Well it's Valentine's Day.  I bet the majority of you are out having fun and debauchery.  My voice is gone.  All I can do is whisper.  I had to take my cats to the vet for a check-up/nail trimming and that was fun because I couldn't communicate with the vet.  She insisted I go to the doctor.  Tomorrow morning at 11:30.  My wonderful Valentine's feast was frozen waffles, sausage, and Hawaiian Punch.  Now here are more cards.  Sorry I upset you with my horrible day.

So which card did I give you?

Well I hope you had a good Valentine's Day.  I may post another one of these tomorrow because they'll be on sale. 

Since I'm not getting any Valentine's this year I thought I'd share a bunch of Valentine's I've found while surfing the intertubes.

So if you want a Valentine's card from me just print one of these out and sign my name to it.  Depending on how many tears I shed and if I recover my voice, I may be back with another batch later.

I think I’m doing better because all I can think about is having a Benny Hill style sexy chase and girls coming over to pamper me, make me feel better, and sit on my face.

The real reason I’ve been gone is I’ve been pitching TV show ideas to MTV.  The best idea I had was“Appropriate Age Mom” but they said no.

This really isn’t a joke but I just heard a news report about a local university that will allow for males and females to be roommates in dorm rooms starting next year.  If people asked for this at my college I’m sure the administration would have strokes.  The only time members of the opposite sex could visit my dorm was on the weekends (Friday 7PM to midnight,Saturday noon to midnight, and Sunday noon to 6PM).  And if a member of the opposite sex came to your room you had to leave your door open.

According to my calculations and this fancy calculator, you should make out with me.

The Post Office is no longer going to offer Saturday mail service because of lack of funds.  If only they had listened to me and used my idea of LSD laced stamps to commemorate Woodstock then they wouldn’t be in this mess.

Pick up line destined for failure: “I may not go down in history but I will go down on you.”

Whenever I see someone write “rwar” I chuckle because little do they know that “rwar” means “girl, pop that pussy” in dinosaur.

The internet is a scary, creepy, dangerous domain of monsters and beasts.  It’s not a petting zoo although with a few clicks you can find some very disturbing petting zoo action.

If I were a Spice Girl my name would be Depression Spice or Trainwreck Spice.

Lately all my major decisions in life are whether I should fiesta or siesta.

You know something I noticed that’s pretty creepy.  In the nursery rhyme Humpty Dumpty, they never mention that he’s an egg.  It’s just assumed.

I have 99 problems and 300 of them are math related.

If my life were a book, right now it would be the slow part where the reader gradually becomes less inclined to continue reading because it’s nothing more than monotonous page filler.

I’m pretty sure Nicholas Cage is begging movie studios to do a movie starring him about the Super Bowl blackout.

I am suffering from a severe lack of physical intimacy.  Would you like to help cure me?

I remember when I was planning on having sex with one of my girlfriends for the first time.  It was going to be on a camping trip.  I had intense intents in tents.

I’ve always wondered why men are allowed to wear “I Love Boobies” merchandise and claim it’s for breast cancer awareness.  Why don’t women start wearing “I Love Fat,Throbbing Cocks and Giant Balls” for testicular or prostate awareness?

I’m fairly certain that Scientology is the longest running episode of Punk’d.

I put Transformers 2: Rise of the Fallen in my Netflix queue and it suggested I be sterilized and find a time traveler so I could go back in time for a better upbringing.

They say that once you hit rock bottom there’s no place to go but up.  Well, I’ve been sitting down here so long I’m hoping someone throws me some nachos and beer.

I have a feel that the reason my love life is a disaster is because I never forward those fucking chain emails.

According to TV and movies, everyone in high school is in their 20s.  No wonder the rest of the world thinks Americans are stupid.

I think most brands of dog food are better than what they serve in school cafeterias.

If I had a nickel for each time I had sex, I’d probably have to ask my pimp for a raise.

Basically what I’ve done my entire life is set people’s expectations for me so low that I’m at the point where I impress them if I put my shoes on the right foot and don’t shit myself.

Imagine the music that would be made if Adele and Taylor Swift dated and then broke up.

I’ve heard Taylor Swift songs and I’ve heard youtube videos of an elephant farting.  The elephant fart videos deserve the Grammy’s more than Taylor Swift.

The Amish Grammy Awards were held this weekend and every award was won by the Amish performer named J-Zeke.

I wish I had a girlfriend because then I’d wear underwear that doesn’t have holes in it.  Oh well,who needs girls when you have booze?

Cooties are a real thing only now that we are older we call them STDs.

Have you ever made a wish at 11:11PM and it never came true?  The reason it doesn’t come true is because I wish at 11:11AM that all the wishes made at 11:11PM don’t come true.

For Lent I’ve considered giving up on life and when I die I’d like my ashes secretly slipped into random pepper shakers throughout the world.

I’m also considering giving up auto-correct jokes for lint.  I’m also giving up on the notion that there will ever be a good Lent joke like I wonder if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.

Some day I hope to have enough money to pay Gordon Lightfoot to read all my posts to the tune of “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”.

Why does no one seem to write songs about sensible women with high moral fibers any more?

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

I can’t believe guys still are concerned about whether or not a girl spits or swallows.  Isn’t it enough that she allows you to ejaculate in her mouth?

Girls seem to freak out when I tell them I have VD.  In my world, VD stands for “voluptuous dong”.

The Olympics are getting rid of wrestling.  I knew it was all phony.  The only thing that would upset me about that decision would be if they replaced it with golf or poker.

I wish blowing on my car engine made it work like blowing on a Nintendo cartridge.

The Boy Scouts postponed the vote on whether to allow gay members or not.  I guess they weren’t prepared.

Ladies, I play the piano and guitar and I type something like 90 wpm so, yeah, I’m very good at fingering.

I can’t believe I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day when I have to clean my glasses at least three times a day because of excess eyebrow dandruff.

As far as my penis knows, I’m getting laid every single day.

All the money I’ve saved on not going on dates I’ve spent on buying myself snack food for when I get depressed.  So far this month I’ve spent $2,000 on candy.

Is gay adoption legal? I wonder how many gays I can adopt.

Ted Nugent was at the State of the Union address.  I was sort of hoping Obama would pull out a guitar and shred proving he’s much better at guitar than Nugent.  I’m also expecting Nugent to start shooting arrows and for Biden to catch them with his teeth.  I would’ve also enjoyed it if Obama’s State of the Union was simply: “The state of the union will improve when you all stop acting like little bitches and start treating everyone nicely.”  He should’v ealso had a screen behind him playing the movie “Mad Max” and every few minutes points to it and says “See, it could be worse.”

Ladies, these commercials are very confusing at this time of year.  Do you do you not want a lifesized stuffed Vermont teddy bear and a lifesized sculpture of me made of chocolate?

I feel like people are the most disappointed with me when I’m making armpit farting noises.

I sometimes wish I could send my cats to the pound to experience some sort of scared straight program when they claw up the carpet on my stairs at 3AM.

Now that the Pope has resigned I hear he’s posted his resume on Monster and is looking for jobs as a pajama model.

I think the best way to find the new Pope would be to find which Cardinal has the most stripper glitter on his hat.

Imagine what Vatican human resources would’ve done to me if I had stolen a few pens and staplers.

I wonder what Pope Benedict will do with his Twitter account now that he’s resigning.  I bet he’ll use it to post more Looney Tunes gifs.

Just once I want to cause a scene at a restaurant and then crab walk my way out.

Forrest Gump once said “Life is like a box of chocolates…”  He got the end wrong though because it’s “there’s nothing left once you share it with a woman.”

Ladies, is it hot that I stay up all night watching porn and then when I can’t sleep I lay in bed playing air guitar to The Black Keys?

I’ve found that since I can’t get a hold of any real absinthe that downing a whole bottle of Robotussin with a Five Hour Energy and a hand full of prescription pills will give you the same effect.

Just like Django, my D is useless.

How long will it be before Miley Cyrus endorses her own flavor of Kodiak?

I’ve heard people on Xanga and Tumblr brag about how many friends they have.  I have to remind them that it’s all about quality rather than quantity.  Would you rather have 50 girls sucking your dick or 10,000 girls holding your hand?

They say, “All good things must come to an end,” which is why I will never close this account.

The #1 tip for a long, happy, and successful relationship is to never get a Xanga account.

I’ve been more upset when I’ve seen my Xanga crush flirting with other guys than when a former girlfriend cheated on me.  I need help. Stop it, whores!  I love her so much that I would pee and poop with the door open so nothing could ever separate us.

You know what really wins an argument on Xanga, correcting another person’s grammar and spelling.

Isn’t it funny that people on Xanga get mad at you for posting your personal thoughts on a blog which is essentially an internet diary?

I read so many Xangans and come away thinking that they area cynical fourth grader who just learned how to swear and because they know how to use the words “fuck” and “shit” they think they are badass.

This post was Xanga funny but not “ha ha” funny.

I think people block me on Xanga because they’re jealous of my well defined triceps and excellent complexion.

on #caturday nonetheless.  This is about the first time I've rolled off my couch for something other than the bathroom, liquids, or food.  I'm looking at my hands and notice they match the color of my keyboard.  I think I'm a little better this evening compared to last night.  Maybe it was my all day marathon of Parks and Recreation.  I watched the first two seasons.  Gosh I love that Netflix.  Now I guess it's time for cats.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend. 

I have decided to forgo the Power Rankings this week and do a post I've been saying I wanted to do for quite a while.  There is always something so creepy and funny about pornographic parody movies.  I remember sitting in the high school cafeteria with friends coming up with porno parody titles.  At one point I did a lot of these posts and they got a lot of views and recently I got a lot of attention from Reddit thanks to those posts.  Well I guess I like attention so here are some more parodies. 

One of the worst trends of porn...sigh, I can't believe I wrote that phrase...has been in recent years that studios are doing much like Hollywood studios do in just making movies based on TV shows.  A lot of these pornographic titles are simply called "This isn't _____" or "______ XXX Parody".  Well here's the one for Seinfeld.  I really don't want to know why they are showing their fists.

At first I thought the guy in the blue vest was the same guy who replaced Eric in the actual That 70s Show.

I was sort of shocked to see this one.  It looks like it could be one of the weirdest movies ever.

That's sort of lazy writing.  I mean who hasn't thought that when they hear "The Big Bang Theory"?


Those are working conditions I think most of us would enjoy.

I was sort of wondering if this one they discussed sexual myths like how if you measure the length of your thumb and multiply it by two then that's the length of your penis or if you take your shoe size and divided by two and then add one it gives you the length of your penis.  Anyway...I'm in need of a girlfriend.

Well I take that back.  I suppose having a case of lust in space is better than being lost in space.

To some that is a nightmare and to others that is a dream come true.


I often wonder what The Bard thinks of having his work given the porno treatment.  Part of me thinks he'd like it and then the other part of me thinks he'd start writing his own porn versions of plays.

OK this parody isn't a parody of a movie or TV show.  It's a parody of a guy's life circling down the toilet.  I've often thought that it was only a matter of time before one of the porn stars Sheen was with released a video of their escapades.

So a parody of a video game?  I wonder if this is a first person shooter.

No...just no...no...no...no

And one for the ladies...I wonder if this is about fixing up and cleaning an apartment.

I hope you enjoyed and weren't repulsed and didn't unfriend me.

Did you know Monday was “National Shut the Fuck Up Unless You Won a Lot of Money or are a Fan of the Winning Team or are an NFL Owner Day”.  I didn’t fall into either category this year.  Oh and did you know that the reason they call a football field a gridiron is because Vince Lombardi used to punish his players when they lost to the Bears by making them iron his shirts and cook pancakes on the field.  If Lombardi was still alive and saw this Super Bowl he would’ve asked, “Is this the Super Bowl or a Lawrence Welk concert?” Dan Mario had the largest flag lapel pin so all is forgiven.  Jacobi Jones’ touchdown dance is similar to my Culver’s dance.  I really wished instead of saying “I’m going to Disney World,” someone would say, “I’m going to Valley Fair.”  I bet Tim “The Toolman” Taylor was the cause of the power outage at the Super Bowl and Al Borland was saying, “I told you I didn’t think so, Tim.”  I still have no clue what GoDaddy does other than make Super Bowl commercials.

I can’t wait for Valentine’s Day so I can have sex with myself.  Internet pornography, will you be my Valentine?

Just a few more days now until you get to hear me wallow in self-pity.

My dad told me, “If you’re alone on Valentine’s Day just remember that no one loves you any other day of the year either.”

If it wasn’t for the internet I would’ve forgotten Valentine’s Day.  Thanks a lot, internet.

Is there a romantic way of saying “I think about you when I masturbate”?

I wonder how many virginities will be lost on Valentine's Day.  I will wear my light up shoes because my virginity is hard to see in the dark.

You realize that if you were born anywhere from November 5to 10^th it’s a pretty good chance that you were a Valentine’s gift.

Essentially, my dream is to get married to a girl who has a birthday on February 14^th and will want to get married on February14^th.  This way I can knockout a birthday present and Valentine’s Day present in one day and not have to worry about remember extra dates.  And now for the serious part, I’ve had so many concussions over the course of my life that I cannot remember my own birthday. People laugh at this and think I’m being cute about not wanting to age or divulge when I was born but I honestly can’t remember.  It’s the strangest damn thing.

Did you know Valentine’s Day is known as Worldwide Singles Masturbation Day?  Well I won’t be celebrating because vodka said it would be my date.

Cupid’s arrow does exist but in the real world we call them roofies.

I spilled a box of candy hearts all over the floor but the cool thing is I picked them up one by one and wrote down each word or phrase in order and I sold the lyrics to Taylor Swift. Looks like I’m going to be a hit songwriter.

Just remember on Valentine’s Day that “love” is two letters away from “lice”.

And I realized I’m a week early for Valentine’s jokes…fuck me…really, please, have sex with me.

Catfish has totally ruined online dating for me.

Vampires have to be real if there are girls out there sucking on their own tampons.

If you think about it, the second inauguration was just a celebration of Obama keeping his job.

Porn gives young people such an unrealistic and unhealthy of how fast pizza is delivered or how fast a plumber will show up at your house when you have a leaky pipe.

I’m glad I’ve never been heartbroken because in order to be heartbroken you need to have a heart.

The best part of Facebook is all the emails I’ve received from teenage white rappers asking me to check out their page.

Pick up lines destined for failure: “We should do something cute like fuck in a public bathroom.” “Hey, sexy, nice tits.  Whoa!  Why are you so upset?  It’s a compliment.  I’m only trying to be nice to you, you stupid sow.”  “Are you a deer because I’m going to hunt you down and run you over?” “Damn, girl, do you run the Princeton offense, because you have a nice backdoor cut?”

My favorite Bible verse is the one that says you have to forward every single email or share every Christian photo on Facebook in order to gain eternal salvation.

It’s all fun and games until you fall in love with someone on the internet.

Remember that time David Lynch directed an episode of MTV’s “Catfish” and it had so many plot twists and strange shit that it made your head hurt?

My new current hobby is talking about the weather and listing all the layers I’m wearing according to the weather.

A source has reported that John Travolta has pneumonia.  They say he has chills and they’re multiplying and doctors are afraid he may lose control.

I heard it said that Taylor Swift is quite passive aggressive writing songs about her ex-boyfriends but she’s nothing like Gwen Stefani who wrote an album about her break-up and then made her ex play bass on all the songs and tour with her.

My ex says I’m passive aggressive and creepy so I broke into her house and put a dead rose on her pillow as she slept.

If only my ceiling fan could support my weight.  I’d never be bored again.

Every time I go grocery shopping I can’t help but look at all the food and think that eventually 85% of all the stuff that is bought will become poop.

It’s not drinking alone if you are online because you’re connected to millions.

I once dated a girl who was the heiress to the Saran Wrap fortune.  I ended up breaking up with her because she was too clingy

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I wonder if people ever think about me after they read my posts and say, “God, he needs to get laid.”

My last girlfriend always warned me that I should have a mole on my back checked out.  I finally went in to have it looked at and the doctor told me it was a gopher.

If God didn’t want men looking at breasts, he would’ve shaped them to look like washing machines or ovens or laundry baskets.

An automotive report found that Jewish Americans are the number one demographic for purchases of the Mercedes Benz automobile.  Man, can those guys forgive and forget?  Christians ought to take a note.

Do porn blooper movies count as romantic comedies?  If so then I love romantic comedies.

I bought some of that Dr. Pepper that is supposedly only supposed to be for men.  My manboobs are shrinking.

I really enjoy my morning wood.  It’s like my penis is really excited to begin the day no matter how much I loathe mornings and waking up and he also is excited to see me and winks at me.  It’s just too bad my last girlfriend reacted to my morning wood the same way the guy did in The Godfather when he woke up with a horse’s head in his bed.

Did you know the Nike slogan “Just Do It” was created in Nike factories from what they scream at the child laborers to make them create more overpriced shoes?

It was -15F out this morning.  I hope all the ladies I flashed at the gas station took that into consideration.

I like going to the Chinese buffet mostly because they have complimentary fortune cookies.  My last one said I had nice hair.

I once knew a guy named Khan that was so nice until anyone mentioned Star Trek and then he’d unleash his wrath.

I’ve been seeing the same Bill Murray every day at the same time since Saturday.

Sometimes I think music in America would be better if we were all afraid of getting drafted.

I think God is a genius since he created cactuses to look like they always want to give you a high five.

Say what you will about the photos of Obama shooting a gun but the absolute worst thing is that he revealed he tucks his t-shirts into his jeans.

Tennessee teachers are required by law to inform parents if they hear someone isgay.  I hope Homework and his family are ready to deal with the onslaught.

I saw a smart car sitting at a coffee shop, sipping on Earl Grey tea, and reading The New Yorker yesterday.

I’m fairly certain one can turn a ho into a housewife simply by taking the ho and adding “usewife” at the end and yeah, I’d like to use my wife.

I need a little luck in my life so I went to the gas station to buy some scratch-offs only wearing a belt.

The ladies call me “The Sump Pump” because when I come around their downstairs dry up.

I always know a girl thinks I’m ugly when she tells me her favorite position is doggiestyle.

If you ever see me struggle trying to find the end of a roll of tape then you will know that I don’t know how to properly pleasure a woman.

My dancing has been described as “Does anyone here have an EpiPen?”

The U.S.military said the decision to allow women to serve in combat wasn’t a slam-dunk decision but it was more of an awkward two-handed lay-up.

I’m pretty sure the fighting style Capoeira was invented on accident by a guy trying to suck his own dick.

The only way to do wrong on Xanga is to tell people how to use Xanga.

Smart Xangans seem like crazy Xangans to dumb Xangans.

I think the majority of Xanga drama starts when two people are going through substance withdrawal at the same time.  There really are emotionally unstable people here on Xanga.

Saying I have a Xanga crush is so immature so I’m going to step up my game and make her a mixtape and get her a promise ring.  I was going to send her a mold of my penis so she could practice hacking it into small pieces because I tend to have that effect on women.

This is Xanga.  Nobody is winning or losing anything.  If you made someone laugh, smile, or think today then your job is done. 

There is a fine line between “things I post on Xanga” and“things I tell my therapist”.

Xanga friends have ruined and improved my life.

but I won't.  And now it's #caturday

I hope everyone is having a good weekend.  Who do you want to win the Superb Owl?

The last one of these I did was on January 11th?  Has it really been that long?  Ugh.  I guess depression really makes time fly or something like that.  Hey, have any of you heard of this thing called Netflix?  I set it up last night because I couldn't sleep.  Well I definitely didn't get any sleep after that.  I watched the first season of The League and then I discovered all the episodes of The Andy Griffith Show and The Wonder Years.  I doubt I'll be at Xanga any longer because I have so much Netflix to watch.  Well time for the round-up.

Tom Selleck turned 68 this week.  I've heard a lot of ladies love Tom Selleck and they really dig his chest hair.  This intrigues me because nowadays guys are trying to avoid that look and shaving the chest.  So ladies, shaved or a forest?

Michael C. Hall turned 42 this week.  I've grown to love his acting but then I've really only seen him on two shows.  It's hard to believe that this fall will be the last season of Dexter.

Do you remember a person named Shakira?  Do you remember a while back when I wrote about how this person named Shakira was pregnant?  Well Shakira gave birth to a baby boy this week.  The baby weighed 6lbs and 6oz and was named Milan.  Weird because his dad is a professional soccer player for FC Barcelona and I think AC Milan is one of their rivals.  I don't know much about the sport of grass dive soccer but I think I remember they said that on the 30 weekly seconds of soccer coverage on ESPN. 

Now for some real football.  Sorry grass dive fans.  Dan Marino was one of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history and the star of a Hootie and the Blowfish video and when he was passing he was always looking for broken coverage.  Well broken coverage isn't something you want in a condom.  Dan admitted to fathering a child with a co-worker at CBS Sports.  The child was born in 2005 just a few months before Dan was inducted into the NFL hall of fame.  Dan released a statement: "I take full responsibility both personally and financially for my actions now as I did then. We mutually agreed to keep our arrangement private to protect all parties involved.  My wife and I have been married for almost 30 years and have six children together. And we continue to be a strong and loving family."  Dan had agreed to pay her millions to keep the child out of sight and Donna Savattere moved to Texas to keep the secret child on the hush hush however she started telling her friends that Dan was the father.  Well word spread and boom.  I was trying to figure out what Dan would owe in alimony and child support for 7 kids but my penis detached itself and ran away.

Porn legend and body hair spokesmodel, Ron Jeremy, had a heart aneurysm and is now in an intensive care unit on a respirator.  I won't lie, when I had a headline saying Ron Jeremy was in the ICU I was expecting for a whole different reason given his career.  He was a teacher who quit teaching and has starred in something like 1700 porn movies.  He's 59 years old and on Wednesday felt a heaviness in his chest so he drove himself to the hospital.  When does the nurse come in and give him a blowjob after she takes her glasses off and shakes her hair out. What? She's also wearing lingerie under her uniform? And what's up with the pizza delivery guy? How did he get in there?  I know the first time I saw a Ron Jeremy film he did something that because he's gain a lot of weight he can't do anymore and it made me very inadequate.  Oh the things we learn from porn.

Carole Mallory is an actress/model who was in a few movies in the 70s but is best known for kissing a few dudes and then talking about it.  She once wrote a book about her 8 year relationship with Norman Mailer and now she's releasing a book about her encounters with Robert DeNiro and Richard Gere.  She met DeNiro in 1975 and they had a two week love affair and DeNiro didn't take off his socks: "During lovemaking, he never stopped looking in my eyes. He had a butterfly tattoo that I later realized matched his flighty spirit. So did the fact he left his socks on. The following year he married Diahnne Abbott . . . I would have appreciated a phone call."  Socks and a butterfly tattoo?  Robert DeNiro was ahead of his time, he was a late 90s trailer park slut in 1975.  I hope that is a tramp stamp.  Carole also wrote about Peter Sellers "socks": "I kissed him all over his hairy body. He had hair everywhere. He even had it on his back. I liked it. He reminded me of a giant panda bear."  And she talks about how Richard Gere rode her like a pommel horse: "His gymnastic skills were apparent. He made love his way . . . He didn’t withhold. He was Valentino in the flesh. A sex symbol not to be forgotten. Not to be lumped in with all the others, but to be remembered for his uniqueness. His thoughtfulness. His caring."  I wonder if Gere covered his hands and his gerbils in powder before they did the deed. 

OMG Paris Hilton was totally spotted looking all hot at the opening of a brand new nightclub in L.A.  Wait a second...she wasn't a club but at an airport getting ready to depart on a flight?  I forget she was that big of skank to dress like that just to go to the airport.  I usually just wear sweatpants for my rubdown by TSA just like how I wear sweatpants to the strip clubs.

You know the weather is above 50F when Mariah Carey walks outside with exposed skin.  That's an even better weather indicator than that stupid groundhog.

Since he's been acting since he was a teenager and has no concept of what a real job is, Leonardo DiCaprio said he is taking a break from acting.  I guess standing where someone tells you to and saying the lines someone else wrote is tiring.  He has filmed three movies in two years so I guess that's a lot of work.  I also forgot to mention all the Victoria's Secret models he's banged his way through in that same time period.  When Bild asked him what he planned on doing during his break Leo said, "I would like to improve the world a bit."  Yes, one of the sexiest men in the world wants to take some time off to improve it a little bit. That is obviously code for impregnating as many supermodels as possible, because if there is one thing that will make the earth a nicer place it is dozens of incredibly beautiful babies. Thank you for your selflessness, Leo.

A while back I wrote about how a former assistant was suing Lady Gaga because Gaga worked her like a Chinese kid in a Nike factory.  Jennifer O'Neill claims that Gaga owes her $400,000 for 7,000 hours of overtime.  The New York Post got a hold of Gaga's deposition that was submitted to the court and I can't believe she'd talk like that in court.  Her head was firmly shoved up her ass and her cunt monster came out to play.  When asked about Jennifer O'Neill: "She's a fucking hood rat who is suing me for money that she didn’t earn. She’s just — she thinks she’s just like the queen of the universe. And, you know what, she didn’t want to be a slave to one, because in my work and what I do, I’m the queen of the universe every day. Are you going to stare at me like a witch this whole time — honestly? Because this is going to be a long fucking day that you brought me here.  She knew exactly what she was getting into, and she knew there was no overtime, and I never paid her overtime the first time I hired her, so why would she be paid overtime the second time? This whole case is bullshit, and you know it.  I’m quite wonderful to everybody that works for me, and I am completely aghast to what a disgusting human being that you have become to sue me like this. Because she slept in Egyptian cotton sheets every night, in five-star hotels, on private planes, eating caviar, partying with [photographer] Terry Richardson all night, wearing my clothes, asking YSL [Yves Saint Laurent] to send her free shoes without my permission, using my YSL discount without my permission.  One of the biggest problems I had with Jen is that I felt like she didn’t enough lay out all my stuff for me [while traveling]. There is 20 bags and there is only one me, and I can’t sift through everything. She would only open a couple of bags, and it was very stressful for me because then again on my off days I couldn’t really have a day off because, you know, I weigh 115 pounds, and I was trying to move these huge, big luggages all by myself in the room, and I did it all the time — by the way, she was asleep until 12:00 most of the time, so I was very often waking up and moving my own luggage and doing shit by myself, and it was — it was a problem that I had.  It is, like, such an amazing luxury that I get to travel the world and have planes, she doesn’t even see what a luxury it is, but she thinks it’s owed to her for no reason. [I took my employees to a] beautiful $3,000 meal that I paid for [at Spiaggia in Chicago]. They were on their day off, and they all just wanted to be with me.  ou don’t get a schedule that is like you punch in and you can play fucking Tetris at your desk for four hours and then you punch out at the end of the day. This is — when I need you, you’re available. An eight-hour workday could still be a very difficult workday, you know, if you’re digging ditches or, you know, you’re, you know, putting sealing on a roof, you know. I’m not in any way discounting how hard an eight-hour work day can be, or discounting the role of an assistant. I do six shows a week, and I make a lot of money. I work, I work 24 hours a day. I’m not standing next to Steve holding tea, waiting for him to take a sip, that is not what I do.  I’m going to give all the money that she wants to my employees that work hard for me now that deserve it. I’m not going to give it to her so she can go to Intermix and buy herself a new tube top."  Ego and meat dresses are a hell of a drug.

When I first saw this photo I thought, "wow, Selena Gomez sure has let herself go."  Then I realized that that isn't Selena Gomez but some random and probably underage Justin Bieber fan.  He groped this fan at a meet and greet in Miami.  We now have photographic evidence that Bieber has made it to second base.  I'm sure it's only a matter of time before he's burying his first dead hooker.  Kids grow up so fast.  I'm thinking this may just be a hug that went horribly wrong. 

Selena hasn't let herself go and was spotted pumping gas this week on her way to the recording studio.  The only thing is she's not too good at pumping gas.  That's why she needs a big old fat guy to pump her gas for her and all he asks in return is that she scratch his back and call him "Big Rudy".  What?  You don't have sexual fantasies?  Is that how we pump gas these days?  I haven't put gas in my vehicle for a few days now so I was wondering if pouring gas on the ground is how we pump gas now.  It's a good thing she broke up with Bieber because had he been there he would've dropped a lit joint and that place would've been lit up like the Fourth of July.

When Jim Nabors played Gomer Pyle on The Andy Griffith Show and Gomer Pyle USMC his character was always a bungling fool and messing things up.  I could imagine a sitcom these days and it would be Gomer Pyle bumbling around and somehow marrying a guy and then Barney Fife would be hurriedly reaching into his shirt pocket for his only bullet to load his gun to show Gomer he meant business and ask why he didn't marry him.  Well anyway Jim Nabors got married this week to his partner of 38 years.  He had this to say: "I'm 82 and he's in his 60s and so we've been together for 38 years and I'm not ashamed of people knowing, it's just that it was such a personal thing, I didn't tell anybody. I'm very happy that I've had a partner of 38 years and I feel very blessed. And, what can I tell you, I'm just very happy.  It's pretty obvious that we had no rights as a couple, yet when you've been together 38 years, I think something's got to happen there, you've got to solidify something. And at my age, it's probably the best thing to do."  There was a rumor that Nabors married Rock Hudson in the early 70s but Nabors always denied they were married.  I wonder if after they were wed and the officiant said, "You may now kiss the dude" if Gomer said "WELLL GOLLY!  SHAZAM!"

Jennifer Lawrence was on the Jimmy Kimmel show this week and she said she was drunk and admitted to having uneven breasts.  Is that supposed to be a deal breaker?  Are you trying to turn me off?  It's not working and uneven breasts won't matter when I have you bent over.  God I am so alone and suddenly I realize why I haven't done these.  I end up making sexual advances on photos of celebrities.  Well I guess it's better than making sexual advances at Xangans...unless you want me to?  If you do, send me a text.

This may be the best story I've read in some time.  I think Jason is in a competition with his twin brother Jeremy in a game of "Who can screw up the most and have the weirdest story written about them".  A year or so ago his brother Jeremy claimed he was kidnapped and forced to smoke drugs and then drive his captors around buying them guns, liquor, and more drugs.  He was kidnapped but he did admit to voluntarily joyriding with his kidnapper and eventually he made it on to Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab.  Now it's Jason's turn.  Jason got drunk in a bar in Scottsdale, AZ and sneezed in a bouncer's face.  The bouncer asked for an apology and Jason apologized by throwing a punch at the bouncer's face.  Here's a tip, if you throw a punch at a bouncer expect to be beat up and this is what happened to Jason.  He was dragged out of the bar and he had has ass kicked in the process.  Police and paramedics were called.  The paramedics were going to take Jason to the hospital because his eye was horribly swollen but he started throwing punches at the paramedics.  London called one of the cops a "fucking hillbilly" and he was then put in cuffs for being a trainwreck aka disorderly conduct/fighting and assault.  Jason then didn't use his right to remain silent.  The police reported him saying: "Guess what faggot? I fucking love this. I fucking own you guys so hard. I'm rich and I'm a motherfucking famous actor! Fucking look me up, bitch.  It smells like shit in your car and your breath smells like diarrhea."   According to the police report, Jason leaned to his left and crapped in his pants and said, "I told you I'm happy as shit."  Of course when he sobered up and had access to Twitter he said everything was a lie and that he was jumped by 3 250lb bouncers because some guy sitting next to him thought he was hitting on his wife.  He also said that we should have faith in him and that the truth will come out.  I hope the truth comes out easier than the shit stains in his pants.  All Jason's wife said was that he does act like an asshole when he drinks.  Where is COPS when you need them?  That would've been awesome to see.

This next story doesn't surprise me and I'm expecting a few others just like it.  Heidi Montag and her douchebag husband Spencer Pratt once made excess of $10million because Americans are fools and now they are broke because they expected the world to end on December 21st.  In 2010, Spencer declared for bankruptcy and sold their mansion and moved in with his dad so they could save money.  They made $10million but they spent it all deliberately because they were certain the world would end.  Here's how they blew it: "We made and spent at least 10 million dollars. The thing is, we heard that the planet was going to end in 2012. We thought, we have got to spend this money before the asteroid hits. Here’s some advice, definitely do not spend your money thinking asteroids are coming. But the world didn’t end.  I would give my friends $15,000 for their birthday. Just cash. I would buy people cars. Every valet I met got a couple of hundred dollars tip. I would pay people $200 just to open doors for us."  I'm not gonna lie, the History Channel made me think the world may end and a friend of mine tried to convince me that on December 22, aliens would activate their DNA they secretly implanted in us. I guess what I'm saying is it's probably a good thing I didn't have ten million dollars.  Now I think this explains why Heidi is doing hosting gigs at strip clubs.

I sort of like Eva Longoria's support of Barack Obama.  I'd like to show her how I can bring together both sides of her aisle and show her how I speak softly and carry a big stick.  Basically I'm saying...SEX!

Daniel Day-Lewis has done over two dozen movies, has two Oscars, travels all over the world for his job, and probably gets people asking for his autograph in public.  But since he rarely does movies back to back his children had no clue he was an actor.  He said this: "Some actors work back to back because they have to, and I completely respect that. If financially I found my family needed me to do that then I would find some way of doing it. Thanks be to God I haven't been put in that position. I may be very uneasy - truth is I'd probably sooner go and try and find work in the construction crew than make films back to back."  And speaking of construction: "[My three sons] didn't even know what I was doing until a couple of years ago. In fact, my 14-year-old boy was asked what I did and he said, 'I think he's in construction'. That's how much they know!"  Does he not have TV, internet, or newspapers in his house?  Do his three sons live in a dungeon with no sunlight?  How could you be a teenager and not know this is your dad?  I DRINK THEIR MILKSHAKE!  Well maybe they thought he had lots of jobs.  I bet during the 90s when he came home with cuts and black eyes that they thought he was an ex-con turned boxer.  I bet during the early 2000s when he grew a curly mustache and spoke with a strange accent and carried around a butcher knife that they thought he was an old timey butcher.  Then recently when he grew a beard and wore a top hat I bet they thought he was the 16th president of the United States.

Brandi Glanville used to be married to Eddie Cibrian who dumped her for Leann Rimes.  After she gave birth to their second child, Brandi asked Eddie if he thought her vagina was OK.  He told her it was OK and then he dumped her.  Well she got the last laugh: "I would ask Eddie from time to time if my vagina was the same after childbirth. He always said yes, except once. He was actually quite vulgar. I decided that since Eddie ruined my vagina for me, he could pay for a new one. A week after the vaginal rejuvenation surgery, he was on the phone screaming, 'What the fuck cost you $12,000? Did you get a nose job?'I responded simply, 'Yes. A nose job.' And I hung up."  So what exactly is vaginal rejuvenation?  I'm picturing reupholstering and maybe adding some tuck and roll and maybe new car scent.  Does she have to put it on display in the showroom?  I'm so confused.

It's been a slow news week and I decided to include this since I'm a fan of Storage Wars.  Arnold is now in a sex scandal that is a few decades old.  A photo of a young Arnold performing a sex act was found in a storage unit that was once owned by Penthouse magazine founder Bob Guccione.  Other items rumored to have been found in the storage unit were nude photos of Madonna and Lauren Hutton as well as a report written by Guccione about why he decided to publish nude photos of Miss America Vanessa Williams.  Man if this was 1984 this would be a major story and I'd probably go down to the mall to buy a jean jacket and some snap bracelets and see what cassingles I could find for my walkman.  Is that Darrell bidding?  YUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!

I was going to write this story a while back but decided to save it for a different time.  Well Lindsay got herself fired from the movie The Canyons.  The writer Bret Easton Ellis didn't want her on the project but the director Paul Schrader insisted but he told Lindsay she'd only be paid $100 per day plus profits and had to film a four way sex scene along with having no say in decision making.  Lindsay agreed but was fired when she didn't show up to rehearse with her co-star porn star James Deen (behind her).  One of the producers showed up at Lindsay's hotel to tell her she was fired and this was all caught by a writer from the New York Times who was following the production of The Canyons.  Here's a bit written by Stephen Rodrick: "Pope finally reached Lohan, telling her she was done. Lohan began to cry and begged for another chance. Pope told her that Schrader had made up his mind.  Lohan headed for the Orlando. She pounded on doors until she found Schrader’s room. As she banged on his door, she texted him manically. Schrader could hear her crying but wouldn’t let her in. He texted her instead.  “Lindsay, go home.”  The hotel manager rang up to ask if he should call the cops. Schrader told him no and sat down on his bed. Lohan stayed out in the hall sobbing for another 90 minutes before she finally left."  Schrader gave her another shot and said if she screwed up again she was done.  Guess what...she screwed up again.  Lindsay wanted to go to lunch with her assistants and this made the director and producer quite nervous so they made a co-producer drive her and her assistants to the restaurant.  Here's what Rodrick wrote: "A few hours later, the production broke for lunch. Lohan announced she wanted to grab a bite somewhere on the Pacific Coast Highway. This concerned Pope and Schrader — they could monitor her only as long as they could see her — so they dispatched the co-producer, Ricky Horne Jr., to chauffeur Honig, Lohan and her assistants to wherever they wanted to go.  Horne drove them down the hill, pausing at a security gate. That’s when his passengers did a jailbreak, jumping out of his car. Honig frantically pushed buttons until the gate opened and the four of them dashed for Lohan’s assistant’s car. Horne sat, baffled for a moment, before heading back up the hill and briefing Schrader. The director was furious.  “O.K., she’s lost the privilege of leaving for lunch. She stays here.”  Lohan returned, only 15 minutes late, emerging from makeup to an angry Schrader."  Then she filmed a scene with Deen where he grabbed, tripped, and body slammed her on the floor.  Lindsay was terrified and everyone complimented her on her acting and she gave credit to her father Michael: "Deen came to life; throwing the negligée-wearing Lohan hard to the ground and pounding his fist into a wall with such fury I wondered if he had broken his hand. Lohan lay slumped on the floor, her hands guarding her face, shoulders shaking, tears pouring down her cheeks. Between takes, she listened to Ryan Adams’s cover of “Wonderwall.” After three shots, Schrader said he was satisfied, and Lohan fumbled for a cigarette. She headed downstairs, and someone complimented her work.  “Well, I’ve got a lot of experience with that from my dad.”  She didn’t elaborate, and no one asked."  Then Lindsay filmed her four way sex scene with James Deen and two other porn stars.  After the shoot she drove home drunk: "A few minutes later, Schrader yelled cut. The crew packed up. Pope went to check on Lohan. He noticed that she and Gavin had been drinking, which was understandable for a young woman shooting a sex scene with three porn stars. Quietly, Pope told Lohan that he could get her a driver to take her home. But she refused, jumped into her Porsche and headed down the dark, narrow road toward the P.C.H. They all hoped they would still have a lead actress in the morning."  It's a fascinating read and here's the whole thing.  This needs to be a reality show.  It's a really long article but treat yourself and give the whole thing a read. Lindsay threw a fit because she was being out-acted by her porn star costar. She drove drunk and stayed out all night with Lady Gaga until half an hour before her call time. She disappeared for days on end, and even when she made it to the set would make runs for it in the middle of filming. And all the while she's talking about how much she loves work and it's the best. And everyone around her is telling her how talented she is, including the reporter himself. This is why she thinks she'll win an Oscar one day, because her cracked-out insanity rubs off on the people around her. 

Also, even though she's an international prostitute Lindsay is having money difficulties...duh.  Lindsay has been forced to live with her mother Dinah who almost lost her house to the bank.  People close to Lindsay say she is flat broke and can't afford to rent an apartment anywhere and she wouldn't be able to pass a credit check or pay a security deposit.  Lindsay is a 26-year old white girl who lives at home with her enabling mother who lavishes her with constant praise and enables her poor life choices? You'd also think that someone who is so "destitute" would take any money they could get their hands on.  Well this is Lindsay Lohan and because everyone is telling her what an amazing actress she is Lindsay won't settle for any small parts even though hardly any studio would hire her because of her work record she has turned down ABC's offer to appear on Dancing with the Stars.  She turned down $500,000 because she doesn't want to do reality TV.  Please, that bitch hasn't known reality since she was in the Herbie movie.  I bet the only show she'd get offered an appearance role is now Washed Up Stars Blowing Dudes for Cash.

I guess now that she's single, Taylor Swift is trying to catch a new guy by putting her goods out on display.  Some people are claiming that after her break up with Harry Styles, Taylor decided to get the ultimate revenge...breast implants.  They say she went from an A Cup to a B Cup and their proof?  They claim her breasts appear to be larger.  That is some deep investigative report and the kind that is making me consider to go back to school to study journalism.  She also has gotten back at Harry by signing an endorsement deal to pitch Diet Coke.  How does this hurt Harry?  His band One Direction endorse Pepsi.  I'm sure that her decision to endorse Diet Coke doesn't have anything to do with the fact that Harry pitches Pepsi.  Another story which Jenny A who has that horrible bacne and always wears spaghetti straps told Chelsea who has horrible split ends and sits next to Jenny in Mrs. Macgruder's English class told Ashley the whore who totally gave Brooke's boyfriend a handjob at the New Year's party thrown by Tim told Star Magazine that whenever Taylor kissed Harry she felt sick because she claimed that he kissed like a snail.  I would love to know how Taylor knows what kissing a snail is like.  I once got drunk in high school and was locked out of the house were I was staying and I saw a bunch of snails on the sidewalk as I was walking to sleep in the hayloft in the barn but I never thought of taking one up there to make out with it.  There are so many rumors going around as to why they broke up. I've heard about how their careers were keeping them apart and she couldn't trust Harry because he supposedly cheated on her and of course he kissed like a snail and now the mother of all break-up stories has come out.  A source told the National Enquirer that the reason Taylor dumped Harry is because he isn't circumcised.  She thought the uncircumcised penis was gross and begged him to have the surgery.  He asked her not to bring it up but she poked fun at his foreskin and kept asking him to undergo surgery.  Do girls really care that much whether or not a penis is or isn't wearing a turtle neck?  If we get the job done, who cares?  Guys, would you get cut if your girlfriend of just a month or so asked you to get cut?  Taylor has said that all the stories written about her the past couple of years are all lies and if you believe them then you're a stupid fucking asshole.  OK maybe that wasn't a direct quote.  She said this on a Spanish TV show: "People say that I'm buying houses all the time that I'm not buying. It's like every time the press thinks I like a guy, they say I am buying a house next to them. And also they think they know what I'm getting people for Christmas, which they don't. I was thinking when I saw that one (rumor) that if they actually got it right I would be so sad because they would have blown my Christmas present, but they were all wrong."  I think after Kanye West interrupted her she's been on a quest to find a bigger dick than Kanye and just hasn't found it and she's also looking for a guy that will protect her from a collar popping douchebag like Kanye but then she's dated more douchebags with popped collars than there are in the Abercrombie and Fitch catalog.  Also she really needs to tone down the stalkerish behavior.  Buying a house next to the guy you want to date may come off as a tad desperate.

Well I hope everyone has a great weekend.  I hope you enjoy this.  If you did, leave some eprops and give a rec.

A long break from these posts...well I hope you enjoy.

1.  I think one of the best things in comic books is the crossover which is when one series crossover to another series.  One of my favorite comic books is the G.I. Joe and Transformers crossover.  Well here are some crossovers that almost happened. #5 and #3 would've been awesome.

2.  I enjoy reading alternative history.  This is history that explores "what if" situations.  One of my favorite books is called "The Man in the High Castle" and is about what America would've been like had the Nazis and Japanese won World War II.  Well here is a list of 7 possible alternative histories.  #4...there was a fake documentary I saw a few years ago about what America would've been like had the South won the war.  It was called C.S.A.: The Confederate States of America.

3.  Remember my love for wikipedia lists?  Well here is a list of common misconceptions.

4.  I enjoy Zach Galifinakis.  Well that's about it so here are 20 Zach Galifinakis gifs.

5.  I went to a college that didn't have fraternities or sororities.  I talk about my frat but it was just a bunch of guys that got together and drank beer and fucked shit up.  We did have the bb gun and fireworks club which met in the basement of a house.  Anyway, here's an article about sorority rush week.

6.  Remember the good old days of the 90s?  Here's a way to reminisce with photos of things from the 90s.  I was reading recently that when FOX debuted That 70s Show it would be like today if they debuted a show about the 90s because that same time period has elapsed.  OR they could just start reairing Full House episodes.

7.  I forgot to include this one in 2012 so here it is.  It's the Bulwer-Lytton Award which gives an author an award for the worst sentence opening a novel.  If you don't want to click the link here's the winner: As he told her that he loved her she gazed into his eyes, wondering, as she noted the infestation of eyelash mites, the tiny deodicids burrowing into his follicles to eat the greasy sebum therein, each female laying up to 25 eggs in a single follicle, causing inflammation, whether the eyes are truly the windows of the soul; and, if so, his soul needed regrouting.

8.  Here's a list of the 100 best young adult novels.  I'm surprised at a few of those novels in the top ten.  I dwon't say which because it will unleash pretentious hell on my blog.

9.  Do you want your own MST3K bots?  Well here are directions on how to construct them.  I have a summer project.

10.  And you thought maybe this week he wouldn't kiss The AV Club's Ass.  Well you thought wrong.  Here's an article about The Office's plans on what to do with the unaired pilot for The Farm.  I'm fairly certain that was why there were two episodes this evening and why one of them introduced so many people close to Dwight.

11.  This site is called Cute Roulette.  You click on it and you are given a random cute video from youtube.  Good luck.

12.  I found this site on Tumblr called Undead Teds.  They appear to be the perfect gift for Valentine's Day.  It's just too bad they are limited in quantity.

Tattoo time

I think you'd need a few of those to get a Four Loko tattoo.

The force is not strong with that tattoo.

Is there any other way to live?

While that is an amazing tattoo I wouldn't want it because I bet that guy gets asked daily if he would lend a person his pen.

Snooki with a black eye...Snooki on a typical Sunday morning.

Why...that's quite classy.

I wonder how many people have acquiesced to that tattoo.

Great tattoo or greatest tattoo?  I should probably go enjoy some milksteak and raw jelly beans.

So do you turn her sideways and use your penis as a bow?

That's right, never don't give up.

Say cheese!  Wait I don't think he wants to take my photo because that's Ansel Adams.

Well that's shitty.

Well maybe someone's but not mine.

Tunicorn?  Unipac? Tunipac Shacorn?  My brain hurts.

Yes, I think so.

The Midwest has been experiencing some weird weather for the past week.  Last week we experienced subzero highs with windchills in the -20F range.  Then it warmed up and snowed.  Then it warmed up even more and all the snow melted and we had flood warnings.  Then on Sunday we got hit with an ice storm and then it switched over to snow and then it warmed up and switched back over to ice.  It was like a snow sandwich.  It was extremely difficult to shovel.  Most schools in my area were closed on Monday.  Then it warmed up and boy did it warm up.  Tuesday we had highs in the 50s.  That's so weird because just a week earlier it was like -5 for a high.  Well the "heat" caused melting and more ice and fog.  This was no ordinary fog, it was freezing fog.  Most schools in my area were delayed or closed once again.  Then last night it snowed and the snowstorm was thundersnow.  We got 7 or 8 inches.  Schools were closed today.  The temperatures are dropping and currently it's 13 and it's going to continue dropping.  Friday they are forecasting a high of 5.  Who knows, maybe a hurricane will descend upon us from the Mississippi.  I wouldn't say it's impossible given the roller coaster weather we've been experiencing.  Anyway I decided I'd share these powerpoint presentations about Wisconsin that I found on Tumblr.

The one about Germany is interesting because the building that looks like the German building is a restaurant in my area and I believe one Xangan has admitted to eating there.







Don Gorske



I did a vlog a while back featuring the interesting names of Wisconsin towns.

I've been feeling like that for some time now.

OK time for me to quit acting like a little bitch.

Time to tell the world what I feel.  Have a great night...except you and you know who you are.