August 19, 2010

• Questions with the Godfather and his Cock 8/18

  Well Cocky and I are back for another shot at helping you with your questions.  It has been a long two weeks and Cocky and I are both somewhat exhausted.  I have slipped back into my insomnia and Cocky has been sampling the the case of product the sponsors sent us this week. 

  Me: Hey, Cocky, why haven’t you been popping up lately?
  Cocky: I am still upset about our last post.
  Me: Oh yeah, I posted the video of you being abused by that dog.
  Cocky:  Yeah…the incident.
  Me: But he seemed to love you.
  Cocky: You know I hate dogs especially male dogs that try to make me their receptacle.
  Me: Well how are things with the ladies?
  Cocky: Virtually dead.
  Me: Yeah I hear they hate you and want no part of you.
  Cocky: Who told?
  Me: I happen to have a video of you getting turned down by the pussy.
  Cocky: You wouldn’t.
  Me: I would especially after all the shit I catch from you on a weekly basis.
  

  
  

  Me: That has to be the first I’ve ever seen a pussy doing the fisting.  And now a word from our sponsors:
  

  

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  Me: Cocky, are you ready?
  Cocky: Yeah, I’m cocked, locked, and ready to unload my knowledge amongst other things.  And as soon as I can polish off another case of Rooster Booster, you’re a dead man.
  

  

  
  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I am back in the dating scene and my last girlfriend was this career woman fashionista who was more interested in who she was wearing than what was going on in the world and was also confident in her place in the world.  What do I have to do to reel in a politically aware and frustrated waitress?
                                            Waitress Lover in Wood Lake
  Me: I’m not sure how to go about “reeling” one in but I am sure it could be rather easy in this economic climate to find a frustrated waitress.  I guess the best advice I could give you is to broaden your horizons while at the same time lowering them.
  Cocky: You leave a tip, a HUGE tip, man.  I’m talking like $10 on a bill that is $2.  The Godfather does that quite often.  He’s just to proud to admit it.  He leaves a dollar tip for every drink at the bar but if the bartender is a female and has a pulse he usually leaves $2 or $3 per drink. 
  Me: I am just being nice because I read that one of the most frequent jobs for women in school is waitressing and by giving them a larger tip, it is my way of helping society better itself.
  Cocky: Whatever helps you sleep at night….OK, so leave the big tip and when you go to see this waitress only look at her and talk to her.  And when she asks if you want a lapdance, you pay her but say it is just for conversation…wait that’s how you go about reeling in strippers…I have no idea how to find a waitress.
  Me: One thing that worked for me was after I paid my bill, I found the waitress and said that there was something wrong with my bill…her phone number was not written on it.  She ended up giving me her phone number and said she liked my confidence.
  Cocky: And then she gave you a restraining order and a broken heart because she didn’t like your lack of bulge.
  
  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  From your life-time, what sports story was the most shocking to you?
                                           Journalist in Judson
  Me: Great question!  Where does one begin?  Dale Earnhardt’s death participating in the sport he loved was shocking.  Or how about the Red Sox coming back from 3 games down to win the American League pennant and then go on to sweep the World Series?  Maybe Michael Jordan’s retirement to pursue a baseball career.  Another could be Magic Johnson’s announcement he had HIV.
  Cocky:  The most shocking was when a virtually unknown fighter named El Pollo Guapo took the ring to fight the number one fighter in the world, El Pollo de la Muerte.  It was an exhausting fight for El Pollo Guapo but he overcame all odds to win.  Maybe this was more shocking for me since I was El Pollo Guapo in my fighting days.
  Me: Cocky, you were a fighter?
  Cocky: Yes and I retired undefeated after my third fight.
  Me: That is something.  You should be proud of that accomplishment.
  Cocky: Yes, I am as proud of my cockfighting career as you are of your undefeated record in the art of hand to little man combat.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky
  
  

  If I fart in my hand before throwing it in somebody’s face, should I test smell it to insure potency?

                                      Handy in Hancock
  

  Me: Why did I ever advertise the formspring?  I think it would be difficult to throw a fart at someone but why would you want to smell your own product?

  Cocky: 1. It may be so strong you knock yourself out. 2. you lose potency if you test it first. Just believe in yourself and that whatever you ate 2 days ago has died in your bowels.

  
  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I work very hard to keep my lawn in nice shape, but I am tired of finding little “surprises” that my neighbor’s dog leaves behind. I have spoken to my neighbor about this many times but he just shrugs it off and says he will try to watch “Fido” more closely. My town does have a “pooper-scooper” law but it only applies to parks and public spaces. I try hard to be a good neighbor, but I am about at the end of my rope about this. Can you suggest anything?
                                          Poop-Scoop in Pemberton
  Me: Most towns that are civilized enough to have pooper-scooper laws also have leash laws. Either “Fido” is on one heck of a long leash or he’s running loose. I would …ahem…collect the evidence, bring it over to his lawn and point out that watching “Fido” obviously is not enough. I would then pleasantly suggest an invisible fence to keep puppy in his own yard AND to comply with local leash laws.
  Cocky:  Now I bet you are expecting I give my usual advice here, which would be “Punch your neighbor in the throat,” but I’m not going to give that advice.  I am going to suggest that you do something the Godfather’s great-grandmother did when her neighbor’s dog left lawn sausages in her yard.  She picked up the evidence but instead of calmly showing the evidence to her neighbors, she waited for a time when they weren’t around and snuck into their back yard and smeared it all over their personal possessions such as the door knob and some sunglasses that were on their back porch.  The only downside to smearing crap all over your neighbor’s possessions is that your hands are going to stink like dog shit for a while.  People will think you have major issues but seeing the look on your neighbor’s face as he wipes off dog shit from his eye sockets is priceless.  Hey you should get the guy who wants to throw farts to attack them.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  
  

  How does one attract older ladies?  You know, how can I be a MILF hunter?

                                      Youngster in Youngstown

  Me: Be yourself?

  Cocky: God are you stupid.  It’s no wonder you aren’t getting any.  What you want to do is maintain your boyish looks and get a job as a pool cleaner or pizza delivery specialist. 

  Me: How do you figure a pool boy or pizza delivery boy will get women?

  Cocky: Have you ever seen porn?

  
  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  
  

  How do you show a girl you care?

                                      Learning in Lyndon Station
  

  Me: Probably the best way is to communicate and tell her that you care.

  Cocky: Leave a dead bird on her doorstep.

  Me: How does that show a girl that you care?

  Cocky: It’s no wonder you don’t get any pussy.

  Me: And you do?  Let’s go back to the tape.

  Cocky: Do not fall asleep or you will have your eyes pecked out.
  

  
  Dear Godfather and Cocky
  
  

  Will jerking off with the excess grease left on my hands after a couple buckets of KFC also affect my cholesterol?

                                      Finger Flickin’ in Findlay
  

  Me: How the hell are there people like this in society?  I mean…seriously!

  Cocky: Well as you know the Colonel and I have a love/hate relationship.  He’d love to get me in a fryer and I hate the douche.  But if you want to have an argument with Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, be careful, I hear herpes is one of the secret ingredients.

  
  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  
  

  What’s the best way to end a relationship?

                                      Over in Osseo
  

  Me: I think the best way is to be upfront and truthful.  Communication is key in everything.

  Cocky: It’s a good thing you asked us before you asked Jordan Van Der Sloot.  I knew I should have never advised him to go on a fishing trip to clear his mind.  Little did I know the fishing trip would end up like Godfather 2.

  
  Disclaimer: I plan on time-stamping this piece and if you don’t like time-stamping please don’t tell me to quit xanga on my blog.  It’s time-stamping.  Please, don’t be like some mental deficient bloggers out there by reporting me to xanga for harassment because I time-stamped and you can’t wrap your small mind around that.  Just block me and unsubscribe like a normal person.  Dang, I shouldn’t have written this, Prince Zuko and the vegetarian vampires may attack me.
  

  

  Me: Cocky this one goes out to you:
  

  
  If you have a question for myself or Cocky you can either email here at Xanga or at advicewithcocky@gmail.com or ask us over at Formspring. 
  
  Also, do yourself a favor and read my post about My Most Embarrassing Moment.
  
  

  • 11:54 AM
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