August 24, 2010
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Motivation
IF you laugh...you lose.
I think I should just start giving advice like I do in real life...My girlfriend won't let me have sex with her because she says she's sick. Then you remind her that doctors stress the consumption of liquids while sick...wink wink nudge nudge say no more.
How do you spell "love" backwards? D-O-G-G-Y-S-T-Y-L-E
I learned the hard way if you masturbate too much in the shower, you'll get an erection every time it rains.
I got scammed out of $3000 today, but things are already looking up...I just won the UK lottery & I didn't even enter it!
I saw Matthew Broderick this evening and told him to get off his high horse. Then he accused me of watching him and his wife having sex.
I think the Badgers are ranked too low this season. From what I've seen of their practices they look amazing. They may need to move to the NFL to get a competitive game.
I once heard it said that Canada is America's hat. If this is true then Justin Bieber is head lice.I get embarrassed because I drool when I sleep. I guess I would rather drool when I am asleep rather than when I am awake.
I don't think mothers should be allowed to breastfeed their babies in public. I mean. if you don't have enough candy for the whole class...
And now for your weekly dose of motivation...
Bonus Motivation
You're not gonna believe what just happened in the WSOP: some guy had a great hand, went all in, then lost on a tough beat.
I heard a baby crying this afternoon while I was picking apples (2 bushels). I pretended that instead of having a temper tantrum, he was actually crying for me over the flooding in Pakistan or trapped Chilean miners.
You know you are drunk when people talk to you like how they talk to a puppy..."Good, boy. Come here, boy. Lay down. Don't piss there!" Yeah, I speak drunk fluidly.
Ladies...pardon me for being Blunt but, you're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful, it's true.
Did you know there is porno on the intertubes?! I've wasted so much time with Xanga when there are boobies to see!
Comments (36)
You should sell your jokes... or start up some stand-up yourself.
I think I need to take more MILF on a daily basis.
lol your jokes are funny
lol i like the Call of Duty and the Elementary school ones the best... very funnyyyy
...oh, and the Blunt line was pretty good too 
ah! so that's why that kid was screaming in the museum today. not because he was an annoying brat but because he was upset at the tragedies that have recently occured. wow.
Ah Mat, this cheered me up big time. I was having probably one of the worst days possible and I started dwelling on it and then saw you updated and it made things so much better. Motivated to charge through this now.
Love the Favre ones. I'm talking to a guy who is a HUGE Packers fan, thought you would be proud.
And the snow one is probably true for most women
I've always thought that some crying babies (and I think it's the ones between say...6 months and 18 months old) sound like dinosaurs when they cry & wail. My boyfriend thinks this is silly because no one knows what a dinosaurs sounds like.
Awe man! I was trying my best not to laugh until I saw the Call of Duty one! ROTFLMAO!!!
I thought the picture with the tattoes was awsome. And probably true for most guys lol.
Tattooists...uiks!
@m_kabs -
Yeah I am trying to get in at a local comedy club but during the summer they only have PG shows because the town is a tourist town and no one wants to be offended on vacation. When I worked in that trap my goal was to have someone say that I ruined their vacation. I did have people say that I ruined their day but never their vacation.
@Lithium98 -
I'd take any form of woman on a daily basis.
@Shining_Garnet -
Thank you
@Peridot21 -
I cracked up the first time I saw the elementary school one. As for the Blunt line...it's true
@TheSecretLifeOfPandas -
You know when you think of it that way, the cries are less annoying.
@twistedmistletoe -
I am glad you are doing better and I am so honored that this post is helping you get through this.
I am glad I taught you and good luck with your Packers guy.
And yes...I know the snow one all too well...I can't resist making self-deprecating jokes.
@fargoneandout -
That's quite interesting. I know there are times my cats make noises that sound like infants so why not dinosaurs.
damn it i lost again! XD
@bluepillorredpill -
I thought that one would be the most offensive of the lot...glad you weren't offended
@NightlyDreams -
This guy in particular.
@RestlessButterfly -
So do you have any tattoos?
@ccRowp -
I WIN!
1+1=win
I love your jokes and Motivations. Keep 'em coming.
@curiousdwk -
I felt bad because I posted a couple of these on Facebook and people didn't understand them so I had to post explanations.
Are you saying that we Xangans are more sophisticated so we don't need explanations? Or are you saying that the Facebook crowd are more erudite and are looking for meanings where we know there are none?
@maniacsicko -
I still don't get soccer math
@curiousdwk -
It has to be that Xangans are more sophisticated or they have a better understanding of my humor.
Good old Brett . . . I got so tired of all the "will he?" "won't he?" people should have been asking "should he?" (no)
@jacksoncroons -
I think the reason he's having such a hard time making up his mind is...have you seen his Wrangler jeans ad?...those things are pretty tight. They're probably cutting off the blood flow to his head and mix that with his Prilosec and viola...he can't make up his mind.
LOL
@A_NY_Zone61 -
Thank you
@godfatherofgreenbay -
You're welcome
@godfatherofgreenbay - I wish I had.
@RestlessButterfly -
So then you want a man to touch you in places most men won't
@godfatherofgreenbay - Which is my heart...
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