fairly certain it would be a bestseller in some circles.

Have you ever watched lesbian porn and thought, “not with those nails, you don’t.”

In the 1800s was 10 years old so I guess you can’t really rant about sexually active middle and high schoolers and say, “kids these days”are getting worse.  Also the teen pregnancy rate was higher in the 1950s and they didn’t even have MTV promising them a lot of money and fame if they get pregnant.

I like how two of the most cited love stories are Romeo& Juliet and Titanic and both involve teenagers who knew each other less than a week so I guess there is no such thing as love.  It was either created to sell tickets to plays or movies or sell greeting cards.

Pick-up lines destined for failure: (point at crotch) “You going to eat that?”  “Are you an elevator because I want to go down on you?”  “Damn, girl, you’re a Triscut because you’re really gross and I don’t like you.” “Girl, you are hotter than a plate a waitress warns me about being very hot.”  “Your father must be an anteater,because your body is nearly ant free.”  "Sure you have scoliosis, girl but you are the hunchback of Notre DAMN!"

I want to follow Liam Neeson around in a major city and every time he hails a taxicab I want to run up and jump in before he can and then turn around and yell at him “TAKEN!”

I’ve enjoyed playing a game the last few days called “Is it thunder or someone rolling a garbage can down my driveway?”

I’m taking an anatomy class at the local extension college and I have a test coming up so I’m going to have to have you ladies send me some nude pics so I can study.

If parallel universe exist then imagine every possible scenarios of things that are happening now. That means somewhere I’m a benevolent dictator and my citizens love me.  How fucking rad is that?

If you ever feel creepy about some of your sexual kinks just remember there’s an artist out there that’s painted herself having sex with every U.S.president up to Grant.

I’m pitching a sitcom to NBC that will definitely be able to replace The Office.  It’s about what happens when a dictator from North Korea has to move into and share an apartment with a popstar from South Korea.  I’m calling it “Seoul Mates”.

There’s a new STD out there called “feelings”.  You don’t want to catch that.  There’s also another new one called “super herpes”.  You also don’t want to catch that one.

I smell sex and candy. Guess I’m never coming to this candy store again…unless it’s for sex and then I’ll definitely cum and cum again.

Why would people perform analingus?  Poop comes out of there.  Why would people perform cunnilingus?  Blood comes out of there.  Why would people kiss and put their tongue in someone’s mouth?  Words comes out of there.

Thinking about love makes me feel stupid.

Jay-Z recently wrote, recorded, and released a rap single all in a matter of a day about his recent trip to Cuba.  So if you want to show me your slides from your recent vacation you had better step it up.

John Green is basically the real-life version of Brian Griffin if he got published.

Remember that time we got high and caught that raccoon and I told you to paint it with all the colors of the wind?

I think out of all the social networking sites, Myspace is the best because I waste no time visiting it.

I hate when people literally abuse the word “literally”.

Are offline couples still a thing?

As much as some of you seem to like me, I’m almost certain you wouldn’t stand me in real life with my balding head, weirdo voice, pelvis thrusts, and hip gyrations.

How many Red Bulls does it take before you get those wings?  I’ve had 11 so far and all I’ve managed to do is bleed from my eyeballs. Oddly enough, I can now understand everything that R2D2 says.  He’s so wise. They should’ve taken his advice more often.

If you drink Red Bull and Nyquil at the same time, your brain will start showing you colors that don’t exist in the world and also deleted scenes from The Shining.

Someone called me pretentious today.  I nearly choked on my trenta decaf double chocolate chai mocha latte breve with skim soy milk.

If you drink 3 bloody marys while looking in a mirror, yourself-respect will appear and tell you to get your shit together.

Which of these rivers has the biggest mouth: the Mississippi, the Amazon, the Nile,or Joan?  The answer is Joan.

I tried this texting and driving they are warning the kids about.  No wonder they don’t want kids doing it.  It’s fun!

I bet if Dollar Tree started selling gas they’d be bigger than Walmart in a matter of days.

I decided it was time to wash my camouflage pants.  I couldn’t find them in the washing machine after the load was finished.

Do you think Sleeping Beauty had morning breath after the prince kissed her?

And now blah blah blah

Diem carped me so now I’m pressing charges because there is no way I want to be carped.

I think outrage is the only thing still manufactured in the U.S.A.

A lot of Americans were outraged that Glee did a school shooting episode.  Frankly, I could careless.  I would’ve been outraged, however,if they did a Radiohead song.

I need to give my penis a name.  I think I’ll name him “Rick Moranis”.  I picked that name because he’s short and hasn’t been in anything for quite some time.

Funniest joke of the week: I have a soulpatch.

My girlfriend and I were watching TV and we saw a commercial for The Three Stooges.  She said it looked funny and wanted to see the movie as well as some of the original Stooges’ films.  I went shopping for an engagement ring the next day.  Then the day after that I was committed to an asylum because I have no girlfriend.

Getting drunk and puking has surpassed baseball as the new national pastime.

My pastor says “YOLO” stands for “You Obey (the) Lord’s Orders” and “SWAG” stands for “Satan Watching Angry Goats”.

You have to use protection when doing anal sex because if you’re not safe a female could give birth to a politician 9 months later.

On a scale of 1 to Matt, how miserable are you feeling today?

It’s hard to believe that on April 13^th, 1996,Saturday Night Live host Steve Forbes introduced Rage Against the Machine as the musical guest.  Are any of those things around today?

I auditioned for a role on TV this weekend.  My character was supposed to comb his hair to each side.  Sadly I didn’t get the part.

If you ever run into a weatherman or a news anchor on a local TV station, is it appropriate to ask for their autograph?  How about if they are in a bathroom stall?

I like when girls wear yoga pants in public and also bluejeans and also dresses and also all other types of outfits.  I just like girls in public but get me in private with a girl and I get massively shy or massively perverted.

Would you let someone who was nicknamed “Stinkballs” in high school do your taxes at Walmart?

I’ve been watching so many British shows on my Netflix lately that I’ve developed a British accent and have started driving on the opposite side of the road.

I can’t wait until someone cares about me enough to fix me.

If a movie wins an award from MTV is it really considered an“award”?  The MTV Movie Awards show is proof positive that actors make horrible actors.

I’m pretty sure that most of the Care Bears don’t really give a shit.

Why do we allow Australians to come to America and compete at our golf outings?  It’s not like any Americans are going to Australia to compete in kangaroo jumping contests.

I hate those unrealistic movies where women are friends.

This summer I plan on using McDonald’s food for fishing.  I’ll toss it in and wait for the fish to die of diabetes.

I consider myself to be a wizard because of how many sexual dry spells I have.

I thought someone was playing a Nicki Minaj song in my kitchen.  Turns out my microwave was running.

“Reality” is just a contraction of “real” and “shitty”

It is never sandal season for people with toenails that look like Fritos.

I had a nightmare that my entire life was narrated by the guy who does all the commercial voice overs for Bravo.

Xanga is like fine wine. It gets better the more you drink.

“Xanga Crush” sounds like the worst type of pop ever.

It’s amazing that some of the things we say on Xanga today would’ve got us locked up in a mental institution and given shock treatment 75years ago.

Imagine if Xanga had funerals for when people closed their accounts.  If I ever had a funeral I could hear it now, “He posted softcore porn and photos of cats.”

Why are you on Xanga right now?  It’s not peak hours time.  It’s almost like you enjoy it here.

New Xanga motto…Xanga: It’s Only Funny When It’s a Veiled Cry for Help

My mom asked me why people befriend me on Xanga.  I told her that people enjoy watching car crashes.  She then says, “That’s great,Matt, your brother is married and has children and has a good job and a good house and doesn’t look like he’s homeless.” I am the Clint Howard of my family and I don’t have any siblings.

Every time someone closes their Xanga account, the Amish win.

I wish Xanga was like Survivor in that we could vote someone off because so many people are assholes.

It makes me sad that it always takes a giant lack of human compassion to create a giant out pouring of human compassion.

hey gang, I'm late by a day but go wish @randaness a happy birthday

I am addicted to Mad Men, 25 episodes down this weekend, nothing better to do with all the ice and snow. Is it spring yet?

Time to take the skinheads bowling, take them bowling.

it's odd to fall asleep at 8:30 and wake up at 2 covered in sweat, blood, and cats ready to start your day