August 26, 2010

• Questions with the Godfather and His Cock 8/25

  Me: I picked more apples today as well as two dozen jalapenos.  Things are going to get mighty spicy around here.  Cocky, how has your week been?
  Cocky: Yeah...um...yeah....
  Me: Cocky, why are you vigorously scratching your groin?
  Cocky: New...sponsor...oh yeah the scratching makes it feel better.
  Me: Actually, it is an old sponsor that decided to give us another chance.
  Cocky: Well there product has some nasty side effects.

  This blog brought to you by Cockburn's

  
  

  

  Cockburn’s produces some of the world’s finest Ports; make sure you try the full range and experience the signature Cockburn’s taste, picking your favorite for different occasions.  Cockburn's does not cause a burning sensation in the genital region

  Me: Cocky, our sponsor's product does not cause a burning sensation in that area.
  Cocky:  If it doesn't why am I on fire?
  Me: Well...I wonder if it has anything to do with your recent trip to Las Vegas and meeting up with that woman who looked like the horse.
  Cocky: Oh yeah, but what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
  Me: How is Celine doing these days?
  Cocky: Walking like she just got off a horse.
  Me: *sigh* Cocky, are you ready?
  Cocky: Cocked, locked, rocked, and ready to....god it burns so bad...MAKE IT STOP!

  

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I am just a young girl and I have recently entered womanhood.  My mother died when I was young so I have no female in the house to help me with my problem so I thought that I would come to you first.  I am having trouble inserting tampons.  What should I do?
                                             Despondent in Dover
  Me: Uh....I am so honored that you would come to this website for help with your problem.  I have no clue about the workings of said devices.  What you may want to do is go to a trusted female authority figure such as a teacher or someone at school.  While I was teaching I was faced with this problem.  I had one girl in my class and she had these issues so I escorted her to a female teacher who was young and considered "cool".  Maybe an aunt or female cousin could help.
  Cocky: Get a plumber's helper and a flat head screwdriver and well that should resolve any problems you have.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  What is the deal with 9/11?  What part don't you get?
                                            Conspiracies Abound in Corona
  Me: Um...I guess the part about 9/11 that I don't get is how people have used that tragic event as a crutch to promote hate and racist propaganda.  Another thing I don't get is how our country can use that event to rattle sabers to bomb other countries into the 19th Century and that there is no need for diplomacy and the only good government is a democracy.  Didn't the communists try to convert all countries to practice communism?  I don't think that worked all that well.
  Cocky:  9/11...it wears the late crown and is a joke in your town?  God bless Public Enemy.  OK, they can't all be jokes...why does 9/11 inspire more anger than sadness?  I doubt there were any brave fowl on those planes but dammit I don't get it.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  Do you realize how much money you made me by picking the Blackhawks to win the Stanley Cup?  I get to take off two years from a job.  GOD BLESS YOU GUYS!
                                          Hockey Lover in Halifax
  Me: In case you didn't know but back in 2009, Cocky picked the Blackhawks to win the Stanley Cup.  They didn't make it but Cocky rode the whole bird thing again in 2010 and he made a crapload of money.
  Cocky: How does one measure a crapload?
  Me: Well it can also measure how pissed off I am with you for picking a team from Illinois.
  Cocky: I know...I just love to rub salt in those wounds.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  Out of all my friends, I am the only one that supports our president.  Every time I bring up the subject of our president they begin using racist terms to describe him and telling racist jokes not to mention how that one day they believe someone will kill him.  Whenever I try to make a smart reply, I get tongue-tied.  What can I say to make them feel real dumb about what they just said?
                                           Tongue-Tied in Tennessee
  Me: It must be difficult living in Tennessee and I applaud your boldness to present your support in the face of racism and short minded thinking. I think you are tongue tied because it's hard to justify reasoning with someone as simple minded as that. I'm sorry you still consider people like this your FRIENDS, not for the difference of opinion but because of the racism. I wouldn't even bother responding to that kind of viewpoint, but time will tell.
  Cocky: Tennessee, huh? The next time any of those racist yokels go the simpleton route, you can throw out several phrases: "How many loads of whites do you have to wash after your clan meetings? Is it always just plain white or can you go eggshell?" or "Wow, that was original.
  Did you and your sister come up with that after sex one night?" or "Racism is 1950 stupid... elevate your intelligence and we can elevate the debate.
  " or you could point out that the reason they felt safe with that ignorant cokehead W in office is because he wasn't much smarter than their inbred, nose and banjo picking selves, but the best thing you could do is just tell them that it's a fact that people cannot lick their own elbow, and watch and laugh as they preoccupy themselves for hours trying to do it.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I have a question about lube.  I suffer from feminine dryness so when my boyfriend and I make love we always have to use lube.  Sometimes brand loyalty becomes a bother when making love.  Are there any lubes you can recommend?
                                           Dry in Dodgeville
  Me: Well I understand what you mean when about monotony in the bedroom.  If you aren't about being discrete you could always go to your local Walgreen's and they have a variety of lubes amongst their contraceptives.  The only bad thing is that some Walgreen's have started keeping their lubes in locked cases so in order to purchase one must find a clerk and heaven forbid they need to call someone to assist you.  "MARGE to the lube counter!"  Your best bet is to try your nearest adult novelty store.  Recently I passed a billboard advertising The Beer Lube. Proceed with caution.
  Cocky:You seriously are going to take lube advice from the Godfather?  The only "lube" he uses involves aloe and has a squeeze pump and says, "for dry hands".  Go out and get one of those heating lubes...MUY CALIENTE!  You want to use a small amount otherwise the friction and the heating, lets just I had some fried chicken in front of me the last time I used that kind.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  Which social networking site do you prefer: Myspace or Facebook?
                                           Loser in Lomira
  Me:  Well why isn't Xanga an option?  Oh yeah because every time people try to socialize or be funny it creates drama and people crying that white people and Christians are oppressed.  Well I am going to go with myspace and in a future blog entry I will tell you why even though I am not on myspace much these days because I love XANGA!
  Cocky:  Why isn't Xpeeps and option?  The social networking site for adults and pornagraphers and the only site that has a Cocky appreciation group.  OK so maybe the group isn't named after me and they drop a letter in my name but it appreciates big dicks like the me and the Godfather.  Me in the sense of having a large penis and the Godfather in the sense of being a whiny liberal asshole.  I can't even upload photos with my name in them onto myspace so why bother.  Why hasn't any Xangan tackled the issue of cock oppression?

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I just joined a great company but I have found one flaw: a co-worker who works no more than 3 hours in an 8-hour workday. She spends time at lunch, shopping, personal phone calls, and chatting with other workers. Her behavior makes me think she has no respect for her fellow co-workers. I have to take up the slack. She has been here for two years and I just don't see how she keeps her job.  Should I make waves and complain about her performance, or go with the flow?
                                           Hard-worker in Hortonville
  Me: I wouldn't advise making wave in your first days on the job.  If you complain you could rock a boat that no one wants moved.  You are working hard and she is working sub-par.  Maybe you were hired to make up for her incompetence.
  Cocky:  The way I see it, if she isn't hanging out on Xanga all day giving the Godfather the eprops then you punch her in the throat and say, "Bitch, get your ass to work."  If that doesn't work, make a fake petition that is written to the president of the company asking for the manager to be fired.  Then when you see the manager hand him the petition and say, "Look what that incompetent ingrate gave me."  If that doesn't work, throat punches for everyone.

  Disclaimer: I plan on time-stamping this piece and if you don't like time-stamping please don't tell me to quit xanga on my blog.  It's time-stamping.  Please, don't be like some mental deficient bloggers out there by reporting me to xanga for harassment because I time-stamped and you can't wrap your small mind around that.  Just block me and unsubscribe like a normal person.  Dang, I shouldn't have written this, Prince Zuko and the vegetarian vampires may attack me.
  

  
  

  If you have a question for myself or Cocky you can either email here at Xanga or at advicewithcocky@gmail.com or ask us over at Formspring.  Please email me so I can keep being proactive on this totally outrageous paradigm.
  

  • 11:15 AM
  • 8 Comments