August 21, 2010

• Celebrity Round Up 8/20

  we had some thunderstorms roll through here this evening.  It provided some fun thunder and lightning but nothing serious.  My leaky car will probably have a puddle but oh well.  Some images aren't safe for work or for life...NSFW and NSFL.
  
  Hey, Victoria Silverstedt, would you care to tell us how you pay for all these European vacations since you haven't worked in years?  Oh, you would rather show us with your mouth...thank you!  I have to say she has a nice rack.  It looks like one of the 2008 models.
  
  Thousands of copies of the new Rolling Stone will be covered in bodily fluids other than blood.  That Sookie...wow.  I just wish the books were as sexual as the show but then I'm not that far in...that's what she said.
  
  I'm taking it that most of you know that in TV and most movies that when there is a sex scene they really aren't having sex.  Well that may not be true for Alexander Skarsgard of True Blood.  That show has some intense sex scenes and he makes them more intense.  The actors on that show wear coverings over their genitals but not Alexander.  He says it impedes his acting.  I think it's just an excuse to get pervy with the ladies.  I guess this brings a new dimension to True Blood.  It's sort of like a porno.
  
  Tila Tequila performed at the Gathering of Juggalos last weekend and she was beat down.  The fans of the Insane Clown Posse threw rocks at her and she was pegged in the head.  Of course you might not be able to blame the Juggalos.  A good percentage could be virgins plus if I had a nude woman gyrating in front of me and could do anything about it, I'd throw rocks too.  That is why I don't go to strip clubs.  I bet she announced to the crowd "$50 to the first person who can pop these implants with a brick."  I was going to post these earlier in the week and do an expose on the Juggalos but the CDC told me that I had to quarantine the photos for at least 72 hours.  Tila claims that it was all started by the fans and she had nothing to do with it.  I guess her screaming "I ain't going anywhere" didn't add fuel to the fire.  She said she was hit with rocks, beer bottles, firecrackers, and human waste.  I'm shocked she wasn't impaled with a trident because those Juggalos are crazy.  Police will not release their reports so all we have to go on is what she claims.  The Juggalos love their "music" so I'm surprised they weren't entranced by her soothing vocals.  Oh and where was this Tila Army she is always claiming that backs her up.
  
  I know people are going to think I'm sexist and claim I'm pro-violence against women.  Even though I hate Tila as a person, she doesn't deserve to be pelted with rocks.  I think there was something about that in the Bible but then there was also something about stoning whores.  Why was she onstage at an Insane Clown Posse event?  Even though she was pelted with piss and shit, she should be classified as a hazardous material by FEMA.  Little did Tila know that throwing rocks is foreplay for a Juggalo.  I do have to question how hardcore these ICP fans are if all she comes away with are a couple bumps and band aids.  Where did the Juggalos learn how to fight...soccer camp?  I would hate to offend anyone especially a no talent reality hack and the humorless.  My only worry was if the actual stage held up to the onslaught.
  
  Method Man was also attacked at The Gathering by Juggalos.  Why are the Juggalos so angry?  Did their moms cut off their allowance?  Did their dads refuse to let them stay for the entire show because of curfew?  You should really research the Juggalos.  Here's the wiki entry.  Any research on Juggalos has to include Anabelle Lotus and Juggalo Julie...that is some creepy shit.  If you ever encounter a Juggalo ask them how a magnet works.
  
  Katie Holmes admitted what I have known all along.  She said that Suri picks out Katie's outfits.  Also, when Katie doesn't wear an outfit Suri picks, Suri throws temper tantrums.  All I know is that we need to get Suri Cruise on the next Project Runway.  I would pay money to see her berate Tim Gunn.
  
  Robert De Niro turned 67 this week.  Name the movie from which this photo was taken and you will win 500 internets and my undying love.  When he went out to celebrate his birthday, the waiter asked if he wanted a menu.  Bobby replied, "You talkin' to me?  Are you talking to me?"  No, he wasn't quoting one of his famous quotes.  He just didn't have his hearing aids turned up high enough.
  
  Paris Hilton claims she's conquered all aspects of show business and the perfume industry.  She has her sights now focused on the family business of hotels.  Great...her hotel will be the epicenter of all the STDs known to man.  I don't give Paris enough credit.  She is very qualified to run a hotel.  She is quite experienced with accommodating multiple guests at one time.
  
  Pam Anderson has started to wear make-up again.  Too bad it looks like she is trying to push out such a massive fart that it could rupture all her silicon.
  
  Neil Patrick Harris and his partner David Burka are expecting twins from a surrogate mother.  I bet their children will know the complete library of Rogers and Hammerstein by the time they are 6 months old.  I kid...I wish them the best of luck.
  
  Hey, Montana Fishburne had a really good photoshop done on her backside.  In case you don't know...you don't want to see the evidence.  Montana didn't really want her sex tape to have any editing because she claims she is proud of her "leopard booty".  Yeah...I think the "d" is silent.  Also, her father, Laurence Fishburne, has written her off.  She says he told her he will not speak with her until she turns her life around and he was embarrassed by her because she used the family name as her porn name.  So she was arrested for prostitution, arrested for assault, and she signed a deal with a porn company.  That is pretty much embarrassing.  Laurence could walk out to the middle of the field at the Super Bowl, slip on a banana peel, get kicked in the nuts, get hit by a cream pie in the face, and get carried off on a stretcher and that wouldn't be the most embarrassing moment of his life.
  
  Michael Douglas announced that he has a cancerous tumor in his throat and will be receiving radiation treatment.  He also says he's very optimistic that everything will turn out OK.  I think he needs Doogie Howser to give him a second opinion.  Either way...I'll send him some positive thoughts.
  
  Megan Fox is such a loving and caring stepmother.  She shares shirts with her stepson, Kassius.  I don't know why but I want to punch Brian Austin Green in the face.  He can afford to buy shirts for both his wife and son.
  
  LeBron James is so full of himself.  He claims that no one in Cleveland cared about LeBron and yes in the GQ interview he poke in the third person.  He says his poor upbringing helps keep him grounded and that he likes to keep things low-key and is very low maintenance...BULLSHIT!  This asshole probably thinks he could go out as the only player on his team and go undefeated in an NBA season and if he lost a game he would blame everyone but himself.
  
  Dwayne Wade's former wife filed a lawsuit against Dwayne.  In the lawsuit she claims that Dwayne and his girlfriend Gabrielle Union have engaged in sexual foreplay and it was witnessed by one of the kids and that kid suffered such emotional distress that he lost his hair.  Man, I read some posts on Xanga about that today.  Well the judge didn't think that it was that bad and threw it out.  I guess that is a victory for homewreckers all over.  Also if the kid doesn't want to be stressed out by sexual foreplay then he shouldn't be watching Dwayne and LeBron play basketball this season.  You know they are going to grope each other and make out during every game.
  
  Facebook banned this photo of Kylie Minogue this week.  Now when I first saw it I thought it was just Kylie holding a teddy bear.  Some people claim that it is naughty because of where Kylie is playing her mic.  Hmmm...a mic job?  Wait!  Where is her other hand?  Yeah, that is what got it banned.
  
  Ke$ha this week put on the mask so the paparazzi wouldn't follow her.  If your idea of a joke is to wear a mask to trick the paparazzi but the mask makes you noticably less ugly, does that still count as a joke?
  
  This week some shocking figures were released.  Kate Gosslein makes $225,000 per episode of her reality series.  Patrick Dempsey on Grey's Anatomy only makes $125,000 per episode and Anna Paquinn on True Blood only makes $75,000 per episode.  What the fuck?  Anna Paquinn has better boobs and proudly displays them.  This fucking country is so backwards.  All Kate did to get famous was pop out a few kids.  She clearly sold her soul to Satan.
  
  Jesse James and Kat Von D are dating.  Why?  Oh yeah, she's his dream girl.  I bet she can change him.  Good luck.  The only way you could change that guy from being a cheater is through castration but more than likely Kat will suffer from all his infidelities and she will burn.
  
  Damn!  The paparazzi can't leave Karissa Shannon alone.  No, this fine, upstanding young woman wants to hold her ass in the air in privacy but the paparazzi have to photograph it.  I say, a pox be on you and your family, paparazzi!
  
  Jenny McCarthy hates vaccines and any needle that would poke her child which is why measles and all other diseases are making a comeback but whatever.  The funny thing about it is she must let plastic surgeons poke her face with needles to inject botox.  Remember when she was hot and fap material.  Now she looks like she is wearing a Scream mask. Speaking of mask...I've often heard that when you spend many years with your partner, you begin to look like them.  Well I guess that explains why Jenny McCarthy is looking like Jim Carey did in The Mask.  It's a good thing they broke up before her skin turned green but then who knows what will happen if she keeps injecting herself with all that botox.
  
  Jackee Harry turned 54 this week.  She celebrated by eating a hammock of cake.  I wonder if anyone will get that joke.  If you do you will win 500 internets and my undying love.
  
  The band Iron Maiden racked up this bar tab.  Of course that was in Norway and the price in American dollars is $3275.  That's not that impressive.  That's usually called "Happy Hour pt. 1" for Amy Winehouse.  The worst I ever did by myself was $80.
  
  Hugh Grant...that smug bastard...had a private screening of his new short film with 10 females.  After they watched the film they partied all night.  How is that guy so lucky?  He makes movies where he plays the same exact character in every role.  He had a supermodel for a girlfriend and cheated on her with a lowclass prostitute that possibly could have been a man.  The supermodel girlfriend keeps him and later on he dumps her.  Oh I ope karma gets him good.  I bet he will come back as one of the Jersey Shore production assistants.  That would be hell.
  
  Spencer Pratt has approached Vivid Entertainment attempting to sell a sex tape of him and Heidi Montag.  I guess it was only a matter of time.  My only question is, who would want to watch a half-melted Dollar Tree Barbie have sex with a guy who has a flesh colored beard?  Believe it or not, I'm not raising my hand.  The tape is probably just Spencer wanking to photos of Heidi or more likely he's wanking to photos of himself.
  
  Elin Nordgeren is growing impatient waiting for her divorce from Tiger Woods to finalize.  She has started to take courses at a local community college to take her mind off of her money and pending divorce.  Could you imagine walking in to your beginner Spanish class and there sits Elin.  Damn...I would totally try to "get with" her, as the kids say, because I could be a kept husband.  Hey, Elin, you know what would take your mind off the divorce?  You should get an actual job where you do something other than stand in front of a camera.  Also you shouldn't sit around waiting for your settlement money.  Go out and get money by doing something.
  
  AnnaLynne McCord was at an event sponsored by Crest this week.  I think that's fitting since most of those celebrity types eat nothing but toothpaste and ice chips to maintain their figure.  Oh well, it works for AnnaLynne.
  
  Adrianne Curry claims that she was groped and molested at a Star Wars convention in a bar of the convention.  Why is she at a Star Wars convention?  I guess she could be a fan but I think she is just toying with all the nerds by giving them cases of blue balls.  Why would Star Wars fans be at a bar during a convention?  The only place the go to with the words "drink special" are places that sell Mountain Dew Code Red.
  
  Courtney Love wished her daughter Frances Bean a happy 18th birthday this week.  She had to make the wishes over Twitter since she can't have contact with Frances.  Here are some of the tweets: "that therapist told me you said you "were never talkiung to me ever again" i was hapless, i dont understand anything that amoral cunt tellsu"  "just go the page i love you chuck, happy 18th i got you something so bloody awesome, finally. i love you hard day for me" "beyond the obviopus heartache why are you trying to desperatly to ruin my life and reputation? what is it did you decide to be linda?" "well i long for your kiss and your sweet head smell i long for you i ache for you, i die for you every day my heart breaks for you, sowrong" "for gods sake now that your of age run like hell they have to give you by law 30k a mionth no matter what not 15k seen your legal bills ?" "have taken anything from you, that 03/05 shit was @edwardnorton s cpa selvaggi and laird, diverting 2.7 m from "yr trust" andsending to self"  "i love you but your 18 now do NOT allow any guardianship to continue whatsoever! theyll lie to you tell you it "has" to,. no it doesnt!" And then after she did all those messages to Frances she posted this gem for Dave Navarro: "@davenavarro6767 bosh! your barely tolerating me , but man i appreciate it so much, plus my bjs are fucking legendary."  My brain hurts...good night.

  Video Section
  Here's the only video I could find of the Tila Tequila attack.  I saw about a 5 minute one but that was taken down.
  
  This is the trailer for the Joaquin Phoenix movie.
  
  Are you a fan of Big Brother?  Are you a fan of watching guys beat off?  Well I'm not but I know I have a few readers who might answer yes to those questions.  The contestant named Lane was caught polishing his pole by cameras.  I'm always surprised that this isn't caught more.  I'm sure they see to it that they don't catch such shenanigans.
  

  I hope you have a great weekend.

  • 1:06 AM
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