August 5, 2010

  • Questions with the Godfather and his Cock 8/4

    It's been a long break from writing this post with my pet rooster, Cocky McCockburns.  Cocky got into a bit of a scuffle last week.

    Me: Care to tell our readers about your fight, Cocky?
    Cocky:  Shut up.
    Me: Come on, surely you can share with all of our loyal readers?
    Cocky: SHUT UP!
    Me: But, Cocky, you are such a prominent figure here at Xanga.  You're more popular than myself and people are calling for you to start your own blog.  Please share with these readers what happened to let them know how awesome you are.
    Cocky: Shut the fuck up, you barrel-assed bastard!
    Me:  Well if you are going to be mean about it, I won't have you tell them.  I'll just go to the video footage.


    Cocky:  Oh god!
    Me: Well, what happened?  Did that dog make a real man out of you?
    Cocky:  It was very traumatic.  Leave me alone.
    Me: Alright, Cocky...are you ready to answer our reader's questions?
    Cocky:  MAKE IT STOP! 
    Me: And now a word from our sponsors...

    Questions with the Godfather and Cocky is brought to you by:

    Fighting Cock Bourbon. 

    Fighting Cock Bourbon is aged for 6 years in oaken barrels to make it a classic 103 proof bourbon and giving it a smooth and robust flavor.  The brand name reflects the proud, passionate, independent spirit that the Fighting Cock bird embodies. Indeed, during World War II, a fighter squadron adorned the cowls of their planes with this proud but fierce emblem. Fighting Cock is a hallmark of Heaven Hill's fine Bourbons.

    Me: Hey, Cocky.  Why didn't you fight off that puppy?
    Cocky:  It wasn't a puppy.  It was fully grown and by fully grown...you're making me cry.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    So my neighbor is the president of the Home Owners Association and is on a power trip. He likes to rant and rave about stupid shit and makes me want to stick a pen in my jugular. How do I avoid HOA president or make him scared to talk to me? Any suggestions? By the way, he is a misogynistic prick who obviously is lacking self esteem to be in a position without pay and take it so seriously.
                                               Suzanne in Suburbia
    Me: It's always hard dealing with difficult people.  Have you ever had to handle a cock that has had too much whiskey?  Thank god, we got new sponsors. Politely tell him that you do not share his views and are offended by his misogynistic comments.  You should not worry about offending him with your comments since misogyny is an archaic thought process and dead attitude.
    Cocky:  Suzanne, here's what you do.  Put up a chicken coop in your front yard.  Paint it pink and put it on wheels so it is easily movable.  When the president comes knocking on your door to spew his woman hate, dump a bucket of melted marshmallows on him and then follow that with a bucket of bird seed.  Your chickens will descend upon him and his screams will be drowned out by your and your neighbor's laughter.  Your trial should be speedy.  The defense will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are insane since you took the advice from an advice column that is co-authored by a cock.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    I am back in the dating game. I was fixed 25 years ago, and have not had to don cover in decades. I walked into a drug store the other day, and was blown away by the selection of condoms. hat's the difference, and do they still work the same way?
                                              Snipped in Soldiers Grove
    Me: Wow, I don't know how to handle this question because I, myself, am not a member of the "Neutral Milk Hotel" club.  I have debated that but decided against it.  Since I was in a vow of celibacy I was out of the condom game as well.  I have been told to stay away from the lambskin.  Wish I could help you better.
    Cocky:  You just HAD to say "BLOWN away" huh, funny man. I'll take care of the jokes thank you very much. I, of course, cannot relate. I have no need for such sheaths of insecurity as I don't worry too much about getting anything to make it shrivel and whatnot. I may start a new line of condoms as novelties for my ilk, however. Possibly... hmm. PECKERS. The shit part is I would probably tear them up trying to get them on. Talons and beaks are not friends to condoms.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    You two seem to get along so well.  How do you keep your relationship so exciting and vital?
                                              Curious in Cazenovia
    Me: Well we do have an exciting relationship.  We always seem to find ourselves in new adventures.  I think the reason we get into more trouble than those Duke boys from the Dukes of Hazzard is that on occasion I allow Cocky to lead me around.
    Cocky:  I lead you around?  If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't go anywhere.  I am the brains in the operation.  You know what I like to do for fun to keep things exciting?  I like to drink copious amounts of whiskey and watch him try to handle me. 

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,

    Why can’t girls have fewer hormones and more whore moans?

                                        Moaning in Monroe

    Me: This is the type of question that can only come from Formspring

    Cocky: I don’t understand that either.  In my experience all they do is fucking complain or fuck and then complain.

    Me: I guess this is why I never get on top blogs

    Cocky: And it’s also why so many people have blocked you


    Dear Godfather and Cocky,


    I just moved in with my girlfriend and I found out that she owns albums from Jimmy's Chicken Shack and Puddle of Mudd. Where should I bury her?

                                        Bad Bands in Bangor

    Me: Well I am sure there are music albums in your catalog that one would consider horrible.

    Cocky: Yeah I still want to leave you because of that Shaquille O’Neal album.

    Me: He was popular at the time and I was a stupid white kid who wasn’t ready to make the jump to Dr. Dre.

    Cocky: The only threat I feel from Shaq is when he gets that look in his eyes that says “Must eat chicken.”  But to answer the question, you're gonna have to bury her in the back yard, but in a spot close to the house. Then you lay a slab of cement over the grave and build a sweet porch. A porch where you have cook outs and you and your bros laugh at how your ex had shitty taste in music.


    Dear Godfather and Cocky,

    If you were to die in an epic battle what song would you go out to?

                                        Music Nut in Nutley

    Me: Good question.  I think I would want to go out to something rocking and something rare just like my life.  Maybe a cover too.  I am going to have to go to the studio to ponder this one.

    Cocky: “All that She Wants” by Ace of Base or “Wake Me Up Before You Go” by WHAM


    Dear Godfather and Cocky,

    Sometimes when I look at chickens, I think to myself, "If an egg can fit in there, why can't I?" Is that wrong?

                                        Chicken Lover in Chilton

    Me: Well cocky here’s a question for you.

    Cocky: Dear Lord, get us off Formspring

    Me: Answer the question!

    Cocky: If you stick your cock in a cock there’ll be a tear in the space time continuum.

    Me: What about dogs?

    Cocky:  Shut up, you fruity-assed milk licker.


    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    Guys, I know you like to drink and I know you can help me.  See I have been pulled over a few times under suspicion of drunk driving.  While I have never gotten a DUI, I'm scared.  The cops sniffed around but they couldn't smell anything.  I love drinking and I love driving.  I can't give up one or the other.  My question is, how do you beat a field sobriety test?
                                             Drunk in Drummond
    Me:  Well there is no fail safe method and that has been proven by the Mythbusters.  Don't drink so much or if you drink get a designated driver.  You could be risking your own life on the road and the lives of other motorists.
    Cocky:  Pussy.
    Me: Hey, how much did you have to drink when that dog raped you?
    Cocky: Nothing but that's beside the point.  Now to answer the question...what you do is when the cop comes to the car, and asks if you've been drinking, you say, "Hey, fuzz, do you think a drunkard could say the alphabet backwards?"  And then you say it backwards.
    Me: Cocky, that is easier said then done.
    Cocky:  Well let me teach your readers how to say the alphabet backwards.  You want to memorize this so spend about 5 minutes a night practicing and you should also be drinking.  These are easy because you learn them in groups.  The first step is that you say the first three letters in a row...ZYX.  Then the next group of letters you think of the ugliest two states in America, West Virginia and Utah.  The postal abbreviations are WV and UT...so ZYX...ugly states WVUT...next is the longest and you think to yourself "there's our cue to pee on Martin Luther King".  It would be SRQPONMLK.  So ZXY...ugly states WVUT...there's our cue to pee on Martin Luther King SRQPONMLK...next is you are so happy you dance a jig but you mispell it because you're drunk JIHG...ZXY..Ugly states WVUT...SRQPONMLK..dance a JIHG...you're on your way to freedom and you're riding the federal expressway so FED...ZXY ugly states WVUT...SRQPONMLK...dance a JIHG...on the FED...and you think the worst or best thing to happen to the NBA...CBA.  So ZXY...ugly states WVUT...SRQPONMLK dance a JIHG...driving on the FED...basketball CBA.  And now you are free from a DUI.
    Me: Oh my god.
    Cocky:  That's what I thought when a cop in the Reno's sheriff department taught me.  He taught me before he asked if I had been drinking so I got out of a ticket.

    Me: Hey, Cocky.  I've been mean to you this week so I thought I'd share something DikDoktor sent to us.

    Cocky:  Dad! My dad really was a superhero.  Thanks, Godfather.  I won't peck your eyes out while you sleep tonight.
    Me: Well that's a good thing.
    Cocky:  If you ever post that rape video again, you lose your eyes.

    OK, I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.

    If you have a question for myself or Cocky you can either email here at Xanga or at advicewithcocky@gmail.com or ask us over at Formspring.  And just so you know, I do not condone drunk driving.

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