August 23, 2010

• Story Time

  The Bestest Wedding Ever
  It all took place in the booze soaked summer of 2001.  I was working in the tourist town and three classmates had come down to work for the summer.  We spent most evenings sucking back cheap beers at the Irish pub next to my job site.  It was such a blast.  But that isn’t where the story begins.

  Upon the start of my junior year of college, my roommate D told me he was getting married.  This wasn’t that shocking since he had grown so close to his girlfriend over the past school year.  She lived in Milwaukee and moved to the town I like to call Little College on the Prairie…either that or the Holy Hill.  D spent most of his time with the girlfriend but he was kind enough to come back the night I turned 21 to make sure I didn’t die.  It’s a good thing too.  I may have choked on my vomit.  He also loved her so much that he skipped out on a choir concert so he could spend alone time with her in our room.  My dad was shocked when he beat me back to my room after the concert and caught them in bed…not just any bed but my bed.  Before she moved to Little College on the Prairie, she sent D an inflatable pool toy that just happened to be shaped as a woman.  No, it wasn’t a sex doll because sex dolls have orifices.  This was just a blow up pool toy who happened to look like D’s girlfriend.  Then the dorm supervisor/pastor saw “her” while I was in my room.  He said I should be disgusted and he made me destroy the doll.  I pulled out a knife from my back pocket and field dressed the doll.  He was shocked at my knife and that was the last time we had any interaction.

  So D and his girlfriend H loved each other and as a roommate I was asked to stand up in the wedding.  I said, “Hot damn!”  Well one of my friends from college who was working in the tourist town was also in the wedding so we decided to go up to Fon du Lac (from henceforth will be called Fondle Sac) the day of the rehearsal so we could also get fitted for tuxes and find a hotel room.  The only problem was I was driving and being a man didn’t need directions.  About 20 minutes into our journey I scream, “Shit!”  The Croatian Sensation asks what was wrong.  “We’re headed southeast when we should be going northeast.”  We finally arrive at D’s parents’ house and as we get out of the car we have beer thrust in our hands.  The Croatian Sensation started talking about find a place for him and I to say.  D’s mom said that it would be impossible to find a hotel room because there was some big airplane convention going on that weekend and every hotel from Green Bay to Milwaukee was booked up.  They gave us their mobile home.  We set up in the digs and had another beer or three.  D comes in and gets us to get to the tux shop. 

  I hop into my car with the Croat, D, and Skinny Wolf.  We head to the Fondle Sac mall and met up with the other men in the wedding: D’s best man, Dick, D’s dad, D’s “little” brother, Terry, and some other guy.  It was my first tux fitting so I didn’t quite know what to expect.  The girl spent a lot of time working my inseam but I was happy because they let me drink beer while getting fitted.  Everyone got the tuxes so we decided to go to the next logical location…a liquor and fireworks store.

  The liquor store was amazing.  The prices were dirt cheap and they had a vast selection of booze and fireworks.  I picked up a bottle of UV Blue Raspberry vodka, some lemonade, and orange juice.  I was set to make some Ectoplasm Coolers.  Everyone bought liquor and the 70 year old lady behind the counter had such a treat with all us 21 year old men in her store.  Yeah, I flirted with her and, yes, she did give me a discount.  She even remembered me when I went back a few months later for the same liquids when I was in Fondle Sac for another wedding.

  We the went to the church to practice the wedding.  I found out who my bridesmaid was.  I was a bit disappointed since she was engaged to someone but oh well.  We left the church as fast as we could so we could feast and drink.  D’s dad had set up a smorgasboard of food and beer.  Oh it was such a blast.  We were drinking Red Dog and Ectoplasm Coolers and eating pulled pork.  I was in heaven.  Then the Croatian Sensation and Skinny Wolf said they needed more beer despite having 100+ cans in the cooler.  We headed to a Piggly Wiggly and picked up a few more cases of beer.  “Hey do you think any girls will drink with us tonight?”  “D does have a couple of sisters.”  “Damn, looks like I’m going to have to get a case of wine coolers.”

  We go back and sit around a fire and drink with…I forget but I do remember it was one of D’s sisters, Mich, on one side and his “little” brother who I called Herman on the other.  D was 21 at the time and his little brother was much taller and bigger than him.  D was probably around 5’7″ and his little brother was 6’6″.  We asked him if he wanted anything to drink.  I figured he was 18 and one or two beers wouldn’t hurt.  He asked for a Smirnoff Ice.  He guzzled it down and soon he was drunk.  I asked, “Herman, how you doing?”  “Cripes, Wurm, crimmeny cripes.”  He was drunk on one Smirnoff.  I laughed at him being such a lightweight.  Mich got mad at me because I gave him booze.  Herman then shouted, “Shut your damn mouth, I’m hear to put the dick in dixie and cunt in country.  Cripes.”  Mich and I laughed and then she said, “You realize he’s 13.”  WHAT?  I then leaned over and said, “Herman, you’re cut off.” “CRIPES!”

  The night progressed and somehow we made it to the trailer.  In the morning I woke up because I thought I heard the cackling of hens but it was just the bride and bridesmaids meeting at the house.  So I decide to get up and go out to the garage and start drinking.  The Croat followed me as did Skinny Wolf.  There we were at 8AM drinking Red Dog and Blue Moon.  A little while later Herman and his little 8 year old cousin Davey show up.  “Hey, Herman, you have a hangover?”  “Cripes!”  Davey quipped, “That motherfuckin’ bitch got bitch ass drunk off one fucking beer.”  “Cripes!”  We had a long time before the wedding so we asked them what they did for fun.  Herman comes back with bottle rockets and Davey comes out with a bike.  We started shooting bottle rockets in the back yard and Davey shoots them at the neighbors house.  One hit their back door and the neighbor came out to check what was going on.  We hid in the garage.  Then Ghetto and Rhino showed up because their girlfriends were bridesmaids.  Davey set up a ramp and started jumping his bike.  We all took turns on that ramp.  It was fun because they had it set up so you would land in a pine tree.  After getting full of pine sap we decided we needed to do something else.  Herman suggested we go try out the beatin’ car.  He explained that the beatin’ car was a car you beat with a hammer when you were frustrated.  We walked out to the back yard and found a with no windows and full of dents.  Davey picks up the hammer, “You fucking car.  Take this you bitch.”  We hit the car and had more beer.  Finally D calls us and says we have 15 minutes to get to the meet up.  None of us were showered or sober. 

  I think that was the fastest I’ve ever put on a tux.  So it’s me, the Croat, Skinny Wolf, and Herman in my car.  Herman is giving us these crazy directions to the meet-up.  We finally get there with a minute to spare.  As we pull up D says we have to head to the church.  We arrive at the church and and no one is there so we decide we need to freshen our breath.  A bottle of peppermint schnapps shows up and soon it was gone.  We go inside and the rest is a blur but soon I am walking down the aisle.  The rehearsal took all of 10 minutes so I expected that is how long the service would last.  I was so wrong. I guess in my drunken state I was rocking back and forth.  Herman was standing behind me and he got scared that I would fall on him.  The guy on my left is Dick and he turns and tells me he doesn’t feel good.  I tell him to go sit in a pew so he does.  About 5 minutes later he comes back.  He’s standing next to me and says the same thing so once again he goes and sits down.  Then all of a sudden you hear a thud and a big commotion.  It turns out Skinny Wolf had passed out and fell.  People rushed to the front to get him cooled off.  The pastor kept talking.  Soon the wedding was over and D was married.  As the walked out, they were treated to a bottle rocket send-off.

  Things get very blurry after that but from what I remember at the reception: the best man presented D with a box of condoms and said have a fun night, I got too hot in my tux so I was dressed in shorts and t-shirt, I sat next to the DJ and critiqued his choice in songs, he got fed up and asked what he should play, I had cds in my car and got them, he played songs and people had fun, I was drinking beer straight from the pitcher, Davey begged me to get him a pitcher of beer, D’s dad was circled by all us college kids as he is dancing to Daft Punk, I don’t even remember how I got back to the trailer.  I remember going from dancing to laying on D’s parents’ front lawn and being told that I was not allowed to go to any more bars.

  The next day we left for home.  That was a true Wisconsin wedding.

  Penis Inspection Day
  I know a lot of people are heading back to school so I decided to talk about Penis Inspection Day.  When I was a freshman in high school, I went to a private school.  I lived in a dorm and it was just pure bliss because I was away from my parents.  I felt like such an adult.  During the first week during our nightly study hall, the dorm supervisor/pastor made us all stand outside our rooms and drop our pants.  Then a guy, who I thought was a doctor because he was dressed as one, went down the line and inspected everyone’s penis and testicles.  I was so nervous but I guess I passed. 
  
  He pulled this chart out and showed me that I was well past the adult stage so I was in good shape.

  Anyway, all the guys out there that are heading back to school this week, don’t be afraid of penis inspection day.

  • 9:08 PM
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