I've often wondered why my Xanga contest never took off. It must've been the name.."Who wants to win a vibrator"

I tried watching Mad Men but all the cigarettes gave me incredible cravings.  GAH...I want a Lucky so bad.  When I watched Band of Brothers I think I smoked a pack per episode.  My fingers became stained this ugly brown color because the Luckies were filterless and I'd smoke them down until my fingers were getting a burn.  Nicotine and burns...then when I wasn't smoking I could sniff my fingers and get the smell all over again sort of like when I had a girlfriend.  I was thinking of doing another song facts post but I'm not because I didn't write anything in my sleep and I didn't want to force it.  But it got me thinking of songs and I was thinking of "Ignition" (remix) by R Kelly and I remembered that someone used that wonderful feature on the White House website to get a petition to change the national anthem to that song.  However it won't be happening because the petition didn't reach enough signatures in the allotted time.  I'm so upset because I was looking forward to changing up the lyrics and hopefully getting my lyrics used as the national anthem:
This is the remix to Ignition
Francis Scott Key edition
Mama wavin' that flag
Got the Foundin' Fathers up in here wishin'
Sippin' on that freedom
I'm like, so what I'm drunk
It's a freakin' eagle
Baby, we got us a Constitution

I was working out at the gym the other day and guess who should hop in the shower next to me?  It was none other than Tom Jones.  Now, there have been many rumors about the size of this guy's penis and that it was abnormally large.  Let's just say, it's not unusual.  That's for my mom.  You're welcome.  Don't you think it's time to get over your unhealthy obsession with Tom Jones?  Just because him and dad used to run cocaine in the Caribbean doesn't mean he's still in his prime.  Oh and I suppose you loved all those times when those two held all you can eat seafood buffets at gunpoint until they had their fill of scallops...ooops, I shouldn't air my family's dirty laundry.  Just disregard all of this because it's story time.

Gather around kiddies, Uncle Mateo is about to tell you the legend of Ol' One Nut.  It all started in the little sleepy town of Wonewoc eons ago.  It was a spring afternoon.  I remember it being late spring because we were running around the playground after school had let out and we weren't wearing jackets and we were on the playground trying to figure out how many days of school were left. 

We were all latch-key children and we had nothing better to do than to play on the playground.  Looking back, it wasn't directly after school had dismissed but maybe an hour or so later, just around the time parents would arrive home from work.  I didn't live in Wonewoc but my grandmother lived across the street from the school.  I was waiting for my mom to arrive so we could begin work in my grandmother's garden.

A group of us had a assembled.  There was Jo-Jo, the Incredible Hulk, Jared (who would become One Nut), Nick, the African Dream (not racist because he was born in Africa), and there seems to be a few others whose names escape me because of my old age.  I think it is also imperative that I mention that if I was telling these stories orally, I would say "parentheses". (Just for your files)

After the discussion ended about when the school year finished, we involved ourselves in a rollicking game of ball tag.  Not the ball tag I was introduced to in high school where a guy would back hand slap your testicles and say "You're it."  No this game of ball tag involved a rubber ball thrown at excessive speeds in order to make an indirect object "it".  When a person would become "it" and the ball was rolling on the ground, those who were not "it" would hurl boastful insults at the person who was "it".  In once such occurrence is when Jared became Ol' One Nut.

I couldn't tell you who became "it" but I remember that Jared jumped on the playground's tire swing to hurl his hyperbole at the person who had been declared "it" by consensus of ball striking their body.  Jared jumped on a tire swing similar to this:

I do not know these children and they are not mine.  It is paramount that you see what this tire swing looks like for my story to continue.  I will wait while you study the photo....OK, Jared ran to the tire swing but didn't sit in it properly.  He wrapped his legs around one of the chain link connectors.  Jared started with his exultant bellowing but soon that bellowing turned to cries of agony.

Jared was wearing basketball shorts and in those days when Uncle Mateo was a child, basketball shorts rarely exceeded in length below the knees like nowadays.  Jared's shorts rode up his leg and his scrotum was attached to the chain link.  He screamed and screamed.  I still hear his pain all these years later.  He couldn't get loose as we stood around in disbelief at his predicament.  Soon we began questioning which adult we should get help from.  Jared didn't want to get in trouble so with one swift movement he tore himself free.  Yes, he tore himself free.  When he had secured freedom, the blood flowed along with other things.  He grabbed his crotch and took off like a lightning bolt from his home.  None of us moved except Jo-Jo.  She went closer to examine Jared's remains.  She started crying as she picked up the remnants of Jared's testicle.  She carried it home.  Kiddies, did I fail to mention that Jo-Jo was Jared's younger sister?

Jared was absent from school the next day but Jo-Jo told a remarkable tale.  She said that when Jared arrived home he duct taped and bandaged his wounded scrotum but he didn't do a good enough job.  When their mother arrived home, she saw a noticeable amount of blood on Jared's shorts.  He began crying and Jo-Jo said what had happened and showed her mother the testicle that she had placed in a glass inside the refrigerator.  They rushed to the hospital but it was too late. 

And that is why I never play on tire swings and how Ol' One Nut got his nickname.  Looking back at it, One Nut was a mean nickname for a kid to have in high school but students were kind since One Nuts' surname is Smallwood.

I have no clue what I’m saying 45% of the time so please tread lightly.

One Direction is so lame that they make New Kids on the Block sound like gangsta rappers

I feel sorry for all the people who share the same name with members of One Direction.  I was talking to someone at a school and said, “Boy, oh boy, Harry sure messed up this time.”  A girl walked up screaming, “OMG OMG OMG ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT HARRY STYLES?” I said, “Back off you little turd, I’m talking about Senator Harry Reid.”  Maybe my One Direction tramp stamp is sending mixed signals.

In all fairness to North Korea, if my neighbor was responsible for making Gangam Style and someone living in my neighbor’s house was responsible for spreading Gangam Style, I’d want to bomb the shit out of them too.

North Korea is the world’s version of that one kid in high school that always thought he was tough and said he’d beat up the entire football team after school but doesn’t show up to fight them because he claims a teacher forced him to not fight.  I hear they are planning on launching their missiles on April 10^th but they need to find a large source of Coca Cola and a really huge Mento.  Kim Jong Un has North Korea winning his NCAA bracket because he misread North Carolina.  Sometimes I think South Korea is the normal part of a pair of Siamese twins and the deformed one learned to make a slingshot and we’ll be screwed when they realize a slingshot can’t get a nuke over here.  Maybe if we’re nice North Korea will bomb the Westboro Baptist Church.  We probably shouldn’t make fun of North Korea because it’s like making fun of the slow kid in class who poops his pants and eats crayons on a daily basis.  It’s weird because I think some wizard took Napoleon Complex and turned it into a country and that country is North Korea. Now that they’re almost done playing with their nuclear weapons maybe they can establish some basic human rights and become a big boy country.  Hahaha…we’re on the verge of nuclear war and all I can do is make fun of Kim Jong Un.

I swear to God if the meaning of life is “we accept the love we think we deserve” I’m going to go postal. I’m still thankful that none of John Green’s books are movies.

Black licorice is the Gangam Style of the jelly bean world.  Some people are absolutely insane for it and then other people want to choke the everliving shit out of it.

I’m thinking of going to see Jurassic Park3D.  I think the dinosaurs may escape this time but don’t tell me and ruin it for me. I hear the most unrealistic scene in the movie is when they are at the buffet and when the kids sit down to eat we see one of the kids with broccoli on her plate.  I also like to tell the kids in schools that when I was a kid Jurassic Park was actually a documentary that went horribly wrong and that it’s all real.

I haven’t heard anything from Honey Boo Boo in a while.  Either she’s dead or America has found a new family that they can watch to feel superior.

I hate to rain on your parade but no one likes parades.

What is Sarah McLachlan died years ago and the ASPCA commercials that feature her and her song are just three dogs in a trenchcoat.  There’s no way we’ll ever know the truth.

I find it odd that there are more snacks for my cats in my house than there are snacks for me.

When I hate someone it’s because either they’re an asshole or I’m an asshole.

Do you ever think Jared from Subway goes to the McDonald’s drivethru and asks them to describe a Big Mac while he fondles himself?

Why is it that high school bands always seem to parallel religious cults?

It’s not until they sensor out the words in songs on the radio that I remember that people are actually offended by cursing.  I think I’ve lost a few friends here on Xanga because I said “fuck” in a post.  FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

A teacher walks into a bar and a guy asks, “Can I buy you a drink?”  The teacher answers, “I don’t know, can you?”

A recent study revealed that everyone is a little bisexual but to different degrees and that I should find a better hobby than reading scientific studies.

Nicki Minaj is a perfect example of what happens when multiple personality disorder is left untreated for too long.

I was so disappointed for the first year of my life because I couldn’t walk.

I’m like MacGyver when it comes to finding nifty ways to fuck up my life.

Sex is like a drug for me in that I have to pay for it.

Do Transformers get auto insurance or life insurance?

They say you can’t force people to love you but you can if you have a voodoo doll without pants.

Fun facts about Wisconsin: Wisconsin is second for the state with the most UFO sightings.  Wisconsin is the number one state when it comes to the production of meth.  I don’t think this is a coincidence.

Have you ever been talking to a girl and you let out that she looks like an actress you admire and then you realize you shouldn’t have said it because the actress is a porn actress? Every time I talk to a girl.

I went into a Barnes and Noble looking for a self-help book for men with small penises.  I asked the girl at the counter if they had the book despite not knowing the title.  She said, “I don’t think it’s in yet.”  I answered, “Yeah, that’s the one.”

I have this disease where I want to marry every girl that is nice to me.

I often get the dollar sign($) confused for the “no snakes allowed” sign($).

When people offer me a penny for my thoughts, I counter-offer with $1million and then from there we negotiate.

Money making scheme #873: Make random Xs on the ground and hope that a lazy pirate will bury his treasure under one of them.

I was trying to come up with the next joke and one of my cats jumped on the keyboard and it said “kiiiiiilllllllllllll”.  I will never sleep again.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

I quit my job at the bank because every time I counted money my fingers would smell like cocaine and strippers.

They say you should never judge a person until you walk a mile in their shoes.  If you do that make sure you wear an extra pair of socks because athlete’s foot is nasty.

I think I am the only guy not interested in a threesome.  I guess I don’t want to letdown two women at the same time.  Then,what do you do during a threesome?  I’d probably just stand there and do jazz hands.

I asked the self-loathing windmill what he thought of windmills.  He said, “I’m not a big fan.”

My last girlfriend and I had a system.  If I was in the mood and was kissing on her,she would tug my penis once to mean she wanted to have sex.  If she didn’t want to have sex I’d have her tug my penis 50 times.

I got a Ouija board to find out if I’d ever find truelove.  It replied “H A H A H A H A H A HA.”  Obviously, it’s broken.  Oh well, at least when I’m alone, I’m only with one person who doesn’t like me.

I went on a first date tonight or as I like to call it“flushing $40 down the drain”.

I’ve always wanted to date an orphan because I’d never have to meet her parents and just think about all that singing and dancing.

I hear the Avian Flu is making a comeback.  Looks like KFC will be having a bucket sale soon.

I found some blank cassettes if anyone is interested in coming over for cunnilingus and recording music off the radio.

I went to WebMD and found out I am white.

There’s a Pulitzer Prize awarded for criticism?  And it’s not automatically given to a woman?  I guess the glass ceiling does exist.  And in other news I’ll never get laid.

If I had a ton of money I’d probably need to reinforce the structure of my house because 2000lbs is a lot of weight.

I’d like to give a girl a pregnancy scare but actually wanting to raise her child.

Acid paper always beats rocks and scissors.

Candy canes are good but gummi wheelchairs are better.  I’m still not convinced that sour walkers are worthwhile.

IF you ever wanted to watch midget porn but were too embarrassed, the first 5 minutes is usually the actors trying to hoist themselves into bed.

Once we figure out gay marriage the next step is to get women into the Hair Club for Men.

I’m pretty sure communism started with seating charts in high school.

One day I hope to be the guy in the neon pink Speedo that women point at and say, “Wow, check out that guy in the neon pink Speedo.”

I think basically all my comedy career would boil down to would be me standing in front of a group of girls wondering which one I’d pay for sex.

I saw someone spell the word typo “type-oh”.  Oh the irony!

Believe it or not but I think some people on the internet lie.

You can tell how old a man is by how close his socks are to his knees.

There’s billions of stars and galaxies out there and we aren’t exploring them because people are more worried about the Kardashians and Jodi Arias.

I think this was the first entry that I didn’t mention blowjobs.

I don’t make fun of homeless people that often because we’re all one bad Xanga post away from being homeless.

My Xanga is so dead that I’m afraid I’m missing something important on TV.

My Xanga should be rated “R” for “Radical”.  Now watch me do some insane skateboard tricks.

New Xanga motto:  Want to turn your life into an eternity of agony and suffering?  Welcome to Xanga!

On Xanga, people respect you when you share your deepest,darkest flaws.  Unless those flaws are filled with typos; then you must burn in hell.

New Xanga motto: Xanga, a place where you come to escape the assholes in your life only to be harassed by assholes you don’t know.

Whenever I post on Xanga, I imagine Slim Pickens riding it through the internet, waving his cowboy hat around, and yelling until it hits your inbox.

With all the fat hate on Xanga, I get the feeling that if Marilyn Monroe had an account here everyone would make fun of her for being fat and unattractive.

If you really love someone, never introduce them to Xanga.  If you do, they will always give you the “What the fuck is wrong with you”-look every time you see them.

I think on Xanga, I’m the little annoying kid who thinks they’re friends with all the popular people but they don’t actually notice me.

Have you ever wondered how fucked up you were in a past life that you must endure all this Xanga drama?

Xanga is sort of like Las Vegas.  You can be whoever you want to be and people will think they are more important than they actually are.

Whenever I log in to Xanga I feel like there’s drama waiting to happen.  Maybe it’s me.  Maybe I should leave this place and then Xanga would be drama free.  I think the reason there is so much drama is that we can’t sit on each other’s faces.

I sometimes feel that Xanga is a clique and I’m that weird kid who is not in any clique and thinks that I’m friends with all the cliques but they take pity on me because I’m nice but really strange to be around.  I do like to think I’m on good terms with most of you here.  Why am I getting all gushy like this?  I love you people.  You actually have done a lot more for me than you’ll ever realize.  OK enough of that mushy stuff…boobs.  Yeah, same old godfatherofgreenbay.

I normally don't do this but a protected post is up, if you want to read dirty poems let me know and I'll add you to the list.

I'm callin' out to ya
There never was a city kid truer and bluer

There's more to me than you'll ever know
And I've got more hits than sadaharu oh

Ton thumb tom cushman or tom foolery
Date women on t.v. with the help of chuck woolery

Words are flowing out just like the grand canyon
And I'm always out looking for a female companion

I threw the lasso around the tallest one and dragged her to the crib
I took off her moccasins and put on my bib

I'm wheelin' and dealin' I make a little bit of stealing
I'll bring you back to the place and your dress I'm peeling

Your body's on time and your mind is appealing
Staring at the cracks up there upon the ceiling

Some such nonsense is the bass that I'm throwing
Talking to a girl telling her I'm all knowing

She's talking to the kid to the who
I'm telling here every lie that you know that I never did

Me in the corner with a good looking daughter
I dropped my drawers and it was welcome back kotter

We were cutting up the rug she started cutting up the carpet
In my apartment I begged her please stop it

The gift of gab is the gift that I have
And that girl ain't nothing but the blue plate crab

Special at woodman's in essex mass
Educated no stupid yes

And when I say stupid I mean stupid fresh
I'm not james at 15 or chachi in charge

I'm adam and I'm adamant about living large
With the white sassoons and the looks that kill

Makin' love in the back of my coupe de ville
I met a little cutie she was all hopped up on zootie

I liked the little cutie but I kicked her in the bootie
Cause I don't kinda go for that messin' around

You be listening to my records' a number one sound
Step to the rhythm step step to the ride

I've got an open mind so why don't you all get inside
Tune in tune on to my tune that's live

Ladies flock like fish to my line
She's got a gold tooth you know she's hardcore

She'll show you a good time then she'll show you the door
Break up with your girl it ended in tears

Vincent van gogh and mail that ear
I call her in the middle of the night when I'm drinking

The phone booth on the corner is damp and it's stinking
She said come on over it was me that she missed

I threw that trash can through her window cause you know I got dissed
Your old lady left you and you went girls insane

You blew yourself up in the back of the 6 train
Take my advice at any price a gorilla like your mother is mighty weak

Sucking down pints till I didn't know
Woke up in the morning at the won ton ho

Cause I announce I like girls that bounce
With the weight that pays about a pound per ounce

Girls with curls and big long locks
And beatnik chicks just wearing their smocks

Walking high and mighty like she's #1 and
*she thinks she's the passionate one*

Hey ladies, I hoped you enjoyed #caturday and that you're having a great weekend
And, yes, I posted Beastie Boys lyrics.  What are you going to do about it?  Take away my license to ill?

tired...have to be up early for a funeral tomorrow on the other side of the state...fun times...good night

(I buy notebooks and put them all around my house so that when I have an idea I can immediately write it down otherwise I lose it quite easily.  I replaced one of my notebooks yesterday and overnight I wrote down an idea for a post.  I thought I'd share what I wrote.)

Hello, Xanga, are you working, you worthless piece of shit?  You probably aren't but I'm going to write this anyway.  When artists write songs they might have meaning and sometimes the songs have hidden meanings.  I have taken the time to share some songs for you and have deciphered the real meaning behind the songs.

1.  "Fat Bottomed Girls" by Queen

This song is about a rockstar who loves women with shapely buttocks.

2.  "Never My Love" by The Association

This song is about a conundrum the writer faced when he must decide between breadsticks and garlic bread.  He loves garlic bread and realizes he could never give up garlic bread.

3.  "The Twist" by Chubby Checker

This song is about a boy who sneaks his girlfriend over to his house when his mother left the house and his father is asleep and proceeds to teach his girlfriend how to give him a handjob and then he tries to convince her to come over more often to do "the twist".

4.  "Touch Me I'm Going to Scream pt. 2" by My Morning Jacket

Jim James followed me around for two months and took notes about my life.  This is what he came up with about my life.  If a girl touched me at present I would let out an eardrum splitting orgasmic scream.

5.  "She's Electric" by Oasis

This song is about Storm from X-Men

6.  "Daughter" by Pearl Jam

This song is about Chelsea Clinton and her growing up in the White House.

7.  "Fidelity" by Regina Spektor

This song is about Catherine the Great and how she didn't fit in because society said she couldn't love her horse.  She is driven mad and decides to teach everyone that she can have her true love.  Well she showed them in the end...specifically her end that was torn apart by her horse lover.

8.  "The Sweater Song" by Weezer

This song is about America's failing foreign policy in the Middle and Far East which explains why this song is also titled "Undone"

9.  "Heart Shaped Box" by Nirvana

Vaginas or being in a relationship of unrequited love, you know when you're in love with this girl and she doesn't like you back and she tears your heart out of your chest and stomps all over it and then drives her shitty ass Ford all over it but then you get consolation because the guy she left you for dumps her horrible ass because he sees her for the awful human she is and then she calls you up asking if you want to go out again and you want to say no but all you can say is fuck you bitch

10.  "Float On" by Modest Mouse

This is what happens after a person smokes a bunch of scorpion stingers.

11.  "The Thanks I Get" by Wilco

Jeff Tweedy followed me around for the two months after Jim James followed me around and he recorded things I said because of the condition my house was left in thanks to James and My Morning Jacket.  And then I thought that it would be a good idea if Wilco sold their music to be used in Volkswagen commercials.

12.  "Jesus Etc." by Wilco

9/11...seriously, listen to that song and tell me it's not about 9/11 but that song was written and recorded in late 2000/early 2001.  Jeff Tweedy is a seer.

Weird but I don't think this was that bad for being written when I was asleep.

If you ever feel like you’re a bad driver just remember that in 1895 there were only 2 cars in the state of Ohio and that those two drivers crashed into each other.

I don’t get how people say accents are hot.  Everyone has an accent whether you realize it or not.

My parents never gave me “the talk”.  I still have no clue where my penis goes.  I’m suspecting it’s supposed to go to Fargo.

I was sitting at breakfast the other day with a glass of o.j. and came to the realization that the best kind of o.j. is the kind that doesn’t try to kill me and get away with it.

I prefer natural girls. Girls who don’t wear a lot of make-up. Girls whose diet consists of mostly soil and mulch.  Maybe they have a deer for a steed.  Girl who still use primitive flint based weapons.  Girls who have never used alighter or match to start a fire.

The older I get the more I understand why parents put their kids on leashes.

Dr. Phil, Dr. Dre, Dr. Oz, Dr. Pepper, and Dr. Who all got their PhDs from the same school and were all roommates.

I’ve often wondered if people check my blog to see if I’m still alive.

Sometimes I think that if I sigh loudly enough that all my problems will go away.

If you plant a block of Ramen noodles in the ground and water it with Bud Light you’ll grow a frat boy or sorority girl.

I like my women like I like my chocolate, filled with peanut butter.

I think that instead of petitioning the government to do something or stop doing something we should write a diss track because diss tracks are the only thing that matters any more and they are far more effective in the hip-hop community.

Ladies, us guys only want one thing from you…your credit card number.

I wish I had Morgan Freeman’s voice.  If I did I would follow random people around narrating everything they did and when they looked like they were annoyed I’d just move on to another person.

You can’t make fun of me for the things I like because I like nothing.

Sarcasm is my romance language.  Yeah, sarcasm charms the panties off the ladies.

I’m so fat and ugly that I bet gay guys have more sex with women than I do.

I go to Burger King so I can substitute onion rings for French fries.  I go to the bar to substitute alcohol for the ability to emotionally connect to people.

When someone asks where you’re from never answer, “my mom’s uterus”.  They tend to frown on things like that.

My grandfather once told me that I should never marry a woman with large hands because it would make my dick look small when she held it.  I sure had a lot to learn when I was7.

Have you ever noticed that smelly people look like they even smell in photos?

You can tell Olive Oyl and Popeye never had sex based on how large Popeye’s forearms were.

Sometimes when I see all the empty scotch bottles, bags of chips, Twix wrappers, Skittles wrappers, and pill bottles, I wonder how I’m even alive.

I was at the grocery store and a lady informed me that my fly was down.  I replied, “Why do you think it’s down?  Why should it be so sad?  Would you like to cheer it up?”  I got slapped.

If I had to pick one day to live, I’d pick today because it feels like an eternity.

In today’s day and age the best revenge you can get on an ex is by turning them into an internet meme.

I have two stand-up gigs that I’m not so certain I’ll perform well at.  The first is at a cricket reunion and the other is at a tumbleweed convention.  How will I know they like me?

I expect more out of people than I probably should.  Is it so demanding to ask people to bring me a case of Crystal Pepsi when they come to visit me?

I’ve started making my own art.  I combine my horrible farting with glue and glitter.  I think it’s performance art but every art critic says it’s “artsy-fartsy”.

I have a feeling that if gay marriage were legalized throughout America that the number of fraud marriages would skyrocket and that single guys would marry just like “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” just for health benefits and also to get out of marrying chicks.  That makes no sense.  I need more sleep.

You know it’s funny how many people say “forever alone” and yet have love while I sit here making my stomach fat talk.

When I was with my last girlfriend she wanted me to get some baby carrots for our supper but I didn’t hear her say carrots so I came back with a baby.  She was furious because she was really looking forward to carrots.  I was upset because I was out a couple hundred bucks.

Did you know saying “April Fools” when the police come to arrest you for phoning in bomb threats will get you out of trouble?

I think the smile is a dying art.  I bet in 50 years people will make duckfaces at each other when they’re happy.

It’s awesome how much people compliment my butt.  It seems like every time I go around a corner I hear people say, “What an asshole!”

I got so drunk the other night that I got pulled over for driving my race car bed.

The closest I’ve come to making any girl’s panties wet in along time is the time I cried at Victoria’s Secret.

The doctor told my girlfriend that the baby will be coming early.  Like father, like son.  I plan on naming him Methamphetamine because he’ll do nothing more than ruin my life. Oh a girlfriend…April Fools!

Have you ever noticed that the worst radio stations have the best reception?

I watched part of the finale to History Channel’s miniseries The Bible last night.  I can’t wait for next season’s premier.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

“You’re right I ordered the Code Red!”  -Jack Nicholson after the waiter messed up his Mountain Dew order.

My TV dinner was so sad that it came with a Bon Iver CD taped to the inside.

It’s taking longer and longer for me to realize I’m in a women’s restroom.

I have nice clothes but I don’t wear them because I have no one to impress.

I sometimes wonder if Bruce Springsteen really was born in the USA.  I think we need to demand the right to see his birth certificate.

Any other struggling writers out there just remember that humans wrote the movie Manimal.

I got stuck behind an extreme couponer at the grocery store the other day.  What a fascinating hobby that I unwillingly observed for a half hour!

Can I touch your butt? Before you say “yes” I’m going to have to have you fill out this permission slip.

You know those T-Mobile commercials with the girl wearing leather?  I’d punch out my parents for just one whiff of those leathers.

Does the nutritional information on the Cap’n Crunch box include the amount of skin that is shredded from the inside of your mouth when you eat their product?  Seriously, it’s like eating shards of glass…delicious shards of glass WITH CRUNCHBERRIES!

I truly feel blessed in America where my government protects me from the evils of gay marriage so I can go and buy assault rifles because one day I may be the last thing standing between the enemy and the total collapse of America.  Sigh…it’s like my gay friend always says,“Why can’t you just call me your friend?”

I’ve toyed with the idea of signing up for the Netflix home service as well.  I’d keep the DVDs for myself and send back DVDs of me doing kick-ass karate moves.

I’m pretty sure Hitler started WWII because so many time travelers were going back in time in an attempt to kill him.

I woke up this morning and tried to style my hair and picture myself with a different haircut but said, “Fuck it!  This is the haircut I’m going to have until the day I die.”

Will losing my mind help me with losing weight?

Who wants to see my penis?

My April Fools prank this year was being nice.

I turned down free ice cream and free sex.  I must be really sick

I ate a chocolate bunny and 2 hours later I pooped it out.  It was the same exact shape but it tasted much different.

On bad days, which is most every day, any time someone talks to me it sounds like adults on Charlie Brown.

Does anyone know how to get Paas color dye out of your pubes?  I’m asking for my friend Ttam.

This chick at the bar thinks my name is Marshall Tucker and she wants to take me home so she can get my fire on her mountain.  I am so scared.

I’m like a bear but not in that I sleep for long amounts of time but because that one time I mauled a guy in the Alaskan wilderness.

I think that if the Supreme Court rules against Prop 8 and DOMA that means NBC has to bring back My 2 Dads.

I have a better shot of getting Vin Diesel to come out of the closet at my Fourth of July barbecue this year than the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series.

The Dallas Cowboy signed Tony Romo to a six year contract extension and have committed to sucking for at least another six seasons.

I’m writing a letter to my senators, is it more proper to say “massive erection,” “throbbing rager,” or “overpowering boner”? I want to sound professional.

And the police said, “The EX ratings are coming from inside your house.”

Attention people who go around Xanga correcting grammatical mistakes: you’re grammatical ability pays the bills just like all my swag does.

I’ve found that people on Xanga who claim to be tolerant of everyone and everything are the first people to give you shit and cause drama if you have a differing opinion.

I have now figured out why there is Xanga drama.  Reading comprehension is horrendous and some products of the public school system cannot read their way out of a paper bag.  Seriously, it’s bad.  I’ve heard adults sounding out words like they’re in first grade and I’ve experienced people on Xanga not being able to understand my comments even though I clearly state my position in the comment.  It’s really disturbing.  If adults are this bad, what is the next generation going to be like?  Whole language can tongue my balls.

“Thank you for stating your opinion on Xanga.” –no one

I think people enjoy watching drama play out on Xanga because they don’t have much of a life outside the internet.  Well it’s time to log into my other account and write about how Obama is the worst president ever and how Nixon was truly underrated.

I bet if Xanga tried hard enough we could make Henry Rowengartner drama.  A baseball and Xanga joke in one.  Choke on that, Derek Jeter!

Xanga is a slideshow of mental breakdowns.

Once again I haven't been around here much.  I guess life sucks and gets in the way but mostly it's because Xanga sucks.  If it's not rating system it's photos not working.  I wonder if the hamster got off the wheel.  Anyway, I didn't reply to comments on your last assignment because I think that's when I walked away because Xanga Team's silence is so frustrating.  It's like they are going out of their way to push people away. And if anyone cares and is still around...

here's your next assignment:

A.
  
   Why or why not?

B.
  
  Which would you pick?  Why?

C. 
 
  Why or why not?

Make sure you answer two of the three questions and that you answer everything in the particular question.  Answer everything for extra credit.

Get to work!

It was pretty good.

And now it's #caturday

That cat's name is "Money" because there's always money in the banana stand.

I hope everyone has a blessed and relaxing Easter.