August 14, 2010

• Celebrity Round Up 8/13

  Friday the 13th lived up to the hype around here.  Around 5:30 this morning my weather radio went off telling me that my area was in a thunderstorm watch.  That didn’t bother me so I went back to bed.  At 7AM the radio alarm announced that we were in a thunderstorm warning and then the thunder and lightning began.  It was an awesome show.  The rain was heavy.  They are saying that all day we’ve had about 6 inches of rain.  The rivers, streams and lakes are flooded and we are expecting more rain tonight.  I’ll have to get some photos I took posted later this weekend.  On to the round up…some photos may not be safe for work or for life…NSFW and NSFL
  
  This is the album cover of Weezer’s next album titled “Hurley”.  Rivers Cuomo says, “We struggled super hard trying to come up with an album title, trying to find some kind of phrase that summed up the whole aesthetic behind the album: ‘Heavy Mental,’ ‘Smaller Than Life.  I was coming up with all kinds of stuff, but ultimately, we just went with some random word that doesn’t really have anything to do with anything. I just loved this photo of Jorge Garcia — it just had this amazing vibe. We didn’t want to do a fourth self-titled record and we knew people would refer to it as ‘the Hurley record’ even if we left it without that title, so we just called it ‘Hurley.’ No words are on the cover because all we wanted was his amazing face.”  Sadly, no songs are about LOST.  Also Rivers never saw the series until he met Hurley.  If you ever get a chance to meet Rivers Cuomo, you should tell him how the series ends since he’s still making his way through.  I’ve only seen bits of one episode and that was the finale.  If you want to hear the first single called Memories…click here.
  
  Based on these photos of Vanessa Hudgens, I’d say L.A. is extremely cold in the summer.  Either that or her breasts have a staring problem and can’t get enough of me.  I also love the strategically placed “Enter” sign.  If I must.
  
  I’ve been criticizing Taylor Momsen in the past few weeks, but I now have some respect for her after she took Perez Hilton (not VaneDave’s attempt to be Perez) to the woodpile on Twitter.  Perez thought it’d be funny to suggest a special dildo for Taylor after she claimed that her best friend was a vibrator.  This is what he suggested.  She Tweeted back: “wow, are you actually referencing fisting a 16 year old girl? If you add this to tweeting Miley’s panties I’d say enjoy jail”.  I have to say, I respect her.  It was once suggested that I do a Celebrity Round Up lambasting the celebrities of Xanga, well I won’t but I’ll let you write your own joke here.
  
  Snooki has come out and said that she doesn’t diet because she has to have too much fun.  That will probably catch up with her as will all the tanning.  At least she quit drinking during the day light.  She also doesn’t understand why people are making a big deal out of her recent jail time.  She said that she is too pretty to go to jail.  Well I’m no scientist but I think Snooki has given us ample proof that her mother dropped her on her head when Snooki was a baby repeatedly.
  
  Hey, ladies, did you know you can exfoliate your face while motorboating Simon Cowell?  That’s the word on the street so keep that in mind.
  
  Forget all those rumors about Sandra Bullock getting back together with Jesse James, she needs to get her shit together and shack up with Betty White.  They were at the Teen Choice Awards and I think they decided to re-enact my favorite scene from Requiem for a Dream…ASS TO ASS!  That is so hot!  I just hope Betty doesn’t get into it so much that she breaks a hip.
  
  There is a rumor circulating the intertubes (RIP Senator Stevens) that Ryan Gossling enjoys giving himself homemade tattoos.   I knew a girl that enjoyed giving herself tattoos with safety pins and ink.  They were so nasty much like this one on Ryan’s arm.  I think he is just one case of beer away from making one of my tattoo posts.
  
  Rod Stewart is going to be a father at the age of 65 with his wife Penny Lancaster, 39.  This is an old pic of Rod with his former wife but I had to post an image that best encapsulated the pure sexual energy that is Rod Stewart.  Oh my god, I think I just threw up a little.  The child will be Rod’s seventh child.  I guess this means that when Penny goes shopping for diaper rash cream, she’ll have to pick up an extra tube for Rod.
  
  Robbie Williams married his girlfriend of 4 years last weekend.  The bathhouses in L.A. and London mourned.  Some are shocked that Robbie didn’t wait until the lift of the  gay marriage ban on August 18th. 
  
  This is Rima Fakih.  She is the reigning Miss USA.   She will be competing in the Miss Universe pageant in about a week.  The contestants were in Las Vegas this week posing for their bikini round videos.  So now the engine is going…how am I supposed to maintain an erection for 10 days?  Miss USA better win that shit to re-establish America’s dominance in the beauty industry.
  
  Rihanna got a new neck tattoo.  I can’t make it out because I am blinded by her new Ronald McDonald hair color.  The tattoo apparently says “Rebelle Fleur” which she claims means “Rebellious Flower” however anyone with any French knowledge will tell her that she is a moron because what she has is “Flower Rebel”.  If she wanted rebellious flower it would be “Fleur Rebel” and I am officially a nerd.
  
  Reese Witherspoon is set to star in a biopic about legendary singer Peggy Lee.  Reese Witherspoon as Peggy Lee?  That is the opposite of FEVER!
  
  Pee Wee Herman and Lorenzo Lamas were spotted in Sturgis, South Dakota this week.  I hope that Lorenzo was in the bitch seat as Pee Wee motored on down the highway on a Harley.  I also hope Pee Wee was recruiting Lorenzo to be in the new Pee Wee movie as Jambi or Magic Screen.  Yeah, with a forehead like that Lorenzo would be better suited for Magic Screen.  Pee Wee was also interviewed by Playboy and he discusses how his lawyers had a blow the prosecution’s case in his famous episode in the adult theater.  Pee Wee said, “Had we gone to trial, we had ready an expert from the Masters and Johnson Institute who was going to testify that in 30 years of research on masturbation the institute had never found one person who masturbated with his or her non-dominant hand. I’m right-handed, and the police report said I was jerking off with my left hand. That would have been the end of the case right there, proof it couldn’t have been me.”  Oh look at Pee Wee with his fancy masturbation lawyers from their fancy institute of masturbation.  OK, I’ll admit it, the prosecution was set to have me take the stand because I am the exception to the rule.  I have right hand dominant tendencies but there are so many things I do better left handed…wink wink nudge nudge say no more.
  
  Paris Hilton dressed up as Marilyn Monroe wearing the world’s most powerful push-up bra for the launch of her new perfume.  The seven year itch Paris carries is very different from what the movie was about.  If she stands over a subway grate, the entire nation could be wiped out by Paris’ seven year itch.
  
  I guess all those random bathroom stall hook-ups have taught Paris how to unhinge her jaw like a snake.  I wish my girlfriend could do that.  I am so sick and tired of hearing, “Not tonight, I’m too tired and you are too big.”  OK so that is what we call hyperbole.
  
  Montana Fisburne’s DVD has hit the stores and it was revealed how much she made for her appearance.  $25,000…that doesn’t seem like much.  Oh and if you want to see still shots, click here(very NSFW) and if you want to see a 10 minute preview of the tape click here…I don’t think I need to say that are NSFW.  Also a fake Twitter account sprung up this week and in the tweets she claimed that a 13 year old girl was inspired by her and planned on making a tape when she turned 18.  There are some other gems on the fake account.  If you want to follow the real Montana, here’s the account. 
  
  A source close to the Cyrus family has said that Miley is begging her parents to sign a consent form so she can get breast implants.  She’s 17 and doctors require a parental consent form for patients under 18.  That family is has issues.  I bet that within a few weeks, Miley will have a huge rack and will say that is because she had a growth spurt.  She’ll get the implants because her parents will realize that Miley is their meal ticket and they don’t want to anger meal ticket Miley.
  
  Michelle McGee, Jesse James’ confirmed mistress and Tiger Woods’ rumored mistress, and Violet Kowal, Mel Gibson’s mistress, have signed a deal to appear and perform at strip clubs in L.A.  It’s called Skankapalooza and will be sponsored by Valtrex.  OK so maybe that is what I’m calling it.  If someone wanted to take me along, I would have to get myself a new Haz-Mat suit.
  
  Megan Fox showed up at the Teen Choice Awards.  I have studied this picture for many hours minutes.  You know her co-stars in the Transformers movies?  The transforming robots?  Well they look more human than she does in this picture.  Does she coat herself in wax or spackle herself with make-up? 
  
  Levi Johnston is not ready to take that electrician job that Sarah Palin got for him despite Levi not having his GED.  No, Levi has plans for a reality series as well as a potential run for mayor of Wasila, Alaska.  He wants to legalize meth so that way his mom can get out of jail.  Legalized meth could also revitalize the Alaskan economy because it would draw in the Lohan family.
  
  Lady Gaga did some stage diving at her Lolapalooza show in Chicago.  I think most of the people she dove into had never touched a woman before so that is why it appears as if a bodyguard has to hold her.  She also says that she is planning on making a movie incorporating all her music videos.  It will be like Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”.  So let me get this right?  Lady Gaga looks like Madonna, acts like David Bowie, and wants to be like Michael Jackson with her movie all while claiming to be original and unique.  Bitch, I’ve seen more creative and unique people at Walmart.  Go away.
  
  This is Karissa and Kristina Shannon.  They are Hugh Hefner’s former nurses girlfriends.  And, yes, they are sisters.  They just took things one rung higher on the attention whore ladder.  Maybe they weren’t committing incest.  They could have been practicing CPR.  You know you get rusty at CPR when you break-up with Hef.
  
  Jennifer Lopez is no longer a judge for the next season of American Idol.  Her demands were out of control so FOX pulled the plug on her job.  That is quite a big deal to be fired before the filming began.  FOX didn’t bat an eye when Paula demanded a machine like a Coke machine but only it dispensed prescription pills.  To cope with the loss of her job, Jennifer posted the photo of her jewelry on Twitter with the question, “What should I wear today?”  Bitch, should have said, “What should I auction off today since I can’t get a job?”  Shania Twain is now rumored to be the next judge.
  
  Court documents in a divorce case were released this week.  A woman accuses her former husband of having an affair with former American Idol contestant Fantasia.  The woman claims Fantasia met her husband at a T-Mobile store and began their adulterous affair.  The woman claims that Fantasia recorded the sex sessions with her former husband and the complainant has seen the tapes.  When that sex tape gets released, I hope they get a DVD commentary track from Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson, and Paula Abdul judging the love-making session.  I wonder how they would use the term “pitchy” in their judging.  To make matters worse, Fantasia was rushed to the hospital after an apparent overdose.  One of her representatives said that she was dehydrated and suffered from exhaustion just like every other celebrity who overdoses or goes to rehab.  Then the rep went on to talk about Fantasia’s upcoming album.  HOLD THE PHONE!  I should have seen it coming…sex tape…cheating scandal…overdose…album release.  It all makes sense.  And don’t you just love how they met at a T-Mobile store?  I bet his pick-up line was, “Hey, baby, wanna get on my family plan?”  Isn’t that romantic, a love based on a desire for superior cellphone service at reasonable prices and a disregard for anyone else.  I smell a Nicholas Sparks novel.
  
  Dustin Hoffman turned 73 this week.  Of course this is an old picture but I thought it was interesting seeing he was with Rue McClanahan.  I will always remember her as the over-sexed cougar Blanche.  Now that would have been a great version of The Graduate.  Blanche chasing after Dustin Hoffman…god, I need a life.
  
  This photo made it’s rounds on the series of tubes this week.  People claimed it was Conan O’Brien at the age of 18.  Conan announced via Twitter that it was indeed him at the age of 18 as well as 30 and 40.  It seems like it has been forever since he has been on TV.  November can’t get here soon enough.
  
  Broolyn Decker recently said that she was too fat to be a model.  She says she is a size 4.  Damn, that’s HORRIBLE!  I have never been attracted to someone that is over a size for but I guess some people aren’t picky.  If you can’t tell, that’s sarcasm.  Maybe I’m not doing it right if I have to say it…oh well.  If I was with Brooklyn, I would give her the most dissatisfying eight seconds of her life.
  
  Alanis Morissette announced this week that she is expecting a baby with her husband named Souleye.  Congratulations to Alanis and Souleye!  But more importantly, congratulations to us!  I am sure that with a name like Souleye, that baby is going to receive an epic name that will make us laugh and shake our heads.
  
  Amy Winehouse…what a dame!  She sure does clean up nicely.  I don’t know what it is about her that gets me to stare endless hours at her.  Oh yeah…it rhymes with “Holy crap, her bits are huge!”
  
  Justin Bieber was hit in the head with a bottle thrown by a fan at a recent concert.  I hope it knocked some talent into him.  Obviously he has no talent for dodging things.  Since George W. Bush is out of work, maybe he could teach Justin some dodging skills.
  
  This is the official cover of Justin Bieber’s autobiography.  Shouldn’t he need to become a pro-skater or blow his meth dealer before he gets to write an autobiography?  You realize his life started in 1994, right?  Why would I want to read about this kid?  It had better come with crayons or some sort of golden ticket.  It will probably be 200 pages of him talking about his favorite night light and blankie or the time he went to the land of the Wild Things after his mom sent him to bed without any supper.

  I hope everyone has a swell weekend.

  • 1:11 AM
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