Your pasta story is not as good as mine because mine involves a bowl of spaghetti that gets possessed by the spirit of Babe Ruth and becomes the new home run king. And then there's a fusili sculpture of Jerry Seinfeld that gets sat on by George Costanza's dad and then I eat a bowl of penne and it reminds me of my childhood and it causes me to write a story that over the course of 1500 pages becomes apparent it's not about my childhood but about the tragic passing of time and I called the book "Remembrance of Things Pasta". But then Lee Marvin orders a bowl of linguini and I had to bring it to him and he accuses me of bring him spaghetti. He knocks the bowl to the floor and overturns the table. As he storms out of the restaurant he knocks over tables and throws chairs on the wall and slaps other patrons on the back of the head. One such patron was named William Rose who turned his experience into an album title.

But that is so outlandish that it's im-pasta-ble.

I thought xanga was back and alive when I saw I had 35 comments. They were all spam.

The last time someone asked me to come to a party they said I should bring something so I brought a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets. I no longer get invited to parties.

I hate it when I burn the roof of my mouth but that’s ok because the 1st floor and basement of my mouth usually go unscathed.

I’ve heard they are set to release a bunch of J.D. Salinger books now that he’s dead. I bet the first one will be a biography of Van Halen.

Life is a very complex “Choose Your Own Adventure” book that ends the same way no matter what adventure you choose.

Bruce Willis will always make action movies because you know what they say about old habits.

The last time I went to a doctor she asked me if I exercised and I said, “Kinda.” She checked the “no” box on the form. Not all of us can run two marathons every weekend like you, you fascist cow.

Lately, I’ve felt that it isn’t a real car ride if I don’t hear “Blurred Lines” about 54 times.

“Blurred Lines” is a catchy song in the same way “Ring Around the Rosie” is and then you are shocked when you find out what it’s about and never want to sing it again until you hear it on a Kidz Bop CD.

Robin Thicke should’ve called a foul on Miley Cyrus at the VMAs since he was dressed like a referee.

If you think all boobs are supposed to be big and perky with nickel-sized nipples then you have probably never seen one in real life because boobs are diverse as all hell.

It’s strange how the Obama family’s first dog is named Bo. B.O. is the president’s initials. I wish I could be that vain and name my next pet MW or MEW.

Instead of shaming people for farting in public we should praise them for their courage and bravery.

Every day between new episodes of Breaking Bad is stupid and pointless.

I love how people equate marijuana with enlightenment because the most profound thing I ever thought of was a Sigmund Freud moment when I deduced that babies must suck their thumbs because of a desire for oral sex. I also thought Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” synched up pretty good with “Who Framed Roger Rabbit”.

I wonder how much “crime” is just people wanting food, healthcare, and a place to live or to copy something they saw on TV.

I find it strange that it’s OK for the government and police to listen in on your phone conversations but if I listened in on your phone conversations, especially the ones to you know who, I’d get thrown into jail.

I was saddened to see people back to school shopping and still buying Angry Birds merchandise.

Please play with my penis and not my emotions.

I went to an after hours clinic. I was hoping there’d be more hot wings and beer and less sick people.

Dogs can see ghosts. Dogs hate vacuum cleaners. Therefore vacuum cleaners pick up ghosts and trap them. Your mind is now blown. I ain’t afraid of no ghost.

I was watching Shawshank Redemption and I started wondering how long it would be before they made a remake. I know it would be stupid but has that ever stopped movie studios? I have a feeling it’s been suggested but got shot down. I reckon they’ll make a sequel first. I bet Andy will get mixed up with a drug cartel and cooks their books and gets hooked on cocaine. Then they hatch a plan on how to kill the boss and take over the cartel. It will also deal with how Red sees that the outside has changed Andy drastically. I see the movie ending with a shoot-out and Andy will scream, “Get busy dying, bitch.” Red will reply, “I can’t die. I’m too busy living.” Then Andy dies. I really need to get laid.

How come they make all this stuff from Star Trek but we have no TARDIS? At least can I get a sonic screwdriver?

Joey Fatone is the announcer of Family Feud. Well there is at least one thing One Direction has to look forward to.

The other day I checked my bank account online. While it was loading I did a drum roll and shouted “BIG MONEY! BIG MONEY! BIG MONEY!” It didn’t work just like it doesn’t work on game shows.

Most every school district in Wisconsin started today. This explains why there was a shortage of mimosas in this state.

I was at the bar the other day and angrily told my beer, “I wish I knew how to quit you.” Apparently the more I drink, the more outdated my pop culture references get.

Rumor has it that Bryan Kranston will be playing Lex Luthor in the Superman sequel which means he’ll probably be able to make kryptonite with a 99% purity.

Ben Affleck is also rumored to be the next Batman. This means that the new Bat signal will be a photo of Matt Damon.

So you’re saying if I get a tattoo on my face I’ll never have to work another day in my life? SOLD!

The NSA collected thousands of emails in 2011. Just for the record, that email I sent to Lady Gaga was written ironically. I’m too pretty for jail.

I had so much work to do this weekend but then Netflix.

If you’re not yawning at church then you’re probably yawning somewhere else.

My dentist told me I needed a crown and I replied, “I know, right?!?!?!”

Eating raw Pop Tarts is the closest I’ll get to sushi.

A lot of people overestimate my ability to make comments about my abilities being overestimated.

I bought a pair of Siamese cats and was disappointed to find out they weren’t even connected.

My current relationship status: people tell me I have an awesome personality.

I just ate 6 fun size Snickers bars and, boy, did I have fun.

One day I plan on telling my kids, “When I was a kid MTV played music videos, there were seeds in watermelons, and Michael Jackson had a normal face.” Also when I have kids and when they’re born if people ask me how much they weigh I’ll tell them their weight in metric tons. “Godfather Jr. weighed .00032 metric tons. I’m not really sure how much that is in pounds.”

“Dueling Banjos” would be more enjoyable if it was two hillbillies beating each other senseless with banjos.

When Jesus said, “Do not cast your pearls before swine,” I think he was saying that jewelry should be worth less than bacon.

I’m toying with writing a police drama set in Iceland. The cop will go to a lady’s door and knock. “Ma’am, there’s no easy way to say this but your husband fell into volcano Eyjafjallajökull.”

I had a student say he wanted to become a teacher just like Indiana Jones. WHAT A MORON! They didn’t give me a whip when I became a teacher.

I wonder if a car’s parents freak out when it gets a bumper sticker.

I bet the other people in the village are all like, “Where are the Indian, the police officer, the cowboy, the construction worker, and that one army guy?”

If I had to parallel park my SUV during the American Revolution, I would’ve mowed down the British army all by myself.

People usually lose me at “you had me at”.

Bathrooms by pools are a nice touch but completely unnecessary.

My mom said she got new luggage. I started crying. She asked me why I was crying. I said, “Oh I’m just case sensitive.”

I was talking about my old fashioned phones and my little cousin asked if a rotisserie phone was hard to use. I said, “Oh yeah, a phone covered in sauces and spices roasting over a heat source, it was extremely difficult to place calls, shithead.”

I think my kindness is about as convincing as Homer Simpson’s combover.

I miss the days when a guy had to ask a girl’s parents if he could take her out, where a girl could be beautiful wearing a skirt below the knees, when the bubonic plague decimated villages throughout Europe and left a third of the population dead. Recommend this post if you agree.

I have said that people who don’t like macaroni and cheese should burn in the fiery pits of hell but when I tell girls that I don’t like the bun hairstyle that suddenly makes me an oppressor of women whose penis should be cut off.

I think the most useless comment a person could make is “It looks like it’s going to rain.” If there’s a big black cloud in the sky what else do you think it’s going to do, molest your pets? Steal all the food from your cupboards? Finish your math homework? Program your VCR? It’s going to produce precipitation of some sort and it’s nothing noteworthy.

Is it normal for one of your testicles to be larger than the other two?

I always got so hungry when I was in Earth Science class because the teacher always made the Earth sound like a dessert when he talked about the earth having a solid center with hot layers and a thin crust.

I had my MP3 palyer on shuffle and it went from a Tori Amos song to a Macho Man Randy Savage song. I think this is telling me that my spirit animal is a sheep that likes to do flying elbows off the top rope.

Have you ever noticed that when you get older you enjoy things you hated as a kid such as naps and being spanked?

Why do people brag about not reading? That goes to show that you just have a sillinggolinagollingbeenman…just to see if anyone is reading. But seriously do you want people thinking you’re a dullard because you think it’s cool not to read?

Have you ever had to tell someone “shut up” and then they replied “make me” and you were tempted to shove your dick down their throat?

“I love Big Macs and I will eat them all the time. I don’t give a McFuck.” -The guy from Wisconsin that’s averaged eating two Big Macs a day since 1972. The first day he had a Big Mac he enjoyed it so much he ate 8 others. Don Gorske is a legend.

Why aren’t pro-lifers trying to ban vasectomies? That makes more sense than all the bans on birth control.

Some day I hope the good people at Trojan Condoms buy the naming rights to a baseball or football stadium. Couldn’t you hear the announcers, “Welcome to the safe and snug confines of Trojan Condom field, a field where the home team isn’t guaranteed to let the other team score.”

Pick-up line guaranteed for failure: Hey, baby, are you a scientist? I want to do you on a table periodically.

I think you should send me some nude pics so I can tell you how disappointed your parents will be.

Given how politically correct we are becoming, it’s only a matter of time that making fun of someone for being stupid will be called intelligence shaming.

I was thinking of making a new Xanga account but SwedishMadePenisLengtheningPumps is not a valid username.

I’m pretty sure Xanga has made me a more open-minded person and at the same time a more judgmental person.

I’m not always sure what we accomplish on Xanga except angering others or making me feel stupid.

Some of the filthiest Xangans are also some of the nicest. That’s a plug for you to think I’m nice and not your average run of the mill asshole.

You don’t have to like me here at Xanga. I’m on your computer screen and not in your life unless you consider Xanga to be your life. If that’s the case, you have major problems.

When people say they love my posts I imagine they actually pity my lonely existence.

I’ve blogged about my life, opinions, and feelings and sometimes I get death threats so that’s a pretty good indication to Xanga’s concept of blogging. God bless you, Xanga 2.0!

So this is my first post. This is strange. Who do I contact to see if my donation went through? I'll have to screw around with this to figure out how to do stuff.

how do you know when someone replies to your comment?

My joints don't really work any more. I guess it's time to find a new dealer or think about getting replacement surgery.

My schveltz is filled with schpoinkis

Jesus...cultural icon...dj...homeboy...movie star...athlete?  So I was recently and reluctantly surfing the worldwide web and I happened across a catholic goods site that sells inspirational statues for children.  They are athletic statues of our Lord and Savior.

Here we see Jesus teaching kids how to hit a hanging curveball.  I wonder if Jesus pitched for the Chicago White Sox and refused to hit an opposing batter with a pitch, would Ozie Guillen pull him out of the game.  Probably not, because Jesus would give Ozzie a sermon on the mound and teach Ozzie that the meek are blessed and not the blood-thirsty hate-filled managers of the American League.

Jesus is playing soccer.  Afterall, it is the most popular sport in the world.  Many Americans, mostly NASCAR fans, would probably be upset with Jesus for playing soccer but Jesus doesn't headbutt people like Zidane.

Here Jesus is running a relay race.  I wish Jesus was my track coach way back when I was able to run.  He is the Son of God so how fast is he?  I'm sure he is exerting no effort keeping up with these kids and he is only wearing sandals, but the question still remains...how fast was Jesus?  Some things the Passion of the Christ just did not answer.  Maybe Mel Gibson can make a sequel to the passion and incorporate a sequel to White Men Can't Jump and add a dash of Schindler's List...he could call it...Jews Can Run but Not Malibu because Mel Gibson Runs Malibu.

I always thought hockey was about fighting and losing teeth.  Apparently not when Jesus is your coach.  It's strange but no one seems happy in this statue.  Maybe Jesus is focused on his return to the NHL where he can square off against his archenemy Satan...Miroslav Satan that is formerly of the Boston Bruins.  Here he is...oh he looks evil!

Tennis, anyone?  Well, sure, anything for Jesus!  Did you know the only time I've been in love is when I play tennis.  I bet few will get that.

Jesus presents Swan Lake

Jesus is playing golf with a girl.  Jesus doesn't discriminate even if "GOLF" stands for "Gentleman Only Ladies Forbidden".

Kung-fu Jesus, omnipotent Sensei.  I wonder if Jesus would teach me the Five-Point Palm exploding heart technique.

Jesus the downhill skier.  Wow!  I've heard it gets cold up in the mountains but Jesus warms everyone with his love.

Extreme sports Jesus!  Isn't there something in the Bible about putting God to the test?

Jesus the gymnastics coach.  I can't see Jesus being as mean and hateful as the United States gymnastics coach that calls his scrawny gymnasts fat to get them motivated to win the gold.  With Jesus you are always a medal winner. 

Give up the rock, Jesus!  Ha ha...I used to play that joke on my cousins when I was taller and they were shorter.  It was always fun to see them get frustrated at me for holding the ball in the air higher than they could reach.  Maybe this is just the tip-off.

Jesus playing football the way it was meant to be played...on the ground.  Jesus knows the running game is what football is all about and here Jesus is running the option to perfection.  How can you tackle our Lord and Savior?  You can't because Jesus will either run through you, juke you, or pitch the ball. 

So don't think I am going to hell because I thought this collection was different in a unique way and wanted to add some good-hearted Christian humor to the statues....oh who am I kidding?  I'm going to hell because I thought these statues were the strangest thing I've seen since this:

Say goodbye to your ribs because you’re about to be tickled to death.

The first rule of toddler fight club is there shouldn’t be a toddler fight club.

I’ve decided to start home brewing energy drinks.  All it takes is some high fructose corns yrup, rat poison, and a shard of meth.

Worst song to get a lap dance to?  The theme song from Sanford and Son.

I’m thinking of naming my first child “Hey You” because I’ll never forget its name.

They always say, “Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.”  I say opinions are like assholes so you better watch what you say when you’re in prison.

There’s something magical about masturbating while wearing Harry Potter glasses and a wizard’s robe. There’s also something magical about having sex with your boss.  Too bad I’m self-employed.

I’ve found that the best way to hypnotize women is to do jumping jacks naked.

I had a hot piece of ass last night.  I’m thankful my meat market sells donkey.

Have you ever stayed awake at night wondering if Satan’s name really isn’t Satan and that there was a typo and it’s actually Stan?

It’s always amazing to me that when I first started using the internet my parents always told me to be careful of strangers but strangers on the internet seem to care more for me than people I know in real life.

A man walks into a baa and the sheep apologizes even though he has no clue how the man had a physical interaction with his speech when it is not a somatic object.

I may do things that are unspeakable but there is never anything I can do that is unblogable.

I remember psychology class in high school and when we discussed Oedipus complexes a girl said she thought she had that.  She was later diagnosed as a hypochondriac.

Every time I see the word “vegan” I think it says “vagina”and I get all anxious only to find out it’s going to be someone berating me because I’m human and partaking of typical human behavior and I don’t value animals over human beings.

I’m not sure what the difference is between a hotel and a motel but I’m fairly certain it has to do with the price of the hookers standing out front.

Ladies, the best compliment a guy can give you is a boner.

There are a lot of things I don’t regret but one of those things isn’t getting “Mary had a Little Lamb” stuck in my head today.

I hate when people in Wisconsin say that winter is approaching therefore they need a boyfriend or girlfriend to keep warm.  Come on, get a fucking coat like the rest of us single people.

I was shocked when I heard most circuses beat their elephants.  Here I thought they beat all their animals.  Why do the tigers get offso easily?

I admit it.  I use emoticons but I do it just to make sure my writing isn’t misinterpreted as being sarcastic.  jk lolz XD

I feel doubly alone lately. I’m single and I think I’m the only person who owns a Bob Marley album that doesn’t smoke weed.

I may or may not sing “Call Me Maybe” at karaoke in the style of Snarf from Thundercats.

The thing I hate most about politics is that if you legitimately care about your country and want to help it but the cutthroat nature of it prevents you from doing jack shit. And this is because of both sides bickering.  The only thing they all agree on is getting pay increases.

I sort of want to be in a reality show.  And by that I mean I’d like to have a show about my life and not be in the cast of one of those Jersey Shore “did you piss in my food” type reality shows.

What if you met a girl on the internet and you fell in love with her and then when you met her in real life you learned that she was really a butterfly who had spent the past few months flying from key to key in order to win your heart and then the butterfly convinced you to reciprocate the love?  Would you crush the butterfly with a flyswatter or with your bare hands?

I watch a lot of commercials and I notice that whenever someone uses hair conditioner they move in slow motion.  I use conditioner all the time but I never move in slow motion.  Maybe it’s because I’m fat and am already slow or maybe I haven’t quite gotten down lather, rinse,and repeat.

I think my only hope at this time to fall in love is to find someone who is deathly afraid of dying alone and propose a contract of marriage and then…BOOM…no longer alone.

99 cents for a bag of Skittles?  You almost caught me, Walmart.  I know there is this thing called sales tax.  Welcome to Obama’s America.

Why is it called a hamburger if there’s no ham in it?  I could totally be an 80s comedian but I’d need a mullet and shoulder pads in my shirts.

Whenever I hear someone talk about Bible verses I think they’re saying “versus” so I start thinking of the Bible vs. Mike Tyson.

When you can’t find a parking space in a parking lot it should be called a parking little.

A friend of mine got a job writing sheet music for a movie soundtrack.  When he told me I said“Score!”  He laughed uncomfortably.

People with big Eggos are waffle people.

Look, I’m not saying you NEED to or HAVE to but if you ever need to dump a dead hooker’s body, Arizona is the best bet.

Since when is a thesaurus not a dinosaur?  IF we told kids they were then they would use them more often.

I think what would heal all America’s ills is a bill that would require all pornos to include the line “Do you want fries with that,” after every money shot.

American may be falling apart politically and financially but at least we have the most swag.

How can anyone hate animals? I don’t get it.  Well…except platypuses.  Those things are creepy and shit.  Fuck platypuses.

Sorry I haven’t been getting these out.  I’m just too horny for blogging.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

All I want in a relationship is cuddling, making out,watching Netflix, rough sex, and to be left alone while I watch ESPN or read.

Love is essentially an addiction to another person and if Dr. Drew and science have taught me anything it’s that addiction is never a good thing.

I just heard some disturbing news.  Brace yourselves.  There are no longer any toys at the bottom of cereal boxes.  I know.  This is awful.  Kids should just hurl themselves off the nearest cliff because their childhood is obviously ruined.

I just saw a movie trailer with Vin Diesel in it that wasn’t a Fast and Furious movie.  I am so confused now.  It’s a remake of a movie that Vin Diesel starred in years ago and Vin Diesel is playing the same character in the same role with the same lines. GIVE HIM THE OSCAR NOW!

Never underestimate the power of boobs.

People sometimes inquire about my sexuality.  I guess it’s best described as “I want to kiss girls and totally get drunk and dry hump but no one wants to kiss or dry hump me. What the hell is wrong with you assholes?”

I love checking my text messages to make sure I keep having none.

Did parents have to pay tuition to send their children to Hogwarts?  Or was there an underfunded and ignored public magic school that never got talked about?

I remember the first time I was exposed to incense.  I went into a hippie shop and asked what thatsmell was and they said incense.  So I bought some and when I got home my mom asked what that smell was and since I just learned I mispronounced it and said incest.

My dad hated me as a child. He’d make me stick my finger in the light socket as a form of punishment and then he’d say, “You’re grounded now.” He always kept current with forms of torture.

Is a blowjob really asking for much?  Apparently it is if you’re at Burger King.

I get so upset whenever I hear that Blurred Lines song.  It’s not because I hate the song it’s because whenever I hear it I’m expecting to see a 1970s sitcom about an African American family struggling to make ends meet.

It’s way easier remembering the name of people’s pets than their names.

I’m not a mourning person. People die all the time.

The closest Burger King to me is sort of like Cheers.  The only thing is there are more mentally challenged people and crazy homeless people hanging out there and then I’m Norm.

I saw a beautiful girl on a Razor Scooter and wear Crocs.  I’m questioning everything I know and believe right now.

What’s the difference between sex and gender?  One of them is a sin.  Sorry ladies. That joke brought to you by the He-Man Woman Haters Evangelical Foundation.

People think it’s dangerous that I wear headphones while I ride my bike in the country.  If they only knew that I listen to mp3 loops of traffic noise and sirens.  It sure beats the sound of nothing and the Amish.

Why don’t they make Playboy a 300 page book so us guys can call it a romance novel?

I don’t get why women get offended when you ask them their age and get angry when you forget their birthdays.

Any pizza is a personal pizza if it murdered your family and you’re seeking revenge.

I’m starting to eat healthier.  I no longer lick the cheese off the wrapper on my fast food burgers.

Since I’m fat I like to pretend to get drunk after one drink so people call me a lightweight.

Remember when Xanga was fun? No?  Good!  You’ve freed yourself from the lies.

It seems like everywhere you go people look for reasons to shit on one another and I know it’s not exclusive to Xanga but it used to be so obvious here.

The most disgusting thing I’ve seen on Xanga are posts that say, “If you’re friends with ______ or ______ then you can’t be my friend.”  WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU, FUCKING EIGHT YEARS OLD?!?!?!?!?  I’ve seen kids on playgrounds act more civilized than that. I’ll do you a favor and block you so you don’t have to worry about any of my friends being icky for you.  And besides that, if you are so “open minded” why are you only wanting people to have one belief?

Xanga is a playground for psychologists.

“You know what we need more of on Xanga?  Drama.” –No one. Ever.  Knock it off and grow the fuck up.

New Xanga motto: “Xanga is a place where people express their opinion and others claim they don’t give a fuck but they write rant after rant against the person’s opinion and they still claim not to give a fuck and no one seems to really pay attention or care.”

New Xanga motto: “Xanga: Do you have a social disorder?  Are you socially awkward?  Do you have no friends other than your household pets?  Is online dating your only option?  Do we have a site for you?  Come to Xanga and be a star.”

AOL is in talks to purchase Xanga.  They want to merge so all their users can have one place to gather.  This will double the amount of users to 48.

What did annoyingly opinionated people do before they were allowed to reply to posts, pulses, and comments on Xanga?

If Xanga didn’t exist, what would you be doing right now?  I bet it would be masturbating.

I’m actually really glad I am a Xanga user because there is no greater joy than knowing someone is willing to listen and readily laughs at some of my dumbest thoughts.

ok I see how it is

so about xanga 2...how do you participate if you didn't pledge?